And that says nothing about the hookers. Many, many hookers. That's right people, I am a dirty dog.
I took this role because my agent told me it would be brave. Had I known that every stagehand from West Hollywood would be trying to butt-f**k me on the set of Sleepless in Seattle I would have just taken Joe vs. the Volcano 2: Joe vs. the Predator. Now that was a manly-ass hetero script.
Speaking of manly-ass hetero s**t, you should have seen how me and Denzel got down on the ladies in Philly. Let's just say we planted some vanilla chocolate swirl ... (singing) on the streets of Philadelphia ... nah nah nah nah nah.
That's right, I'm talking about my seed ... big up 'zel!
Look, the fact is I jumped around on a giant piano a couple years ago and practically won one of these. I don't need this. I could just play a retard like Day Lewis in '88 or do a ridiculous Southern accent like Pacino last year. Better yet I'll play a Southern retard! Then I'll win one for sure!
I guess in parting, I would just like to say that it's about f*****g time. I should have been nominated twice this year. You think it's easy to have romantic chemistry with skeletor down there? Hey Meg, there's a reason I was Sleepless, knowing I had to hold your withered monkey paw in that last scene. It would have been easier to act like I wanted to f**k Hooch.
Hanks Audi 5,000 bitches!"
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