david.hoffer

Vancouver

Real Name:

david.hoffer

Member Since:

March 16, 2011

About Me

I've been in corporate sales in the technology industry for 30 years and I've collected enough hilarious stories to keep people in stitches for days. I've also got a lot of writing experience, I used to edit an over the edge campus newspaper that only came out 3 times a year, and fist fights would break out over the last copy. Not only was it so funny that classes got interrupted by people in the back row reading and laughing, but I also got into a tiff with the Province of Saskatchewan's Human Rights Council. I can say with some pride that Canadians have the right to tell dirty jokes and that right is enshrined in a Supreme Court of Canada decision in my favour. I've always wanted to get back to writing humour, and I have some time available. Someone sent me a link to your article on Jedi Mind Trickes That Salesmen Are Using. It was pretty good, but only scratches the surface of what some of the slimier types do. Here's a quick example of what I'm talking about, and I have dozens more stories and examples even funnier. The following is fictitious of course, but I actually teach a course in getting appointments with corporate executives and this is the sort of thing that some slimereps wind up doing with it. (And Yes, it WORKS!)

Suppose you are a Jedi Salesman trying to get an appointment with the VP of Technology (Mr. Tech) at a very large company. Mr. Tech has no idea who you are and doesn’t like meeting with salesmen and will come up with any excuse not to. He doesn’t answer his own phone, he has an Executive Assistance (Mrs Ass) who hates salesmen even more than he does, she answers the phone for him. It is her job to prevent you from getting an introductory meeting with Mr. Tech. Here's how the conversation with a neophyte Jedi Salesman (Level 0) would probably go. After that, I've written up how a Jedi Salesman Grand Master (Level 10) would handle it. Yes, people do this, and yes, it works!

JEDI SALESMAN LEVEL 0 (NEOPHYTE)

Dial dial dial ring ring ring

“Hello, this is Mr Tech’s office, Mrs Ass speaking”

“Hi Mrs Ass, how are you today?”

Feeling of frost emanating from phone...

“Please state your name and what you are calling about.”

“Oh, sure, my name is Jedi Salesman 0 and I’m just calling –“

“What company are you with?”

“Uhm, I represent Defacto Standards Inc.”

“I don’t believe we do any business with Defacto Standards Inc.”

“Well, yes, I know that, that's why I’m calling to introduce-"

“Mr Tech is a very busy man”

“Of course I understand that, but-“

“Why don’t you call back in about three months and perhaps he won’t be so busy by then.”

“Well, OK, I could-“

Click. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Now let's observe a Grand Master in action:

JEDI SALESMAN LEVEL 10 (GRAND MASTER)

Dial dial dial ring ring ring

“President Scary’s Office, Ms Snarky speaking”

“Oh, I’m sorry. My apologies, I’m a bit confused. I was supposed to set up a meeting with the VP of Technology and they said to call Mr Scary, but you just answered the phone like Mr Scary is the president, did I get the wrong name when they put these issues I’m supposed to help with in the email to call him? Really confused here...”

“Yes, Mr Scary is the President. Mr. Tech is the VP of Technology”

“Oh thank you so much, that really helps. Oh I see, Mr. Tech’s name is in the email they sent... hang on... but it doesn’t say what his position is... hmmm or what his phone number is either, what a mess, uhm, could you...?”

“Certainly, Mr Tech’s phone number is 555-5555-555”

“Fantastic! I appreciate that so much! I owe you SUCH a big favour, can I send you some flowers or something?

“Oh no, you don’t have to do that, just doing my job”

“I insist, everyone’s in such a rush these days, taking a few minutes to help me out, you have no idea what that’s worth. Daffodils? Tulips?”

“Uhm....Daffodils are nice”

“Then daffodils you shall have! Thanks again, and oh....does Mr Tech have an Executive Assistant?”

“Ohhh yeah! Mrs Ass. She’s... a piece of work”

“LOL, thanks for the warning. What’s her first name?

“Janet”

“And yours? I’ll need that for the card for the daffodils”

“Brandi”

“Brandi, I’ve always like that name, such a pretty name, one of my nieces is named Brandi. Writing it down, just a second...OK Brandi, really appreciate it, I really do. I’ll call Mr Tech at the proper number...say, can you do an internal transfer for me to his office?"

“Certainly, and if there is anything else I can help you with, just call me”

“Thank you SO much, Brandi!”

“Your welcome!"

Click click

Ring ring ring (Mrs Ass has a call being transferred to her from the President's office according to her call display)

“Hello, Mr Tech’s office, this is Mrs Ass speaking”

“Janet? Janet Ass?”

“Uhm yes, who is this...?"

“Janet, its Jedi Salesman 10 here, I don’t remember where we met, but I know that name and that voice...”

“Well maybe if you could tell me-“

“Oh! Off course! Sorry! I’m with Defacto Standards, I’m supposed to be setting up a meeting with Mr Tech right away, boy that Mr Scary likes to get things done in a hurry, doesn’t he? Anyway, Brandi transferred me over to your line to speed things up. She said to talk to Mrs Ass, but I never made the connection with the name until I heard your voice, still trying to place it....well you’re probably crazy busy, you know what? When I drop by for the meeting I bet we’ll both remember right then and there where we've met before! Anyway, I know you’re busy, so what would be a good time later this week? I only need 45 minutes, maybe an hour tops, but it sounds pretty important so sooner than later is better.”

“Uhm...his first opening is Friday at 2:00, does that work?”

“Oooh, that might not...hang on checking calendar...Mr Thompson, gotta call him, couple little things for Mr Jeffrey, note that thing for Mr Scary, and Bob from Major Competitor of Yours...you know what, I can juggle everything, 2:00 works, see you Friday! And thankyou SO much for setting this up, you and Brandi are just great! Hey, do you like flowers Janet?..."