To: Harpo Productions Executive Board
RE: The New World Oprah
Over the past 15 years, the Oprah Empire has emerged from the day time talk show shadow of Donahue and grown into a multi-billion dollar juggernaut with interests in literally every form of mass media available — magazines, websites, film and TV productions, a Broadway show, and a lucrative new contract with XM Satellite radio. When Oprah sneezes, America says "Bless you" (with their cash).
It would be easy to think that our goal of brainwashing Americans into becoming mindless putty in the hands of Oprah has been reached. It would also be a mistake. Instead of resting on our laurels, we will begin the next chapter of Oprah: looking to the future and finding newer, better ways to enrich (control) the lives of our audience, and help them become better people (buy more shit).
In order to accomplish this, we have prepared the following 3-point strategy, outlining our corporate plans for the next ten years, henceforth known as The New World Oprah.
Continue Reading Below
First Steps: Strengthen Assets, Eliminate Threats
Build medieval "stocks" next to Oprah' couch and permanently restrain disgraced author James Frey, allowing audience members and studio tour groups to throw produce at him at will.
Win the hearts, minds and devotion of every American under the age of 30 by ensuring the safe and swift return of Chappelle' Show. Use force and/or psychoactive medications on Dave if he tries to resist.
Continue giving away high-end items like cars and vacation homes until Oprah has gained unwavering devotion from America' entire over-30 working class. If this is deemed too costly, just simulate the giveaways for the TV viewers, and threaten to have the live audience killed if they ever tell anyone the truth.
Gain control of the elderly by promising them free retirement care in utopian Oprah Homes, which are actually work camps that cheaply produce Oprah' various lines of retail products.
Continue disciplining public figures on live television, each one more high-profile than the last, beginning with Tom Cruise' grinning admission that he loves cock and culminating in President Bush appearing on the show and being shamed into publicly handing control of the government over to Dr. Phil until Oprah finds a more suitable replacement, assuming that' even possible.
Continue Reading Below
Phase Two: World Domination
Solve problem of Oprah' mortality by locating a new host body for her consciousness. Since that bitch Tyra Banks seems determined to encroach on our territory as America' Most Beloved Black Woman, we probably could kill two birds with one stone. Tyra can even come on the show to make her tearful farewell to the world before Oprah assumes control of her body. Huge ratings.
Locate and purchase Volcanic Island to house new underground world headquarters/evil lair for base of all Oprah Operations. Evil lair will also serve as safe haven during impending period of doom.
Kidnap world' greatest scientific minds and force them to create a way for Oprah to control the Earth' weather. Secretly bring any military opposition to its knees with blistering assaults of floods and hurricanes while simultaneously hosting touching "aftermath" episodes of the show where Oprah hugs and reassures innocent survivors of her own catastrophic creations.
Orchestrate and execute an all-out global race war of Biblical proportions, then — when the time is right — broadcast a very special Oprah, positioning her as humanity' savior, having used her wisdom and worldwide adoration to finally deliver us from the months of apocalyptic violence and bloodshed.
As Supreme Intergalactic Leader, make first official proclamation, demanding the burning of all books not in the Book Club.
Phase Three: The Final Solution
Form an Intergalactic Council consisting of Montel Williams, Arsenio Hall, Judge Joe Brown and Wayne Brady (for laughs). Spare the lives of Phil Donahue and Giraldo Rivera to keep as pets. Make them wear circus clothing and learn tricks to amuse The Intergalactic Council.
Enslave the remaining members of the human race, and force them to build a giant mobile spaceship weapon shaped like a big "O", stocked with three lifetime supplies of SnackWells. Demand that all subjects refer to Oprah as Darth Mudder, and when they do, choke them to death. They should know better than addressing the Supreme Intergalactic Leader.
Imprison the other members of the council in glass prisons, forced to float through space watching Amistad over and over again, forever. Then blow up the Earth and use completed spaceship to travel the galaxies until Oprah finds a new civilization of semi-but-not-really intelligent beings.