In this classic piece, Jay Pinkerton shares some practical advice on how to deal with a difficult situation. If you are currently hurtling toward the Earth with no clothes on, this is an article you can't afford to miss.

Chapter 14 in the Unlikely Attack Scenario Handbook

Where am I?

You are currently 34,272 feet above sea level. Don't bother committing this number to memory; it is likely to change often throughout the next few minutes.

Why am I 34,272 feet above sea level?

29,108 feet now, actually. And it's because in all likelihood you have just been pushed out of an airplane. Congratulations! This is rare.

Why am I naked?

There are a variety of sound reasons for you being naked right now. It's very likely, for instance, that you were nude prior to boarding the aircraft and were unable to get a stewardess to bring you pants.

Alternatively, it's possible that you have done something recently to infuriate a drug lord, and that your nudity is meant to add a humiliating addendum to your demise.

Come to think of it, I got really drunk last night and made fun of somebody at a club.

That would have been Tyrone "Black Dynamite" Wilkins, the most feared drug lord in Detroit, and handily explains why you've being pushed out of an airplane. However, an insult alone wouldn't account for your nudity. Is it possible you made fun of his grotesquely large baby head?

In retrospect, I might have made several jokes about his enormous and mishapen baby head, yes.

This is probably the cause, then. Black Dynamite is hoping your nude freefall will be captured on camera and broadcast internationally, robbing your death of solemnity while it is looped continuously on news shows with amusing slide whistle noises. Also, not to put too fine a point on it, but it's very chilly at an altitude of 20,000 feet.

I'm not sure I-

Your penis is going to look hilariously small on national television.

Ah. So is there anything I can do?

If at all possible, try to panic. Thrashing around will create air resistance. This will fight the gravitational force pulling you rapidly towards the ground.

So it's possible I could stop myself from falling?

No, that would be idiotic. But it will effectively take your mind off of the very sudden impact you're about to experience.

I heard that people usually black out in situations like this. I probably won't feel a thing, right?

It is true that the velocity of your descent will cause you to lose consciousness prior to impact.

Well, that'-

However, it's important to note that hitting the ground at a terminal velocity of 120 miles per hour tends to be a bit of an attention-getter. So you'll probably wake right back up just in time to die horrifically.

Oh. Will it hurt?

Oh heavens yes. Though if it's any consolation, probably not for very long. I notice you haven't asked about whether or not you should use your parachute yet.

Oh thank Christ, I have a parachute?

Oddly enough, yes. You must have grabbed it before you were thrown out of the airlock. It's strapped to your back.

I just pulled the ripcord and nothing happened. Is something wrong?

Considering you just pulled the straps connecting the parachute to your body, one could say this is indeed the case. Note the large object directly behind you, floating slowly and happily away from your back. This was your parachute.

The ground's starting to look awfully close. Is there anything else I could try?

Tilt forward until you are floating completely flat on your stomach. This will better distribute the impact.

Distributing the impact might save my life?

Again, no. But it will probably ensure you explode.

So I'll still be dead?

But no one will know you were naked.


Get the Cracked Daily Newsletter!

We've got your morning reading covered.


Forgot Password?