The Mysterious Message
The entire class at Idaville Elementary was chattering and pointing at the blackboard when Miss Dillon entered the room. A chalk message read: "NO SPACE DONUTS TODAY."
"Now who erased my lesson plan and put this silly message up here?" Miss Dillon said.
She picked up the eraser, then stopped with an odd look on her face.
"This is very strange, boys and girls. The eraser is still clean!"
Schizophrenia Brown raised his hand.
"Miss Dillon! Did you clean the eraser before class this morning, or after class last night?"
Miss Dillon was puzzled, but everybody knew that Schizophrenia Brown was very smart indeed.
"Why, after class, as always," she answered.
"Aha! Then I know who wrote the message!" said Schizophrenia Brown.
What the teacher had missed is that invisible CIA robot cow aliens put the entire town into a state of suspended animation while they erased the blackboard and wrote the message. Then the President used his magical powers to send the erasers back in time so they would get cleaned before class. Don't eat any space donuts because they will make you crazy!
The Confusing Bank Robber
Schizophrenia Brown was waiting patiently in line at the bank when a tall man in a black overcoat and a rubber mask stepped in front of him.
"This is a stick-up!" the man shouted, waving his scary-looking gun in the air.
The bank teller worked fast and nervously handed over all the money in the register. But when she tried to reach for the alarm button, the robber pointed his gun at her face.
"Don't hit that alarm and make me hurt you, toots," he growled.
Then he took the money and ran out of the bank.
It had all happened so fast that everybody started talking at once! The security guard and the teller and the bank manager and the customers were all telling different stories. But none of them had been paying attention as closely as Schizophrenia Brown.
"Calm down, everybody, and listen to me," said Schizophrenia Brown. "It won't be very hard to catch THIS bank robber!"
What the bank staff hadn't noticed is that Spider-Man was stuck way up on the ceiling and flew down and stabbed the security guard in the ass while the man ran out of the bank. Then the music was shouting about killing your social worker and Schizophrenia Brown had to get off the airtrain because they told him not to come into the bank any more because he said "suck my dick" in front of a lot of customers. Don't rob any banks because the Queen of England will make you DO TIME in JAIL!
Who Stunk Up The Bathroom?
It had been a long day on the street when Schizophrenia Brown opened up his special locker at the bus terminal that he rented for two dollars and fifty cents a day.
Suddenly, big furry orange bugs poured out of the locker and started climbing up inside Schizophrenia Brown's sneakers. Thinking quickly, he tore off his pants and ran out of the bus terminal to find Regis Philbin. But while he was running across the highway to the TV store, he got hit by a car and the blood was everywhere.
The President was driving the ambulance and he took him back to his old apartment from before he got sick.
"I'm feeling better now," said Schizophrenia Brown. "I have to use the bathroom!"
But when he opened the door, it was full of math problems and it stunk like the corner behind the dumpster in back of Taco Bell where you could keep out of the rain a little bit.
Suddenly, the TV came on!
"I'm Regis Philbin! And I stunk up your bathroom!" screamed Regis Philbin on the TV, pointing and laughing at Schizophrenia Brown.
"REGIS PHILBIN! GET OUT OF MY TOILET! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!" shouted Schizophrenia Brown, and he punched his fist right through the wall of his doctor's office.
"What's happening? What's HAPPENING to me???" he shrieked as he clawed uncontrollably at his own eyes and face.
"WHO STUNK UP THE BATHROOM?"
What Schizophrenia Brown forgot was to take his meds.