Jokes: The Rough Cuts

Q: How many dead babies does it take to cause unbelievable amounts of anguish?
A: Just one.

Through an unbelievable series of misfortunes an Arab, a Catholic, and a Jew all find themselves stranded on a desert island together. The Arab gets to work immediately, collecting sticks and leaves to build a makeshift mosque. "I must worship Allah," he explains. The Catholic starts collecting sticks as well to build a makeshift church. "I must worship Jesus," he says. Before long they both realize there are no sticks anywhere to be found on the beach. They both look at the Jew, who smiles at them widely from behind his bazaar. "I have collected all the sticks already, and now I will sell them to you for an outrageously inflated price," he says. Three days later they all die of dehydration.
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Q: Why did the black guy steal the TV set?
A: Because he was socially and economically disadvantaged.

A Priest and a Rabbi are at the gates of heaven, making small talk. "Well," says the Rabbi, "That's it. I'm dead." The Priest agrees. "I, too, am dead," he says, and they both sigh wistfully and fall silent. When they get to the front of the line, Saint Peter looks at both of them and furrows his brow. "You guys can't come in because you're gay," he says.
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-Knock knock!
-Who's there?
-UPS.
-Oh, okay.
-Just sign right here.
-Sure, no problem"¦it's not working.
-What isn't?
-The pen"¦it's not-
-Just push down a little harder.
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-It's not"¦ah, okay. There it goes.
-Great. Alright, that'll do it. Here's your package - have a good one.
-Thanks, you too!


Q: What's the difference between a worm and a lawyer?
A: Everything, pretty much.


Four gay guys walk into a bar, only to find that all of the seats are taken but one. They look at the stool for a moment, thinking. "Fuck this," one of them says, "I hate the bar scene anyway." They turn around and leave the bar, then they all rent a hotel room together and have mind-blowing anal sex for hours and hours.


Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Trick question - they do, actually.
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A blonde woman walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a Cosmopolitan. The bartender makes the drink, comes back and puts it on the bar in front of her. "That'll be 7 dollars," he says. She pays for the drink, puts the drink up to her lips, pauses for a moment, then puts the drink back down and calls the bartender back over. "Excuse me," she says, "but can you tell me where your bathroom is? I'm so stupid I just tried to take a sip of my drink but I shit my pants instead."

Q: How do you punish Helen Keller when she's bad?
A: With a firm, patient, and loving hand.
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