Tom Hanks' REAL Oscar Acceptance Speech

People were impressed with Tom Hanks' impassioned acceptance speech in 1994 when he won the Oscar for his role as gay lawyer Andrew Beckett in the film Philadelphia. However, we here at Cracked got our hands on a transcript of Hanks' original speech, the one he gave before his agent convinced him to do away with some of his more controversial remarks.

"Thank you, thank you.

You know, ignorance occurs when people are too afraid to talk about something. Well, if this little golden statue has earned me anything, I'd like to think it earned me the courage to talk about something that most people in Hollywood are too afraid to discuss -- something that I never would have thought to talk about before this film.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I am NOT fucking gay. I think gay sex is disgusting. Once when I was 17, I tried to think about it while I was jerking off and went limp -- like immediately.

I fuck my wife every night. Hard. Honey, on a scale of one to ten, how hard do I fuck you? No, they can't hear you honey, show of fingers.

That's a seven, people, and if you read lips you know she said a "solid seven."

Tom Hanks' REAL Oscar Acceptance SpeechGetty
"...maybe five."

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And that says nothing about the hookers. Many, many hookers. That's right people, I am a dirty dog.

I took this role because my agent told me it would be brave. Had I known that every stagehand from West Hollywood would be trying to butt-fuck me on the set of Sleepless in Seattle I would have just taken Joe vs. the Volcano 2: Joe vs. the Predator. Now that was a manly-ass hetero script.

Speaking of manly-ass hetero shit, you should have seen how me and Denzel got down on the ladies in Philly. Let's just say we planted some vanilla chocolate swirl ... (singing) on the streets of Philadelphia ... nah nah nah nah nah.

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That's right, I'm talking about my seed ... big up 'zel!

Look, the fact is I jumped around on a giant piano a couple years ago and practically won one of these. I don't need this. I could just play a retard like Day Lewis in '88 or do a ridiculous Southern accent like Pacino last year. Better yet I'll play a Southern retard! Then I'll win one for sure!

I guess in parting, I would just like to say that it's about fucking time. I should have been nominated twice this year. You think it's easy to have romantic chemistry with skeletor down there? Hey Meg, there's a reason I was Sleepless, knowing I had to hold your withered monkey paw in that last scene. It would have been easier to act like I wanted to fuck Hooch.

Hanks Audi 5,000 bitches!"