That' right, folks, straight out of the Department of Ridiculous Weather-and-Comedy-Themed Titles comes CRACKED' Saturday Mirthquake, as disastrous as it is hilarious. As promised, we've gathered some of the most important and most relevant articles the internet has to offer.
We recommend that you take a second or two to sit back and relax. Go ahead, let all of the irritating crap that' been bothering you all week take a back seat for awhile. Forget about your awful job and your stupid, ugly family, and curl up with a nice cup of hot chocolate, (or bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey), and join us on a laughter-filled journey to a land of wild sports, hidden, poltical messages, Anna Kournikova, and short-lived cartoon shows about a pro wrestler' ridiculous moustache.
The Wisdom of Wesley Snipes: 7 Quotes to Live By
And you thought the kid from Mr. Belvedere was the wisest Wesley the world had to offer. Well friend, think again. Think again upside your head, because Snipes is here to drop jewels of wisdom on your ass.
Notable Comment: Digg commentator loganhid suggested that "Wesley Snipes is the black version of Chuck Norris" but he was unable to properly punctuate his sentence, presumably because Snipes burst through his bedroom door and punched him in the head with Chuck Norris' freshly ripped off fist.
LOST IN TRANSLATION!
The Ten Most Disastrous Saturday Morning Cartoon Adaptations
From Ghostbusters to Hulk Hogan, and then back to Ghostbusters, we show you how poorly-planned cartoon adaptations could have, (miraculously), done more damage to MC Hammer' career than the man himself.
Notable Comment: CRACKED' super-poster UglyShirts warns that irritating Saturday morning sidekick characters like "H.E.R.B.I.E., Fonzie's Dog, Orko, Slimer...will ultimately all share the same room in hell with Scrappy-Doo, Uni, Orbity, The Great Gazoo, Snarf, whatever the f**k that thing was that hung around with the cartoon version of Punky Brewster, and countless other precocious little monkeys, talking dogs, annoying robots, et cetera." Just when you thought hell couldn't get any less appealing.
5 Kick-Ass Action Movies That Are Pure Propaganda
This article should hold over all of you Movie-Political Agenda buffs until we put the finishing touches on next week' "8 Sports Movies That Are Obvious Political Allegories." Get ready for Major League IV: All About the Oil, and Air Bud 5: We Should Have Invaded Afghanistan.
Notable Comment: CRACKED poster alanr1979 argues that we foolishly left out Rocky IV. Uhh, did you even see that movie? That wasn't propaganda, that was fact. Rocky fought the Soviet Union for the Championship, won, and then the wall fell down. Check your history books, alan.
FOREIGN PEOPLE ARE WEIRD!
The Ten Most Insane "Sports" in the World
Making little kids chase candy down a giant hill isn't just for perverts anymore; it' a sport in the British Isles. And wife-carrying isn't just for abusive husbands anymore; it' a sport in Finland. Find out what else isn't for perverts and abusive husbands by checking out this article.
Notable Comment: Digg user Sarazen enigmatically posted "Woo! Chess Boxing!" Sounds like he might be a good candidate for the amateur Full Contact Boggle league we're trying to get off the ground.
The 8 Most Needlessly Detailed Wikipedia Entries
In an exciting exercise in irony, we spend 2,722 words blasting Wikipedia for putting too much time, energy and detail into otherwise boring and pointless subjects.
Notable Comment: Thanks to our article, Digg commentator danielgilbert discovered that he was, in fact, the 1261st person in line for the British throne. You're welcome, King Gilbert. Rename England "CRACKED.com Presents: Older, Paler America" and we'll call it even.
The 5 Most Magnificent Cinematic Beatings of Joe Pesci:
Yet another article that proves we're man enough to tackle the important issues that the fat cats over at The New York Times are too afraid to touch.
Notable Comment: Digg commentator gene1102 was shocked to discover that Joe Pesci has "had enough beatings in his movies to necessitate a list." We here at CRACKED, conversely, are surprised that the beatings only come from his movies: with a voice like his and a rap video like this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4et8Dt6rco), it' a miracle Pesci can even walk down the street without a thorough ass-whooping.
Vader Plays the Blues
In this deleted scene from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, we see the least bad ass thing to happen to Darth Vader that doesn't involve Hayden Christiansen
You can't take it with you. So, they didn't.
These guys make the Joker look like a well-adjusted citizen.
A lot of medical problems read like horror movie scripts.
Tour guides don't tell you all the gruesome stuff that goes down at famous locations.
The real video game villains are in the marketing department.