After propelling Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man' Chest to three straight weekends atop the box office, Johnny Depp is Hollywood' most in-demand leading man. Lucky for us, he was kind enough to let CRACKED listen in on his voice mail messages from over the weekend. Here' what we heard"¦
"Hello John, it' Ron Howard. I'm looking at your contract here, and I know I am 'to honor any and all of Mr. Depp' acting choices even if they are poorly motivated or downright effeminately contrarian,' but can we talk about this? Look, I love Shirley Temple as much as the next guy. And I think I figured out a way you can keep the curly wig, but can we lose the 'good ship lollipop' dress? Please? I'm begging you. I mean, this is
The Jonas Salk Story. Also, let me know what you think about those 15 scenes that are all in slow motion with violin music."
"Hey, Deppster, it' Pete Deluise. What' shaking, you fuckin' pussy?! Guess where I am? Our old place. The Hardee' on Sunset. Just kicking it Jump Street style with Grieco and Dustin Nguyen. We wanted to know if you'd be into a boys night out. A little action, know what I mean? Word on the street is Holly Robinson' giving hand jobs behind the Whiskey a Go Go for like five bucks. Or some crack. Or an audition. Whatever. Call me."
"Hello, Earthling. This is Silos Three of Nervardia. (Little girl giggles.) Get it? (More giggles.) Remember? Anyway, I was sitting at home last night jerking off to goat bukkake and then it hits me: my next project. And no, not the musical about Hansel & Gretl in outer space. I'm talking remake. Ready?
Charles in Charge, but darker, trippier. I'm doing Buddy in CGI. Think Jar Jar Binks meets a BDSM leather gimp. Charles keeps a gag ball in his pocket the whole movie. Whaddya say? Wanna be in charge? (More little girl giggles.) Well, I'm in charge. I'm the director, but you know what I mean. Anyway, ooh, a Dr. Who rerun just came on..."
"Hi, this is Jennifer Grey. I'm here with Winona Ryder, Kate Moss and Sherilyn Fenn. That' right. All of us. Y'know, we've come to accept that we were fools for believing you when you asked us to marry you, but it just doesn't end does it? Apparently, I was also a fool to believe there was anything special or unique about our relationship. All those things you said you did
only for me. When you poured spiced rum on my nipples and defecated in my bed"¦ When you threw my TV out the window while raping my dog"¦ When you tattooed a picture of an infected sore on your ass to remind you of our love"¦ I believed it was just for me. But apparently that' just your standard MO, huh? Well, why not? When you find something that works, right? Burn in Hell."
"Hey, John-John. It' Keira. I was like wondering-know how we have that kissing scene coming up for Pirates Three? Yeah, well, about that. Could you do me a solid? Could you like brush your teeth and floss thoroughly? It' this strict diet I'm on. I'm trying to avoid any rogue calories that might be lingering in your mouth. And could you like maybe fast for two days before the scene just to be sure? Also, what do you think of this new movie Disney' pitching based on that ride The Tilt-O-Whirl? I'm undecided. Thoughts?"
