Q: How do I avoid getting bird flu?
A: While it may seem overly cautious, various international health authorities are advising that persons in high-risk areas such as India, South East Asia and Cleveland, OH refrain from fucking birds. At least for the time being.
We understand that complete abstinence is not always a viable option, and ask that when you do fuck birds, make sure to take appropriate precautions, such as pulling out. Q: Can I still eat poultry?
A: The thing is, bird flu tastes like chicken so you never know if your General Tzo's is infected. You're at highest risk if you're eating at a Chinese establishment that is owned by Mexicans or a Mexican establishment, owned by the Chinese. Best stick to KFC, which is made from featherless, beakless mutates that are not legally birds.
This way you can die of cancer like the rest of your neighbors. Q: How about eggs?
A: It depends on the kind of eggs. The ones that you buy in the store should be fine. But if you're the kind of person that goes from tree to tree raiding nests, you're engaging in high-risk behavior.Q: How do I protect my cockatoo or canary from bird flu?
A: If you keep a cockatoo or canary as a pet, slaughter it immediately. The proper way to do this is to grab its body in your fist, walk it into the kitchen, place it on the cutting board, and lop its head off with a knife. Pretty much any knife will do. Bird necks are about as tough as celery.
As you probably know, the head and body must be burned, separately, with their ashes scattered in different directions. Just like you're disposing of a vampire corpse.
Important: Be sure to rinse thoroughly both the knife and your cutting board! How stupid would you feel if you successfully killed and disposed of the infected bird only to later die from decrusting a PB&J sandwich? I bet you'd feel pretty fucking stupid.
If the caged bird is a beloved family pet, have your husband, wife or live-in fuckbuddy take the kids to a movie before slaughtering. When they come home, explain to them that lil' Petey flew out the window and then surprise them with a new pet monkey. Kids love monkeys, and they're 100% disease-free.
Q: What's the difference between a pandemic and an epidemic?
A: Here's a handy way of remembering it: If your home town is in the "-demic" part, you're probably already dead. Q: Is this thing a genuine threat or just media hype?
A: Despite what Michael Moore might have you believe, the two are not mutually exclusive. Michael Jackson was both a legitimate concern and the vertex of a media circus. Know what else gets a lot of hype but is also really dangerous? Terrorism.Q: Is the United States prepared to deal with an outbreak of bird flu?