Mad as in Crazy

We'll be honest with you, we don't know jack about the stock market. As far as we can tell, you've got about the same chances of making money in the stock market as you do with the slot machines in Vegas. Still, there is one man... no, one prophet who has come to show us-the financially unsound-the way to stockular glory. His name? Jim Cramer.

Jim Cramer is the extremely energetic host of the popular show Mad Money. And with all the shouting he does, we don't know how the guy hasn't gone hoarse yet. Even if you know nothing about finance, you'll find yourself watching entire episodes of the show just to see what crazy stuff he'll say next. In CRACKED's opinion, the guy is starting to lose it. For the past few weeks, we've been documenting what Jim has been saying and the most insane stuff will spew from his lips in the heat of the moment. Below you'll find random quotes of some of the most shocking things we've heard Jim Cramer say in recent segments. Godspeed.

"I'll reach my huge, muscular arm right through this TV screen and choke the life out of you if you don't sell that stock now!"

"You call that a stock? You'd get more of a return on your investment if you spent that cash on a Thai whore!"

"If any of you try to use my 'BOO-YA!' catchphrase ever again, I will defecate on the TV camera so much that the stench will still reach every one of you pansies in your safe little homes!"

"Have you seen that Maria Bartiromo chick? Dude, she's hot!"

"You're damned right you should invest in Rogaine, it's clearly done wonders for me!"

"I'm lonely."

"Buy it! Buy it now! Quick! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy damn it buy! Haha, just kidding, that stock is crashing! BOO-YA!"

"Who? I've never even heard of that company! Go back to Uganda or whatever hellish, backwards country you came from! You make me want to puke!"

"Who's been messing with my sound buttons? Son of a bitch! This one was supposed to sound like two greasy sumo wrestlers colliding, not the 'hoot' of a goddamn owl!"

"No really, I'm very lonely."

"Listen up, caller! I was so goddamn excited about this IPO that I ripped off my testicles and swallowed them whole!"

"That stock gave me syphilis!"

"Hear my cries! Believe my lies!"

"Teen Wolf Too was actually a pretty damned good movie if I do say so myself!"

"Caller, you've got a sexy voice! What say you and I shack up in a hotel and I'll show you my roll of quarters if you know what I mean. Hell, maybe you can turn it into a roll of silver dollars!"

"I make Sam Kinison sound like a mute! I make Brad Pitt look like a burn victim! I make you all look... at my crotch! HA HA!"

"When are they going to invite me to ring that goddamned closing bell huh? They let Sarah Jessica Parker do it!? Who's next, Richard Grieco!? It's my turn, damnit!"

"Bartiromo and Cramer, sittin' in a tree. F-U-C-K-I-N-G!"

"The Dow Jones is sinking lower than my self-esteem!"

"No, that's not a good deal! If you buy this stock, I will break into your house and rape your mother! Do you hear me, caller!?"

"Listen up, I'm in debt up to my ass and some serious people want to collect. If I don't come up with the cash quickly, some tough guys are gonna break my legs! So how about YOU give ME some stock advice for a change!"

"Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies!
The boys are in the bathroom zipping up their flies!"

"Apple computers? Why would you want to invest in a lemon like that? Get it? Ahahahahahaha! SHUT UP!"

"I once threw up all over the guests at a party in a drunken stupor. Today, on Mad Money, I'd like to reenact that scenario! I hope you sons-a-bitches wore your galoshes!"

"Do not invest in oil companies! Oil is the black blood of the Earth-it's made of pure unfiltered evil and the ground up remains of stillborn infants!"

"OK caller, I'll make you a deal: if your stock actually earns you a profit, I'll travel to the Vatican and suck off the Pope!"

"I throw chairs on my show not because I hate sitting, but because it keeps the demons at bay!"

"BOO-YA! BOO-YA! BOO-YA! SCREW YA! SCREW YA! SCREW YA!"