Q: How do I avoid getting bird flu?
A: While it may seem overly cautious, various international health authorities are advising that persons in high-risk areas such as India, South East Asia and Cleveland, OH refrain from f*****g birds. At least for the time being.
We understand that complete abstinence is not always a viable option, and ask that when you do f**k birds, make sure to take appropriate precautions, such as pulling out. Q: Can I still eat poultry?
A: The thing is, bird flu tastes like chicken so you never know if your General Tzo's is infected. You're at highest risk if you're eating at a Chinese establishment that is owned by Mexicans or a Mexican establishment, owned by the Chinese. Best stick to KFC, which is made from featherless, beakless mutates that are not legally birds.
This way you can die of cancer like the rest of your neighbors. Q: How about eggs?
A: It depends on the kind of eggs. The ones that you buy in the store should be fine. But if you're the kind of person that goes from tree to tree raiding nests, you're engaging in high-risk behavior.Q: How do I protect my cockatoo or canary from bird flu?
A: If you keep a cockatoo or canary as a pet, slaughter it immediately. The proper way to do this is to grab its body in your fist, walk it into the kitchen, place it on the cutting board, and lop its head off with a knife. Pretty much any knife will do. Bird necks are about as tough as celery.