Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and Kimberly Stewart...with so many coked up, spoiled celebutants destined to give you a raging case of anal crabs, it's refreshing when you find some famous progeny that you might actually want to put your wang in. They're rich, connected, beautiful, and all of them are (mostly) legal!
Odds of Hotness Based on Gene Pool: Pretty astronomical. The Howards are a talented bunch, of course, but ye Gods, are they homely. Ron's brother Clint Howard has made a living for decades playing roles where his only character trait is how profoundly fuck-ugly he is:
When you've turned your unattractiveness into a full-time career, you've pretty much gone pro with it.
Why We Wanna Hit That: Opie did good. Despite acting as M. Night Shyamalan's muse for the rancid box-office infections that were The Village and Lady in The Water, there's something about Bryce-Dallas Howard that's irresistible. Maybe we're just suckers for red-heads. And by taking on the role of Gwen Stacy in Spiderman 3, we're looking at the face that launched a thousand nerd erections.
Odds of Hotness Based on Gene Pool: Excellent. While nailing attractive models is practically mandatory for skinny British musicians, Rossdale is a rare breed in that category, considering he doesn't have a face like a dried leather horse.
Why We Wanna Hit That: New mother Gwen Stefani knows how to pick a prime sperm donor. Soon after her marriage to oh-so-pretty-man-boy Gavin Rossdale, a DNA test revealed he had a secret. (Not, not that he was born a woman; but yes, that's what we thought at first, too.) Turns out that 17 years ago, Rossdale did an even greater service than moodily crooning "Come Down," "Glycerine," and making our girlfriends wet. A brief affair with English model/fashion designer/MILF Pearl Lowe created Daisy, a model and ethereal (if slightly gothy) morsel we'd love to get our dirty American hands on. And the best news of all? The age of consent in England is just 16. Thank you, baby Jesus!
Odds of Hotness Based on Gene Pool: Not good at all, but way to overcome the odds, Sofia! The fat, hairy, hideous odds. Luckily, the Oscar-winning gene wasn't connected to the "beaten in the face with an ugly stick" chromosome.
Why We Wanna Hit That: You ever watch Lost in Translation? Christ, that movie went NOWHERE. That said, if we had a guarantee that her dad wasn't gonna use his mob connections to put a screwdriver in our knee cap the second we put the sex-eye on Sofia...we'd totally go for it. We wouldn't even care that she sucked so bad in The Godfather: Part III. As long as she stays behind the camera, she's got that "brainy-hot" thing going on that we love so well.
Mick Jagger - Jade and Elizabeth Jagger
Keith Richards - Theodora and Alexandra Richards
Ron Wood - Leah Wood
Odds of Hotness Based on Gene Pool: Straight 50-50 shot. When horrific, albeit talented, skeleton men with bad teeth and skin like a crocodile's ass seduce hot models, we're never sure how it's gonna turn out. But knowing that gorgeous genes can overcome even Keith Richards' decrepit, heroin-riddled semen proves that Darwin should be taught in schools.
Why We Wanna Hit That: You'll forgive us if we group these lovelies together"Â¦ hmm. Sorry. Got lost in a mental image there. But the daughters of the Rolling Stones have several things in common. 1) Their mothers are beautiful women. 2) Their fathers are fucking hideous. 3) They're LOADED with cash. 4) They're ALL models.
Jumpin' Jack Flash in our pants, pants, pants.
Odds of Hotness Based on Gene Pool: Pleasantly surprising. Naturally, we expected that Muhammad Ali's offspring would be able to kick rich amounts of ass in a boxing ring. We just had NO idea she'd look so hot doing it.
Why We Wanna Hit That (pun not unintentional): Leila is not only following in her father's famous footsteps down the Parkinson's trail, she has a perfect 24-0 record (21 by KO). Named one of People Magazine's 100 Most Beautiful list for 2007, she recently showed off some nice flexibility on Dancing with the Stars. Who wouldn't love a girlfriend who can pound the shit out of guys who hit on her at a bar? Plus, even if dad Ali disapproved, we're pretty sure that at this point we can take him. Probably by waving something shiny in his face.
Odds of Hotness Based on Gene Pool: Poor to Middling. While grandmother Priscilla Presley is still really hot, and Elvis worked some sweaty sex mojo in his day, Lisa Marie didn't really get the best features of either parent. Or rather, she did, but they just look weird on her face. Must be one of those "skips a generation" things.
Why We Wanna Hit That: The daughter of Lisa Marie and first husband Danny Keough, Elvis's only granddaughter has been modeling for some of the biggest names in fashion since she was 12. We respect her work ethic, considering the size of the Presley estate means she could get away with sitting on a solid gold couch eating lobster tail sandwiches for the rest of her life. That said, she might have just been eager to get out of the house (she's had both Michael Jackson and Nicolas Cage as step-fathers. That's gotta fuck you up but good). And since Riley finally turned 18 last month, it's about time for those personalized tours of the Jungle Room, if you get what we're saying. (We're saying we would like to have sex with her.)
Odds of Hotness Based on Gene Pool: High. Goldie Hawn was pretty sexy in her prime, and she's had two kids end up on People Magazine's Most Beautiful list, so we know the material is good. However, if you're supposed look at a girl's mother to see if she'll age gracefully"Â¦OUCH.
Why We Wanna Hit That: Before Goldie Hawn turned into a terrifying blonde scarecrow, she had ditzy cuteness that we found surprisingly appealing. Kate Hudson has the same thing going on, but better. She's done well off the family connections, or at least as well as you can with a reputation that's mainly for being cute and bubbly (see also: any movie where she stars with a child), very cute and bubbly (see also: any movie where she co-stars with man-child Matthew McConaughey), or cute, bubbly, and vulnerable (see Almost Famous. Seriously, it's a good movie). Despite sounding like she's a few crackers short of a snack-pack in interviews, we'd happily spawn with her, provided she can somehow prevent ex-husband Chris Robinson's bong smell from infecting the baby.
Odds of Hotness Based on Gene Pool: A sure thing. How could anything that issued from the god-like loins of two of the most beautiful people on the planet fail to be less than astounding?
Why We Wanna Hit That: Wow, this one snuck up on us. We faintly remembered that rocker/panty moistener Kravitz and Cosby actress/hippie space loon Bonet had a child back in the '80s. Rolling Stone was fond of showing the be-fringed and be-flowered family all in matching dreadlocks. But my how the years have flown by. Daughter Zoe apparently got all the sex appeal of a young fond-of-posing-naked Bonet (go on, Google it), and then combined it with even MORE sex appeal from Victoria's Secret model and Nicole Kidman magnet Kravitz. Plus, should Zoe bear our child, it'd be the great-grandchild of that lady from The Jeffersons. Bonus street cred!
Odds of Hotness Based on Gene Pool: It really could have gone either way. Ivana was a bit of a fox, but The Donald looks The Disgusting. We're just grateful Ivanka inherited her dad's money but not his hair.
Why We Wanna Hit That: When Donald gave Carolyn Kuchner's boardroom spot on The Apprentice to his daughter, he seemed to have some moments of distinctly "unfatherly" affection for Ivanka...but who could blame him? She's a smoking blonde with an unbelievable body. Knowing that she's got the brains to match and graduated magna cum laude from Wharton makes us want to make a lot of jokes about "cum laude."
Odds of Hotness Based on Gene Pool: Pretty good, though the results still exceeded our wildest expectations. Jon Voigt has a face like an old catcher's mitt now, but in his Midnight Cowboy era he had a certain boyish charm. Angelina should stock up on a shitload of sunscreen, though.
Why We Wanna Hit That: To be honest, we're a little thrown off by the fact that a) she's had Brad Pitt inside her, so there's no possible way we'll match up, and b) she's been quoted as saying she hates her natural born baby because "Shiloh's had her entire life handed to her on a silver goddamn platter, and all the foreign orphans have been 'in the shit' their entire lives." Maybe we're paraphrasing. Our one shining ray of hope? She let Billy Bob Thornton stick it to her, so we're pretty sure she'd at least let us take a shot, provided we promised the baby would come out a Nepalese-Brazilian amputee.
Famous babes of famous parents and who didn't make the cut.
Liv Tyler (Aerosmith's Steven Tyler)
She was the only good thing about Armageddon, and we loved that music video she did with Alicia Silverstone, even if making out with another chick while your dad is singing is a tad weird. But she's kind of...chunky now. (Yes, we know it's because she had a baby, and we don't care.)
Gwyneth Paltrow (Bruce Paltrow and Blythe Danner)
In 2001, our penises nearly had a heart attack (turned out it was a stroke) when it was revealed she was both funny and sexy on Saturday Night Live. Unfortunately, Gwynnie's gotten way too skinny and whiney for us at this point. Also, she'd probably want to name the baby some shit like "Kumquat Darfur" or "Free-Trade Lindenberry."
Jamie Lee Curtis (Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh)
Even though she's past her childbearing years, she's kept herself up, and still has an amazing body. We'd still seriously considering hitting it, except for all those Internet rumors that she was born a dude. Ah, hell, who are we fooling? We'd hit it. But don't tell anyone.
Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt (Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt)
We should probably stop now.