Last night I impersonated Catherine Zeta-Jones so good, I talked Michael Douglas into Frenching me while I puked.
You're probably like, "Man, Michael Douglas really loves his wife."
But you're wrong, because he did the same thing about a month ago when I dressed up like Hulk Hogan.
When you're an aging multimillionaire like him, I guess you take what you can get.
People always want to know how I'm so good at acting like a celebrity. Well, if you want to be a celebrity imposter filthy or not you'd be better off killing yourself, because no one can pull off the look and the voice of everyone from Barbara Hershey to Quincy Jones like I can.
But the look and the voice are only half of it. If you don't know how to act like a celebrity, some real celebrity will be on to you in no time and you'll end up in that celebrity's dungeons.
And if you don't think every celebrity has at least eight dungeons, you should let a Mountain Dew bottle full of Gary Sinise's snot read this instead of you, because it's got more sense, ass-nuts!
Anyway, since you'll never pull off the look and sound of a celebrity like me, I'll let you in on the three keys to acting like one. You'd better be thankful, too. Next time I see you, you should give me oral sex with a mouthful of Stovetop Stuffing.
#1Whenever you walk into a celebrity's mansion, be like, "Nice mansion... Not!" They'll instantly know how hot-shit you are. One time, I was pretending to be Dennis Quaid and I forgot to say "Nice mansion... Not!" to Bruce Springsteen. He gave me a suspicious look, so I had to punch his dog in the face to show him I'm hot shit. That was a close one, but he was so impressed, he gave me six limos as a doggie bag.
#2Man or woman, nothing gets a celebrity hotter than being fisted with a handful of bees.
#3Make sure you're really good at barfing up corn-dogs.
I find it best to consume them whole, like a snake, or Madonna.
One time, I was pretending to be Janet Jackson and I was giving the real Brad Pitt a totem-pole.
He was like, "I got offered this movie, The Mexican, but I think I'm going to turn it down so I'll have more time to spend riding motorcycles and drinking cans of beer at my mansion."
I was like, "that's cool," but then I went and dressed up like Brad Pitt and made The Mexican.
When I showed up, Julia Roberts was all, "What's up?"
So, I was like, "Not much, I'm your co-star, Brad Pitt."
And she goes, "Okay, well I have totally wicked-foul sex with all of my co-stars."
So, we went to her trailer every day and had the most disgusting intercourse in the history of the world.
On the last day, she told me I had sex with her boobs way better than Kiefer Sutherland had sex with her butt and three times as good as Lyle Lovett had sex with her hair. So the next day, I dressed up like Lyle Lovett and went to her house pretending to cry.
"Why did you tell Brad Pitt that I was bad at having sex with your hair?" I asked.
And she goes, "Oh my god! He told you that? Oh, Lyle Lovett, I'm so sorry. How can I make it up to you?"
So, I go, "Drink a whole bathtub full of my pee."
And so she did.
Right now, I look like Luke Perry. Tonight, I'll look like Cindy Crawford. But you'll always look like a dead lady's butthole!
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.