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So You Need to Disarm A Chimpanzee
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November 15th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Thank you, DOB. I was so scared before I found this.
November 10th, 2009 at 2:23 am
Fantastic!!!
November 6th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
This book should come with a chimp mask, banana(s), and some LSD, for precautionary measures.
Love your stuff, DOB
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:27 pm
[...] you always have that “I was inebriated” defense built-in. Or my favorite, “I was held hostage by a chimpanzee and he used my computer to write The Jay Leno Show using my [...]
October 30th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Amazingly, these steps can also be applied to my little brother and an orange, albeit with less chance of succes and being pelted with feces (mostly)
October 29th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
to mr. what if:
i dunno what made me laugh harder the article or your response!
October 27th, 2009 at 11:54 am
DOB, you forget to mention that my army has swelled to alarming levels, and consists, primarily of chimpanzees, as well as a few humans, gorillas, gibbons, etc… And they are all armed. If you venture near Madagascar, you may well run into our forces, which, while stationed on Madagascar, have been roaming far and wide to further increase our territory.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:14 am
I think you’re being very pressumptious and a little bit judgemental. I was just sitting in my living room when an armed chimp walked in. It certainly wasn’t my gun.
I think it is important to stress that there ARE rogue chimps out there that are armed - and - probably - do drugs as well. It’s not all our fault.
Certainly not mine.
October 26th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Excellent article, but it looks like the chimps in the comments section are gunning for you!
October 26th, 2009 at 10:16 am
This was glorious. If it were a real book, I would buy 100 copies and pass them out on street corners.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:00 am
And on another note, again you have caught me before i could get my adult diapers on. YOU BASTARD every damn time. I think it won’t be that funny…..but here we are again.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Oh man it was touch and go there for a minute. Untill i realised that he was just having a bad hit from the ‘medical marajuana’ we got from the ‘doctors’ we were just ‘testing’.
I will tell you two things a g-con45 looks pretty real when your that gone and you will do anything when a pissed of chimp is waving a gun at you……..anything.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:32 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…no
October 25th, 2009 at 1:48 am
If only I’d read this guide last week, before Mr. Furry had his ‘incident’.
October 24th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
the total randomness of the topic was probably funnier than the article itself. I love you DOB
October 24th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
http://www.cracked.com/funny-2792-alien-encounters/
October 24th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
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October 24th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Holy shit, that money was armed with a 50. Caliber M95
October 24th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __ AgelessFriends.com __ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 24th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
I need a Cliff Notes version that’s only ONE page!!! Ironically enough, if memory serves I think This American Life did a story where this actually happened. This monkey trainer got pulled over for some reason and the cops cuffed him up and his monkey went insane and locked himself in the squad car with a shot gun but the trainer refused to help. I guess this would be useful if I was at a Furry Party gone wrong http://bit.ly/3gFZY8
October 24th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
practical, pragmatic, simple- yet uncomplicated. cause we’ve all been there and wish we had read such sage advice.
October 24th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
chimpocry… shititng yourself and giving the gun to the chimp in the first place SNAPPPPPPPPPPPP **** (four stars)
October 24th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Hahaha, oh god, this was great!
October 24th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I love this retarded stuff. It’s also a nice little vacation from DOB’s usual meglomaniacal rants about his last psychotic break at the office.
(although, I love those too)
October 24th, 2009 at 10:39 am
So when you’re confronting an armed chimpanzee,one should always assume that there’s a second chimp gunner. Good to know.(By the way,isn’t that how they got JFK?)
October 24th, 2009 at 10:04 am
“chimpocracy”!!!!!!!!! XD fucking priceless. go DOB
October 24th, 2009 at 2:33 am
Now we need a book about capuchins with switchblades. Those suckers are everywhere.
Nice article, though a bit abrupt at the end. Got a fair number of chuckles out of me.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:50 pm
ITT: DOB writes a love song to chimps.
i hereby proclaim that chimps are teh new kittehs.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:46 pm
There’s a subject-verb agreement typo in part four, section 1
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:38 pm
gherkin miov: Never happen. Chimps and gorillas fucking LOATHE each other to the point that you’d have to be posing a bigger threat to both of them put together (a la Marvel Team-Ups) to get them to team up. Just don’t pose a threat to both at once, and you’ll be fine.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:25 pm
@gherkin miov: You hide under your desk and wait for death.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:24 pm
What do I do if the chimpanzees joined forces with the gorillas?
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Fucking great! I was rolling the whole way through this one and couldn’t keep from laughing out loud.
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:47 pm
what’s with all the lame jokes in the comments?
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Damn happy I stumbled across your informative article this afternoon. (I had planned to go out drinkin’ tonight with some friends, one of which was bringing a Chimpanzee along.) I tend to get rather coarse when I’ve had a few too many and was going to harass the Chimpanzee a tad…you know, make fun of his name (Chimpanzee, … panzy. Get it?), and let him play with a gun and stuff just for laughs. I didn’t realize that Chimps are so touchy about these things. Thanks again mate. You saved my freakin’ life with your insightful research. (Why don’t they teach this shit in school?!)
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I didn’t know chimps were smarter than us. I guess everyday we learn somethiong new. lol
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
That hurts.. I tried disarming a monkey with the instructions in this book since I was too cheap to get the $69.95 So You Need to Disarm A Monkey book.. It shot my hands several times then tied me up and tried to sell me on eBay.
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Of course! The chimp in the corner! HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THE CHIMP IN THE CORNER!?
October 23rd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
chimpocracy is classic.
October 23rd, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Funny, the ending was rater abrupt though..
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:52 pm
wow that was retarded
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:30 pm
This book saved my life! All I had to do was trade my girlfriend for the gun. You know those ’scientists’ who say the chimpanzees don’t really make sweet, sweet brutally forced sexual acts to human women? They will if you tie them up first (the woman, not the chimpanzee) and rip their clothes off (again, the womans, not the chimpanzees, because they don’t wear clothes). Then they will poop on them and eat a banana.
Long story short, I am alive and happy. My ex-girlfriend is now hooked up with the chimp and having a great time, spending their days eating bananas, having chimp-human sex, and throwing poo everywhere. I hear they are having a baby soon.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __ AgelessFriends.com__ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 23rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I actually got my chimpanzee to give me my gun back. Luckily, he didn’t realize it was a water gun.
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Once I faced a chimp with a gun and I fired my EYE LAZORS and burned his stinky chimp ass to ash.
You can read about it in my book: “How to EYE LAZOR Your Ass out of any situation.”
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
not really Dan’s best work but still rather entertaining
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
what I meant was psychoanalyzed.
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I like the dude who has psycholanalyzed a chimpanzee a few comments down. Awesome.
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
It’s like my grandpa always said,
“fuck you and fuck the chimpanzee you rode in on”.
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Thank you DOB! I was able to disarm my chimpanzee in minutes with the help of this book, and all it took were the deaths of my girlfriend, sister, and best friend!
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Dan has gotta be one of the funniest writers ever!!!!! THIS was some great shit!! Do NOT lose this guy!!!
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:27 am
The world is safe now, thank you.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:26 am
chimpocracy, i almost pissed myself laughing when i read that. absoloutley hillarious!
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:58 am
Chimpanzees are noble and docile? lol. We share a lot more with chimps than just DNA and dexterity. Chimps are extremely violent and dangerous. They can easily rip you to shreds if they felt like it. They don’t need no stinkin’ guns!
The easiest way to avoid getting killed by a chimp is to cover your head and just be submissive, like with wolves. Then they’ll brag to their chimp buddies about how they took down one of those tall creatures that walk on two feet. They won’t bother hurting you if there’s no resistance.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:58 am
Holy shit this was hilarious.
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:50 am
Simply brilliant. BRILLIANT! SIMPLY!
Now how about one on outsmarting Jesus come the Rapture?
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:50 am
But just not from this article… yummy! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:25 am
Somebody should have given this article to the lady in the background of suicide silence’s “….and then she bled”
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:20 am
@ HiroAntagonist
haha i fully agre with u, DoB is the best writer on cracked
1.DoB
2.Chris B.
3. Swaim
4. HBN
October 23rd, 2009 at 10:08 am
If you were attacked by an unarmed chimpanzee, chances are, you will be the one who is disarmed in the most gruesome literal sense.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:47 am
You know, I am not afraid to admit that I would buy just about any book that you write. This, your cookbook, that Girls Gone Wild novel. You, my friend, are an excellent and compelling author. How many people think we should nominate DOB for the Nobel Prize in Literature?
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:27 am
I lol’d. Thanks, DOB, I needed that
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:08 am
i want to have my way with you
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:05 am
I saw this, and thought it wouldn’t be good. Then I saw it was written by DOB, and HAD to read it. Then I read it, took a break, and read the final page. It was surprisingly disappointing.
That’s oka DOB, still love ya!
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:05 am
DOB, you almost never disapoint… and you didnt today. Thank you for the laugh
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:01 am
[...] So You Need to Disarm A Chimpanzee [...]
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:55 am
Thanks for the comments guys!
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:54 am
Fucking great !
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:52 am
after buying the gorilla with a shotgun book, i see it is merely a list of prayers, im guessing because you have no hope of survival.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:52 am
This would have been better if you showed a picture of the author, and the author turned out to be DOB the chimpanzee.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:50 am
too insanely funny
I laughed out loud and cried in the school library and everyones staring at me as im writing this
“As no one knows better than you right now, none of these methods work.”
that line sent me flying
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:45 am
Protip: Chimpanzees have the largest testicles of any primate. So when you say that weapon skill isn’t directly tied to testicle size, that’s actually a good thing.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:40 am
I nearly dookied a shooter reading this(which may have been the right thing to do given the situation) . Best part was the gorilla with a shotgun in the NOTE section. My friends and I have talked, for years, about how fanfucktasticly awesome to the max it would be to give an angry gorilla a shotgun, just let him loose in a public place and watch hilarity/unspeakable carnage ensue. Now that I know “How to disarm a Gorilla with a Shotgun” exists that wont be a problem anymore
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:36 am
So chimps are basically Jason Bourne, is what you’re saying.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:34 am
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October 23rd, 2009 at 8:22 am
I didn’t find this funny, it just didn’t make me laugh for some reason. I liked the joke about chimpanzees having just as many (if not more) rights than humans though.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:19 am
“He’s hacked into the Mainframe, and he is very good at what he does.”
Wow… Just… Wow.
Fuggin’ Love it.
October 23rd, 2009 at 8:18 am
QUICK, WHAT’S THE NUMBER FOR THE AUTOMATED HELPLINE?! I managed to distract the roof-monkey (sorry, chimp) with a banana, and I have only seconds before he finishes eating it! Oh, God…Here comes their leader…hey, where did he get a shotgun? I only gave him a handgun!…wait a minute, where’s my shotgun?? OH GOD, HELP ME PLEA………*click*
*krzchzzzzzzzz….* (the line has gone dead)
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:59 am
omg, Disarming a chimp… how do you come up with an idea like this? Man, I’d love to be in the meeting room when someone throws out that idea.
The concept itself is almost MADlibs, but damnit, DOB can write about anything. I loved the “tips” the most. Hilarious.
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:58 am
Damn DOB, Hardy boys, EroFic, now a so you need to guide, can someone please give you a book deal already?! cause I would totally buy the shit out of all these books.
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:54 am
Damn, DOB is on a roll! He’s put out about 4 classics in a row.
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:51 am
I think it is more likely that the chimp would disarm me first. As in, remove my arms. Ha.
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:28 am
Okay, I followed this, I waved my arms, I pointed at the gun and winked, and I noticed the sniper monkey, and I sang to it, and he still got me in the right knee. What do I do from there? Do I still have options?
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:27 am
Hilarious! Better be careful when my phone loses reception…
Keep ‘em coming DOB
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:22 am
Why isn’t this guy a book author yet???
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:06 am
Seriously DOB, this was some of the best shit I’ve read on this site in a while.
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:05 am
Brilliant, on par with classic installments of the “So you need to…” series, such as “So you need to taste human flesh” and “So you need to get your dick out of a pool filter”. I applaud your fine work sir.
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:46 am
also Dan your art for this article was not up to par with your usual standards. Try harder next time.
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:44 am
Uhhh…… where do I pick up a copy of how to disarm a gorilla?
Uhhh…… a friend of mine wants to know. Quickly.
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:44 am
Hmmm… chimps are nasty… and sniper chimps are worse… you’re screwed.
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:39 am
Oh god. Oh god, he’s got two guns now. I’m not prepared for this! What’s the number for that helpline!?
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:35 am
The trick to getting the chimp on your side is to violently attack one of your fellow hostages. Once you’ve brutally wailed on your friend for a minute or two, gesture to the chimp like, “eh? Eh?” And it will promptly drop the gun and start jumping on their bloody body, smashing them in the face and torso with its huge ape-knuckles. Then you grab the gun and start shooting the other hostages. After all, you’re on the chimp’s side now, so prove it.
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:31 am
Yeah, so, I got this chimp here with a gun. But, the problem is, he’s also got like a lion with a sawed off, 3 hyenas with axes, a ferret with a bomb and a boar with a flamethrower.
Suggestions?
(If it helps any, the boar and ferret keep getting distracting with song and dance, something about Hakuma Matata or some other insanity.)
If you help me out of this, I’ll never drink Cocaine spiked Ever Clear again.
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:25 am
Well done Dan O’Brien. Rather that shower you will well-deserved compliments, I’ll simply emulate what you would do to celebrate a well written article: pound a fifth of whiskey and wave my penis at strangers. Thanks Dan! See you in prison!
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:23 am
I already own “The complete idiot’s guide to disarming chimps” and “Chimp disarmament for dummies”. This guide beats them hands down. I’ve also bought other books in DOB’s “So you need to…” series. My personal favorite was ‘So you need to arm a chimpanzee’. They paypal was remarkably easy to use and the 24/7 support line is an added benefit that you don’t get with those other “self help” guides.
By the way… soon, my chimpanzee S.W.A.T. team will be complete!
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:19 am
So funny. You rock DOB.
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:09 am
Wait!
How is the Sniper Chimp my fault?
I know you said placing blame should come later,
BUT THIS ISN’T MY FAULT!!!
I’m going to die.
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:07 am
One question; Is it acceptable for me to attempt to distract the chimp, with a close friend/loved one/acquaintance, as I slip out the back and save my own skin? Or maybe a small child? How about an elderly person?
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:04 am
What about zombie chimps?
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:54 am
Sounds like Otto’s fucked then.
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:48 am
I will disarm the chimpanzee using nothing but my wit and charm
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:13 am
Sounds pretty reasonable to me dude, I like it!
R
http://www.anonymous.ua.tc
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:05 am
Hilarious, this one was a winner
I agree with DamienStryker on the sniper pic, LOL
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:34 am
Thanks for nothing, this would have been a great article if it was printed last week when I DAMN WELL NEEDED IT!!
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:29 am
The sniper chimp help to push this from “heheh” to belly-laugh territory. Another excellent piece, DOB.
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:27 am
But what if he has a rocket launcher? D:
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:23 am
People may laugh, but really it’s only a matter of time until this becomes a frightening reality.
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:21 am
Lol funny stuff
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:17 am
It’s too late for me, if only I’d known..
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:17 am
Out of all the articles to not use the photo of the chimp wielding a handgun it was this one. You dropped the ball!
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:16 am
hahahahahahaha, nice.
October 23rd, 2009 at 4:13 am
Omg’s. That was insanely epic. I feel so prepared right now.