Brandon Davis Opines on Matters of National Importance

When CRACKED saw this video of Brandon Davis' articulate deconstruction of celebutant Lindsay Lohan, we knew we had to get him to write for us. Here, in his first column as our guest correspondent, Brandon uses his trademark elocution to enlighten us on matters vital to the state of our nation.

The 2008 Presidential Election
Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch! Firecrotch! She' a firecrotch! Firecrotch. Firecrotch, firecrotch!

In case you're fucking poor and don't know the lingo, 'firecrotch' is a word I made up last weekend at a club you could never, ever get into. 'Firecrotch' is a clever way of saying that someone has red pubes. And that' what Lindsay Lohan has, because she' a firecrotch. Gross, dude. Gross.

Paris Hilton would never have those. She should be the next president of the United States.

Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton is a fucking whore! I only said to elect her president because she was blowing me under the table when you asked me that first question. Did you know that billionaire socialites like myself ejaculate creme brulee? It' a scientific fact. That' not why Paris was blowing me, though-she hates creme brulee. She blows me because she' a dirty, dirty firecrotch. And because I tell her it has vitamins in it.

I call her firecrotch because she has herpes. Firecrotch has multiple meanings. It' a versatile phrase. Once, when I was drunk, I held her hand while she blew me and I almost got hand herpes.

Red China' Growing Economy
Red China rhymes with red vagina. China is a total firecrotch. When I'm bored, I go down to Chinatown and buy the biggest fish they have in their filthy, smelly market and then lean out the window of my limo and use it to knock Chinese people off their bikes. Then I squint my eyes and say, "Me so solly you sirry file clotch!" It' fucking hilarious. Chinese people worship me.

The War In Iraq
It' fucking stupid. My grandfather fought in a war once and then he came back home and got a job and made a few billion dollars. When I first found out my granddad used to have a job, I was so fucking embarrassed I almost puked. When he was born, he was only worth a few million dollars. Do you have any idea how fucking embarrassing it is to be related to someone like that? It' fucking disgusting.

Ummm. I can't really think of a way to fit this in, so I'm just going to say 'firecrotch.'

Hurricane Katrina
When Katrina first happened, I used to make fun of the people for being stupid enough to drown. Then I imagined what it must have been like in New Orleans and started to feel bad because I realized that those poor people I was making fun of were the very same people I would have had to make a raft out of in order to survive. But then Donald Trump' son told me that rich billionaires can breath underwater or something and I felt better.