Angelina Jolie (Jon Voigt)
Odds of Hotness Based on Gene Pool: Pretty good, though the results still exceeded our wildest expectations. Jon Voigt has a face like an old catcher's mitt now, but in his Midnight Cowboy era he had a certain boyish charm. Angelina should stock up on a shitload of sunscreen, though.
Why We Wanna Hit That: To be honest, we're a little thrown off by the fact that a) she's had Brad Pitt inside her, so there's no possible way we'll match up, and b) she's been quoted as saying she hates her natural born baby because "Shiloh's had her entire life handed to her on a silver goddamn platter, and all the foreign orphans have been 'in the shit' their entire lives." Maybe we're paraphrasing. Our one shining ray of hope? She let Billy Bob Thornton stick it to her, so we're pretty sure she'd at least let us take a shot, provided we promised the baby would come out a Nepalese-Brazilian amputee.
Famous babes of famous parents and who didn't make the cut.
Liv Tyler (Aerosmith's Steven Tyler)
She was the only good thing about Armageddon, and we loved that music video she did with Alicia Silverstone, even if making out with another chick while your dad is singing is a tad weird. But she's kind of...chunky now. (Yes, we know it's because she had a baby, and we don't care.)
Gwyneth Paltrow (Bruce Paltrow and Blythe Danner)
In 2001, our penises nearly had a heart attack (turned out it was a stroke) when it was revealed she was both funny and sexy on Saturday Night Live. Unfortunately, Gwynnie's gotten way too skinny and whiney for us at this point. Also, she'd probably want to name the baby some shit like "Kumquat Darfur" or "Free-Trade Lindenberry."
Jamie Lee Curtis (Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh)
Even though she's past her childbearing years, she's kept herself up, and still has an amazing body. We'd still seriously considering hitting it, except for all those Internet rumors that she was born a dude. Ah, hell, who are we fooling? We'd hit it. But don't tell anyone.
Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt (Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt)
We should probably stop now.