One of the great things about people is that if you put them on TV, they’ll do anything to win. Sometimes they’re not even sure if they’re on a show with prizes, or what the prize is–they will debase themselves and taunt their own god to win. For proof, three different groups of women have competed to let Flavor Flav inside them, and he looks like something that crawls out of bogs to replace our babies with changelings.
To put it another way, if you were on the Price is Right and your Showcase Showdown was Flavor Flav on a dinette set with his dick out, you would pass. And the second contestant would bid one dollar and still go over. Because it’s no longer medically legal to sell that dinette set, and buying dick from Flavor Flav… why, that’s like trying to buy a rain cloud. That’s why on game shows where the prize is a person, TV producers had to come up with a whole new system for winning and losing.
The Rose Ceremony - Why the Current System Doesn’t Work
The Bachelor developed the rose ceremony and, since then, all dating reality shows have used a slight variation on it. It goes like this: You line up the people trying to win you and hand out roses until you’re out of roses. Then the remaining people emotionally break down as it hits them that they’re not even in the top 17 people that Flavor Flav would allow on his furniture-tainting dick.
The problem I have with rose ceremonies is that they’re never appropriate for the contestants. Why give out roses to women who would benefit so much more from protriptyline? How is a rose supposed to undo what their fathers have done?
Then there’s the dull anticlimax of eliminating the leftover girls after you run out of flowers. “I’ll keep you, you, you, oh, I’m out of roses. Looks like all that’s left in this flower basket is fuck you and get the fuck out.” This antiquated system takes so long that during one Flavor of Love elimination, a girl had to relieve herself on the floor. It was like this epiphany hit her–when you lose all dignity, you can just shit where you stand! Or maybe her sphincter saw its one opportunity to express its opinion of the show and took it.
Luckily, using the sorcery of imagination, I’ve gone through several popular shows and suggested some improvements to make the rose ceremonies more appropriate to the contestants.
Rock of Love
Bret Michaels was in the best band of the 80s, and I imagine that was an unfortunate decade for groupie sex. Bret Michaels has gotten so many blowjobs from 80s girls that his belly hair is permanently moussed. If it was 1987 and Bret Michaels came into a bar and said, “Our bus got a flat tire, we need six naked girls for sex,” your girlfriend would start taking off her pants and ask you to set a block for her.
On his show, Rock of Love, it’s pretty clear that fucking his way through the 80s has destroyed the part of the brain that can distinguish between hot and dude-in-a-tube-top. Most of the girls on this show are reasons to stop drinking. And then there are the inane activities they all have to do–I mean, this is a guy who filmed himself getting off with Pamela Anderson, and now he’s making busted strippers with 5 o’clock shadows go-kart against each other to win miniature golf time with him.
New Rose Ceremony: Test Results from the Clinic
When Bret wants to keep a girl, he gives her a backstage pass. Do these girls need another reminder that their future boyfriend has so much anonymous sex that attendees need a badge to get near his junk? I don’t know if Bret is truly attracted to anything that probably has a vagina or if his body needs to be industrially milked every few hours. Either way, I think everyone on the set would feel more comfortable if the girls Bret chose to keep received some kind of medical clearance to be near other people’s eyes and mucous membranes. If you burned the Rock of Love house to the ground, looking at the ashes would give you AIDS.
More to Love
More to Love is the Bachelor, only everyone is obese. Which means it’s the saddest show on TV. They didn’t cast this show for sassy, fun-loving big girls. They cast for tragic insecurity. They found girls who knew going in that no one would ever love them, and they just needed someone to film them crying between snacks. I always wonder when they’re producing a show like this, who stays back to watch over the inner sanctum of Hell?
New Rose Ceremony: Putting Your Mouth on a Pressurized Gravy Cannon
If the nozzle in your mouth blasts gravy down your throat at 200 psi, you are free to stay. If instead your mouth is misted with low-calorie cooking spray, you will be pan-fried and eaten. I’m not saying this to mock these people’s struggle against the doughnut, I’m trying to fatten up the girls and help the guy. Because if a 240-pound woman is sexy, just think how good a 560-pound one will look. Man, you could soak that girl up with toast!
Daisy of Love
After not dying from sex with Bret Michaels on Rock of Love, Daisy was given her own show and the Congressional Medal of Impossible. Her show is exactly the same, only in reverse. On her old show, women emulated Poison groupies to hook up with Bret Michaels; on her new one, men emulate Bret Michaels to hook up with a Poison groupie. Here’s where it gets weird, though: They all seem to prefer the early era of Poison when the guys in the band were hotter chicks than their groupies.
Every episode is a bizarre activity sandwiched between a montage of the guys putting on makeup. Like, actual women’s makeup. Maybe they read on Daisy’s Facebook that she’s impressed when a dude’s lip liner matches the tape he uses to tuck his penis.
New Rose Ceremony: Daisy Gives You Your Penis Back
This concept is very simple, and completely feasible using simple office supplies. As a contestant, you go up to Daisy and ask for your penis back. If she says yes, she takes it out of the cooler and the two of you leave. The remaining contestants then do situps and giggle about how no one makes a truly waterproof mascara.
Shot At Love with Tila Tequila
Tila Tequila is famous for almost showing her tits on Myspace. For a woman, the only thing more ordinary than that is having Bret Michaels’ abortion. Tila tried to angle her cleavage-showing into a singing career, but the world kicked her in the ass so hard with apathy that she still tastes thong every time she hears shitty music.
She’s bisexual, which is what guys call themselves for a few months before they say gay, and what girls call themselves when they can’t interact with people without fingering them. That means that on her show, guys and girls both compete for her attention, all of them covered in tattoos, filled with genetic mutation and desperately clinging to their teen angst. I think they based Shot at Love on a special issue of the X-Men where they teamed up with the Campbell Soup Kids to fight syphilis.
New Rose Ceremony: Tila Hands Over the Ultimate Nullifier
Speaking of Marvel comics, a lot of people don’t know about Tila Tequila’s previous work as Uatu, the Watcher. I just want to know how shitty this dimension must be if they let the Watcher leave his observation post and have his own bisexual dating show on our version of Earth.
My Antonio
Of all the people used as prizes on game shows, Antonio Sabato, Jr. seems the most reasonable. He’s a handsome older gentleman with rippling abs and a successful modeling/acting career. Normal women would be happy to settle down with him. Too bad the casting department used their leftover resumes from Flavor of Love. The show is made up of horny teen sluts half his age, but with combat-veteran vaginas that have witnessed the horrors of war. Their desperate sexual antics make Antonio look like a Mormon grandpa.
Antonio: Let me ask you, can you see yourself building a future with me?
My Antonio Contestant: I can fit a fire hydrant in my mouth! Ew, this wine needs more Sprite in it.
New Rose Ceremony: Gift Certificate to Tower Records?
As it is now, every girl on My Antonio gets a covered dinner plate, and you get to stay on the show if there are flowers inside yours. It’s either insane, or maybe he’s testing them to see if they’re stupid enough to eat flowers. All I’m saying is that if I was a teenage girl trying to date the guy my mom watched on Melrose Place, maybe a card with some money in it would be a more appropriate gift.
Megan Wants a Millionaire
Megan is another girl from Rock of Love who got her own show, only on this one, wealthy douchebags battle for the opportunity to buy her. Try to imagine how bad a millionaire has to be with women that he has to go on TV and humiliate himself for the CHANCE at paying for sex with a six. That’s how awkward these guys are around girls. They couldn’t get laid if their wangs cured yeast infections. I’ve seen Christopher Walken play games of Russian Roulette that were less nerve-wracking than watching these creepy assholes talk to a girl.
And once again, while you wouldn’t hide her from your friends, Megan isn’t exactly disarming. There’s no reason to be so nervous unless they’re all Poison memorabilia collectors desperate to add Bret Michaels’s herpes to their collections.
New Rose Ceremony: Blindfolded in Front of a Firing Squad
There’s only one way to end this show–line all the contestants up, give them a cigarette, and invoice each of their families for the cost of a .30-30 cartridge.
Bidding on a white girl isn’t a TV show concept–that’s a situation that Mad Max would come across just to remind him how fucked up the post-apocalypse is. One contestant built his fortune stripping; another wasn’t even rich–he was just trying to buy Megan with the money he’ll probably have when his dumb, stupid grandpa finally dies. This entire show is so amoral that it had to be pulled off the air after one of the contestants murdered and dismembered a woman who later had to be identified by her breast implants. And what’s crazier than that is that given a choice, he wouldn’t even be the first one you execute.
Megan Wants a Millionaire is a Greatest Hits of man’s inhumanity to man. They probably burned down an Indian reservation to build the set, and during a few scenes you can see the altar of panda bones where Megan has congress with the Beast. I just hope the millionaire that won her knows that her resale value is worse than a Dodge Durango. And that sex with her is like fighting a bag full of poisonous snakes. Seriously, of all the women in the world, why buy the one that lights on fire when medicine touches her skin?
This entry was posted on Thursday, August 27th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Dating, Sex, Television, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 28th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
bleep: No, she has no point; don’t encourage her. Ladies, if you seriously believe that any men have a problem with you enjoying sex, you’ve clearly never met an actual man. Next time you think you’ve encountered one, check for a penis.
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Amber’s a fucktard. Seriously why are you defending the people on this show? If they cared about being judged they wouldn’t parade on television every night for America’s attention.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:33 am
I live each day to the full - is that stupid? ,
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:33 am
View my complete profileMy BlogrollThis is a paragraph of text in the sidebar. ,
October 20th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
Melissa:
You had me at “dress up like Batgirl”… I think I’m in love. Nerdgrrls for the win!
October 19th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Another great article, Seanbaby. I couldn’t stop laughing through-out the whole thing. I really enjoyed your description of Flavor Flav, anytime someone uses folklore to describe something is always awesome for me.
But, man, you got those reality shows pegged. Antonio is too normal for reality tv, though I guess the tv execs did even the playing field by adding the craziest women in the world to his choices.
October 3rd, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Тематика подобрана неплохо. контент тоже подходящий и читабельный. Будем пользоваться.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
You are fucking nuts… and I love you for it.
September 19th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
I thought that was fantastic, Seanbaby!
I hate reality shows, but I can get the humor. And did someone really poop on the floor? Odd.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
6 Ways to Improve Reality Dating Shows (With Cruelty) | Cracked.com…
Excellent ideas. Let’s implement them immediately….
September 18th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Amy- You think “there are enough feminists as is”? The definition of a feminist is someone who believes that women have equal worth to men and should not be treated differently. It doesn’t mean we’re all manhating dickeaters without a sense of humor. I found your comment a thousand times more offensive to women than this article.
September 18th, 2009 at 1:58 am
You ever get the feeling like there’s something really, really wrong with the guys and girls who subject themselves to more than one reality TV show appearance as a contestant? I mean, I could see maybe agreeing to be the prize on a show after you’ve been a contestant, but pulling a “12-pack” and going out for a every TV show that will have you is really pathetic. There’s no way to hide the fact that he’s put his life on hold to chase fame in the least dignified manner possible, but he has no marketable skills or traits and will forever chase the dragon.
September 14th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Amber,you arent the boss of this article so please go F_ck yourself.If you cant figure out that cracked.com is a HUMOR site and as such it just may contain possibly offensive content-then go back to glittery lol cats you insufferable moron.
September 13th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
its kinda sad watching people humuliate themselves on reality shows for “exposure” and cash. what has american media come to?
September 13th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I think Amber has a point. The author seems pretty disgusted by women who actually like sex.
That said, I do hate them, but mostly because they’re fabulously wealthy with minimal effort and no talent (it’s pretty unfair). Their horniness has nothing to do with it.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:50 am
If I was a millionaire, I wouldn’t fuck that skank Megan with my worst enemy’s dick while wearing 3 condoms. I’d rather fuck my garbage disposal.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Amber - also being a lady, I didn’t find this the least bit offensive. Get those grains of sand out from down there, because there are enough feminists as is.
September 9th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
double yawn
September 5th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Gee, Amber. A lot of girls I met were either disease ridden, whorish, or both. Of course, the ones who werent probably wouldnt be with me. (Although I never tried…) The point is, a lot of girls act like theyre so innocent but it couldnt be so far from the truth. Besides, seanababy is fuckin around. (But the girls on these shows do make ME sick.) If you actually take this shit seriously, well, youre a fuckin tard.
September 3rd, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Seriously, Amber, you have clearly never watched these women in action. They had to create a whole new series of shows just to attempt to turn the aforementioned disease-ridden whores into people I wouldn’t try to set on fire if I saw them on the street. They’re like Paris Hilton, with less money and - somehow, unbelievably - lower standards.
September 3rd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
To amber-Well, he wasn’t talking about women, he was talking about a bunch of washed up strippers competing on television for some rich guys dick by demening themselves in front of millions of people. I quite agree with his point.
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:36 pm
lmao! Someone hasn’t seen the women remains from those shows XD
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:48 am
Don’t think I will. Bob Saget isn’t a funny guy, either.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:03 pm
amber get over yourself
September 1st, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Some of this made me laugh, but your obvious sexism ruined the entire thing. Almost every reference to a woman was about her being some kind of disease-ridden whore (who would ditch their boyfriend to have sex with some old horny rockstar). Try showing women a tad more respect, will you?
September 1st, 2009 at 9:50 am
Sean:
Excellent…love your writing. Let ‘em have it, buddy! LOL
September 1st, 2009 at 6:44 am
Mortal Kombat Chanpion - I think you have the makings of a hit show !
September 1st, 2009 at 6:38 am
lmao! I can’t stand reality shows. It’s better to LIVE
your own life then to waste your time watching someonelse’s -especially when they become mean and desperate. These folks may be on tv for a while, but there is always a tomorrow. For years - someone, somewhere, will remember how they debased themselves on national tv - and laugh! It’s just sad.
August 31st, 2009 at 10:16 pm
…”And that sex with her is like fighting a bag full of poisonous snakes.” oh my god. rofl
August 30th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Pooping in front of cameras and exploiting lonely, obese people…
When are they going to take this boring crap off the air?? here’s one–
A reality show for people with STD’s to meet & mate? There can be graphic pictures, tears, and a general lack of sympathy for any actual person as they are judged and filmed for the simple morbid curiosity of people who are tired of watching “the fat people show”.
Or meth addicts. explosions on so many different levels.
August 30th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Oh my gosh! i looked up that thing about that guy murdering his wife and it’s true, it also says that he got SECOND PLACE ON THE SHOW!
scary.
August 29th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Yes, maybe you are an asshole sheanbaby, but I love you that way
August 29th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Well, I like it better when Seanbaby is an asshole. And also when his analogies are more convoluted. I long for an analogy labyrinth, wherein lurks the “Strained Comparison” Minotaur, confusing the shit out of any who dare to traverse the…
Fuck it. More MMA and Kung Fu movie articles, plz.
August 29th, 2009 at 1:51 am
Good stuff Seanbaby
Frankly I cant stand any of the reality bullshit thats on TV O.o Cant even stomach it lol.
Lol @ Dreese, Megan wasnt murdered. A contestant on her show (Ryan Jenkins) was prime suspect in the murdering of his wife, Jasmine Fiore, and he ended up hanging himself days later. Nothing happened to her though
So no, his “complaints” are quite legit 
August 28th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Tila Tequila literally makes me ill.
Her head looks like an ant, and she seems like she’s carrying diseases yet unknown to man-kind.
August 28th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Oops, Jasmine Fiore. I luv being a retard. Where’s my helmet?
August 28th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Seanbaby, you know that Megan herself from Megan Wants A Millionaire was brutally murdered a few weeks ago don’t you ? It was all over the news. I’m just sayin’…. you’re now complaining about a ghost.
August 28th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Meow: It’s sad, weepy, and gets all over everyone.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Buying Flavour Flav’s dick is like buying a raincloud?
What?
August 28th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I like it when Seanbaby avoids the macho-posturing bullshit, and this article had no references either to Seanbaby’s love of watching mixed martial arts (only assholes watch mixed martial arts) or to his supposed prowess at everything (asshole). So I really liked this article. Also, it was extremely funny.
Still, though, funny or not…I bet Seanbaby is an asshole in real life.
August 28th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Are you sexy people? ___***B l a c k W h i t e L o v i n g-c O m*** __ where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just GO and hook up the sexy singles now!
August 28th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
YES, SEANBABY!!! As a rookie, your career didn’t look promising, but with Bucholz never being good, Brockway, Swaim and DOB declining, and your recent articles’ surprising quality, you are now definitely Cracked’s best columnist.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Mad props. Dating shows should just be straight up outlawed.
Add some more links next time seanbaby!
August 28th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I think you guys are giving him too much crap.
I found the article hilarious, though having two reality show-obsessed cousins and having to sit through this crap every time i visit them might help me relate.
I cracked up numerous times, perhaps try a broader subject.
Btw, If I was in a room with that Megan girl and the anti-christ and had a gun with 1 bullet, I’d shoot myself since i’m sure a bullet wouldn’t stop either of them.
August 28th, 2009 at 10:11 am
…best band of the 80s??? Best at what? Ruining the integrety of Rock music… I couldn’t enjoy the rest of the article with bile in my throat.
I will, however, call my ex “razorburn” from now on so, thanks for that.
August 28th, 2009 at 7:25 am
[...] Reality television sucked UNTIL NOW. [...]
August 28th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Pfft. Mitch Benn already wrote “Celebrity Death Island”. This particular barrel is now empty.
August 28th, 2009 at 4:29 am
Keep it up my friend.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:57 am
“Amazing” is the only word.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:36 am
I’m really not trying to be a dick or anything, but I just don’t know how Seanbaby became a columnist for cracked. All I’ve really been trying to like this guy but I have yet to laugh at a single one of his articles. Dude, you’ve got great ideas and, yeah, i’m just one of the vague annoying grey blobs most people associate with commenters but I’m just trying to say…you ramble on about nothing and the only jokes you know are in simile form. Knock it off it’s tired man.
P.S The Tony Jaa article is a huge exception, that was pretty damn funny.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Goddamnit, sean baby sucks ass. Not a single sentence in this whole article made me so much as giggle.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Not only was this awesome but it made me realize something. You should make a reality dating show. In my opinion it should go something like this. (Please remember this is just a brainstorm)
“Love on the road”
It’ll include: old, obese, shemale groupies in bikinis, fighting for the love of an old disease ridden Posion roadie from the 80’s.
Place:Bret Micheals tour bus
The rose Ceremony: The people chosen get to lick Bret Micheals toilet and also get small tube of dollar store antibiotics. The ones that get kicked off get sprayed with lysol til they pass out.
The twist: The roadie will actually be Bret Micheals.
The second twist: One of the groupies will actually be Flavor Flav.
This show will make millions on VH1
August 27th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
Hot girls, love them, Just know a great cel eb site http://Tallconnect.com where you can me et many big beautiful wo man and hand some guys.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
This is quite possibly the finest sentence ever written: ” If you burned the Rock of Love house to the ground, looking at the ashes would give you AIDS.”
Thank you, Sean Baby. Thank you ever so much.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
And how did you let Donald Trump off the hook? His daughter came out in one episode saying that others were “lacksadaisical”… and nobody even edited that out! Brainless, soulless, scum. Poor production values, has-beens all, no writing or editing going on. Pap. Pure Pap.
People have actually emulated that show as a primer of management. I say the emperor has no clothes!!
There. Much better now.
OK. Here is a reality show. Get 20 hot bikinis and tell them that the ones that can get the highest scores on Yahoo Answers in one week get a date with Leif Garrett or Sean Cassidy. The losers have to go on a date with someone they gave advice to. Audience picks. Hilarity ensues. Wait, did I say Sean Cassidy? I meant John Elway.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
S.Baby, stick to reality show commentary, it’s what you do best.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
@Vagabond
Really?! Never wouldda guessed. Unless of course I read the article. Specifically:
“This entire show is so amoral that it had to be pulled off the air after one of the contestants murdered and dismembered a woman who later had to be identified by her breast implants. ”
Yeah I think seanbaby knows.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Splendid Splendid.
I hate all of these shows. They depress me and make we want to turn away….
But why has nobody done a parody of one of them? Because they are all parodies of something else…? Reality maybe?
Seanbaby, you rock, but make a list of … hey, why not 50… reality shows we WANT to see? I know that is not your style of humor maybe, but come on… then pitch us your best 10.
Because the real sadness of these shows is that they are so lame that nobody cares unless there is a spectacle. Why not have one where the main premise grabs us? Shall I start the bidding at Death Race 2000?
August 27th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
I felt my lymph nodes inflame after one episode of Rock of Love. VH1 needs to stop producing these shows before the dark energy comes full circle and the dead cross through our TV sets. They need more one hit wonder shows, hell make a two hit wonder show! At least Cracked and The Soup remind me that there are survivors out there, leading the resistance.
August 27th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
If I’m recalling correctly, only three episodes were aired. . .and yeah, he probably was the one who should have been shot first.
August 27th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Hey seanbaby,
“Megan Wants a Millionaire” was cancelled from VH1 after one of the male contestants killed and partially dismembered his wife, fled to his native Canada, and killed himself in a motel room to avoid prosecution when her body was found. You only wish I was making this shit up: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/27/slain-models-missing-car-_n_270179.html
VS
August 27th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
[...] 6 Ways to Improve Reality Dating Shows (With Cruelty) Found 13 hours, 25 minutes ago digg_url = ‘http://www.cracked.com/blog/six-ways-to-fix-reality-dating-shows/’; digg_title = ‘6 Ways to Improve Reality Dating Shows (With Cruelty)’; digg_media = ‘news’; digg_topic = ‘television’; One of the great things about people is that if you put them on TV, they’ll do anything to win. Sometimes they’re not even sure if they’re on a show with prizes, or what the prize is– [...] From: http://www.cracked.com [...]
August 27th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Oh and I almost forgot:
Great piece seanbaby!
August 27th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
@bribios:
Seanbaby was probably my primary reason for getting EGM month after month…
August 27th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
This is for you Zach: I completely disagree!!
Idiots should never be removed!
The consequences could be devastating!
Imagine a world where our kids would just sit around, being bored, because there would be no pinheads to convince that mud tastes like cookies!
A world where you would have a smart boss, genius co-workers and capable politicians would be unbearable! I mean … Who would you take it out on? Who would you blame for all your problems? And most of all - Who would be there to make you feel superior?
So … NO! The idiots stay!!
August 27th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Haha wow, i found this to be hilarious.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
wow, that was lame…
it’s a wonder Gladstone gets all the hate
August 27th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
that was good - Brendan found the best line
August 27th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
“Bret Michaels was in the best band of the 80’s”
No, just….. no. Jokes like that should never be made.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
“They couldn’t get laid if their wangs cured yeast infections.”
You’re my comedy hero, sir.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I thought I was the only one that thought Flav looked like a monster.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
@ bribios
There’s a lot of horrible faggots on the internet.
Hope that clears things up for you.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Holy shit, she DOES look like The Watcher in a wig!
August 27th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I definitely liked the references to Deer Hunter and Mad Max at the end. Good stuff.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Bret Michaels has gotten so many blowjobs from 80s girls that his belly hair is permanently moussed. Classic!
August 27th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Bret Michaels has gotten so many blowjobs from 80s girls that his belly hair is permanently moussed.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Sooo, teenage super-skanks like their wine cut with Sprite (excellent!). Thanx 4 the tip, and the laffs — a beauty !
August 27th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
@ bribios
He just doesn’t seem to have as much imagination as the other columnists most of the time. His articles are long, but hard to follow, he picks easy targets, and basically tells a bunch of cliche “man jokes” that get staler each time.
Also, he legitimately said Poison was the best band in the 80s…
Poison is and always was shit. If they had ever had any thing remotely resembling talent, their lead singer would be doing things other than spreading venereal disease on television.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
@Courtney
First off, fuck you! With that out of the way an explanation…
America, like all countries, has a certain percentage of smart people and a certain percentage of fucking morons. The difference is that even the most moronic and poor American has the free time to find out whats “popular” (Tila Tequila) and lump onto that bandwagon. The media then realizes that 5% of people are now interested in Dumbass Show A reports things about it as “big news.” The rest of America, the vast majority who believe it or not are quite intelligent, looks on with bewildered disgust.
So no, America does not need to be removed from the gene pool. Idiots need to be removed from the gene pool of all countries before we get to live out a real life version of Idiocracy.
August 27th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Suck it, you cunt! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=29&sku=E-CD00250
If YOU can write a better article. Write-up and put-up…. or shut your cocksucker!
Closet critics make me want to fuck your slutty, whoring mother AGAIN in the ass (sans condom)!
Prissy-ass fucker!
August 27th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Seriously why is there always so much hate for Seanbaby?
Is it some inside joke I’m unaware of? Some of the other Cracked writers just giving him crap? He’s not my favorite author but he’s by no means as horrible as some of the commentors make him out to be.
I don’t see anything wrong with the article. It made me laugh out loud a couple times, which is really all I ask for anyway.
Is it that some of you are paying a subscription fee to view the site that I, for some reason, am exempt from? That’s the only justification I can see for getting angry. Sure, it cost you some time, but then if you are the type to leave comments on a site like Cracked.com, your time probably isn’t worth much anyway. I realize that I just indirectly admitted to having by time be worth nothing or close to, but oh well, at least I’m honest.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Fuck you, Courtney and Phick, I don’t watch this shit. No one I know watches this shit. America is awesome, you pair of pussies. GTFO.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
@Penny - Um, you DID notice he mentions that in this article? So, no, not bad timing…he’s perfectly aware. Plus, it’s not even the point of the article. The show was still a classic awkward reality mess before any of that happened…and each of the people involved were exceptional wrecks. THAT’s the point. I actually think Seanbaby got his humorous point across in a manner quite respectful of the unfortunate events that unfolded.
So, relax.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Don’t forget: breast implants come with serial #, social security ID, and home telephone contact!
August 27th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
“They found girls who knew going in that no one would ever love them, and they just needed someone to film them crying between snacks”
I can’t stop giggling over this…
August 27th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I couldn’t even begin to imagine how I’d act as a competitor on one of these shows…. actually, I’d probably run away before they started filming.
However, I do have an idea of what I would do as the “bachelorette.” I’d dress up like Batgirl and have all my bachelors dress up as different Batman villains (or Justice League members…. I think JSA might be a little too obscure for TV), and then I’d take them to the next San Diego Comic Con.
Oooh and have a big movie marathon with all of the Jaws and Die Hards (and maybe the American Ninja series as well… my guilty pleasure) we could do a MST3K type of thing…. It wouldn’t be a good way of picking out a husband, but boy, it would sure be fun.
I can’t really understand the Megan wants a Millionaire show. I mean she’s clearly only in it for the money. Doesn’t sound like a good start for any relationship.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Megan Wants a Millionaire really isn’t funny on this list given one of the contestants shoved his dead wife fingerless and toothless into a suitcase and then hung himself in a motel closet while on the run in Canada this past week. It’s just exceptionally bad timing.
August 27th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
You’re the best! Great article!
August 27th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
yip…funny article
cant say I got all the jokes - like lots of not mentally challenged people, I dont watch reality tv.
Are these REAL shows?
Thats fucked up!
America - we need to remove you from the gene pool.
August 27th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
To bad Ryan Jenkins hung himself..We could have hired him as a hitman for lame ass “Celebs”
August 27th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Why do they still let this half-abortion write, let alone live?
August 27th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
This article is so hilarious that I hope VH1 makes a new show, Flavor of Seanbaby, and that I can be a contestant.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
@ That Guy
Yeah, your articles are way better. Cumstain.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
This is seriously the worst-written cracked.com article I’ve ever read. It is the first I’ve ever commented on because my rage at this butchery of coherence is such that I will take time out of my day just to anonymously rage. Please never let this guy write for your otherwise hilarious website again.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
huh , ok i guesse , seen better http://bit.ly/4jPWz
August 27th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Wow, seanbaby took a shot at reality TV on Cracked. That’s NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE EVER. I’m so glad you started writing for Cracked, seanbaby, because I never realized until now that reality TV isn’t worth watching.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:55 am
“Because if a 240-pound woman is sexy, just think how good a 560-pound one will look. Man, you could soak that girl up with toast!”
HA!
Fanfuckintasticsupercalifasjfdhsjfhsdajfhasjdfhsladfajklsdfnaslkjfn
August 27th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Thank you seanbaby for reminding me why I don’t watch TV anymore
August 27th, 2009 at 11:26 am
and johnny, everyone watches this shit. america is stupid like that
August 27th, 2009 at 11:25 am
No Baltimore Flava Flav isn’t mentally handicapped he is a revolutionary who has been brainwashed and used by the White Ruling class and probably the Zionist conspiracy to prevent other Black Revolutionaries from gaining to much traction, just ask Agent 13013. That’s right Flava Flav isn’t a braindead AIDS monster, he’s a brainwashed propaganda tool, you heard it here first
August 27th, 2009 at 11:24 am
here;s more info on the Jenkins guy
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/27/slain-models-missing-car-_n_270179.html
evidently they found his car and there’s a new suspect or something
August 27th, 2009 at 11:23 am
The Fatchelor really is a show for sadists. Who wants to watch all that sobbing.
August 27th, 2009 at 11:08 am
@space jam: no there really is a michaels/anderson tape!!
August 27th, 2009 at 10:53 am
My new name for Brett Micheals is The Beast. Good stuff babyshawn
August 27th, 2009 at 10:42 am
sean, I’m very impressed with your ability to spin humor — dare I say respectful humor? — out of the reality-show-contestant-turned-model-killer thing… well done.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Watching the Earth slowly destroy itself must be a pretty boring job. That’s why Tila I mean, Uatu decided to get a shitty tv-show, maybe he tries to understands why we humans are worse than cockroaches.
Or maybe he (she?) has no fucking dignity.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:38 am
I think you mean Tommy Lee - Bret Michael’s sex tape was with Janine Lindemuller.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I like this. I also like Hell’s Kitchen. Both are very entertaining so good job, Seanbaby.
August 27th, 2009 at 10:35 am
“Bret Michaels was in the best band of the 80s”
NO. Just fucking NO. There are tons of 80’s bands who take shits that sound better than Poison (although i will admit CC Deville is a good guitarist.}
August 27th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Awesome. I laughed like a retard on weapons-grade acid in a room full of kaleidoscopes..
August 27th, 2009 at 10:27 am
I was actually briefly the neighbor of Antonio Sabato when I lived in Thousand Oaks, and let me assure you, he is in no way a desirable prize. When he isn’t riding this annoying goddamn Batman motorcycle all over the place, he’s letting his dogs shatter the eardrums of all within the nearest mile and a half. Oh, and he lets his 8-year-old kid wear this friggin’ bleached mohawk thing, I don’t know what’s up with that.
(And no, this isn’t some OMG I TOTALLY KNEW TIS CELEBRITY LOL post. Especially since Antonio Sabato is by no stretch of the goddamn imagination a celebrity.)
August 27th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Im glad that i don’t watch reality tv..
August 27th, 2009 at 9:58 am
All reality shows need to die. Yes, even the “well, I really like this one” that is So You Think You Can Dance, Beauty and the Geek, shit like that.
Trust me, even if you “enjoy” those shows, your brain will thank you for getting them canceled JUST AS MUCH as if you were watching one of the shows in this article and it got canceled.
TV these days….. absolutely horrendous.
August 27th, 2009 at 9:40 am
all the reality shows are retarded anyways
August 27th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Of Reality Shows, Neil Fifer http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ of (soon) Captain America fame was asked (on TMZ) if he’d ever do one and his reply was: ‘I’d rather be injected by a rusty syringe full of air used by a gay Haitian man than ever do a reality show!’
This guy ROCS!
And I’d have to agree…
LOL!
August 27th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Now that Megan Hauserman has probably had sex with a murderer, I feel that VH1 should probably go off the air.
August 27th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Favorite seanbaby post to date.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:50 am
“More to Love is the Bachelor, only everyone is obese. Which means it’s the saddest show on TV.”
Oh, I felt so bad about laughing at this, but I did…
for like 5 minutes.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:47 am
also who is tila tequila?
August 27th, 2009 at 8:46 am
I dunno if I’m right, but surely these aren’t big deals? Like, do a lot of people watch them? We have a few like this in the UK but no one gives a shit (they’re all on weird channels at weird times).
Gotta confess though, Beauty and the Geek = genius. Only seen the UK version, assume it’s the same
August 27th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Going w/out cable/DTV for years, then suddenly having it return cuts both ways…it’s like awaking from a coma to discover CurrentTV, clever shit on Discovery, History, etc., then…
Fucking VH1…wtf happened America? I mean, we knew to give up on MTV mid/late 90’s, but my God…lowest common denominator and misplaced priorities had an abomination child that routinely gets talked about around water coolers daily while a 2-front war, political scandals, and economic strife are merely footnotes…
August 27th, 2009 at 8:43 am
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robin-sax/did-megan-want-a-killer-m_b_270100.html
It was big news up here in Vancouver, I am surprised you didn’t use this in the cruelty section…seeing as Megan was Murdered and mutilated….
maybe its too soon…
S
August 27th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Provide links in the story (to the shows, to news articles about the butchered woman…) - the writing is absolutely hysterical!
August 27th, 2009 at 8:35 am
I have heard of almost all of these, and they all depress me.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:34 am
All of these shows make my fucking blood boil, thank you for ripping them to shreds.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:32 am
If you had included ‘The Cougar’ or whatever that show’s called this would have been a flawless victory.
August 27th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Good God, that was disturbing. I didn’t know just how pathetically and horrifically awful those shows were! Is Megan from Beauty and the Geek? She looks so familiar. Absolutely tragic shows.
August 27th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Probably the best Seanbaby article on cracked after that Obama comic one.
August 27th, 2009 at 7:29 am
The guy who dismembered that model was just found dead in Hope, BC. Apparently he hung himself. Not sure if it was the whole murder thing or the appearance on the show that pushed him over the edge.
August 27th, 2009 at 7:09 am
I, quite thankfuly, have not seen nor heard of any of these programs.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Great News~!!!!!!
I found a great site “”"”"T a l l l o v i n gDoTc O m “”"”"” It ’s where you have the opportunity dreaming about dating a sexy beauties and even hot celebs and make it true!
August 27th, 2009 at 6:56 am
I love you, seanbaby
August 27th, 2009 at 6:54 am
Megan wants a Millionaire has been pulled from the air due to the involvement of the Canadian Real Estate Agent who married a girl in Vegas, killed her, fled and committed suicide.
You are only too correct on how messed up those rich boys are…
Sad state of affairs, indeed.
Great article, though.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:53 am
Flavor Flav is mentally retarded, right? Right?
August 27th, 2009 at 6:51 am
“I think they based Shot at Love on a special issue of the X-Men where they teamed up with the Campbell Soup Kids to fight syphilis.”
This.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:32 am
seanbaby, if I’ve ever said anything bad about you or your articles I take it back, this one had my actually laughing out loud as I was reading it on the metro this morning. Can I contact you in a few years to write my wedding vows?
August 27th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Very funny, Seanbaby. However, methinks that during the hours of prime time television you might wanna strap on your balls and tell your girlfriend that you will NOT watch anymore reality dating shows, no matter how many blow jobs she lets her sisters friends give you.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Back in 2005, Chuck D lectured at my school as part of our Black History Month festivities. Someone asked him if he thought that Flav was being exploited, and he didn’t think it had really gotten to that point yet. This was after “Surreal Life” and whatever that show with Brigitte Nielsen was, but shortly before Season 1 of “Flavor of Love”. I’d like to hear him speak on the subject NOW.
When I got to ask Chuck a question, I decided to ask him what he thought of my school’s decision to end Black History Month with a special screening of “Soul Plane”. He said something like “I guarantee that the person that made that decision is not in this room tonight”.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:14 am
A shot at love with Tila Tequila should have been called A shot of love, then a shot of penicillin. That girl is just GREASY. Blah..
August 27th, 2009 at 6:12 am
I’ve always had a theory behind the existence of Flavor of Love:
Flavor Flav was a member of Public Enemy. For the kids out there not familiar with old-school hip-hop, know that P.E.’s music was considered more dangerous than anything that West Coast “gangstas” or “durrty Souf pimps” could ever come out with. P.E. was revolutionary, their music was considered a threat to the system because it promoted a strong Afro-centric point of view. I think society actually felt threatened by the messages in their songs, like “Fight the Power,” “Burn Hollywood Burn,” “By the Time I gat to Arizona” (which dealt with Arizona’s then-refusal to observe MLK’s birthday as a holiday), “Welcome to the Terrordome,” and just about anything else they did.
And for all the controversy they inspired, their music SOLD!! “Fear of a Black Planet,” their third album, from 1990, was the first hip-hop album to go platinum IN ONE WEEK!
I had always felt that Flavor Flav’s role in Public Enemy was to keep a sense of levity in what could otherwise be considered a heavy-handed message in their music.
I believe that hey decided to make Flavor into a reality-show clown so, in the event that P.E. ever decides to get back into the studio, no one will ever take their music or their message seriously again.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:12 am
She’s bisexual, which is what guys call themselves for a few months before they say gay, and what girls call themselves when they can’t interact with people without fingering them.
Thats brilliant :’)
August 27th, 2009 at 6:08 am
In Columbus the sports radio guys call the guy in More To Love Fat Rick Nash. And they are right. That guy looks like a fat Rick Nash.
August 27th, 2009 at 6:03 am
Funny article. Tragic reality.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:51 am
They should have given Ryan Jenkins his own reality show, and the rose ceremony could be that he doesn’t murder you and shove you into a suitcase.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:43 am
I’m always suprised a black hole doesn’t form in the more to love mansion whenever they hug at the end of the episode
August 27th, 2009 at 5:41 am
Flavour of Love is painful. This guy was in Public fucking Enemy for fucks sake!
August 27th, 2009 at 5:24 am
I’ve seen Cristopher Walken play games of Russian Roulette that were less nerve-wracking than watching these creepy assholes talk to a girl.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:56 am
“There’s no reason to be so nervous unless all they’re all Poison memorabilia collectors desperate to add Bret Michaels’ herpes to their collections.”
I haven’t laughed this hard at anything on Cracked since Monday.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:54 am
I feel some what better not knowing what any of these shows are. Cutting cable and just downloading what I want to watch was the best thing I ever did.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:43 am
My friend recommended me a very interesting place _____Meet Wealthy com_____*** It’s where wealthy singles looking for someone to enjoy their wealthy lifestyle with.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:26 am
Tell the truth Kali. You just wanted to be first didn’t you?
Great article Seanbaby. My curiosity has made it tempting to watch one of these shows but it hasn’t yet overcome the that the hand of darkness might reach through my screen and give me gonorrhea.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:26 am
Wasn’t that whacked out killer the one that appeared on Megan Wants a Millionaire?
August 27th, 2009 at 4:26 am
Although with Megan Wants A Millionaire, it currently seems the elimination technique is see which of the contestants aren’t on the run from the cops, or have hung themselves. Channel V REALLY needs to work on their background checks.
Next on Channel V: America’s Next Top Illegal Immigrant!
August 27th, 2009 at 4:25 am
this is the first article that you’ve written that I didnt actually hate.
August 27th, 2009 at 4:20 am
Haha this was gold!!
August 27th, 2009 at 4:04 am
Oh no I was beaten :O
August 27th, 2009 at 4:03 am
First! Nice article, love your stuff
August 27th, 2009 at 4:02 am
I haven’t even read it yet, and I love it already. The title is enough.