One of the very best things about men is the bafflingly stupid shit we do that often results in greatness. Where would the world be without the reckless, awesome retardation of the male gender? If not for the first man to think, “I shall build a horse equivalent… and power it on explosions!” would we have the automobile? If it wasn’t for the man who thought, “I can solve this problem… by cutting it open!” would we have modern medicine? If not for the first man to think, “I will watch pornography… through the telephone!” where would the Internet be? So this post is an ode of sorts; a textual power ballad dedicated to that unique combination of poor analytical skills and pure, steely awesomeness that is man. These are just images of men being men: Doing awesome, unexplainable things just because they look cool. Yes, here they are, eight prime examples of why I love men:
Wait… that came out wrong! Don’t start the list ye-
Well, look at that: It’s the pimped out Chinese Raptor Cavalry. Jesus, I don’t even know where to start. Do I focus on his pelt of foxes? The fur-tipped clitoris on his head? Or the terrifying implications made by the World War I-era Kaiser helmet that his hawk is wearing?
No, instead I want to draw attention to something most of you probably missed: There appears to be a goat’s skull and spine where his penis should be. Appreciate that for a moment, please. He’s wearing the desiccated remains of a goat for a codpiece, and look at his face. He thinks that’s funny.
He’s probably the tribe’s comedian. I’m sure he has even more jokes to tell you; just lean a little closer, so the Raptor-Kaiser can whisper them in your ear.
What on God’s swollen left testicle is the possible explanation for a man para-gliding with hawks glued to his elbows? Do the birds do his bidding, or do they despise him passionately? Are we witnessing the world’s first eagle-navigated flight, or the first terrifying seconds of a bird-murder? I do not know. I put forth that it is impossible to know. I suggest to you that this image is in fact a Koan: A Zen parable whose very inability to be explained will eventually bring enlightenment.
What, you disagree?
Well listen, hotshot, if you think you have a logical-sounding explanation for this picture, I suggest you either:
A) Look up the word “logic” in a dictionary, because you clearly don’t know what it means. Maybe you’re getting “logic” confused with “hot dogs” or “impotency.” It happens to me sometimes.
Or,
B) Have mercy on us groundfolk, Hawk-Man! Our pitiful senses are limited by the earth we must tread!
Listen: Don’t laugh guys. It’s tough living in Russia. I mean, you finally get finished forging your house-analogue out of the ruined corpses of old buses discarded by the affluent pig-dog Western nations, and what’s the first thing that happens?
Bear drive-by.
What was he supposed to do? Just bow down and let the grizzly gangs run the place? No, goddamnit. This is a man! He put down his bowl of shoe-leather soup, strapped on his Ursine Assaultin’ Trackpants (every Russian has a pair) and he went to beat that fucker to death with a pepper-mill. What doesn’t make sense about this to you?
Is it the pepper-mill? It’s the pepper mill, isn’t it?
Well, what do you use to spice up shoe-leather soup, smart guy?
Some questions might be running through your head right now, such as: “Is that guy underwater on a BMX bike? Is that a fucking shark? Is he trying to ollie? Is…is he ollying over the shark?” And finally: “HOLY SHIT IS THAT SANTA CLAUS?!”
Yes. The answer to all of those questions is yes. And the answer to your last, unspoken question, “why the crapping hell?” is easy: Because “good” is a relative term subject to the speaker’s moral compass. So even bloodthirsty sharks have “good” little boys and girls, and they have to get presents too. Being Santa is like being a mailman: Neither snow, nor sleet, nor underwater shark BMX rallies shall keep you from your appointed rounds.
There’s no fancy explanation for this one: You just parked in the wrong motherfucking spot. That’s not me being cute with descriptions, it clearly says “This is the Wrong Motherfucking Spot” on that sign back there. And there are always consequences for ignoring the rules… it’s just that sometimes those consequences are a little more Gravity Hammer-centric than others.
If he’s not the John Shaft/Buck Rogers of meter maids, well then the only other explanation I can think of for a large black man with a hammer-from-the-future bludgeoning a vehicle to death is because this particular car appears to be a Porsche Boxster. And Boxsters are the vehicle equivalent of a puka shell necklace: If you’re ever unfortunate enough to see one up close, chances are you’ve already been roofied and the owner is off somewhere doing his pre-date-rape stretches. Maybe Halo Shaft up there is just trying to make the world a better place, one double-popped-collar-wearing douchebag at a time.
Buster Sword guy is like The Little Engine That Could if somebody hung those novelty steel balls from the undercarriage. Buster Sword guy built himself a sword that everybody with any knowledge of basic physics knows you cannot ever practically wield, and then he fucking wielded it.
That’s not to say that he wielded it well–if there is a victor in that video, it is certainly not Buster Sword guy. However, it is also not the palette. No, the only victor here is the force of gravity itself who, but for the lack of lips, would be screaming, “I told you so!” by the end of the tape. Still, Buster Sword guy should not be mocked. He is a fantastic man-problem. He built that fucking sword himself, you know. He lifted it countless times. He knew the exact weight of the metals it was formed from. He knew full well that he could not swing the finished blade and yet even still, upon completion, he turned to his friend and said, “Turn the cameras on. I am going to murder a family of wood now, and it must be filmed.”
His motorcycle is matte black, its “holders” are of the sword variety rather than the conventional “cup” and he obeys the helmet laws… to a truly terrifying extent! He is the Samurai Cyclist, and he is a man doing what man does best: looking badass without really knowing why. Honestly though, this is what all men would look like without the level-headed censure of a woman’s influence. There is nothing particularly strange about this picture; this is just man at his most organic.
The great tragedy here is that, upon donning his custom built spiked shoulder pads, full samurai helmet and facemask; sheathing his swords in their spot-welded custom holders; and mounting his night-black, motored steed, this stupid world did not have the decency to end in a ball of fire, so the Samurai Cyclist found himself without a suitably post-apocalyptic landscape to race through. But did this stop him leaving the house? No! For he is man! He saw the unruined world outside and thought, “Fuck it. I’ll just take this thing to Nordstrom’s instead.”
And so he did. He probably bought a sweater there, chatted up a puckish salesgirl and maybe tried a sampler of this new cologne he had his eye on. But all the while, inside his head, you know his thoughts were naught but steel and fire. And maybe just a touch of argyle.
The temptation here is to chalk this picture up as just another one of those infamous “arab car stunts.” But look closely at this man; he is not a reckless teenager trying to keep himself entertained in the most lethal way available to him (because his country unfortunately outlawed the more standard lethal teenage entertainment: Carlo Rossi). This is an older man–almost respectable looking, actually–with the kind of beard one can only grow while lost in the desert for decades after having your heart broken by a treacherous lover. This is a man who should know better, and probably does. No, I don’t believe this is staged. There is something in that steadfast, noble posture that tells me this simply cannot be the case. I choose to believe this is just how Cycle-sheik gets from point A to Point B like any other commuter… except that “Point A,” in this case, is probably a portal of fire that only opens once every 50 years to let him roam the streets for a day, and “Point B” is a motherfucker that’s about to get stabbed at 75 miles an hour.
That’s right: stabbed. Oh, I’m sorry… did you miss the sword?
Well, that’s probably the best example of this point that I can possibly offer: When you stare in awe at a photo for several minutes and the very last thing you notice–almost as a side-note, really–is that the subject is armed with a three-foot, steel blade, what else can you be dealing with but a Man, in all of his bafflingly awesome, stunningly retarded glory?
This entry was posted on Monday, October 26th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Gay, Gay Marriage, Gayness, awesome, kind of gay. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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The Cracked.com Open Bar: An Incomplete Recollection
The 8 Manliest Images on the Internet
A Touching Children's Book Written While High
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November 21st, 2009 at 12:36 am
in defense of the alabama redneck. the muslims did try and kill of all of the sikhs, so i think you’re kinda wrong. have u forgotten history.
November 21st, 2009 at 12:31 am
The sheik is actually a sikh. Get it right.
November 18th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
did nobody else notice that the last guy has a gun, as well as a sword?
November 17th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Oh dude, I DID miss the sword!
November 16th, 2009 at 10:19 am
would like to point out that the “The Cycle Sheik” is not a Arab but a indian and he is a follower of the sikh religion
November 10th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
Porsche Boxters really are for pussies.
November 9th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
LOL! A friend suggested: Do a Ctrl+F here and search for the word ‘Sikh’ - have fun
November 9th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Hahaha I lmao for the number 7, the para hawker xD
btw I doubt #4 is real, the car was already damaged, and for #1 I am almost sure the bike was not moving, the blurr had been added afterward to simulate a motion, this is just a joke.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Jesus, so many of you are missing the point of this article. It’s supposed to be entertaining, a goal which it accomplishes very nicely (I laughed throughout the whole thing, at work, trying to hide behind my laptop).
To all of you who are crying ‘racist’- Yes, there are differences, large ones, between Muslims and Indians, but most Westerners aren’t going to be able to perceive those differences at a glance. It’s silly to get all up in arms about it.
I’m Caribbean Islander and white, and no one ever gets it right, but I don’t give a fuck because the world is too worried about political correctness when we should all just chill out and forgive each other for not knowing each nuance of every culture across the planet.
All of that said, Brockway, you are my favourite columnist on here for articles like this. I laughed so hard.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:56 am
How about this one of Benedikt Magnusson deadlifting 426kg (939 lbs)?
http://body.se/forum/426kg.jpg
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Yeah, he did security at kumoricon in full samurai armor.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:09 am
Wow. I took a picture of that samurai on a motorcycle in downtown Portland. It was some Anime Convention that was going on downtown, and it made the city hit the highest tier of the National Crazy Scale (Japanese Crazy).
November 1st, 2009 at 9:03 pm
anyone can post a link to where u can buy the helmet shown on #2? just ebay it? its really a full adapted motorcycle helmet? sorry as english is not my first language…
November 1st, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Dude, #2 is my dad… my !@#$ing dad… this is awesome.
October 30th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
I swear I grew a pair of balls just reading this article. Thanks, Brockway…I enjoyed being a girl!!
October 30th, 2009 at 10:47 am
First off, shut it Arsalan and Moha. Great article. I completely agree with you Champ. And I definitely missed the sword at first glance which made that part just that much better.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Well, this is tough. I truly do have a soft spot for motorcycle and sword combinations, (See avatar) but there’s something about that Sikh. I feel like, if you drove next to him (which would be difficult as he is going 138 miles per hour), he would give an appreciative nod in your direction, and you’d feel special.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __ AgelessFriends.com __ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 29th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
#3 is just some weeaboo
October 29th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
OH!!!
I looked it up in google images! the color is darkened! wow…
October 29th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
where is the santa? is it the shark? the diver… the blur in the background
October 29th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
12 manly pictures, not really the 12 manliest.
I’m in a “manly” facebook group with some images that make some of these as manly as a little girl doing washing some pantyhose!
October 28th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
I love Brockway. Errors or no, the main purpose (if any) for his articles are not useful information, its entertainment.
and to moha297, before you criticize grammatical errors of someone who is being paid to be ridiculous, at the very least run your comment through a spell check, because you just sound friggin’ retarded…very, very retarded.
October 28th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
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October 28th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
I think Buster Sword Bloke failed to notice that Cloud tended to swing the sword in a sideways fashion with a good running start… hence his back troubles. lol
October 28th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
That’s the hardest I’ve laughed all week.
October 28th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
#6 is too fucking awesome.
With the promise of neighbours like that i am so moving to Russia.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
#8 looks more mongol to me
#7 no f**king clue
#6 OFF THE LAWN!
#5 what do you mean? that isn’t san- HOLY SH**!
#4 see no. 7
#3 looks like the dude from final fantasy.
#2 japan. f**k.
#1 look at benutzer and listen. man know what he says.
October 28th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Have to agree with the Sikh at #1. I have shared space with 2 of them. The first was one who served in the military with me, and I was surprised at the blue turban as part of the US Army uniform. First Sgt told us, “That’s a Sikh. Don’t f*ck with him. They’re some of the baddest dudes on the planet.” Hearing that from him made it something to remember.
The second was a civilian traveling with his family. He was one of the most gentle and courteous people I’ve met. My understanding is that one can expect that from a Sikh - to be the most polite and deadliest person you’ll ever meet. Doesn’t get more manly than that. They deserve the highest respect.
October 28th, 2009 at 7:17 am
I humbly submit this manly man.
http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01394/Highland-Games_1394425c.jpg
October 28th, 2009 at 2:18 am
Alright, I’m only halfway through #5, and I’ve had to stop reading, ’cause I’m laughing so hard I’m crying, and can’t see the words anymore. Goddammit Brockway, you’re my favorite person ever.
October 28th, 2009 at 1:37 am
guys, i think you completly missed this one for your list. i bet that this kid will kick the ass of all from the above. all together. in one second. they wouldn’t even have time to think what they should think when they are supposed to think about what thinking is in this kind of situations. they will all look like they still have 7 years to think to prepare to learn how to write.
http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/post/Video-Five-year-old-Romanian-weightlifter-becom?urn=top,198525&cp=3
October 27th, 2009 at 9:36 pm
http://www.wealthycupid.org/
October 27th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Bear man is most manly. He’s the only one not doing it for attention.
October 27th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Um…But did anyone besides me notice that the guy in picture four is in fact holding a BOFFER weapon? When did LARPing become manly?
October 27th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Awesome article. Numbers one and two were amazing (regardless of where the “Sheik” is from.)
However, I don’t think that a goat skull on the first guy’s crotch. It looks like it’s just more fur, only white. (Sorry if this was mentioned already.)
October 27th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Awesome article but the last pic “the cycle sheik” isnt muslim hes from north india a state calle punjab. They all dress like that and they are known to be warriors. Hilaripous picture though thanks.
October 27th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Meh.
October 27th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
[...] times when I visit Cracked.com I read an article that I wish I’d thought of. This is one of those posts. Like this post? Share [...]
October 27th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
HOLY CRAP. I know that street. And those mannequins. Biker Samurai has graced the streets of our city with his undeniably badass presence. Portland just became that much more awesome.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I’ve got to say, I think the one with the bear should be number one!
October 27th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Paran Singh detests arab culture — this from a nomad whose own religion and culture wasw
October 27th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
where is professor BADASS??
October 27th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
To the redneck from Alabama who stated Sikhs “were born to kill muslims” :
Long way to go a*hole — and it’s never gonna happen.
Muslims : 1/4th of the world’s population; fastest growing religion.
And yeah, the reason why Sikhs carry a 3 foot sword as “part of their religion” is because they live in racist Hindu country called India.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
The first guy who made a comment about the guy being a Sikh (and not a Sheik!) was making a point, and helping Cracked readers possibly better understand something that was probably not familiar to them.
The rest of you are fucking morons.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:54 am
buster sword guy is the shit!
October 27th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Personally, I would’ve put the buster sword guy at #1. Not because I am a fan of Final Fantasy (which I’m not really), or because of the mere fact that he can lift that fucker and swing it. It is due to the sheer size of his balls and the fact he made it HIMSELF!!! What the fuck did any of you do today? Surely nothing more manly than making your own sword. The other images were just guys on motorcycle with swords.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Biker Samurai lives in Portland Oregon and I have in fact seen him riding in the snow.
October 27th, 2009 at 8:00 am
bear robbery….amazing……laughed so hard i cried, keep up the good work
October 27th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Why do all men except me seem to find being told that women are smarter than them amusing? Maybe it fits into the ‘absurdity’ rule of philosophy of comedy? I just find it irritating. It also makes me laugh that everyone and their mother is crying racism because the author doesn’t have an intricate knowledge of Eastern cultures half a globe away, yet no-one seems to care he’s openly called men stupid. Ah double standards.
This -was- funny for the most part though.
October 27th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Wow, some of the comment-makers are a-holes. Go 12 year-olds…
Laughed my socks off Cracked! Keep it comin’!
October 27th, 2009 at 6:41 am
#1 is a mongolian man holding an eagle. not a chinese man holding a hawk. keep up the good work chief.
October 27th, 2009 at 6:23 am
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October 27th, 2009 at 5:19 am
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October 27th, 2009 at 4:29 am
lolz racist
October 27th, 2009 at 4:18 am
i’ll paint my kawasaki black !!
October 27th, 2009 at 3:57 am
You ollie on a skateboard.
You bunny-hop on a BMX.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:17 am
This is the manliest image on the internet.
http://blog.beliefnet.com/stevenwaldman/imgs/teddy%20roosevelt-thumb-342×413.jpg
October 27th, 2009 at 2:58 am
The text is pathetic.
October 27th, 2009 at 2:37 am
I want to be photographed doing some stupid things too, any ideas?
October 27th, 2009 at 2:02 am
this is so fucking lame!!!
October 27th, 2009 at 2:00 am
How was the biker samurai NOT number 1?? Shit I feel like getting a Kawasaki and a katanna right now.
October 27th, 2009 at 1:23 am
Brilliant!
I own swords and have a motorbike license and I know where I can get a Samurai helmet.
Next stop, the Apocalypse!
October 27th, 2009 at 1:07 am
the more i look at #2 the more i am convinced that was taken here in portland. it’s actually just down the street from where i’m sitting now… it might actually even be a Nordstrom, too, but i’d have to go check and i can’t leave work. i must remember to look when i get out of here
October 27th, 2009 at 12:52 am
Indian Larry stood on his bike the same way lots of times and eventually died trying it. It doesn’t seem like that should be number 1 to me,
October 27th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Everyone worried about the Sikh/Sheik and nobody notices that Shark Santa only looks like Santa because he is wearing chainmail armor. Otherwise known as undergarments for wusses.
October 26th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
I love men, man.
October 26th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
Anyone else think that hawk pimp, shark santa, samurai cyclist, and the cycle sheik are secretly the four horsemen/cyclists of the apocalypse?
October 26th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Samurai Cyclist makes me think of Hiro Protagonist from “Snow Crash”. I’m sure someone’s already said that, though.
October 26th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
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October 26th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
The cycle sheik is NOT an Arab. He is an Indian. U need to get ur facts right.
October 26th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
“strapped on his Ursine Assaultin’ Trackpants (every Russian has a pair)”
that lol’d me. I have Russian roommate and he totally wears adidas track pants around the the house and at the gym
October 26th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
[...] by Punk Rock Feedmeister on Oct.26, 2009, under Reviews http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-8-ma…-the-internet/ [...]
October 26th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
samurai assassin, deadly sheik, and hawk man.
October 26th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
I am a willing human doormat. No one will ever respect me. I will forever remain in the friend zone. Then I’ll cry when all the big, mean assholes get sex from no less than a dozen new women every weekend.
October 26th, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Also edgarska, enjoy your virginity.
October 26th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
So strange how many of these look like real life video game characters. Both the samurai cyclist and huge sword guy look like something out of a Square Enix game. Everyone knows that the manliest image has to contain Lady Gaga: http://bit.ly/1VkRZE
October 26th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
dodoria, that will never happen. Know why?
You can say whatever you want about men
No matter how untrue
But, you can’t breathe a word about women
Especially if it’s true
October 26th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
The guy with the Gravity Hammer is Bungie’s head of security. Which is why he gets such a kick-ass parking enforcement weapon.
October 26th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Men…manly men…love manly men and lost a fabulous one today: my 89 yr old father-in-law.
RIP, Jack.
October 26th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
manliness. some people just dont understand that manliness isn’t code for gay. its code for awesome. thanks for the article
October 26th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
What is the name of the bike which is black in color and having a tail.
October 26th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
“impotency.” It happens to me sometimes
that’s a funny thing to say
October 26th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
#1 is not Arab…. That’s somewhere in India.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
In fact, the sword was the 2nd thing I noticed…
October 26th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
I know that the article’s about the glorious flaws of the male gender, but maybe you could include women, for some hilariously self-deprecating juxtaposition? It’s what Dave Barry does, and it goes a long way for keeping out the gay.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
that’s not a pepper mill, I think its an old belaying pin.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
you dont ollie on a bmx
October 26th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
the prius is up next!!!!
October 26th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Haha edgarska, you’re not getting laid by kissing girls’ asses online
October 26th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
dude is that samurai in Portland? i need to go downtown more
October 26th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
#1
its Captain Nemo!!!
October 26th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
consider my sides split.
October 26th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Also I love how the tags, and subsequently the related articles are intensely gay.
Wait, that didn’t come out right either.
October 26th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
The Samurai Cyclist lives in Portland, and I’ve seen him. It was so badass. He was wearing full samurai gear, too. The intensity was turned up to 11…at least.
October 26th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
To all you calling him out on spelling of buses vs. busses: I don’t give a damn, because some dork writing this article can’t even tell a rail car from a bus. So the number of ’s’s is pretty damned irrelevant, really.
October 26th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Does #1 have a boner? cause i’m pretty sure I see a boner
October 26th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
I think pizzacat is a pretty weak troll, but you have to admit he gets results. I’ve seen him (I can only assume they’re all the same user) successfully troll at least a dozen comment sections on this site, and so many people easily fall into his trap.
Though his methods are tired, boring, and incredibly unoriginal, so many of you fall for it EVERY DAMN TIME.
Also kick ass article. Mr Brockaway is now without question my favorite columnist, even though this one was weaker than his previous articles. This one, and more so his other ones, are that bad ass.
Being a recovering Halo nerd I also recognized Gerome, and went to spam Urk with links, but he had already submitted the article to the front page of bungie.net.
October 26th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
That basking shark guy is a wuss
A) That looks like a basking shark(you can tell by the oversized gills). Basking sharks while they are larger and look a lot like great whites are actually pretty harmless.
B) camera angle suggests that he is doing an ollie NEXT TO a shark not over it(both are at right angles)-thats not even photoshop thats slopy angles. Your to much of a pussy to possibly disturb an animal that eats PLANKTON.
Way to be a man SANTA. grow some balls santa Santa, try to jump over a real shark next time. lame….
October 26th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Confused, she call Brockway sexist for saying all women are level-headed. Now get back to the Kitchen!
October 26th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
What was the BMX santa doing before he jumped that shark?
Fucking swordfighting with the fucking cycle sheik. That’s what Bmx Sant was doing.
Yeah, didn’t you see? The cycle sheik has 2 fucking swords. Dude.
October 26th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
hilariousnousisity
October 26th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I’m slightly confused as to how this article is sexist. And if it is how would that be rectified? Did you expect them to add a secondary list of ‘manliest women’ here?
Oh, and I agree. The picture of the dude with the hyena on a leash is pretty BA.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
“Honestly though, this is what all men would look like without the level-headed censure of a woman’s influence. ” Who are you calling level-headed you fucking sexist son of a bitch!?!
October 26th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
I’d like to know what the BMX Santa was doing before he decide to jump the shark…
October 26th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
“Yes, here they are, eight prime examples of why I love men:
Wait… that came out wrong! Don’t start the list ye-”
Got me chuckling and from there it only got better - well done.
The Cycle Sheik = My new T-shirt.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
How the fuck did the picture of the guy holding a flippin’ hyena on a leash (here: http://www.vreugdenhil.info/www/pics/hyena%27s/hyena%20man.jpg) not make it on this list. That is literally the most manly thing ever.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
The big black guy is Gerome (sp?) Simpson of Bungie Studios. You should hear his voice!!
October 26th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
#1 is a a Darwin Award about to happen. The Boxter thing is only in America - here such people all drive Honda Civic Type Rs - the Boxter is driven by businessmen who can’t afford a 911.
Do I get the impression that Brockway is a bit too obssessed with men? This entire column has after all been one long slightly-homoerotic indulgence for him…
October 26th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
very very good. nice word punching, and no punches pulled or pinched. I like the keywords too.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
The cycle sheik is boss.
October 26th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
“And Boxsters are the vehicle equivalent of a puka shell necklace: If you’re ever unfortunate enough to see one up close, chances are you’ve already been roofied and the owner is off somewhere doing his pre-date-rape stretches. Maybe Halo Shaft up there is just trying to make the world a better place, one double-popped-collar-wearing douchebag at a time.”
I LOL’ed
Also, that Buster Sword guy was pretty badass, still can’t carry it like Zack or Cloud though lulz.
October 26th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
khalsa ji, bitches!
October 26th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Sikh’s are pretty much the biggest BADASSES on the face of the earth.
Seriously, if you can tell just by looking at one, just read some history.
My greatest regret in life is that I was born as some white asshole, instead of a muthafucking Sikh.
October 26th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
[...] The 8 Manliest Images On the Internet (Cracked) [...]
October 26th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
@Mannon
Meh, I looked at the pictures.
Maybe I missed a chuckle of two…
October 26th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
@ shuddup
then you, sir, are an idiot.
October 26th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Samurai Cyclist Vs. Cyclesheik : Quest For Blacktop Eden
coming this summer!
October 26th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
#4 is Jerome Simpson, the Bungie Studios head of security.
October 26th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
its not an ollie on a bike
October 26th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
I think the order should be reversed. Except for the Sikh guy. He really is the most badass.
But the guy with the huge sword is just retarded.
“Maybe Halo Shaft up there is just trying to make the world a better place, one double-popped-collar-wearing douchebag at a time.”
This made me cry manly tears. I’ll add him as a Non-Playable Character in a little Post-Apocalyptic role playing game I’m developing right now.
This article reminds me of “The True Stories Behind 5 Famous WTF Images” (http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-true-stories-behind-5-famous-wtf-images/), which was also made of pure awesomeness.
“Cycle-Sheik is a Sikh, the sword is his kirpan, it’s a religious item, he’s always got to have it on.”
A nice beard. A cool turban. A badass sword. Sounds nice. How do I convert?
October 26th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I quit reading at “affluent pig-dog Western nations”
October 26th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Pizzacat is troll, most likely not even a woman. Searches for ’sexist’ articles and trolls. Ignore!
October 26th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
jaja esta conmadre me vale pito yo escribirem en español xD sobres
October 26th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Why do you people always refer to people from India and southwest Asia as Arabs? The Middle East does not include those regions.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I think that it should also be brought to readers attention that while not only sexist (obviously misogynistic considering the total lack of females in them - you idiot) this series also demonstrates a clear bias against hawks, bears and motorbikes. You idiot.
Pizzacat you are an idiot. But if you’re hot we’ll let you off.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Pizzacat is a mindless FUCK. “women should be treated as better then men.”
First of all, learn grammar. Second of all, women being treated better than men is just as sexist as the other way around. So go back to your goddamn feminist convention.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
The motion blur in the Cycle Shiek image was caused by the photographer being in a car going in the other direction.
Still an epic pic, though.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Awesome article. I’m kinda disappointed however, that you didn’t include the album cover for Judas Priest’s Painkiller. There’s so much manly and awesome in one image it’s almost indescribable.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
pizzacat contradicted herself, but i do agree that women should be treated better than us.
great article by the way, i didn’tsee the sword
October 26th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Also, I had to laugh at the fact that this article is “filed under Gay, Gay Marriage, Gayness, awesome, kind of gay.”
If those tags are broad enough to include this article, surely at least four of them are exactly the same as each other? (I’ll let you pick the four)
October 26th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
pizzacat should be fucked with a bacon-covered g.i. joe dildo while her assailant sings “the battle hymn of the republic” and smokes a cigar with scotch in his other hand
October 26th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
And, yes, I accidentally used “right” instead of “write.”
That doesn’t make you any more of a worthy human being.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
I think pizzacat just pastes that as a comment to any article with a title that mentions something about gender
October 26th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Pizzacat, are you just blind? Or just stupid?
While I’d like to see men stop using the childish, “she’s behaving in a mean manner to me, she must be ON HER PERIOD” at every given turn…
THE WRITERS OF THIS SITE ARE ALL MEN!!
Goodness, you silly, little troll. Was it that hard to notice that? They’re all men, so they’re going to be interested in making articles about man things.
And if you’re so concerned about feminism on an ALL-MALE site, why are you here? Go right Cracked For Women, you dumb bitch.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
If the Samurai and the Sheik got into a crash…
October 26th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Calm down, pizzacat is obviously a troll.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
of course that samurai fucker is from portland.
OF COURSE he is.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Don’t worry, Pizzacat. Tomorrow will see The Most Feminine Pictures on the Internet. Until then, back into the kitchen.
October 26th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
If there was a photo of what I’m about to tell you, it might fit into this stunningly bad-ass guy “without the level-headed censure of a woman’s influence”:
A crossbow. Not just any crossbow. Those big, stupid, war-like hunting mammoth’s crossbow. Purchased by my boyfriend, who I guess was “Lucky” enough to not have me with him to smack him upside the head when he even THOUGHT about buying one.
October 26th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
“Honestly though, this is what all men would look like without the level-headed censure of a woman’s influence.”
-Am a woman.
-Would totally steal this motorcycle and/or the man on it and claim it/him as my own.
October 26th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
pizzacat, would you kindly explain what about this article was sexist? I don’t mean to challenge you’re opinion, i just want you to offer evidence for the rest of us. Also, if women were treated better than men, wouldn’t that be exactly as sexist as before, except you personally wouldn’t have to suffer?
October 26th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
wow a funny article!
October 26th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
why must we idolise men who are clearly sexist, i have been viewing many articles on this site and many of them are sexist it is disgusting women should be treated as better then men
October 26th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
That guy’s not Chinese. He’s Mongolian.
lrn2ethnicity
October 26th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
C’mon, Robert, you know you took the picture of the motorcycle samurai with your iPhone outside Pioneer Square Mall. But he is awesome, and does fully deserve to be on this list.
October 26th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Bugger. Now I feel a right ponce riding my bike with leathers and bonce-bin when cycle sikh has the protection of his own awesomeness.
October 26th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
The guy with the Hammer’s name is Jerome. Get it straight. God.
October 26th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Yummy! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
BA- BOING!!!
October 26th, 2009 at 11:43 am
[...] girlishly long locks and ardent love for sensitive indie jams? Well, get some inspiration from: The Eight Manliest Images On The Internet (via The Daily [...]
October 26th, 2009 at 11:42 am
LOL! The very best part about this article is THE TAGS.
On the downside, I might as well just give up because no man I ever meet could possibly out-man these men and I’m not one to settle for second-best.
October 26th, 2009 at 11:39 am
some of you might notice the erection the cycle-sheik has, but that is the actual size of his penis when limp from the constant blow jobs he gets from arabian beauties
October 26th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I liked this considerably more than the main article. Your take on mind-baffling pictures has always been an incredible source of entertainment for me.
@Rasalom
NO, dammit! Brockway says it’s real!
October 26th, 2009 at 11:21 am
I recognize that area of Portland in the Samurai Cyclist pic! I need to go downtown more often, cuz I’ve never seen him.
October 26th, 2009 at 10:59 am
A few of these look like Photoshops =\
October 26th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Buster sword guy is a mate of mine! I’ve sent him the link to this
October 26th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Oh great, now I’ll keep imagining the Samurai cyclist and The Cycle sheik racing in an endless freeway while trying to kill kill each other.
October 26th, 2009 at 10:42 am
in the 4th picture you can see that the car has already been dented and smashed. the hammer man was hard at work
October 26th, 2009 at 10:32 am
haha i always liked these two— pretty damn manly i’d say
October 26th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Samurai Cyclist.
Rule 34.
Go.
October 26th, 2009 at 10:16 am
number 7
quote “witnessing the world’s first eagle-navigated flight”
is actually correct except for the being first part
he uses the birds to find thermals ( rising air ) , to get higher
October 26th, 2009 at 10:14 am
buster sword guy sounds like Graham Chapman in Holy Grail when he yels “Jesus Christ!”
October 26th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Upon viewing the Hawk Pimp pic, I heard Thorny from
Super Troopers saying “I am all that is man!” in my head.
October 26th, 2009 at 10:00 am
immense.
i want moar.
October 26th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Funny stuff, great article.
October 26th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Holy shit, I’ve seen Samurai Biker guy. He lives in Portland, Oregon, as do I. He’s like a staple of the downtown SE Portland scene…everyone knows this guy.
October 26th, 2009 at 9:54 am
#8 is probably a Kazakh or a Kyrgyz. Mongolians don’t hunt with falcons
October 26th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Holy fucking BALLS, MM! That’s the pure essence of all that is Man.
October 26th, 2009 at 9:20 am
God, why do you people have to be so anal about every fucking stupid little detail? Enjoy the article, have a few laughs, then move on.
October 26th, 2009 at 9:15 am
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL…..the first one
October 26th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Thank you, Cracked, for continually reminding me why I’m not a lesbian.
October 26th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Sorry folks, but the manliest image on the entire Internet is none of the above. If you think you can handle it, take a look at “Riding the Vertical Wall-of-Death with a Lion in the Sidecar”:
http://martinklasch.blogspot.com/2008/08/vintage-photos-lion-in-sidecar.html
October 26th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Is it just me or are Cracked articles getting less and less funny?
October 26th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Hey Joselgnacio not only are u gay AND seeing things, but you also have a poor knowledge of typing words correctly/coherently.
October 26th, 2009 at 8:57 am
did you noticed the bonner of the last guy?
or i’m just a gay and i’m seeing things
October 26th, 2009 at 8:54 am
It’s clearly a BMX. Also the rider is part of a religion that requires him to wear a scuba tank at all times while deep underwater.
October 26th, 2009 at 8:36 am
The guy in #6 (Bear Robbery) is brandishing a potato masher. No, seriously, you guys. It’s that wooden thing that looks like a scaled-down version of a baseball bat, but too big for a conventional pestle. Every Russian home has at least one of these.
October 26th, 2009 at 8:06 am
This is a much awesomer sword by the same guy with the giant one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1oV-znjLa4&annotation_id=annotation_964202&feature=iv
Fucking a.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:55 am
@Rick
The picture of the barrel-chested man was in another photos list on the site, so that may be why it wasn’t repeated.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Apparently, people only read Cracked articles so that they can point out details about the article that the author did not explicitly mention, thus ensuring that the rest of the internet knows how smart they are.
This is a comedy website. You want complete factual accuracy, read an encyclopedia.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:44 am
RE: #4, I think I my Barbarian had that weapon back when I played D2
October 26th, 2009 at 7:41 am
that isnt a boner… that is what a real man’s cock looks like flaccid.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:26 am
perx and oneoldman shut the hell up lets go nitpick some more you douche nozzles. great article robert
October 26th, 2009 at 7:25 am
The Hawk Pimp doesn’t have a goat-head codpiece, just some brown and white pelt.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:25 am
I didn’t notice the sikh’s sword because I was too busy noticing his boner.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:23 am
I have to agree with what rick said i mean look at that pic come on
October 26th, 2009 at 7:21 am
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October 26th, 2009 at 7:20 am
souza…seriously? You’ve been on this site before right?
October 26th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Ok, that was outstanding.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Hahaha, nice.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:02 am
ALL hail the parkin Ogre!!!
October 26th, 2009 at 7:00 am
about the #8 Hawk Pimp
what a racist topic cracked did here, its a mongol rider, more specific, a remanicent of an old culture that racist and dumb idiots like who wrote this topic wasn’t able to destroi.
October 26th, 2009 at 6:40 am
How is this not on the list whatsoever, let alone number 1?
http://www.angeloplessas.com/blog/uploaded_images/TreeTruck3-720127.jpg
October 26th, 2009 at 6:36 am
OH, he insulted someone by claiming something was a BMX bike, oneoldman is now butthurt, apologize Brockway…
Great article, funny stuff, do not mess with Traffic Ogre!
October 26th, 2009 at 6:30 am
@oneoldman
Who gives a shit? Good article Robert
October 26th, 2009 at 6:23 am
Holy shit! Samurai Motorcycle guy is from Portland, Oregon - I live there, and see him rather frequently. I have never thought of him as a badass, manly-man, but rather a fantastic douche.
Thanks for clearing that up, sir.
October 26th, 2009 at 6:11 am
Hey jackass, thats a mountain bike, and not a BMX bike in #5. Fucker’s just trying to stomp some fishy bitches. Go outside, and find out more about bikes by accosting every person on a bicycle you find. THEN start writing articles that involve things with wheels. You’re clearly out of your depth here Robert.
October 26th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Did anyone else notice that all the related articles are about homosexuality?
Gave me an extra chuckle.
October 26th, 2009 at 6:02 am
Very inspirational. One can only hope to reach such levels of badassery and manliness…
October 26th, 2009 at 6:01 am
I could find some vague semblance of sense in all of the photos except for the underwater bicycling Santa. That one completely baffled me as to the how and the why.
And I must say, while I had no problem arguing with the little douchebag who placed a ticket on my car just as I was running up to it (literally less than two minutes over the limit) I would never ever ever argue with the Traffic Ogre.
October 26th, 2009 at 5:55 am
My God, it’s the kind of men I’ve been looking for my whole life! And apparently the kind of men that Brockway has also been looking for!
October 26th, 2009 at 5:50 am
This article might as well have been called “8 images I like for no particular reason, with no real explanation or indeed any sort of point at all”.
October 26th, 2009 at 5:48 am
@foodfiend: Ahem…. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bus#Etymology I always use the double-s plural cuz it actually makes sense (one ’s’ just makes me say “boo-zes” inside my head)
October 26th, 2009 at 5:45 am
I just had a look at the sword guys other videos, and there’s one in which he takes that same sword AND IGNITES IT!!! He’s running around in the middle of the night with a Huge Sword, WHICH IS ON FIRE!!! And the blaze can be seen charging at this wooden pallet which he then proceeds to beat the shit out of. Surely he is man, in all of its glory.
October 26th, 2009 at 5:44 am
[...] 2009The 8 Manliest Images on the Internet Jump to comments Posted in: Featured There’s a new post up on Cracked today, and instead of writing a misleadingly enticing synopsis of it for you, I’m just going to [...]
October 26th, 2009 at 5:40 am
[...] Cracked has the 8 Manliest images ever. [...]
October 26th, 2009 at 5:38 am
Also, stop explaining these! I know the context and logical explanations for every single one of them. But I already wrote an article explaining (and thus ruining) some of the best ‘WTF images’ out there - this time I’m trying to give some back!
October 26th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Number 8 is a Mongolian falconer. They traditionally used golden eagles to hunt wolves and deer. The kaiser helmet is a Mongolian hood, which keeps said eagle from spooking the horse or trying to eat his face. Yep, he’s more badass than that picture implies.
October 26th, 2009 at 5:35 am
The videos are called “arab car stunts.” I even linked to the fucking search term in the very same sentence you’re bitching about. I’m not calling that guy an arab, I’m referencing the video phenomenon.
But yeah, I screwed it on the Boxster. Corrected.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:58 am
what about that picture of the dudes walking down an african street walking baboons and hyenas like they were pet dogs?
October 26th, 2009 at 4:58 am
So….manly. This is the testostezone.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:55 am
#3 is a guy dressed like William Wallace with Cloud’s (Final Fantasy) Sword.
Still pretty badass
October 26th, 2009 at 4:52 am
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October 26th, 2009 at 4:47 am
WTF? “Busses” and saying that the car pictured, clearly a Porsche, is a Sebring? Edit your god damn articles before posting them.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:45 am
#4 is actually the main security guy at Bungie. I think his name was Jerome. He actually wrestled a bear once, so you know not to fuck with him.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:37 am
That car was a Porsche, not a Sebring
October 26th, 2009 at 4:34 am
Awesome list. The Samurai Cyclist write-up was insanely hilarious. Thanks Brockway!
October 26th, 2009 at 4:28 am
Dude, thats not just a sebring up there, thats a porsche boxster! which means the drive is about 73 time more likely to be a complete and total douche…..id say the punishment fits, shoulda took out windshield…..
October 26th, 2009 at 4:25 am
That was amazing. I laughed. Thank you Brockway. Thank you
October 26th, 2009 at 4:24 am
Yeah, I think #1 is Indian, not Arab. Still, funny article.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Dude, That guy in no. 1 isn’t Arab. He’s Sikh.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:17 am
#1 is more like a cycle sikh.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:16 am
I wish all those things were just out on the street tomorrow. I could die a happy man then.
October 26th, 2009 at 4:09 am
That’s not a Sebring. It’s a Porsche Boxster.