The morale of our American troops is at an all-time low. For years, we’ve been involved in two wars; one in a country that no one has conquered since war was invented, and one in a country where no one has gotten along since people were invented. And the troops know they’re stuck there. Their Commander-in-Chief moves slower than two Twilight vampires in a singles chat room. If Obama started stopping a war tomorrow, he might manage to pull the troops out before they’re replaced with the steam-men our feral grandchildren will build.
I don’t know about you, but if I was fighting in a shitty war, I sure would feel better if someone put together the Craked.com in Association with Captain Freedom and Presented by Me For-The-Troops YouTube Classic Theater. Wait a minute: holy shit:
You can learn a lot from YouTube. For example, I learned that when our God was giving the Iraqi people hand-eye-coordination, he took inspiration from three cats tied to a vacuum cleaner.
I’ve never meant this more: “Nice jumping jacks, assholes!” So now that you and the troops have had a nice laugh at the expense of others, let’s move on to change absolutely nothing. Below is more laughter at the expense of others. We’re Americans, not some kind of changey homunists. If we change anything, it’s going to be the gravy in the center of our hot dogs and the medical duration of our erections. Put that in your turban and smoke it, Iraq. While you’ve been over there getting occupied and learning how to move your arms and legs at the same time, we’ve been hard this whole time.
Name: Flap Birdo, International Superstar of Failure
Real Name: Furthest Guy on the Right
Technique: Flap knows that this “jumping jack” the American troops speak of has something to do with jumping. His brain relays this message to his limbs, and each of them violently interprets it differently. If I was an anthropologist, I’d say he was panicking and that this was an ancient biological defense to dismember yourself and explode your body on your enemy as a final revenge. But since I’m not an anthropologist, I’ll say that this guy is so uncoordinated that he can’t piss his pants without a funnel.
Name: Clappy “The Seal” Ahmdghudj
Real Name: Second Guy from the Right
Technique: “The Seal” saw that clapping was involved in this exercise. But he didn’t have a word for it. In a country whose leading cultural export is mustard gas and lamb sex, there’s not a lot of opportunities for clapping. If someone died every time an Iraqi person applauded, it would kill fewer people than vitamins. “The Seal” is really making up for lost time, though. He’s clapping in front of his chest, over his head… where has this clapping been his whole life!? It’s like someone taught a monkey where its genitals were, but without all the elegance.
Name: Princess Ballet
Real Name: The Third One from the Right
Technique: Forming a circle with his arms and clumsily plie’ing, Princess Ballet creates a beautiful song about his body’s inability to do the simplest of tasks. This is so far from a jumping jack that if you told me this was a robot trying to make ice cream inside itself, I’d thank you for making sense of it. And then we’d kill it together, as ice cream-filled friends. Wait, now that I think about it, all these guys look like malfunctioning robots. Are they working out on an Iraqi Showtime Pizza burial ground?
Name: Rocket Virginbuster
Real Name: That is his real name.
Technique: When a white guy does a jumping jack, he’s all, “I’m effectively doing a jumping jack.” When an Iraqi does a jumping jack, he’s like, “I’m an idiot, motherfucker!”
Name: Chuck Chasewagon
Real Name: Parts Unknown
Technique: Whenever an Iraqi is asked to perform a physical action, they respond with a flipper-handed seizure. And under Iraqi law–or as we know it “Thunderdome”–it’s legal for every household to own an assault rifle. Those two things don’t go together. They have to have 50 goats in the house just to soak up all the accidental bullets. Growing up in Iraq is like growing up as a stop sign in Arkansas. When the Iraqi family gets together for dinner, they don’t talk about how your day was. They talk about which one of those bullet wounds is fresh, because we just had these carpets painted! You’re the reason we can’t have nice things, like this VCD copy of Hǎtch, the Turkish remake of Hitch featuring Miami Vice and Han Solo.
Name: Tap Razzmatazz
Real Name: Sixth Fellow from the Right
Technique: Remember that episode of the Cosby Show where Bill Cosby is challenged to tapdance? Well, that previous sentence is exactly what “jumping jack” translates to in Arabic.
Name: Swandive
Real Name: Saul Swandivenstein
Technique: While every other Iraqi guy is throwing themselves into the air like retarded human popcorn, Swandive carefully puts his hands together and slides them straight up. It’s just as wrong, but with less effort. This guy sucks so hard at jumping jacks that when he’s done with his workout, he has an egg, three gallons of milk and semen in his stomach.
Name: Impossible Achmed
Real Name: Eighth from the Right
Technique: This Iraqi was doing nearly perfect jumping jacks, which any scientist will tell you must be a hallucination. It’s so impossible that when most people watch it, a portal opens next to them and a future version of themselves screams, “I’m too late!” Let’s look at the facts: Being Iraqi and doing a jumping jack is like being American and transforming into a dinosaur boat. The fact that he can do this does nothing less than prove genies. We now know that magical men live in lamps and can grant wishes. And if anyone ever manages to produce a more reasonable theory, don’t trust that guy. He clearly has a fucking genie.
Name: Scimitar Napmaster
Real Name: Ninth from the Right
Technique: When Napmaster realizes that he’s doing something wrong, he gently keeps his feet planted and makes rings with his arms. I’ve gotten better workouts waving goodbye to the pizza delivery man. If this is the Iraqi idea of physical fitness, is it any wonder that these guys’ heads pop off when you hang them? Slam! Oh my god, if Saddam still had a head, that burn would have backdrafted his whole face off!
Note: Much like the people who start these wars, you never know how much you should believe YouTube. We’ll let historians work out whether or not this too-insane-to-be-real video is actually too insane to be real. Because even if the world was tricked by an elaborate jumping jack hoax, the people who managed to convince a platoon of soldiers to line up and do jumping jacks wrong still deserve the Silver Star of Morale Soaring Hilarity. If anyone has any proof that this video was created by professional military jumping jack impersonators, here’s what you do: keep it to yourself and hold this can of peanuts. The last thing our troops need right now is to find out the Internet was lying from some butthole holding a can of snakes. That’s right, you’re not as hard to trick as you thought, butthole.
This entry was posted on Thursday, November 5th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Iraq. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 20th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Hysterical, reminds me of the German propaganda films poking fun at the ugly Jews. Watching some plainly terrified guys freaked out by the Green Machine and trying to guess at what they need to do not to be beaten just makes me piss myself with laughter. Hey, propaganda that makes us laugh Seanbaby… thats what we need.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
The video was funny, but the article wasn’t.
It’s like having a little kid explain play-by-play why a joke was funny, except he tries to pass off his explanation as funny as well.
Don’t worry, Seanbaby. You’ll get this “comedy” thing down eventually. Even Uwe Boll managed to do a film that didn’t leave the viewer feeling like they just watched Roseanne Barr and Rosie O’Donnel scissor, so it’s possible you might eventually do a Cracked article that doesn’t feel more like it belongs in MAD.
November 19th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Watching the vid was funny enough, quite funny actually, but I couldnt bring myself to sit through the play-by-play analysis of each fuck up in sequence.
November 18th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
What’s with all the “We should be there” and “we shouldn’t be there” shit. This is ain’t a political article, it’s about laughing at some funny ass shit.
November 17th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Seanbaby=Consistently Awesome.
Too many of you overly PC liberals who feel the need to rant/cry/criticize in the comments need to pull the comedy cork out of your ass and remember that this is a humor site. Save that crap for the Huffington Post.
November 15th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
sorry to interrupt.. but I just saved 15% on car insurance by switching to Geico!
November 12th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
was that…. was that big foot? i do believe that was big foot randomly inserted in there. whoa. cool.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Awesome article. Funny as usual.
That said, HiroAntagonist, you’re a fucking moron. If Russia invaded the United States based on faulty “intelligence” and pulled that bullshit “well, everyone has done dumb shit in the past, so fuck it” excuse, you wouldn’t be laughing.
Its not being a hippie, its being a realist.
The anti-American commentary has a point: America fucked up, and it has to be fixed.
I don’t condone anti-American action, but I also believe those people are entitled to feel fucked over.
Stop sucking your daddy’s dick and get your head out of your asshole.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Seanbaby is funny, yet again.
there’s one problem with this article though…..
“perfect jumping jack yeti Iraqi” is doing his jumping jacks EXACTLY opposite of cadence. his arms are up when they should be down, drove me nuts.
if you’re whining about racism here you’re wrong.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Seanbaby is with Cracked? What no positions open at Archie Comics?
Good to see your humor again, dude. Had no idea what had happened to you. Used to love your articles in EGM.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
HAPPY VETERAN’S DAY, EVERYBODY!
November 11th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Canada blows, and this article rocks.
November 10th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
I love the seal! Great article, quite entertaining!
@CohibaMan :
Hahahaahahahahahahahaha, Nice! Damn Canadian chimps!
November 10th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Funniest thing I have ever read on Cracked, ever.
@Mimi, Disgusted, noneofyourbusines, chris, etc etc..
Get the hell out of here and go read the LA Times or something. Get a sense of humor, Geez
November 10th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
@The Canada Defenders Throughout This Thread:
Look.
As an American citizen, I think I speak for all of us when I explain the reason why we won’t be invading you anytime soon.
It’s not because of your hockey players, or your legendary pro-wrestlers, or your vaunted hunters, your excellent efforts during World War II, or even because British soldiers stationed out of what is TODAY a nation known as Canada happened to burn down our White House back when we were a minor nation struggling against said British hegemony.
No, we won’t be invading you because we know your country is filled with a bunch of chimpanzees armed with friggin’ laser cannons. We know that’s exactly why you keep trying to provoke us into war with your flapping heads and beady eyes, your incessant “eh” accents, your health care system, and your Chris Bucholz articles. You want to invade you so you can attack us with a bunch of chimps and have them burn down our White House again.
It’s a good thing that DOB wrote that article several weeks back about how to disarm a chimp. That kind of ruins everything, doesn’t it?
Don’t think we’re not onto you.
November 10th, 2009 at 10:40 am
Pathetic.
November 10th, 2009 at 9:24 am
This made me laugh so hard I cried a little… now I can say that the situation in Iraq has brought tears to my eyes. Thanks, Seanbaby!
November 9th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
i love how seanbaby always writes the funniest aricles, but the people who read it think ‘ethics’ and ‘human rights’ should get the better of this article. but then instead of telling him that directly, they go into the comments section (the equivalent of trying to reach obama by going into a kfc) and start talking about politics, rights, ethics, countries, armies, governments, developement, etc. and just ruining regular peoples’ chance to admire the humor. by this point, most of you are thinking ‘here comes the slightly discriminating facts’ but no. im just here to say “all of you talking about things other than what is in this article suck” i dont care if its bad, but its better than saying stuff about politics and the stocks falling.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
ReaperCDN Says:
November 5th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
““with the possible exception of Canada, who as far as I can tell, doesn’t even have a military. Just a guy with a deer rifle.”
Go across the Border into Canada and say that. I gaurantee you will have several new holes in your head the next time you go drinking with your redneck buddies.
Canada=Next World Power”
Well, not really. In general we’re pretty nice and decent as people. Although coming up to and insulting most soldiers who are in the military will most likely be met by laughter.
As for the jackhole Americans who enjoy making fun of us:
There are some of us who take actual pride in the fact that Canada is in reality an extremely effective power when we need to be. Case in point, WW II. We started with less then 7000 people because we didn’t require a massive army. When the call came for war, we had over a million people volunteer, not conscripts, VOLUNTEERS to go and fight.
Also, try not to forget we burned down the White House. Canada is the only country to ever kick the USA’s ass in a war so hard we burned down your President’s house. A lot of people tend to forget that. A lot more joke about just moving in and taking us over. Try not to forget that while we don’t have the right to bare arms, we DO have a shitload of hunters and people who enjoy our way of life. Any war precipitated by the USA would be met with millions of instant soldiers wielding, if nothing else, their own hunting rifles. And let me tell you something you don’t know: Deer are faster then people. So if I can pick off a deer at 200 meters while it’s running, what makes you think YOU have a chance?
Canada is one of the US’s best allies but I had to respond to this. The English burned down the White House, not the Canadians. A deer is not faster than a M1A1 tank or an F-15 fighter plane. On the plus side I think, besides the Russians, the only soldiers in World War 2 that the Germans were afraid of were Canadians.
PS I love Canada!
November 9th, 2009 at 9:33 am
You actually remember the tap dancing Cos episode? Damn dude, thats some useless fucking info you got trapped up in that noggin…..funny tho.
November 9th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I have never lol’d more at a single article than I have at this one! Way to go Cracked!
November 8th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Have any of you been laid in the last decade? You all seem rather tense.
November 8th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Over-analyze much?
November 8th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Let’s face it. You don’t have to read the article, but whether you agree with it or not, that video is some funny ass shit.
November 8th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
The PT instructor on the right is Staff Sergeant Carrier. He was my squad leader when I was in 51st Trans in Mannheim, Germany, until he got med-boarded because metal in your stomach sucks.
November 8th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
And by the way, I was a dinosaur boat for like three straight hours last Tuesday. No one tells me what I can’t do.
November 8th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I have a great idea: Let’s go to a HUMOR site, read an article, completely forget our sense of humor, then get outraged at anyone who thinks it’s funny. Oh, and then use the comment forum to bash U.S. troops, and stereotype them as rednecks (even the black/asian/hispanic/jewish ones. I think a lot of people who claim to be “enlightened” or “worldly” use this as a position from which to judge the living shit out of everyone they meet. If you’re such a “liberal thinker”, and you allegedly have some type of education, you should steer away from ignorant things like making blanket statements about international politics. If a guy enlists in the military at age 18, then at age 21 his superiors say, “get on this plane, we’re going to Iraq to fight for freedom”, do you expect him to say, “wait a minute, don’t I have a say in this?” The answer is no. He has no say in where he is sent. Now if you are saying anyone who enlists in the military is a moron, you are making yourself look like an even bigger idiot. A nation that has no military is not a nation for long.
November 8th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Here’s something you need to consider, and I say this based on being in Afghanistan since 2007 and training police officers. They don’t do jumping jacks in this hemisphere. It would be like us repeating some of their tribal dance moves. This is a new and strange concept to them. I’m certain that these troops were trying to introduce a physical training program to the Iraqi military and decided to start with, what appeared to the US soldiers, basic exercises. Once they saw the first few demonstrate this new ‘Technique”, someone realized this must be documented as he began pissing himself from laughter. It’s difficult to fathom that in this day and age, there are still places on this planet that have never had electricity in the history of everything. They are well behind the rest of the world in technology we have enjoyed for over a hundred years. I have personally explained how an IM message works only to be laughed at and accused of making that shit up.
It’s difficult to describe or accurately make an analogy for how amazed some of the Afghans are when you show them an iPhone. It’s like you’re an alien with bizzaire, new technology. Many have even asked for the special “Pills” we take to stay cool in the desert heat while wearing body armor, and feel you are lying to them when you explain drinking water frequently and proper nutrition is all you need to avoid a heat stroke.
This video is nothing insulting or exploitive of the Iraqi people. I see it more as an example of one of the many difficulties we face in integrating developing countries into a globalized society. If they cannot do a single fucking jumping jack properly, how can we expect them to produce a viable government system that can provide security for it’s people? I’m not saying it can’t be done, but I am saying it won’t happen in a few years after decades of tyrannical rule and oppresion.
Once they can get the jumping jacks down, we can move on to letting them run governments. It has to be done in that order.
November 8th, 2009 at 2:38 am
Phil, you are so tough! You get that war veteran to meet you after school so you can show him just how tough he is when you take away his birthday or something cool like that. Hah. You internet tough guys are sooooooo intimidating! I wish I could be as cool as you, Hero. Maybe we should celebrate guys like you for Veterans’ Day since you’re so tough and so cool.
November 8th, 2009 at 1:51 am
Seanbaby,
This is why I’ve been reading your stuff for years… thanks for making Thursdays awesome again!
November 7th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
BobDobolina-
Dammit, you give some of us too much credit.
Some of us, like myself, really are just about, “My Country Right or Wrong,” and “Might makes right.” It’s not out of stupidity, sincere personal belief, or partisan politics but rather due to not having a soul. We just can’t help it. I had reason to sell it some 20-odd years ago when I was in the second grade and just haven’t looked back since. Sure, it causes us to support mass murder and unnecessary education budget cuts on occasion, but it also KEEPS THE TRAINS RUNNING ON TIME.
I’m not saying, of course, that anyone else in this thread thinks this way - I make it a point only to speak for myself. What I am saying, however, is that I just don’t think it’s wise to get nasty and personal with people you might otherwise get along with over comments made in an arena where context of communication is entirely absent beyond the presence of words, especially when the person in question might not have meant what you thought he said quite the same way you thought he meant it. It seems like a waste of energy at best and a catalyst for disaster at worst.
Although, I should add, if I’m going to get orange chicken out of all of this then those guys should totally go for it. I’m not above provoking two strangers from across the country into a fight so that I can get free chicken from a Chinese restaurant. That stuff’s awesome.
November 7th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Why do Seanbaby Comment sections always come down to this? I’m just looking for a few people who want to discuss how awesome Mr. Baby is, but no, all I get is bullcrap.
Dammit. Hold on, phone.
Kay, got it.
November 7th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I sympathize with Phil’s underlying motive, frankly — ranting about mass-murdering Iraqis is way out of line — but CohibaMan has a point: when you find yourself challenging people to fight you on the Internet, you should maybe think about reassessing the approach. Not good.
@shahnawaz: The thing to keep in mind here is that Seanbaby is basically parodying hyper-patriotic ethnic “humor,” much the way he parodied men’s magazines in an earlier article that also drew flak. The people who’ve shown up on this thread to yap defensively about how great and noble the Iraq War is or (more rarely, like our buddy Johnny Kingpin down below) to rant about “ragheads”: they’re the real butt of the joke, not the Iraqis.
I think there’s a certain beauty in the fact that many of them don’t notice this. On the other hand it could, arguably, just indicate that there’s a limit to how much this kind of irony really works before you’re just _doing_ the thing you’re supposed to be parodying. Whatever. I lean towards funny.
The video is actually of the Afghan National Army, anyway. (I’m betting Seanbaby knows that, too.)
November 7th, 2009 at 10:41 am
@shahnawaz-
Point taken. You are certainly entitled to your opinion but I think you are reading a bit too much into this. Like or hate his work, Seanbaby would have made fun of a video like this regardless of who was in it. I mean, come on - the guy once made fun of an obviously mentally retarded guy who dressed up like Mario. http://www.seanbaby.com/nes/mark.htm . He makes fun of everyone, whether they really deserve it or not… that’s always been Seanbaby’s schtick.
Regarding the reasons the US attacked Iraq but will not attack China, the reasons are simple - the US has very friendly relations with China but did not have friendly relations with Iraq. Geopolitical relations do not operate according to what is “right or wrong” or “good or evil”, but rather according to real politick and what a given country is capable of doing within its own interests. The US had more of an inherent interest in overthrowing the Iraqi government and implementing democratic rule than it does in invading China.
I’m not saying that this is “proper” or “right” by any stretch. History shows, however, that a nation that wishes to have its interests protected and advanced must either do everything within its power to ensure that or else fade into obscurity. America acts according to its own interests - usually by promoting friendly democratic governments when possible but by supporting friendly non-democratic governments when necessary. Any country would do the same in our position and many others have done so throughout history. It’s easy to blame us for doing so but you cannot reasonably say that your own people would not do the exact same thing were our situations reversed.
November 7th, 2009 at 10:08 am
@cohiba man
“You bring up some interesting points which, while I am not quite in agreement, are worth consideration and would make for a good debate elsewhere.
It has little to do with the fact that nothing in this article is about the justification of the War in Iraq or the lack thereof. ”
Read my posts again, I am not using this article as a means of attacking coalition.the crux of my point remains, that one must consider the circumstances of the person made fun of and they are living in such a horrible condition that are taking both mental and physical toll and actions of people of any race or nationality living under such circumstances should not be used as a fuel of humour.
regarding problem reading the post, i am sorry , since it was a bit long post, i had to type and save it in a text document, incase of any power outage, because our former leader, a dictator (obviously backed by coalition) forgot to plan for the increasing power consumption and maintanence of existing capacity.
@andy
1.) they havent directly threatened anyone. [nor did Iraq]
2.) their current leader has never gassed 200,000 of his own people. {maybe because NATO didnt provide them …yet?,they did kill millions of drug addicts btw}
3.) they, too, have nukes. and [so you will chicken out ?]
4.) the chinese people are generally happy, compared to iraqis who actually love us over there. [got any statistics for that?.....wait chinese people are allowed to answer independent foreign polls?]
November 7th, 2009 at 9:59 am
SB, you had me at “Flap Birdo”.
November 7th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Er… Phil?
I’m going to be frank, and I mean all of this with all due respect. I’m pretty sure you’re the one who has made this nasty. You’ve done it against someone who has a pretty well established presence on this site and was an active service member in Iraq to boot. All of the posturing in the world really isn’t saving you from looking EXTREMELY bad throughout these comments and you are more on the losing end of this exchange than you could possibly imagine. I’m not trying to insult you and none of this is meant as a jab - I really think you need to take a step back and evaluate the situation.
Glendoor42 never said that it’s okay to kill innocent people. What he expressed is that he had six years experience over there and hated it. That’s a matter of personal opinion - where is it a fucking rule that you have to like every single culture you encounter? The guy was just sharing his experiences. The only “questionable” thing he said is that the only way you’d drag him back there is in a fully armed bomber plane… the point wasn’t that he wants to go back and kill everyone there but rather that he really REALLY doesn’t want to go back at all. It appears to have been an exaggeration to both drive home that point and to express how much he REALLY didn’t like it there. You obviously read too much into it.
You, on the other hand, have continually accused the guy of wanting to kill civilians, of being a pedophile, of shooting old people, of raping goats, and of being born out of incest. You show outrage about someone making comments about Iraqis yet you show little hesitation to slur the entire population and culture of the Southern United States. A read through of your exchanges demonstrates that your language is far more full of abrasive, nasty, and abusive vitriol than glendoor42’s responses, which seem to show someone who is pissed yet restraining himself.
I’m telling you honestly and not to be mean. You’re not coming off well at ALL in this exchange. You’re not winning points and you’re not making glendoor42 look bad or getting laughs at his expense. Instead, you’re making yourself look like a bitter jackass… which is sad because I’m sure you are better than this.
But hey, do what you want - I’m not going to stop you. I just think that your rage and energy might be best directed elsewhere.
November 7th, 2009 at 6:12 am
Glendoor42,
I’m still waiting for your information dipthong. I just told what city I’m in, but you seem to be a little slow on your end billy bob. and as far as getting going into private message, why would I want to do that when I can 1.) tool you in public and 2.) Shit all over Seanbaby’s article. So halfwit, where exactly are you? I’m still down to meet. By the way jerkoff, I’m not the one who made it nasty, that was you when you suggested that it was okay to kill innocent people and rag on their nation after you’ve finished your dirty work.
DOB: I’m down with the Panda Express meet, just convince this jackass Glendoor to come down and we can… “have a civilized and calm discussion about this issue.”
November 7th, 2009 at 2:13 am
Wow, the comment section makes me want to hurl. Racism and Nationalism is a bad combo. I laughed a lil at the article though.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
seanbaby you are such an unbelievably racist white boy that preys on ridiculous stereotypes and i wish there were more like you. stereotypes are always funny i don’t care who you are. let’s go with the home goals though come on dawg.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Very funny… I especially liked the reference to Chase the Chuckwagon.
One thing though- unless we’re talking about two different chains, I believe it’s actually “Showbiz Pizza Place”. I used to go there as a kid, until they basically all were converted into Chuck E. Cheese’s.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
That drill sergeant is yelling “one two three, one two three” in ENGLISH. They don’t get that he’s yelling a rhythm; they just hear three syllables being repeated over and over. And after seeing that video, I’m wondering if they even get that jumping jacks are an exercise.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Seanbaby! You are amazing. My stomach hurts from laughing!
November 6th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
What’s with all the US bashers here? Not to pull an ‘ignorant douchebag’, but you all are just jealous you’re too borderline retarded to enjoy western culture. Fuck you. Fuck your country. America fucking rules. Besides us being over-capitolistic douchebags alot of the time. If you’re calling us out on ’stupid countery full of fuckingi diots’, AT THE VERY LEAST, present it in PRESENTABLE grammar. I’m just saying what every other North American, excluding Canada obviously, wants to say. Thanks. Good article, sorry for the wall of text, people are just making this way bigger than it should be.
November 6th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I couldn’t agree with BobDobolina more. Never underestimate Americans’ abilities to turn into dinosaur boats.
November 6th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
(gasp) How dare you make fun of and stereotype a group of people that are not Americans! Cause you know the only time its ok to be a bigot is if its against Americans or westerners in general.(end sarcasm)
If you replaced the word Iraqis with Americans in this article all you crybabies screaming racism would be laughing your asses off.
If it makes any of you bleeding hearts feel better Im playing the worlds smallest violin for you now.
November 6th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
GO SEAL GO!!!!!
Fuck you guys that hate the racism. It’s a joke, get over it. I’m a Mic, ginny, kraut, colonial, johnny bull, frog, tee-pee creeper, Mountain Monkey! And I’m damn proud of my ancestry and would mock it with every other nation! Grow up pussies!
P.S. I even make fun of my dead Mother…
November 6th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
…..This is why I no longer vote.
November 6th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
YEah FUCK THEM REDNECKS CAINT EVEN SPELL RIGHT OR END THEIR SENTENCES WITH SIMPLE PUNCTUATION BUT NEVER MIND BECAUSE THAT DOESN’T EVEN CONSTITUTE A SENTENCE YOU STUPID PIECE OF INBRED SHIT!
On a second and more sane not, I hope you are condemned for all eternity to drink dirty douchewater for your blatant racism.
November 6th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
YEah FUCK THEM IRAQIS CAINT EVEN DO JUMPIN JACKS
November 6th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I was seriously laughing the whole damn time I read this xP
November 6th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Oh, I do have a complaint for Seanbaby, by the way. Under “Impossible Achmed”:
“Let’s look at the facts: Being Iraqi and doing a jumping jack is like being American and transforming into a dinosaur boat. ”
This line implies that Americans cannot, in fact, transform into dinosaur boats. It’s this consistent underestimation of the can-do American spirit that has marked treasonous liberalism from time immemorial. You stand revealed, sir. Revealed!
November 6th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
@Johnny: “No U!” is to comebacks what Rocket Virginbuster is to jumping jacks, brah. But research indicates that meth takes out the comedic lobes of the brain first, so if it’s any consolation, I do feel sorry for you.
@CohibaMan: “The Constitution is a damned fine document, on par with the Bible and any autobiography Elvis may have written.”
Heretic! Nothing could match an autobiography by The King. Find some soap and wash out your mouth!
November 6th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
@ CohibaMan, OK , yeah I’ve done the http://www.cracked.com/members
thing by mistake also.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Terrible, but hilarious xD
I’m changing my name to Rocket Virginbuster.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
And you sir , are a fucking loser…..
November 6th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
BobDobolina-
That’s right. The Constitution is a damned fine document, on par with the Bible and any autobiography Elvis may have written.
Except for the 3rd Amendment. Fuck the 3rd Amendment. That’s just not right.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Stay off the drugs, Johnny. A user is a loser.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Thank you. Now go fuck fuck yourself.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
glendoor42-
Yes, I am aware that Phil is the one being particularly nasty. It actually makes me sick. I included your name in there to be diplomatic so that perhaps he would actually read it and shut up instead of thinking that I was just directly attacking him. A lack of beer sometimes makes me unnecessarily diplomatic. That’s been remedied now (Stone IPA… damned good stuff!).
As for my name linking to your profile, it’s because I set my website setting for “www.cracked.com/members/” by mistake, which, when someone is logged in, links them to their own account.
Personally, I’m all for DOB’s idea… mainly because I plan to steal his orange chicken when no one’s looking.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
@JohnnyKingpin: “may i suggest that you go inject that into the nearest camel vulva , you filthy rag headed goat fuckers.”
Nice work laying the racism complaint to rest, you meth-huffing cousin-banging supremacist shithead.
(Sorry, was that harsh? Just trying to get into the spirit of things.)
November 6th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Holy mother of all things fuck. If you don’t think it’s funny,,,fine say so. If you want to inject your unfunny views on whether this is politically correct or not , may i suggest that you go inject that into the nearest camel vulva , you filthy rag headed goat fuckers. you politically correct assholes are everything that is wrong with the world.
Lighten the fuck up and teach your men folk to act like people . not mindless fucking retards. As-Salaam-Alaikum cockwipes.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I think the seal thought he was a Navy Seal!
November 6th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
You Americans amazes mee, because you are so stupid.
First, you invade a country without legal causes and then you insult the people there. Read the bible you hippocrats!!!
November 6th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
@nuthugger69: “Furthermore, if obama was president during the trump up to war there wouldnt be any cock juice left for the cocksters if ya know what i mean.”
I know I’ll regret asking this, but… what DOES that mean?
@CohibaMan: “I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution.”
Drat! I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids and their Constitution!
November 6th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
@ CohibaMan ” With all due respect to both of you, chill the fuck out. It’s retarded enough when bitter political debates arise in these comment threads. It’s downright ridiculous when the comments degenerate into downright nasty personal insults and threats.
Seriously, get a room, or at the very least use the private messaging function that Cracked so graciously provides. This is getting downright ugly and I’m sure I’m not the only one who really doesn’t want to read it.”
Phil made it nasty, refused my offer to use the private message function Cracked, not me.
He refused to send me an address so we could discuss this ( which is all I said I wanted to do) and continued rant shit about me which is totally unfounded and not true.
DOB made an excellent suggestion and I would be willing to go with that option to meet with Phil. So we can continue this conversation further.
One other question, why is your name linked to my page on Cracked, just wondering.
November 6th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
so much funny in so little words.
brilliant.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
holding a can..OF SNAKES!!!!
November 6th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
The videos hilarious, but the actual article blows chunks.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Forgot to say that I’m half Arab, opposed the war in Iraq, etc etc. THIS IS JUST A FUNNY VIDEO EVERYONE. Of people jumping and jacking like crackheads.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I’ve got no idea what everyone is freaking out about. Long time reader, first time commenter, because I just had to butt in here - this is literally the funniest thing I’ve seen/read in weeks. I am crying from laughter. That video is GOLD I tell you, GOLD.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Alright…so how are jokes based on stereotypes of the residents of the southern US being hopelessly ignorant funny and a play by play on an actual video of Iraqis sucking at jumping jacks not?
As for the cultural insensitivity thing…We’re witnessing 8 out of 9 grown men failing to move their legs and arms in time; this is just basic motor skills, it’s not like we’re laughing at them failing to shoot 3-pointers into a basketball hoop or tap dance.
And for all you dumb-asses who cry about racism and probably voted for Obama mostly because he’s black: Iraqi is a nationality; Arabs are a race. Please do everyone else a favor and come to that understanding that before you ever attempt communication again. Thanks.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
ANDY, you are pathetic… USA is just a dumb ass country with stupid citizens
November 6th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
“the chinese people are generally happy, compared to iraqis who actually love us over there. ”
sure they do
http://www.globalpolicy.org/component/content/article/168-general/37194-iraqi-public-opinion-polls-and-the-occupation.html
November 6th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
“They simply believe, and I join them in this belief, that murderous dictator should be deposed. They believe that nations that are run by religious lunatics who would stone a woman to death for the crime of being raped should be deposed.”
How can anyone say this without realising that it isn’t happening? There are plenty of muderous dictators and countries with appalling human rights abuses and no one’s doing anything about them.
The idea that American forgien policy has anything to do with human rights and fighting oppression is totally at odds with reality. Just completely wrong.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
BobDobolina-
“I especially like the continued delusion that everything that went wrong in Bush’s presidency was just a lie cooked up by his detractors.”
What? You mean they weren’t?
This is sounding suspiciously close to anti-American Commie Talk, sir. Everyone knows that it’s unpatriotic to question presidents past and present unless they’re Democrats. In the case that they ARE Democrats, it’s a patriotic duty to question the president and unpatriotic to trust his motives on any level.
I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Brilliant.
I laughed the whole way through. Kudos to you, Seanbaby, you’ve done it again.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
shahnawaz-
You bring up some interesting points which, while I am not quite in agreement, are worth consideration and would make for a good debate elsewhere. It has little to do with the fact that nothing in this article is about the justification of the War in Iraq or the lack thereof. The jury is still very much out on that question and it involves a lot more than the simple presence of WMDs or the desire to implement democracy.
That’s not why I’m responding though. No, I’m responding to tell you that you’ve REALLY gotta fix the formatting of your posts, because THAT was not easy to read.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
AMERICAAAAAAAAAAA FUCK YEAH!
November 6th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Iraqis are not able to do jumping jacks because the arab culture does not have a notion of, nor a history of jumping and jacking. So please stop being a rascist asshole Sean, and get the real truth in your writings.
Also, DOB, do u take a helping a of cock along with your orange chicken?
Also, this sight sucks. Ive read every article here and i have found none that are any good.
Furthermore, if obama was president during the trump up to war there wouldnt be any cock juice left for the cocksters if ya know what i mean.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I didn’t think it was possible for anyone to make themselves look dumber than those poor jumping-jacks bastards, but andy done come along and proved me wrong. A gutsy play, sir. I especially like the continued delusion that everything that went wrong in Bush’s presidency was just a lie cooked up by his detractors. You stay in that beautiful little world of yours, and say hello to the Easter Bunny for us.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Nice joke. Any insensitivity you nullified with your last paragraph of how you may be wrong.
But next time, for the female troops, could you put pictures of hot guys up? Or just for the ladies in general?
November 6th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Shahn - Actually, humor has no moral boundaries. It’s one of the few things actual human beings have been able to protect from the political correctness assholes *cough cough* good citizens of California.
Gingercrisp - I do believe that was a remark about the dictator douchebag/ murderface Hussein, and not all peoples of Iranqrial.
DOB - I fucking love orange chicken! We should totally get some after I film our brave troops having a schoolyard bitchfight for my ‘Boy Fights’ DVD.
November 6th, 2009 at 10:39 am
But who doesn’t? http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=23&sku=E-CD00318 HAWT!
November 6th, 2009 at 10:36 am
In response to my comments, there were a few of replies, i will touch some of their aspects
first , the motive of invading iraq was not to spread democracy,but because it was told that they had WMDs,
which they didnt.Hence they were wrongfully occupied.If the coalition wanted to spread democracy,why not start with china?
largest population in the world? … because they have given most of the US’s loans? because you ‘cant’ ? because its
not in your strategic interests?
…also you know what you would have done with iraq? … NOT SUPPORT SADDAM THE DICTATOR in the first place? remember
selling him weapons to fight iran in the 80s era? same weapons he used against kuwait
Yes the dictatorship was brutal, but ask any iraqi, and He/she will say they were better off with saddam because
if they kept their head down,they would have a comparitively reasonable security.
The notion that democracy is ‘installed’ or propped by outside forces is incorrect.No country propped french people
to revolt against their monarch,americans against british rule,no entity propped people of pakistan to come to vote against
the american supported dictator
or its late leader Benazir bhutto to come,address rallies knowing and being threatened that there is active and real plan
to assassinate her (and she was assasinated,but people after her assasination did vote, infact it was pheraps the largest
women voter turnout in the country’s history despite terror threats at polling stations)
and once again if you wanted to install democracy ,why did you support it in the first place ? and if thats your moral
standing ,why are you trading with china? i hardly hear any outcry against china by coalition partners ? infact its mostly
the ‘public’ outcry.
back to the crux of my post being a contributor of a humour site doesnt mean one is not a human.Humor still has moral
boundries.
humouring people who were wrongfully occupied by same countries who supported their dictator,
leaving their society in utter chaos,being forced to live in a life of constant stress,dealing with food scarity,lack
of services like electricity,running water sewrage (Remember their entire system collapsed) not knowing if your family
will be there or blown up by extremists when you return from home,or your son will become a part of ‘rendition’ or
abughraib or what will be your fate,and what will happen to your family if something happens to you
does take away alot of mental capacity of any person.no matter how mentally fit he used to be.Take war veterns
,they have PTSD after their service in combat,some try to cope up with it all their life.Imagine each memeber of
your society going through it.
considering this,its morally wrong to make fun involving people living under these horrible circumstances.Be it
iraqis or national of any other country.
November 6th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Seanbaby you rock! I almost peed myself reading this! EXCELLENT.
To everyone else crying racism…what the h*ll are you even doing on this website w/o a sense of humor? get off here and go read an Oprah book. ooops…was THAT racist?
November 6th, 2009 at 10:12 am
It’s true that some people are a little over-sensitive to what they percieve as racism. On the other hand, “If this is the Iraqi idea of physical fitness, is it any wonder that these guys’ heads pop off when you hang them?” Really? Are you fucking serious? Last time I checked, our troops wear camo, not klan robes.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that the article doesn’t make of Iraqis in violent militias, threatening peace and freedom in the region. It just makes fun Iraqis, and it comes off as a little bit ignorant and childish.
November 6th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Phil, you’re in the valley? Shit, small world, me too. Here’s a neat idea: Why don’t you guys meet in the valley to talk about this? Somewhere quiet and undisturbed. Now, I don’t want to brag, but I’m no stranger to the Valley’s filthy underbelly, if I do say so myself. There’s this Panda Express on Ventura and the parking lot behind it is almost always empty, (it’s so small, no one ever wants to park there). You guys can meet there and talk about how strong and big-dicked everyone on the internet is, and I can eat some orange chicken. And then maybe you guys can beat the shit out of each other, and I can eat some orange chicken. Sound good?
Sergeant, you’re more than welcome to crash at my place.
November 6th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Bahaha, another riot
November 6th, 2009 at 8:33 am
I’m sitting in math class reading this. I had a hard time not busting up laughing. I barely contained my giggles, but man that was FUNNY! Clap-man and Ballerina-guy were my favorites. Even just glancing at them makes me laugh!
November 6th, 2009 at 8:20 am
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November 6th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Brilliant. An extremely un-politically correct article that will no doubt piss off a bunch of retarded pansy pseudo-intellectuals. Everybody make sure you make fun of the dumbasses who whine that this is “rascist”, they deserve it.
I’m not being sarcastic, I’m glad this was posted….plus it was pretty funny.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Phil, please, please, please give Glen your address. Please?
November 6th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Wall of text crits for over 9k..ouch
“@phil still waiting on that full address and I said you wouldn’t give it and I was right. Also I “already” let you know I willing to come out there and discuss this. So what’s the hold up? Quit fucking posturing or shut the fuck up.
But to tell the truth I’m really getting kind of scared because you must have superpowers or something as omniscient as you seem to think you are about me. No, not really, you’re just a total fucking internet tool.
The Iraqis aren’t a race either, no more than Americans are a race. You need to get your facts straight before you call someone, you don’t even know, ignorant.”
Yeah, I’m gonna give my address out to a total stranger over the internet. Look obviously you inherited that level of stupid because no sane person would actual expect from someone else what you’re expecting of me. Personally I think A.) either your mother carried the dominant gene for Down Symdrome which lead you to be like this or B.) She actually fucked each and every one of her Male blood relatives which lead to your level of retardation. You want to do this, dumbfuck? Fine. You let me know when you’re coming down to LA and I’ll arrange the meet, we can do this in a gym, out in the streets or anywhere you want.
And as far as internet tools are concerned, I’ve already told you that I’d be down to meet and the city I live in, so fuck you, you little bitch I don’t see you divulging any information.
As far as the Iraqis are concerned, I know that their race is Arab, but don’t change the subject, fucknuts, the issue at hand here is that you’re nothing more than a child rapist and murderer, lets not forget that. And BTW, why did you really go to Iraq in the first place? It couldn’t have been for just raping kids and shooting old people in the back, could it? Be honest, it was the fact that they have alot of goats there, right? You wanted to fuck some really purty goats, and they just don’t have enough of those in inbred, Mississippi, or whatever back water sump hole you’re from, so you headed out on your jolly way to a place where there are alot of goats, so that you could fuck as much as you want and not have to worry about the reprecussions, right?
November 6th, 2009 at 6:57 am
“at least they’re alive and not among the 1.2 million civilians you killed there”
Look, I had a bad day, okay? Motherfuckers ought to know better than to talk to me before I’ve had my morning coffee.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:47 am
While were on this racist thing, I’d like to point out that I found your Aquaman sucks article to be profoundly racist also. You really don’t understand what it’s like to be an underwater hominid, do you? It’s bad enough that fish laugh at us because we’re anatomically underdeveloped for aquatic life, but we need this shit from you? Not funny, asshole! Grow up.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:43 am
Phil, Glendoor42-
With all due respect to both of you, chill the fuck out. It’s retarded enough when bitter political debates arise in these comment threads. It’s downright ridiculous when the comments degenerate into downright nasty personal insults and threats.
Seriously, get a room, or at the very least use the private messaging function that Cracked so graciously provides. This is getting downright ugly and I’m sure I’m not the only one who really doesn’t want to read it.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:31 am
ChuckleVision-
Bringing up statistics about civilian massacres in response to an article about people that suck at jumping jacks is PARTICULARLY screwy when the person in question manages to over-inflate those casualty numbers by a factor a little over 10.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:31 am
Glendoor42 worte:
“@phil still waiting on that full address and I said you wouldn’t give it and I was right. Also I “already” let you know I willing to come out there and discuss this. So what’s the hold up? Quit fucking posturing or shut the fuck up.
But to tell the truth I’m really getting kind of scared because you must have superpowers or something as omniscient as you seem to think you are about me. No, not really, you’re just a total fucking internet tool.
The Iraqis aren’t a race either, no more than Americans are a race. You need to get your facts straight before you call someone, you don’t even know, ignorant.”
Yeah, I’m gonna give my address out to a total stranger over the internet. Look obviously you inherited that level of stupid because no sane person would actual expect from someone else what you’re expecting of me. Personally I think A.) either your mother carried the dominant gene for Down Symdrome which lead you to be like this or B.) She actually fucked each and every one of her Male blood relatives which lead to your level of retardation. You want to do this, dumbfuck? Fine. You let me know when you’re coming down to LA and I’ll arrange the meet, we can do this in a gym, out in the streets or anywhere you want.
And as far as internet tools are concerned, I’ve already told you that I’d be down to meet and the city I live in, so fuck you, you little bitch I don’t see you divulging any information.
As far as the Iraqis are concerned, I know that their race is Arab, but don’t change the subject, fucknuts, the issue at hand here is that you’re nothing more than a child rapist and murderer, lets not forget that. And BTW, why did you really go to Iraq in the first place? It couldn’t have been for just raping kids and shooting old people in the back, could it? Be honest, it was the fact that they have alot of goats there, right? You wanted to fuck some really purty goats, and they just don’t have enough of those in inbred, Mississippi, or whatever back water sump hole you’re from, so you headed out on your jolly way to a place where there are alot of goats, so that you could fuck as much as you want and not have to worry about the reprecussions, right?
November 6th, 2009 at 5:31 am
Holy hell, I think Russ is actually serious. It would really suck to be that stupid and not even realize it. I apologize Russ, to you both yourself and your inevitably retarded child.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:19 am
eat a dick .. asshole
November 6th, 2009 at 4:55 am
And boy, people who keep trying to bring up statistics about civilian massacres in response to an article about people that suck at jumping jacks have a couple of screws loose.
November 6th, 2009 at 4:42 am
I thought the article was absotively hi-laaarious, as all of Sir Seanbaby Earl of Babypunching’s articles are.
And to those who call this shiny chunk of discharged awesome racist and/or xenophobic, you obviously have no idea how satire works, nor any of the finer forms of comedy. I bid you good day!
November 6th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Hey, they may suck at jumping jacks, at least they’re alive and not among the 1.2 million civilians you killed there.
November 6th, 2009 at 4:22 am
Boy if anyone missed the point of this article, it’s the people who skipped over the first three paragraphs of self-deprecating material about what American cuisine and medical obsession with boners to find something to be offended about. Hint: This is mostly satire, you mouth breathers
November 6th, 2009 at 4:19 am
Hey Russ- if you want your comment to be taken seriously, try speaking english, yeah?
Anyway, I agree with Bunivasal. The whole article was done in the tone of “_____ are terrible at jumping jacks”, and because of the video, Iraqi just happened to fill that blank. If it was white guys training for a military exercise, I’m sure the article would be like ’shame on my people’.
Cracked has posted way more offensive stuff than this…why even come here if you’re easily offended?
November 6th, 2009 at 4:06 am
how the fuck did this make it 2 this website is beyond me! it’s anythin but funny!!! i think by know we all know how stupid and xenophobic americans r , so the world doesnt need further evidence of that ! seriously stop, UR RACIST AND PROUD , WE GET IT!!
and btw , be4 u start makin fun of Iraqi soldiers , how abt cleaning up ur military bases from psychopaths and serial killers!!! oh wait , bt they passed seanbaby’s jumping jacks routine, damn , my fault , keep’em in control of ur army , im sure nothing bad is gonna happen. what goes around , comes around…..
November 6th, 2009 at 4:00 am
Seanbaby…you just downright suck. Not a smirk, grin, smile, whatever you want to call it. Not once. For any of the articles I’ve read by you. It just kinda makes you come off as kind of a twat waffle. Quit, man. Just fuckin quit.
I’m not rascist or anything, but that wasn’t really an issue for me in this article. It was just a bad article. Not funny is not funny no matter the reason.
November 6th, 2009 at 3:38 am
Chris, you can be as Iraqi as you want about this article, but it’s not Seanbaby’s fault those folks over there are to mis-coordinated to even perform a jumping jack. It’s hilarious. Even more hilarious is the fact that they’re usually all too proud to be able to laugh at a joke made on their behalf (yes, that goes for you too, ‘Chris’).
Finally, it proves that you have failed to understand something you obviously don’t have in the middle east: Humor..
November 6th, 2009 at 3:11 am
that was very racist, and not funny
go fuck yourself seanbaby
November 6th, 2009 at 2:58 am
haahahahahahahahahahahah
November 6th, 2009 at 1:55 am
Seanbaby you little fuckin turd go suck on a whales cock. I’m iraqi this wasn’t even funny no matter what ethnicity it was, the USA obviously went to Iraq to help the iraqis. The only reason iraqis have ak47s on top of the fridge is because there’s been so many god damn wars in Iraq they don’t know what the fuck to expect.
And if you were too fuckin ignorant to know but there are hundreds of American iraqis who went back to Iraq to translate or the troops so suck on those nuts.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:46 am
I’ve seen white guys doing jumping jacks in much the same way. Go to a co-ed gym, and look at the guys in the second row. You may have some trouble as they will be completely obscured by their massive beerguts and medical erections. I have this sneaking suspicion that the owners of co-ed gyms use their surveilance tapes to blackmail the richer of their flabby patrons, which is why we haven’t seen them on You-Tube… YET!!!
November 6th, 2009 at 1:27 am
This article would be freaking hilarious no matter what nationality/ethnicity the people were. But because they’re Iraqi, it’s racist? To quote Hank Hill: “What kind of country is this where you can’t hate a man unless he’s white?” Yes, it’s kind of sad that these people are in charge of Iraq’s security, but they clearly have beheadings and IEDs down, so I’m not too worried about their ability to defend themselves.
Oh, and “Tap Razzmatazz” would be an awesome name for a band.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:18 am
Ya’ll bitches is crazy. Lighten up. It’s a joke-fest. This is Cracked for Chrissake.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:57 am
I love the .gif images. That was a very nice touch.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:52 am
Yep, that about sums them up during PT. I helped train some ING troops in 2004. We didn’t even make it to the jumping jack, they were too busy learning how to do 10 push ups without collapsing.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:24 am
This article would probably be a lot funnier if it was not showcasing how woefully unprepared the Iraqis we are training are to take over the policing of their own country.
Like maybe show that video of that guy that lights himself on fire burning a faux American flag. That one is always good for a laugh.
Not your best stuff Seanbaby.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:18 am
@Sara
Also, American troops were (and remain?) in charge of training the Iraqi peacekeeping military that is meant to support the Iraqi government during the American pullout.
These guys are the people we’re leaving Iraq’s security in the hands of if we’re bringing the troops home. On the bright side, a military coup is unlikely.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:14 am
I’m having a little difficulty parsing the cries of racism. I mean, I see it, but it’s like “Boy those crazy Irishmen and their drinking LOL” as opposed to apostrophe apostrophe apostrophe, etc. Or is it the insinuation that Iraqis own many goats, clap infrequently, and are hilariously uncoordinated that’s racist? I mean, it is, but the only thing I genuinely had a problem with was the “when a white guy does a jumping jack” thing.
And as for “not funny”, I thought it was hilarious. I was starting to get worried that I’d overexposed myself to comedy because I haven’t had an asthma attack from laughing at a Cracked article in months, and the only reason this one didn’t do precisely that is because I was reading it during class and laughing out loud when the teacher says “Confucianism” is poor manners.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
Why is it racist? because they are black? Craxked would be mocking these dumb mother fuckers no matter where they came from.
And the name hardly mock real arabic names. Calm down ho’s.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
not really that funny. And not just because it was racist, which it was. I don’t even care about that.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:10 pm
The video alone is hilarious; Seanbaby’s comentary is just a bonus.
Cracked.com is a “comedy” website, so WTF is with the race hating debate going on in the comments?
Lighten up already. Sheesh!
November 5th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Definitely not your best work, I didn’t even crack a smile.
Damn it, you! You’re usually so good at articles WTF HAPPENED?
November 5th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
This article is a perfect example of why Seanbaby never makes it into the stories where the other writers get together.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Seanbaby I have loved you for 6 years and you have never disappointed me. From your website to EGM and now here, I continue to enjoy your writings. Keep up the good work!
November 5th, 2009 at 9:03 pm
I’ve seen some so-so Seanbaby articles, some great Seanbaby articles, and some crappy Seanbaby articles.
This was definitely one of them.
…
OH - the funny ones. This was one of the funny ones. Good shit!
November 5th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Allow me to clear up that I really don’t have a problem with Canada or they’re military. Just tryin’ to keep things light. Although the one dude that said I should be scared of Canadian’s cause he can peg a runnin’ deer kinda supports the “one guy with a deer rifle” part of my statement.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Has anyone else noticed that the guy in charge has an American accent and is counting in English. It seems a bit unlikely that you would train your soldiers to fight against someone by teaching them their language and getting them to do their excersise drills. It kind of makes me think that there is nothing Iraqi about these guys and that they may just be “seriously uncoordinated Americans” (to the rest of the world this bit would just read “Americans”).
November 5th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
So, is it Seanbabys job to make random irrelevant comparisons, and unfunny one liners?
For example: “Being Iraqi and doing a jumping jack is like being American and transforming into a dinosaur boat”
Is there anything funny about that at all?
I could forgive him if this was a one time occurrence, but… it’s like his entire writing style. Breaking into the world of internet comedy can’t be to hard if seanbaby has been employed this long
November 5th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Hey Seanbaby, thanks for the shout-out!
This had both me and my roommate rolling. I had the chance to watch some Iraqis doing “PT” almost every morning while I was in Iraq. I wish they had done something this funny. Mostly they just walked around in circles, the only time I saw them “run” they were running slower than I was walking!
November 5th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
aha, missed a bit out there. the second last line should be “heyyy, look at the (whatever derogatory term) jump like a twat”
November 5th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
actually coach, if you were to replace my name with two given racial or sexual epithets you’d just get a pair of offensive words. hate speech is using that kind of language in a way that is designed purely or primarily to humiliate/denigrate people. yeah there are a lot of fairly sick jokes on cracked, and yeah this is clearly satire. my point is that it’s not funny satire insofar as it’s just recycling offensive stereotypes - there isn’t, as it were, any real attempt to engage with the stereotypes themselves.
also, if you’re going to call someone an absolute idiot, it’s generally best to have a post-kindergarten grasp of linguistic construction. ya fuckin’ mouthbreathing cretin.
cohiba - i disagree with you, but i can see where you’re coming from. i was trying more to make the point that this crosses satirical bounds into simple “heyy look at the jump like a twat”. if it was just “people jumping like twats” i’d probably have no problem with it.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
@phil still waiting on that full address and I said you wouldn’t give it and I was right. Also I “already” let you know I willing to come out there and discuss this. So what’s the hold up? Quit fucking posturing or shut the fuck up.
But to tell the truth I’m really getting kind of scared because you must have superpowers or something as omniscient as you seem to think you are about me. No, not really, you’re just a total fucking internet tool.
The Iraqis aren’t a race either, no more than Americans are a race. You need to get your facts straight before you call someone, you don’t even know, ignorant.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Phil, there’s no point in hiding behind a keyboard in public so I won’t say here what I really feel. My e-mail address is voton1066@yahoo.com. Shoot me a line and we’ll hook up. I’ll leave exactly enough of your bitch little ass for Glendoor to swallow and shit out.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
I don’t… get it…
November 5th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
so racist, good job.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
How delightfully racist. I laffed :3
November 5th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
@CohibaMan:
Done and done!
November 5th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Oh wow! Look at all of the change happening because of the people commenting one how bad or insensitive this article is!
Oh wait… Your comments are that other thing: Fucking retarded…
November 5th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
That was hilarious!
November 5th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
BobDobolina-
Despite other stuff I’ve said about you on this thread, we really should lay aside our differences and start taking wagers.
I’ll split the vig with ya.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
i might be wrong, but isn’t this video about a camp that attempts to help the mentally retarded?
November 5th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
I have CP, albeit not that severe, and I can do jumping jacks. If a grown-ass, seemingly capable, man can’t do them, they sure-as-fuck deserved to get laughed at.
I loved the the gif of Sasquatch for Impossible. Fucking hilarious.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Great article!!! Hilarious!!
November 5th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
It would be sort of awesome if we got an actual duel out of a Cracked comments thread instead of the usual Internet posturing and counter-posturing. Phil and Glendoor42 should keep us informed.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
seanbaby, this was awesome. to all you haters out there, let me ask you this: did you actually watch the clip at the beginning of the article?
November 5th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
“homunists”? lol wut?
November 5th, 2009 at 6:50 pm
Glendoor42 wrote:
“1. I received my masters degree before I retired from the military and had two years of a college education before I joined the military.
2. You have no fucking idea what I did in Iraq whether I killed people or not and quite frankly that is none of your fucking business.
3. I’m hiding behind no one, while you’re saying things to me that you would never say to my face all the while hiding behind the internet.”
1. You received your masters degree yet you denigrate an entire race of people for doing nothing more than being the victims of an unprovoked invasion, and you say that the only way you’d go back to that “shithole” is if it was in a B52 to finish the job. Yeah, I guess with with a Jaw as slack as that, I’d be willing to shit on a piece of paper and call it a Masters degree too.
2. I have no fucking idea what you did in Iraq, and if you killed people or not, and quite frankly thats none of my business huh? Look jerkoff its pretty clear that you get your rocks off on bombing innocent, unarmed people, thats not a secret. And as to what you did in Iraq, I recall hearing a couple of months ago about a child sex slavery ring being run out of the green zone for a couple of year there, now you wouldn’t have had anything to do with that would you? Because from what I can tell, you my friend have unstable child rapist written all over you.
3. I’m in Tarzana California Cock sucker, thats a suburb of the San Fernando Valley, and anytime you want to head out here just let me know and we can handle this the proper way.
4. C-section, huh? Jesus, you know you fucked up somewhere bad when even nature thought it was a bad idea for you to enter this world. Gawdamm!!! It all makes perfect sense now.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Completely unfunny and stupidly racist. Seanbaby, sometimes you’re a riot, other times not.
This time you’re just fucking lame.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
I don’t really like Seanbaby that much. He’s kindof an asshole, and in a different way than the others.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
james humphries-
Can’t agree with you there. If you put in “ni-er” or “fa-ot” it becomes hate speech because you are using slurs and obviously intending to defame an entire race of people.
But if it showed a group of black guys or a group of gay people doing it and did not use defamatory language? I’d say that accusations of “hate speech” would be questionable at best.
It’s not like Seanbaby held a gun to these guys heads, told them to do crappy jumping jacks, and then made a video of it and claimed it is representative of ALL Iraqis, smearing an entire group. Instead, he found a video on YouTube and decided to make fun of the people in it.
Whether it is humorous or in poor taste is up for debate, but it’s silly to say that it’s racist or hate speech.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Uh…yeah…who let the nigger make a comment?
November 5th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Funniest thing I’ve ever read on this site. Well done.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Hey James Humphries,
If you changed James to “Ni**er” and Humphries to “Rapist” then you would obviously be a racist as well. To say that replacing one word can change something from funny to offensive is so horrendously obvious that it makes my balls cringe. You’re an absolute idiot.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
this article was a waste of my life
November 5th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I read cracked religiously and have never commented before. But this is far and above the funniest thing I have ever read on this website. Thank you for it. It made my day a lot better!
November 5th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
By far the least funny writer on this site.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
YO THATS RACIST DAWG ALL U HONKEYS NO DAT BLACKS ARE DA BEST YALL NO DAT AND DATS WHY U KEEP DEM DOWN AND NOW DAT OBAMAS PRESIDENT YALL GANNA BE HANGIN FROM A DAM TREE
November 5th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
In the second paragraph, you spelt Cracked wrong. Nice one, Sanebaby.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
By far one of the funniest things i’ve ever read.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Inspired presentation.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Actually, I know an Iraqi guy. Older fellow, always friendly, very cool guy. Busts his ass every day in the warehouse, very good at what he does, too.
I don’t know if he can do jumping jacks, though.
So, anyone going to take me up on my offer?
November 5th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Fucking disgusting Seanbaby, this is pure, unadulterated hate-mongering. No comedy here.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Seanbaby, you should know a little more about the Iraqi people. Those men work hard to give their wives and children the required daily beatings, all the praying hysterically to a god that clearly only made the arab people as a practical joke on the rest of the world.
You really should check your facts next time.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
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November 5th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Laughed till I cried. Leave the whining in your sophomore SocAnth class and relax. If you’ve read anything by Seanbaby before you know it’s all fair game.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Well, yeah, cohibaman, apart from the fact that if you replace “iraqi” with “Ni–er” or “fa–ot” it becomes immediately obvious hatespeech.
seriously, seanbaby, you used to be funny. this isn’t funny. it’s not even clever. sort your fucking act out.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
There’s always a TURDip
November 5th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Seriously? Are people still whining about this?
It’s just an article written around a bunch of guys who can’t do jumping jacks, posed in an over-the-top ultra-patriotic context. That’s it. It’s no big deal. No one is saying that Iraqis suck or that these individuals are failures in any other aspects of their lives. No one making cryptic statements either for or against the war or for or against US troops themselves. No one is seriously implying that Iraqi recruits are inept because they can’t do jumping jacks.
It is just a silly video with Seanbaby-esque commentary afterward, pretty much like he usually does when he decides to post and comment on a video. There is no need to get all up in arms about any of it.
You have a right to complain about whatever you want, of course. You certainly do not, however, have a right not to look like an idiot while doing it.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Turnip: “Cracked.com is usually funny because deconstructs cultural differences humorously…”
Are you sure Cracked is the website you’re thinking about? Are you sure you’re not accidentally typing “thenewyorker” in your browser by mistake? Because the last I’ve been reading, Cracked humor is about finding the most balls-out ridiculous subjects around and sharing them with the world.
Speaking of which, this article may have set a new standard in that regard. Hats off to Seanbaby.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Disregard that, I suck cocks.
November 5th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Cracked.com is usually funny because deconstructs cultural differences humorously, not turn them into animated gifs and compare them to Bill Cosby tap dancing. Congratulations on being the least nuanced or intelligent writer for this website.
Now lets see you dance in an Arabic street festival or wedding and we’ll see how much of movement is learned and cultural, you stupid schmuck.
November 5th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
“This guy sucks so hard at jumping jacks that when he’s done with his workout, he has an egg, three gallons of milk and semen in his stomach.”
Laughed till I cried, then laughed harder trying to figure out what the hell that even means..
November 5th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Iraq’s very “Special Forces”, what a bunch of retards.
November 5th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Most.
Hillarious.
Thing.
Ever.
That is all.
November 5th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Seanbaby, you’re f’ing killing me. Another piece of comic genius..
November 5th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
That video was the funniest friggin’ thing I’ve seen in a while & THE funniest thing I’ve seen in one of Seanbaby’s articles, including the “American Seeds” ad.
I burst out laughing so hard and loudly both kids tore themselves away from Cartoon Network and came running from the next room.
November 5th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Always ready with a cliche in aid of Seanbaby:
He had to break some eggs to make this omelette.
At the core, this is funny. Rather than trying to sugar-coat it, he played around with it, putting some sharp edges on it to hide the boring spongey bits. All in all, well done I would say.
As far as the political parts, whatever people might feel for Seanbaby, he did not start that war and probably did more than his share to call BS where it was warranted. If someone does not like the world, they should change it or change themselves. Let’s all be motivated to be better people.
And that starts with jumping jacks. Ready? A one and two and…
November 5th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Wow…pretty tasteless. Glad I wasted 20 seconds skimming this rather than 20 minutes reading that offensive garbage. High five, dude. Never said this before, but this is the first article that Cracked.com has published that made me not want to read Cracked.com anymore. Hmm…
November 5th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
“Homunist”: Homo-communist.
Anyway, boo-hoo to everyone crying about the insensitivity/inhumanity/nazis.
I admire the patience of the 2 instructors DEMONSTRATING how to do it properly for the slack-asses who fail to take 5 seconds and learn basic body coordination. Maybe if they spent less time hating infidels and more time getting their shit together, we wouldn’t be calling them a bunch of backwards rejects?
November 5th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Pretty lame article. Dont think i laughed once.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
@Anonymouse
You can’t force anal sex on people with a gun. They have to want it for themselves. Of course, the whole world would be perfect if everyone acted exactly like Gay Aryan Skinheads! Screw those cultural nuances and differences in opinion! EVERYONE MUST THINK IN THE EXACT SAME WAY HERP DERP!!!11
November 5th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Almost nobody would be able to make me laugh hard enough and constantly enough to prevent me from finding this article extremely tasteless, but of course, Seanbaby made it happen. Effing awesome.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Omg, that made my day.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Thank ghod. I was afraid Seanbaby’s ability to write comedy had been badly impaired by his transplant to Cracked. Plainly, he is on the road to recovery. Nice work!
November 5th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
It’s like whatching caucasians dance salsa.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
“this guy is so uncoordinated that he can’t piss his pants without a funnel”
“Growing up in Iraq is like growing up as a stop sign in Arkansas”
LMFAO! Seanbaby, I wish you were a woman so I could pump you full of kids. Thanks muchly.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
funny video…with lots of enthusiasm =D
but they probably never had to do jumping jacks before, so its not their fault they suck at it.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
“This is not the place to call distinguished veterans ugly names. There is no such place.”
Of course, there’s really no place to brag about your wish to murder masses of Iraqis with explosives either. Say what you like about Phil, he’s no more out of line than the guy he’s talking to.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
@CavalierX
I like Ayn Rand! She is teh sex!
Praising jeebus is not a problem unless used against somebody. At which point they arent praising jeebus anymore, theyre praising themselves.
Also, dont you think this all out of hand? This article is pure comedy, and shock value. Just laugh and move on. We dont really need to know your political idealogies and anti-war policies.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
I think your column was insulting, and not that funny. The video had alot of potential, but you kind of went with the obvious jokes (just my opinion).
November 5th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
haha thats almost too racist
November 5th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Sorry, that last one was for Pillasch…
November 5th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
lol that was fuckin hilarious, the bill cosby reference killed me!
November 5th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
@CavalierX
You can’t force democracy on people with a gun. They have to want it for themselves. Of course, the whole world would be perfect if everyone acted exactly like America! Screw those cultural nuances and differences in opinion! EVERYONE MUST THINK IN THE EXACT SAME WAY HERP DERP!!!!11
November 5th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
What makes a veteran distiguished? I’m not ripping on you or Phil, or Glendoor 42, I’m just wondering if you know Glendoor’s record?
I would be reticent to stick up for anyone if I didn’t know them. Now before any of you think I’m for or against you, I’m not. I’m simply pointing out something I noticed.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
@ Phil, did you not read my last comment before you went off on your ignorant rant.
1. I received my masters degree before I retired from the military and had two years of a college education before I joined the military.
So you are wrong there.
2. You have no fucking idea what I did in Iraq whether I killed people or not and quite frankly that is none of your fucking business.
3. I’m hiding behind no one, while you’re saying things to me that you would never say to my face all the while hiding behind the internet. If you would care to message me you name and address I would love to discuss this in person, I’m retired with nothing but time on my hands and have the capability to go just about anywhere I want too , but we both know you’re not going to do that, are you, big brave man typing at me on the keyboard
4. I was a Cesarean birth, so I guess I was to stupid crawl out of my mama’s snatch. That’s about the only thing you got right.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
What’s a “homunist”?
November 5th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I thought the video was funny, but everything went on a little too far. I also dislike all the hate for Iraq, we did invade them and all… All in all though I hope at least one soldier has seen this and got some joy out of it, because they deserve all they can get.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS!
WHITEWASHING THE WORLD WILL SOLVE EVERYTHING! PRAISE JEEBUS! FUCK THE POOR! AYN RAND IS TEH SEX! JINGOISM FTW!
November 5th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
926,000,000 dollars spent on that video… who’s laughing now?!!
November 5th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Dear Phil;
This is not the place to call distinguished veterans ugly names. There is no such place. Also, nobody volunteered to go into combat. We were ‘voluntold’ and did so without question. I will now move on and forget that you exist.
Without calling you a dirty name. See how that works?
November 5th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Phil Says: “See this is the problem with foregoing a decent education before joining the armed forces. I refer to you as a complete dumbfuck because you voluntarily went to kill innocent…..”
All the assholes in that video are clapping for you my friend. All for you. Oh and for the quality of this article and its ability to anger the “dumbfuck redneck,” whom it should have brought a bigger smile too than the rest of us. GJ Seanbaby.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
This article was a lot funnier than most of your stuff Seanbaby. Good work.
One thing though, its still bad taste to make the whole thing about iraqis. I mean, yeah, they’re Iraqis, but theres no need to continue to point it out. Over and over. I mean, if these were American recruits, I’d expect them to made fun of, but then would you make blanket statements about americans? (I’m american btw)
Nonetheless, great article. I literally lolled.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
I laughed, I cried. I spit noodles out of my nose and laughed some more. Then by the 66th viewing I was clapping along.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Glendoor42 Wrote: “You on the other hand just called everyone who has spent time in or made a career in the service of the United States Military a dumbfuck redneck.”
See this is the problem with foregoing a decent education before joining the armed forces. I refer to you as a complete dumbfuck because you voluntarily went to kill innocent people in a country that never, EVER, EVER attacked us, but then you’d turn around and talk sh!t about those innocent people and how you’d like to revisit them with a B52 bomber, and in my opinion that makes you a punk ass little coward as well as the definition of pure stupid.
So lets recap, I’m calling you, the drooling idiot who chose to go to Iraq for no good reason whatsoever and then rant about, a complete, pathetic, halfwitted dumbfuck who by all accounts seems to Gawdammed stupid to have ever been able to crawl out of his Mama’s snatch, much less carry an M16. And that comment only applies to you, so don;t try to hide behind any other soldiers you punk ass little bitch.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Way to feed the American superiority complex
November 5th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Jesus Christ, nearly pissed myself laughing. I must be functionally retarded, because I really don’t see how this wasn’t fucking hilarious.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Politics + Internet = it’s like dividing zero, it shouldn’t happen.
Just enjoy the damn article, no one gives a crap about what most of you say about politics.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
They remind me of the kids in the spider house from Ocarina of Time.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Thanks much for this article. As a soldier living in Iraq right now, it’s good to see other people noticed some ridiculous things like that. I had some good lols reading this. For everyone that keeps crying about this article; why the hell did you read it then?… let alone discuss it… There’s not even a need for debate here, you meet these people, you notice that they really are dumb as hell and usually don’t grasp the “small” concepts like gravity, or water flow. To seanbaby: thank you on behalf of my battery; to the people with all of the butthurt: fuck you
November 5th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Umm… Bush isn’t our president anymore.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
@ Lakonislate ” but what I don’t understand is why, if you seem to hate the place and the people so much? Why not just let them suffer under their dictator?”
The President, his cabinet, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and my Superior Officers failed miserably at asking my opinion of whether I wanted to I wanted to go or not.
In other words I took this oath
” I, (NAME), do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.”
I was my duty and my job and that is why I went.
November 5th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
I could watch that video all week. HILARIOUS!! 1..2..3..
November 5th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
I’m all for racist humour, but this has no humour.
I just don’t get it.
and I can see alot of people here are actually more racist than you think.
November 5th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Yeah, because a nation with a population almost the size of California (and a smaller economy) is going to conquer China, America, India, the EU, and Russia and make them their bitches.
*bursts out into laughter*
Getting a little defensive, eh?
eh?
November 5th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
this is further proof that our prezident gorge bush is misleading us americans the iraqians are no threat so why do we invade their country n steal there food???
November 5th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
What I don’t get is that many people seem to regard Iraqi’s as goatfucking morons living in a shithole, but still seem to understand the importance of liberating them from a maniac dictator, helping them rebuild the country and assuring their safety. I can respect someone like glendoor42 for doing an undoubtedly difficult job in an undoubtedly terrible place, but what I don’t understand is why, if you seem to hate the place and the people so much? Why not just let them suffer under their dictator?
The article was pretty funny though. Apart from the lamb sex.
November 5th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
That country will never be secure. Take all the oil. Pull out and nuke the shithole.
Also, Iran.
November 5th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
““with the possible exception of Canada, who as far as I can tell, doesn’t even have a military. Just a guy with a deer rifle.”
Go across the Border into Canada and say that. I gaurantee you will have several new holes in your head the next time you go drinking with your redneck buddies.
Canada=Next World Power”
Well, not really. In general we’re pretty nice and decent as people. Although coming up to and insulting most soldiers who are in the military will most likely be met by laughter.
As for the jackhole Americans who enjoy making fun of us:
There are some of us who take actual pride in the fact that Canada is in reality an extremely effective power when we need to be. Case in point, WW II. We started with less then 7000 people because we didn’t require a massive army. When the call came for war, we had over a million people volunteer, not conscripts, VOLUNTEERS to go and fight.
Also, try not to forget we burned down the White House. Canada is the only country to ever kick the USA’s ass in a war so hard we burned down your President’s house. A lot of people tend to forget that. A lot more joke about just moving in and taking us over. Try not to forget that while we don’t have the right to bare arms, we DO have a shitload of hunters and people who enjoy our way of life. Any war precipitated by the USA would be met with millions of instant soldiers wielding, if nothing else, their own hunting rifles. And let me tell you something you don’t know: Deer are faster then people. So if I can pick off a deer at 200 meters while it’s running, what makes you think YOU have a chance?
November 5th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
An article about a youtube video of Iraqi soldiers fucking up jumping jacks has led to arguments about the war. You fucking idiots.
November 5th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Funny, but considering that the men in that video are the IPs that our troops are training to take over from them, and that no american leaves iraq until those guys can effectively secure the country… isnt this pretty much the morale equivalent of a cinder block to the face?
… i mean wouldn’t YOU be down if your leaving the hellhole of iraq was dependent on those guys being able to run a counter-insurgency?
November 5th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
@Masshole
The simplest way I can explain the differences between mocking white or non-white is as follows:
White men are judged individually and don’t care when someone makes fun of them. They take it in stride.
However, almost every other group of individuals is defined as a group.
I forget who I’m paraphrasing, but when Venus or Serena Williams wins a championship, women (and blacks) are awesome. It isn’t that they are judged to be the best players, it’s that their accomplishments are reflective of their race and gender as a whole.
White males don’t take credit for what other white males have accomplished. For a while, I started a joke stating that Bill Gates should be held up for white men like Tiger Woods and Mia Hamm were for blacks and women.
It’s that other races seem defined by the triumphs of others, and are as a whole judged by these events, which is actually more racist then making jokes about them. Saying women rock because Mia Hamm scored a goal and won a championship is way more demeaning, in my view, then saying “What was she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?”
What’s actually the most racist is all these people coming to the aid of the people being made fun of. Having a white person come out and say these jokes are offensive to blacks or Iraqis is essentially them saying, “Hey, look at this group that can’t defend itself! I’m helping them with an endevor they surely couldn’t manage on their own!” Oddly, nobody speaks up when a white man has been falsely accused of rape. Don’t believe me? Look up what Nancy Grace said during the rape scandal with the Duke Lacrosse players.
Beyond that, they support each other and have too many groups fighting for equality to the point where they are destabilizing themselves. Having Jesse Jackson come running any time someone says “nigger” isn’t actually helping anyone. The reason that word still effects so many people is because he maintains the precedent that it still should. That’s why you can say it to a friend and it doesn’t mean anything. However, once it’s a stranger, stop everything and treat this like a war crime.
So in summation, I’d say that white men don’t get butthurt by jokes because they are required to stand or fall on their own ability, where everyone else gets lumped together like they were too inferior to handle themselves. When you don’t have a support net to help you when you fuck up, you develope a thicker skin to adapt.
November 5th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Once again Seanbaby fails horribly. Other than Men’s Magazine I haven’t read a decent article from this guy. His poor writing is just made worse by the false sense of comedic value he sees in himself. Easily my least favorite of the Cracked columnists.
November 5th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Thanks, Seanbaby - a radiant bright spot of humor in a very dark and dreary day.
Keep ‘em coming.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
“with the possible exception of Canada, who as far as I can tell, doesn’t even have a military. Just a guy with a deer rifle.”
Go across the Border into Canada and say that. I gaurantee you will have several new holes in your head the next time you go drinking with your redneck buddies.
Canada=Next World Power
November 5th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Seriously, Cracked? I honestly haven’t seen an article that I didn’t at least like a *little* bit since I’ve been here. Congratulations on letting this mongoloid ruin that.
“Being Iraqi and doing a jumping jack is like being American and transforming into a dinosaur boat.”
Really? That…that’s humor?
November 5th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
an entire article based on a you tube video of jumping jacks..and i’ve rarely laughed harder at anything on this site. well done you changey homunist.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I laughed so hard my roommate locked out of dorm room. I’m not sure why it was hilarious but it was.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
@HiroAntagonist: Canada is hip-deep in Afghanistan, where one of them scored the longest-distance headshot ever, something like a mile and then some. And they where heavily involved in WWII, except you don’t hear about it since they got slaughtered. Not their fault, the British ordered them into suicide missions much like they used the Scots in WWI.
I think the Iraqis were being shitty on purpose. You can’t fuck up that bad without intent.
” Fuck you and your decadent fairy humping jacks! You will not see my balls flop about today, American homos!”
I’m considering renaming my avatar Impossible Achmed. That dude is a hulking beast waiting to be unleashed on terrorists. There should be an action movie about him skull-fucking every living thing in Pakistan. He’ll do it, too, he’s got the calf strength.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Insurgent humor.
This one sneaked under my mental barbed wire of propriety and correctness and made me laugh despite all my defenses.
Kaboom, Seanbaby.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
The line about the can of snakes made me laugh out loud. This article definitely had some lol moments that got me more than a little, but all in all I think basing a whole article on one single youtube video, no matter how hilarious, is a little weak.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
That was a brilliant article!!!!! And Iraqis and all the others should’ve been left alone to kill each other a long time ago…
November 5th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Anyone who believes that this article is anything short of genius obviously sucks as bad at jumping jacks as the Iraqis.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
I just had my carpets painted too.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
OK, for those who are offended by this- Seriously??? Why is it when we mock Americans, Canadians, or Europeans no-one cares? Do you think it might just be that we either laugh at ourselves or completely ignore it? Why should the rest of the world be any different? For those who find this article racist and offensive, is it your position that non-westerners lack a sense of humor? And that this one article will cause them all to grab weapons and attack us? Jeez… just laugh a little. If it makes you feel any better, I’m English, Irish, and Scottish now living in the US- feel free to mock me in any way, shape, or form.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
This is the funniest article on Cracked that I have EVER SEEN.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Maybe this is why they have suicide bombers?
My own lack of sensitivity aside, great article! It was really funny XD
November 5th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
“If someone died every time an Iraqi person applauded, it would kill fewer people than vitamins.”
that was sheer brilliance man.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
@Doctor Handsome
You sick fuck.
Anyway, this is pure, comedic gold and the backlash makes it better.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Congratulations, this is probably the worst article I’ve read on cracked yet…
November 5th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Next week, the article should be titled “Why chinese people suck at everything but math”.
Then, the intro would continue with that theme, as if the article were going to be about chinese people sucking at stuff.
Immediately after the intro, Seanbaby should just write a lengthy diatribe about how small the penises are on every commenter who is not going to read the article and comment about how Cracked should show some respect and not be racist.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:55 am
@ Sam A ” Now you’re not a coplete dumbfuck are you?”
No, I’m not, for starters I can spell “complete” unlike some other dumbfucks.
Secondly did you read the last part of that comment where I said I volunteered. I spent twenty three some years in the service of my country and damn proud of the fact too.
You on the other hand just called everyone who has spent time in or made a career in the service of the United States Military a dumbfuck redneck.
Really? I pretty sure there is a dumbfuck here , but it sure as hell isn’t me.
If that confuses you dumbfuck, look in the mirror, and that’s the dumbfuck I’m talking about.
For further clarification, because you seem that type that needs it,
that means you dumbfuck.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Incoherent, boring, meh
November 5th, 2009 at 11:42 am
“When the did “screwing up jumping jacks” become synonymous with “brutal invasion by America”? ”
Obviously there are some who believe the Iraqis had no problem doing jumping jacks before America showed up and ruined their coordination or something.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:41 am
I once felt my sister up while she was sleeping.
I feel comfortable admitting that here because I know that no one who matters will ever, ever read these comments.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:37 am
far as i know these are the left-overs of the iraqi job-market, the people to stupid to get hired by any kind of resistance/terrorist-group and make a decent salary.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am
Your countrymen are so bad at jumping jacks…
(How bad are they?)
That Seanbaby wrote an article about it and I couldn’t stop laughing. And everyone lived happily ever after, except for my GPA.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am
I would also say not one of your best, except for this line:
It’s so impossible that when most people watch it, a portal opens next to them and a future version of themselves screams, “I’m too late!”
November 5th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Laughed out loud
November 5th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I am a firm believer that, as a rule, Jumping Jacks are typically funny.
Also, being offended by anything on this site is like being offended at South Park…what’s the point? You know exactly what you’re getting when you go to Cracked… at least the columns section, anyway…. Then again, these are probably the same people that bitch about the factual discrepancies in the Articles section, so… eh, why bother.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:27 am
This was great.
I got a huge laugh out of it.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:05 am
@Phil
Dude, that was priceless. Whether it was intentional or not, that may be the funniest thing I’ve heard today.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I love all the serious political debate and offense this column has evoked. I just need to ask a few things:
Who comes onto Cracked expecting anything besides childish and offensive humor?
Who thinks that debating it with the readers who enjoy this humor is a smart use of their time?
When the did “screwing up jumping jacks” become synonymous with “brutal invasion by America”?
Seriously, how do some of you people get through the day without having an aneurysm pop?
Oh no, Americans have ruined the Iraqis lives! They are bad, let’s go to a comedy website and write comments on an article that vaguely has anything to do with that subject… The flaws of logic in that are astounding. But then again, some of you aren’t playing the same game as the rest of us.
P.S. I wonder how many people will actually understand that last line as opposed to making up their own definition and being offended by it.
November 5th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I can some this one up in one word - “Meh”. Not exactly one of your best, Seanbaby…
November 5th, 2009 at 11:03 am
You idiots, don’t you realize, by mocking the Iraqis, that they are going to attack us…..?
Isn’t that the reason why we started bombing them? Of is it just fuzzy math?
November 5th, 2009 at 11:00 am
What is everyone getting so up in arms about? What you most likely have in Seanbaby is probably just another kike who likes to watch Arabs die at a distance without getting his own hands dirty. No big deal, the world is full of these vermin
November 5th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Glendoor 42 wrote: “I spent a total of six goddamn years of my life in that shitty country and the only way I would go back in in a B-52 loaded to bear.”
Hey Glendoor, I’m sorry but was there a memo sent out 6 years ago to you that said “Dear dumbfuck Redneck, if you’re not doing anything, why not come and spend the next 6 years of your life in Iraq.”
Did I miss that one? Because the last time I checked only a complete halfwit would allow someone else to throw them into a meat grinder and then turn around and blame the meat grinder. Now you’re not a coplete dumbfuck are you?
November 5th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Oh my god seanbaby that article was SICK! Precious few articles have me laughing from the first sentence to the last. Love it. If this article was a chick, I’d put a huge ring on its finger and tongue-polish that vagina until my face was so raw and sore that i need to communicate via a series of eye movements. No one alive would understand me, but that’s okay, i do it for her…
Keep em comin!
November 5th, 2009 at 10:46 am
@CohibaMan: Stop digging, dude, Jesus.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:43 am
SO funneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!! *Silent belly laughs so hard the library table is shaking*
November 5th, 2009 at 10:39 am
@BobDobolina
That’s okay.
I sort of just save my concern and better comments for the opinions of people who actually display some semblance of intelligence. You should try it sometime.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:36 am
@CohibaMan: Nice try, but you’re still a ridiculous sycophant.
A special welcome to CavalierX, who has apparently travelled from the comments section of a warblog in 2004 to be with us today. Ahhh, simpler times, they were.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:30 am
“People in Iraq used to live much better off without America intervening”
I’m guessing you never had a family member fed into an industrial plastic shredder feet-first by Saddam’s sadistic sons. Just a guess.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:23 am
@BobDobolina
Why, you jealous or somethin’?
November 5th, 2009 at 10:21 am
@John R. S
Yes.
Because jumping jacks are complicated like brain surgery or advanced yoga, trainers don’t take the time to demonstrate how to do an exercise in detail before carrying out the exercise, and the military probably doesn’t keep interpreters on hand to facilitate communication with recruits. And it’s not like there is any evidence of people doing the exercise the right way right in front of them.
Oh wait.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:18 am
@ CohibaMan, thank you, but it was my duty and my job.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:18 am
“Sir, you’re a hell of a commentator and I thank you for your service.”
Get your tongue out of his arsehole, man, this is a family site.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:12 am
@glendoor42-
Sir, you’re a hell of a commentator and I thank you for your service. It offends me that people don’t seem to realize that the presence of you folks there is and has been a sacrifice that is contributing to an effort to bring stability and normalcy to an otherwise difficult place to live.
It’s a shame that so many people seem to take the basic rights we enjoy in the westernized democratic world for granted.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Oh and please, everyone take this article for what it is, a humor piece about a bunch of dumbasses, no matter where they’re from that can’t or won’t or don’t care to do jumping jacks for shit.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:10 am
raw recruits that don’t understand the language of the drill instructors = those videos.
I saw the jumping jacks video 2-3 years ago and you have to remember that jumping jacks/pushups/situps arent known around the world as the gold standard(s) of PT
I mean, I understand your confusion that you don’t really have any knowledge of the military but the least you can do is some simple research.
Those people in those videos signed up to try and make their country a better place and to make it easier for the US to leave Iraq, I think they command some respect for at least trying to do something positive for their country at the risk of their lives and the lives of their family.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpwAZQC1Hn0
^ I cite these British troops and their crappy cadence march, it doesn’t mean that they are incompetent, it means that they are training under completely different circumstances.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:05 am
OMG, this was so fucking funny! being high helps, but that aside, this was a masterful article
November 5th, 2009 at 10:05 am
How about everyone listen to people who’ve actually been to Iraq and dealt with the Iraqi military and soldiers, in one form or another.
The people, NO MATTER, what country you’re from and the only opinion you have about Iraq and it’s people ,it’s soldiers and American involvement there, has been formed from by whatever media outlets you frequent, PLEASE continue to comment, they’re getting funnier than the article by the minute.
I spent a total of six goddamn years of my life in that shitty country and the only way I would go back in in a B-52 loaded to bear.
But hey, I’m not bitter, I volunteered.
November 5th, 2009 at 10:03 am
@Arab
“they actually have better lives than most US citizens (because they’re loaded).”
I have to contest that.
Islamic Law prohibits the average person from being loaded in the only way that REALLY matters…
November 5th, 2009 at 10:00 am
If you guys are only here to troll about how stupid these articles are then why the dont you guys get the hell out? No ones here to listen to you whine about how racist some shit is or what not. its called humor. There are many types of it i.e racial humor. Just because its typed on the internet doesnt make it racist you troll ass punks.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:59 am
hahahahah
stupid stuff
offensive yes
but still its funny
I think you should do one about the pakistanis.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:58 am
I agree with Shahnawaz. Besides, this article just strengthens the widespread misconceptions of the Middle East. People in Iraq used to live much better off without America intervening, and believe it or not, they actually have better lives than most US citizens (because they’re loaded).
November 5th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Seanbaby articles aren’t just funny, they also serve an important social function: they provide a kind of Geiger counter for humorlessness. If you failed to notice that the article is self-mocking, deduct fifty Internets from your lifetime score, you are hereby sentenced to one full month of listening to nothing but old Edie Brickell recordings. If you leapt to its defense by moaning about “hippies” and “anti-Americanism” (thus failing to notice that you’re exactly the kind of person the article is really laughing at), deduct one hundred Internets, you are hereby sentenced to spend two full months listening to the “America! Fuck Yeah!” anthem from Team America: World Police on a continuous loop at 120 decibels.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:56 am
@CavalierX
Being a retard doesn’t make someone a leftist… it just makes them a blithering idiot.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Wow… usually I hate Seanbaby… but this was actually funny… and not for the racism, it was actually humourous… I’ll have to change my name…
November 5th, 2009 at 9:55 am
“Thanks a lot for being racist trash”
Iraqi isn’t a race. You might want to rethink that…
November 5th, 2009 at 9:54 am
@Average Cracked Commentator
The level of nuanced satirical sarcasm in your statement belies the fact that you are not in fact who you claim to be.
A more representative comment would have been:
“your a dongtastical fail of a writer seanbaby! lolz i shit funnier stuff than this artical! take your american nazi worship somewhere else! iraqi soldiers are people too!!!”
November 5th, 2009 at 9:52 am
“Apparently, overthrowing brutal dictators and taking the time to establish governments that actually represent their people and making sure they are stable enough not to collapse in the wake of a soft breeze is now a form of “wrongful occupation.””
Leftists sure do love them some dictators, don’t they?
November 5th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Thanks a lot for being racist trash. now I have to find another stupid website (probably written by stupid people like yours) to waste my time on.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Tap Razzmatazz is the greatest name ever.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:46 am
I wish to file a complaint with the column this week of Mr. Seanbaby. As a regular reader of Cracked.com, I expect nothing but the finest in internet satire. I demand numerous references to erect penises, lots and lots of pictures of women with large breasts and ample cleavage on display, and humor at the expense of homosexuals, all within a list-based format.
However, in allowing this colorfully craniumed ponce to make jokes about the athletic abilities of nine men in a foreign country, a line has been crossed. I thought that Cracked.com of all places had the insight to see that nothing is too far in humor, except when it comes to talking about people of other races and nationalities.
I will now proceed to expound on my outrage by repeatedly invoking Godwin’s Law, trying to goad people into political debates that they patently do not give two shits about, disparaging my own countrymen in a manner that allows me to ignore the irony of the situation, and ignoring all attempts by others to point out the cognitive dissonance in my fractured logic of laughing at sexist jokes while finding no humor in a joke at the expense of some Arabs.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:44 am
“either it’s okay to make fun of everything or it’s not okay to make fun of anything”
eat it, haters
November 5th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Screw you, politics. This was fucking FUNNY. Well done, Otherbaby!
November 5th, 2009 at 9:43 am
@CavalierX
Apparently, overthrowing brutal dictators and taking the time to establish governments that actually represent their people and making sure they are stable enough not to collapse in the wake of a soft breeze is now a form of “wrongful occupation.”
November 5th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Judging by some of the comments, I see that the server for the Huffington post is down temporarily. How did some of you people find this website?
It’s humor! fuckin A! go slit your wrists or something you bunch of Emo cock gobblers.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:38 am
“I expected (or atleast hoped) that Cracked writers/editors will have some dignity and humanity ”
Wow, you must be thinking of some other Cracked.
“that their home country wrongfully occupied”
Wow, you must be thinking of some other countries.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Oh come off it you bunch of hippies. “America wrongly occupied” “America started a stupid war” “America is evil.” I mean, for the love of Pete and Pete, I do my best to stay neutral in politics the world over, but I get so sick of hearing all this anti-America speech, as though any other place is any better. Every country throughout time has done stupid things, oppressed minorities, fought in unfair and unneeded wars, with the possible exception of Canada, who as far as I can tell, doesn’t even have a military. Just a guy with a deer rifle.
The point is, we’re a bunch of moronic humans who laugh at other moron humans doing stupid things. If this was the British army doing this to the Americans, you’d be spittin’ tea all over your computer monitor. It’s only when it involves some sort of hot-button topic that the stinkin’ homunist’s start coming out with their big “Blame America” banners.
Good article Seanbaby. Funny stuff.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:33 am
@shahnawaz
So, are you saying that the Iraqis were better with Saddam Hussein in power, whose Ba’athist-controlled military made beatings, torture, rape, and “disappearances” an everyday norm in their society?
Their lives were a mess BEFORE the US invaded and what we’ve been seeing is partially the fallout from that. Strongmen dictators ALWAYS bring the illusion of stability and order, but currents of social dysfunction always underlie that.
The establishment of real stability under an accountable government by outside forces always looks like oppression in the wake of such an environment, at least to those who can’t be bothered to study the facts and examine the nuanced differences. The fact that it’s a slow process compounds the appearances of similarity when none exists. These things take time.
As for the video, there is nothing racist about it. What I saw there was nine guys who, for the life of them, apparently did not want to put in the effort to properly perform the exercise in question the right way. The offensive part is that we NEED them to take their training seriously before US forces can withdraw so as to ensure that their new democratic government can be stable and self-supporting.
Why is this so hard for some of you people to grasp?
November 5th, 2009 at 9:32 am
One of the funniest articles I’ve read ina while, partly because I’v actually seen Iraqis trying to work out
November 5th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Just reread the article after reading the comments and it’s even funnier, more hilarious than the first time. I can’t see why you’re all so serious about this when you all should know that this is Cracked, and nothing is holy.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:21 am
He spelled the name of the site he writes for incorrectly, what the hell. Not that funny of an article, just making fun of uncoordinated kids. I’d give it a 2 out of 10.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Its not funny but rather its insulting.
I expected (or atleast hoped) that Cracked writers/editors will have some dignity and humanity not to make fun of people that their home country wrongfully occupied,and as a direct result of which their entire society and country is destroyed.Each person’s lives ruined.
For the people (cracked staff/readers) who find it funny or say ‘Yeah but its not such a big deal ‘ or its just for ‘comedic purposes’ , ‘they didnt mean to insult them’ etc
If you guys had even spent one single day with your entire family and friends in same insecure and stressful conditions that they face everyday you would have clearly found the real meaning for fun.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:17 am
PDOGG Says:
Unbelievably boring and immature , prepubescent humor at its best . No wonder that this guy calls himself seanbaby . Do you want to know who they should hire? Oscar Wilde, that’s who. Brilliant satire. Absolutely brilliant.
What?……. What do you mean he’s dead? Dead for awhile now? why didn’t anyone call me? This is an outrage! Come Hubert, I’m getting to the bottom of this nonsense.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Unbelievably boring and immature , prepubescent humor at its best . No wonder that this guy calls himself seanbaby .
November 5th, 2009 at 9:00 am
96% of comments below:
HITLER RACIST AMERICA BAD YOU ALL SUCK! LoL
Congratulations, you don’t have to read any farther than this to know the levels of retardation found in the abyss below.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:00 am
@martin
I think ‘homunist’ is short for ‘homosexual communist’. That’s my impression anyway.
@Jakob
“It doesn’t matter if they are prisoners or soldiers, they are serving in an army controlled by an oppressive country which invaded them.”
Funny, the Japanese seem to be doing fine. I mean, since we’re on the subject and all.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:59 am
How i laughed at the incompetent foreigners until i remembered how fat and unfit i am.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:55 am
@rational person who smokes crack;
I looked back here and I see you want to play. But I am not biting. Arguing with you would make me feel no more in the right than slapping a retarded child in the face with a dirty sock full of hot nickels.
If you might take the time and read what I said in my comment, and compare it to what you think I said, you will probably feel like a teen aged girl who just shit diarrhea into her dress at the prom.
I can only guess that you also had a bit of trouble mastering the ‘Jumping Jack’.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:52 am
I’ve been to Iraq. The new Iraqi Army is pathetic as was the old. We(Wasn’t just an American invasion) decimated the conventional military quickly. It is the paramilitary aspect that we Westerners have a problem fighting. It is also impossible to bring peace to a nation that is united against an occupying force.
Also, lol at people comparing the Yanks to Nazis. I don’t like the Yanks, but they are far from the Nazis. Doesn’t mean they are in the right about their intentions, but until they start gassing a certain people, they are not Nazis.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:45 am
This would’ve been funnier if you’d just stuck to the jumpers instead of extending the insults to all Iraqis. That’s a bit fucked up.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:36 am
“and the justification for the iraq war was wmds, not removing saddam hussain”
Maybe you should read the actual Authorization for Use of Military Force Against Iraq that Congress voted into law.
http://www.c-span.org/resources/pdf/hjres114.pdf
November 5th, 2009 at 8:32 am
“you can thank Bremmer & Rumsfeld for disbanding the army once occupation began”
Saddam’s army was rife with corruption and Ba’athists, and was seen as an integral part of his oppression by the Iraqis. Maybe you’re the kind of guy who can believe that the same guys who tortured and raped your family to death last week are the defenders of democracy and justice this week, but the Iraqis learned their skepticism the hard way. The old army HAD to go.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Hahahaha oooh its soo funny…because its soo true! best article yet. Thanks nifty website.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Oh my God, I have tears of mirth! This is absolutely amazing :’D
November 5th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Cute. Not my favorite article, but cute.
Iraqi army…yeah, what a concept. We had a chance to even this shit out a long time ago, but you can thank Bremmer & Rumsfeld for disbanding the army once occupation began. Biggest f’up of the war thus far. Stupid is pissing off a bunch of newly unemployed guys w/ mil-spec hardware and giving them a clear antagonist (us) to engage rather than most sympathizing w/ us as they did in the beginning, getting those checks signed, and keeping their livliehoods. Insurgency pulled many of their numbers and we stretched outselves too thin between the 2 fronts when they could’ve been taking up the slack years ago leaving us to consolidate our assets in Afghanistan…now look.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:18 am
@Lorenzo
There’s nothing “wrong” with American troops. If you’ll recall, American troops actually decimated the Iraqi military in very short order. The actual “invasion war” was over quite quickly. Their continued presence has been a matter of dealing with the aftermath, including rebuilding the government, implementing democratic institutions, fighting a violent insurgency, and training a national defense force capable of making sure it doesn’t all collapse once we leave.
@Jakob
You, sir, are an idiot. If you can’t understand even the most basic and fundamental differences between the United States military and the Nazi-era German military, you are simply incapable of having a rational discussion.
There was not one statement in your comment that had actual substance beyond being empty rhetoric.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:16 am
while i was in the army and overseas in iraq i also witnessed first hand the physical ineptitude of the male iraqi population. this video is not an exageration. good show seanbaby.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Fine work Seanbaby, your articles are always the most original.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:13 am
This is like a step or two away from Achmed The Dead Terrorist or A Wyatt Mann comics but since you’re reviewing a 20 second youtube video its not like quality is to be expected
November 5th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Stop! You had me at steam men…
November 5th, 2009 at 8:13 am
possibly the most hilarious article ever on Cracked (or “Craked.com” as Seanbaby writes in the 2nd paragraph)
as incredibly funny as it was some of these lines come off as pretty racist/cruel… i don’t know…
every German wasn’t a Nazi, every Iraqi isn’t an “Idiot Motherfucker”
November 5th, 2009 at 8:05 am
Haha! Seanbaby, your article really made my day! (:
November 5th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Dear Jack O’Brien / Brian / Whatthefuckever,
Please please FUCKING PLEASE can we not have comments sections anymore!? Or is it just a convenient place to trap all the mental retardation of the internet?
Yours,
Me. (kiss kiss)
November 5th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Dave G. saddam hussain was not a religious lunatic, he was a secular dictator
look up saddam hussains baath party
calling saddam hussain a religious lunatic is like calling stalin a christian crusador
baathism in iraq was a mixture of socialism and communism with free market elements
america is facing so many difficulties in iraq because iraq was governed for decades under a command economy
Russia is a good example, after communism collapsed there everything else also collapsed creating social collapse
and the justification for the iraq war was wmds, not removing saddam hussain
Trying to change recent history makes you look like a fucking idiot
by the way Dave G many americans also hate european style socialism.
November 5th, 2009 at 8:00 am
If someone died every time an Iraqi person applauded, it would kill fewer people than vitamins.
Win!
November 5th, 2009 at 7:55 am
far and away the funniest thing I’ve ever read.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Oh God dammit Redratio1, it’s not racist
November 5th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Loathsome and unfunny.
(I think it says more about the capacity of the instructors than anything else.)
November 5th, 2009 at 7:50 am
This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in months!!! I can always count on Cracked.com…Thanks for making me laugh today…
November 5th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Why are people trying to tell Seanbaby how to write? Seanbaby INVENTED internet humor. That’s like telling Sun Tzu how to kill a man. Anybody who can write a lengthy article reviewing the jumping jack habits of individual Iraqi soldiers deserves nothing less than everyone’s balls on a silver platter.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:45 am
hey rational douche fag,
you know that those goat fuckers are watching youtube videos of perez hilton and saying “wow, americans are all fat lazy flamboyantly gay people.”
shut the fuck up you picked a pretty bad website to over analyze the shit out of. why dont you take your sissy cock-in-mouth “jingoist” bullshit to fox news’ message board…
fucking asshole.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Holy shit, Seanbaby; I laughed so fucking hard I got dizzy.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Funny you should call them Iraqi soldiers, as the sergeants are clearly shouting numbers in English. Propaganda fail. But still a pretty amusing article.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:44 am
@Jakob
I am actually Swiss. Not an American as you might have assumed. I have dual citizenship because my mother is Swiss and My father is an American. I was raised here in Switzerland, but I have also served 4 years in the United States Marine Corps. I spent my child hood here in Geneve, and from the age of 16-23, I lived in the United States.
Having the advantage of seeing the world through 2 sets of eyes, I laugh when I see comments comparing the American to the Germans of World War 2. They don’t want to rule the world. they don’t want to rule Iraq. There is a part of the American way of thinking that believes the rest of the world should be like them. And not the cheeseburger fatty boy part of them either. They simply believe, and I join them in this belief, that murderous dictator should be deposed. They believe that nations that are run by religious lunatics who would stone a woman to death for the crime of being raped should be deposed.
I have been to the camps you speak of Jakob. There is a difference. I hope that you will some day see beyond your fear, and know that it is a good thing to want to free others.
enough serious talk. Ignore everything I just said and quit being a big bitch!
November 5th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Suck dick fuck butt cry laugh slide cunt snail eat shit fall down knee jerk fag balls.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Awesome, completely awesome. I seriously haven’t laughed this hard in a while.
Also, no PC line is crossed as far as I can tell.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:29 am
“It’s so impossible that when most people watch it, a portal opens next to them and a future version of themselves screams, ‘I’m too late!’” Laughed out loud.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:28 am
This is a fine article, and compared to anything George Lopez has done its not racist and is actually funny. Anyhow look theres protographic proof, and the word your all looking for is prejudiced, because due to video evidence we assume all people from Iraq cannot do jumping jacks…wait for the youtube videos to proove us wrong. Maybe they have their own form of jumping jacks like the wiggle fish or something, and if our troops tryed it and a video was sent to Iraq they would have a good laugh as well “Ahmed look at this stupid American, his feet actually leave the ground when he does the wiggle fish!” Im not saying, im just saying
November 5th, 2009 at 7:27 am
I didn’t think it was a racist article until I hit this line:
When a white guy does a jumping jack, he’s all, “I’m effectively doing a jumping jack.” When an Iraqi does a jumping jack, he’s like, “I’m an idiot, motherfucker!”
I thought this article was about Iraqi vs. Americans Jumping-Jack competence.
Reminds me how O’Reilly once mentioned that the Aruba sun is too strong for “American skin”.
Unintentional retardation.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Hahahahahahahaha omfg. I was laughing hysterically throughout this entire article. AMAZING.
Can we have more Craked.com in Association with Captain Freedom and Presented by Seanbaby For-The-Troops YouTube Classic Theater?
November 5th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Thanks to those who’ve pointed out that Iraq is not a race.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:26 am
If you’re offended by this… admit it, you didn’t actually read it.
Hilarity.
Seanbaby. I wanna party with that guy.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Wow this article sucks.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:25 am
@irrational person who has overanalyzed jingoistic comments;
Cant you just laugh without getting your panties in a bunch?
November 5th, 2009 at 7:24 am
I’m guessing “rational person” is from a country whose security is guaranteed by the United States. They are so cute when they get agitated.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:22 am
@ Dave G
It doesn’t matter if they are prisoners or soldiers, they are serving in an army controlled by an oppressive country which invaded them. I know it’s retarded to take up nazism, but I recently visited a the site of a concentration camp where you still could see the racing tracks they had the prisoners run laps and do gymnastics on. Seeing this left a bad taste in my mouth.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Normally I’d think that this was really offensive and terrible, but when you look at the paragraph right before Seanbaby starts detailing what each person is doing, you see some really hilarious stuff.
“While you’ve been over there getting occupied and learning how to move your arms and legs at the same time, we’ve been hard this whole time.”
November 5th, 2009 at 7:18 am
congratulations idiots, you have just overanalyzed a cracked article
i dont think seanbaby is a iraqi hating american
seanbaby knew what he was doing and he proved his point: some americans are jingoistic idiots
also laughing at the iraqis wont bring back the trillion dollar or so wasted in the iraq war
a few fun facts for you idiots”
iraq was never a fundamentalist islamic country, the iraqi political system was based on Baathism which is secular arab socialism
saddam hussains ruling party was called the baath party and saddam was a US ally until 91
so saddam gassing the kurds in the 80s was american supported
also one of the founders of the baathism was a christian
and judging all iraqis based on this video is retarded
if america faced the same difficulties iraq faced for decades prior to the iraq war, america would shit its pants and die
and one last thing, the US dollar is collapsing, so there goes your mighty economy
thank you seanbaby for exposing stupidity
lol
November 5th, 2009 at 7:18 am
@jakob;
These are not prisoners. These are Iraqi’s that are training to serve in their own army and are being trained by Americans.
How dare you demean them as being prisoners in their own country! Invoking Godwins law is the lowest point in any argument. It used to be that the first person to lose the mental part of an argument was the first man to throw a punch. Now it is the first man who has to compare something to nazi’s.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:13 am
So good… I laughed so hard at one point that I choked on my own spit and coughed so hard for so long that I blacked out for a minute.
Now that’s comedy.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:12 am
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say if this were a bunch of american rookies, the article would just be making fun of them and begging America for better recruits. If the article would have been done one way or another regardless of the “jumping jackers” it’s not racist, it’s just satire. and this article, was hysterical.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:10 am
I loved it!!!
@ everyone who is too sensitive to laugh at something like this, just leave and never come back.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Oh, haha. Look at the funny prisoners of war. I bet the nazis laughed as much at the jews they made do stuff like this. Suck a dick, seanbaby.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Brilliant.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:00 am
I’m not saying that this was racist, but just imagine how pissed off any Iraqi would be from reading and seeing this… I on the other hand did find this hilarious.
There’s also a pushup vid, they all look like their either getting ready for submissive buttsex, attempting to do the worm but failing miserably, or fucking the ground or at least something not visible to the naked eye.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:58 am
I never expected to log onto cracked and be made to feel insanely uncomfortable. This post is not cool.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:55 am
Absolutely hilarious. One of the funniest I’ve read.
@Sam, you’re saying that basic recruits are more or less what is shown above? Wouldn’t that be more insulting than the article itself? I’m pretty sure the army doesn’t feel the need to teach basic hand-eye coordination.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:49 am
Iraqi’s and jumping jacks… I would expect no less from a country that still believes that If you cover your eyes nobody can see you…
November 5th, 2009 at 6:48 am
Hey Sam A.,
I went through basic training, and guess what? Nobody looked this retarded. If this video is real (which I’m guessing it’s not) then these people definitely deserve to be laughed at.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:48 am
@ sam A.;
No,
I have seen plenty of new American recruits doing jumping jacks. It is nothing as hilarious as this!!!
Lighten up you sad bastard! This is a humor website. You obviously thought it was a site for developing sensitivity and righting the injustices of the world.
Your mom might be interested in your rant though. try her.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:48 am
Pure solid gold.
“Being Iraqi and doing a jumping jack is like being American and transforming into a dinosaur boat.” - that made me spit milkshake all over my keyboard.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Absolutely awesome. Fine journalisim.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:28 am
Jesus,
another redneck filled rant fest. Hey jagoff have you ever seen what a group of new Platoons looks like when they first start basic training? You halfwits were smart enough to get yourselves stuck in a war that had nothing to do with anything and now you get off laughing at the indigenous population because they’ve never done a jumping jack before?
Look Seanbaby isn’t racist (though I couldn’t say that for half the douche bags I’ve seen post here), he’s just too fucking stupid to realize that if you showed a group of American recruits starting their first days of basic training, the only think you could compare it to would be a combination of the beginning ceremonies of the special Olympics and the infield of a Nascar race somewhere around the 150 lap mark. BTW, going on 8 years and you jackasses have yet to stabilize Afghanistan.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Holy crap, Seanbaby, this is the funniest article on cracked I’ve read in a long time. I am literally crying with laughter, and I’ve only just finished reading Princess Ballet.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:11 am
Lol @ the people screaming racist. In order for it to be racist, he’d have to be slandering a race. Iraqi is not a race. Just tossing that out there.
In anycase, amusing article. Your comics are better then your articles though.
November 5th, 2009 at 6:11 am
Hey now! Bikini Babe is loking pretty good dude!
RT
http://www.private-web.se.tc
November 5th, 2009 at 6:10 am
yes. thats about all i have to say. well, that and, “everybody wang chung toDAY”
November 5th, 2009 at 6:09 am
ITS NOT RACIST IF ITS THE TRUTH. ANYWAY… @ The One Called Doc, if these guys are so generally useless at combat, why is the amry still there fighting a war? from this video it looks like my Jack Russel could easily kill 5 or 6 Iraqies before taken a hit. WTF is wrong with American Soldiers???? haha!
November 5th, 2009 at 6:06 am
What the hell does ‘changey homunists’ mean?
November 5th, 2009 at 6:06 am
I giggled, which is more than I can say for any other article lately, so good show!
November 5th, 2009 at 6:04 am
My dear sweet jesus I was laughing so hard at this. I loved the bigfoot gif, nice touch!!
November 5th, 2009 at 6:00 am
“If someone died every time an Iraqi person applauded, it would kill fewer people than vitamins.”
This line had me rolling. Great stuff!
November 5th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Way to keep up morale! You are America’s new secret weapon,
thanks for another great article. My favorite: like a”..a robot trying to make ice cream inside itself”. I think its my new catch phrase. Great job.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:48 am
that was a good article, good job seanbaby
November 5th, 2009 at 5:37 am
@ Dean : You could call this racists… But you wouldnt if you ever saw these guys in training. They really are quiet pathetic and Seanbaby hits it right on the nose! Infact from what i ready in this article I’ll go as far to say he knows 2 times more about Iraqi culter and life then you do.
@ Seanbaby : Good stuff man! I had to see this crap for 10 months and let me tell you its ALL just like this video. Their combat skills are like that of the villians from any Steven Seagal movie. It kinda of looks impressive at first, but then they trip over air and can’t hit the broad side of a barn!
November 5th, 2009 at 5:32 am
That was brilliant. Anyone who says this is racist is simply suffering from stupidity.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:28 am
that was amazing
November 5th, 2009 at 5:27 am
In my direct experience, Iraqi soldiers are good at being late,( The times I was in Iraq we ran on two times Military time and IPT, Iraqi people time, which basically meant, whenever), thinking a uniform makes you a badass, shitty weapon maintenance, surrendering ( they could give the French lessons) listening to shitty 80’s music, not even good 80’s music and dropping chemical weapons on Kurds until we made them stop. Firing off full clips at pretty much absolutely nothing. ( but boy do they think they look cool doing it) Wearing enough cologne to be a violation of the Geneva Conventions rules of regarding chemical warfare.
Some people may say they were pretty good at making IDEs but that was mostly Iranians and Palestinians doing that for them at first, they did get better at it though.
I could do this all day but to sum up,oderint dum metuant.
Funny article though.
I could do this all day
November 5th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Thats was the worst article ive read on here.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:22 am
Seanbaby, will you please let me have your kids? You don’t even have to be awake. I swear.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:19 am
Seanbaby=Win.
November 5th, 2009 at 5:13 am
fully racist
November 5th, 2009 at 4:39 am
Keep `em coming!
November 5th, 2009 at 4:37 am
This was great. Seanbaby rocks.