When CRACKED saw this video of Brandon Davis' articulate deconstruction of celebutant Lindsay Lohan, we knew we had to get him to write for us. Here, in his first column as our guest correspondent, Brandon uses his trademark elocution to enlighten us on matters vital to the state of our nation.
The 2008 Presidential Election
Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch! Firecrotch! She' a firecrotch! Firecrotch. Firecrotch, firecrotch!
In case you're fucking poor and don't know the lingo, 'firecrotch' is a word I made up last weekend at a club you could never, ever get into. 'Firecrotch' is a clever way of saying that someone has red pubes. And that' what Lindsay Lohan has, because she' a firecrotch. Gross, dude. Gross.
Paris Hilton would never have those. She should be the next president of the United States.
Paris Hilton is a fucking whore! I only said to elect her president because she was blowing me under the table when you asked me that first question. Did you know that billionaire socialites like myself ejaculate creme brulee? It' a scientific fact. That' not why Paris was blowing me, though-she hates creme brulee. She blows me because she' a dirty, dirty firecrotch. And because I tell her it has vitamins in it.