When it was announced that Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro was being hospitalized after undergoing a very serious surgical procedure, the nation invited a single American media organization to come and document this historic event. That media organization was CRACKED Magazine. We sent our Chief Communist Dictator correspondent Tim Kochenderfer to our Bureau in Havana. He filed this eye-opening, exclusive report.
When I arrived by Castro' bedside, I was disappointed, but not shocked, to discover the Dictator extremely tightlipped. No matter how many questions I asked Castro, he would not say a word. Is this what he asked me down here for? To stone wall me? Finally, I was informed that Castro was in the middle of surgery, that he was unconscious and that they would appreciate it if I would not try to talk to him during the operation.
When Castro came to, I was at his side.
"Agua," he gasped.
"I don't speak French," I replied.
"Water," he translated in a weak voice.
"No, I'm a person," I responded slowly.
"No, give me a glass of water," he groaned.
"You're going to have to call the nurse for that," I answered.
"There' a glass of water two feet from your hand!" he snapped.
"That' my water," I said.
"I'm the President of Cuba!" he fired back.
"Alright, this interview is over," I got up, offended at his tone.
"Look, give me the water and I will reveal secrets to you never before told to any journalist. The end is near for me and there is a lot I need to get off of my chest."
"Tell me more," I sat down and took a sip of water. "I'm very interested."
"I said give the glass to me!" He groaned. "I don't want it now that your lips have touched it! Go get a new one."
I returned and handed Fidel a fresh new glass of water (I didn't replace the cup I admit). I then grabbed my pencil and notebook and began to write feverishly, as Castro poured out secret after secret.
Here now, directly from my notepad, are Fidel Castro' deathbed confessions. - When he came to power, he accidentally based Cuba' government on the philosophies of Groucho Marx, rather than Karl Marx.
- Months later, while trying to correct the error, he mistakenly based his government' policies on the philosophies of John Lennon, rather than Vladimir Lenin.
- During a tequila bender in the late 1960', drunkenly placed an embargo on Cuban cigars, sending the economy into a recession.
- For a while there, thought the camouflage made him invisible.
- Three days after the Cuban Missile Crisis, Castro drunk-dialed Kennedy, asking for relationship advice. When Kennedy provided none based on the fact that Fidel nearly sparked a nuclear war, Castro began crying and shouted, "Maybe I did that because I love you so much!"
- Thinks Katie Couric is in over her head at CBS.
- Experimented with 'mutton chops' and a 'handlebar moustache' before finally settling on a long beard.
- Joseph Stalin — brutal and cold hearted dictator, yet a passionate kisser.
- Once gave a 6 hour speech, furiously denouncing Pepsi for ceasing to make Crystal Pepsi.
- Shortly after being returned to Cuba in 2000, Elian Gonzales nearly floated back to the United States, when a game of Marco Polo got out of control.
- In the event of death, requests that all of Cuba be buried with him.
- Once ate 100 tacos in 100 minutes.
- Survived 638 assassination attempts in good stride, but nearly killed the man who switched his "Head & Shoulders" with the leading brand of medicated dandruff shampoo.
- Original plan to defend The Bay Of Pigs: put a Canadian Flag on the shore, making invaders think they had reached the wrong country.
- Loved 50 Cent' first album, but was lukewarm about the second.
- Once contacted Kellogg', trying to get a cereal named after him called "Castr-O'."
- Doesn't really get how communism works.
When he finished speaking, he turned his head and starred off at the ceiling peacefully. I got up and with a heavy heart, closed his eyes with two of my fingers.
"OUCH!" He shouted. "I'M NOT DEAD!"
The shock sent Castro' blood pressure through the roof. He was rushed back onto the operating table for another emergency surgery.
I was banned from the island, but I will always be grateful to Castro for sharing his secrets and allowing me an inside look at his life.
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