As most of you know, Cracked.com is actually my night job. My real job is, and has been for the last several years, Chief Editor in Chief at O’Brien & “Sons” Erotic Fiction Publishing House, where I’ve been overseeing the publishing and distribution of thousands of the most successful Erotic Fiction novels to hit the stands. If you picked up an Erotic Fiction Novel (EroFicNov) over the last decade, chances are it carried the O’Brien & “Sons” label.
As you can imagine, a ton of Erotic Fiction Manuscripts (EroFicMan) have come across my desk over the years, some of it great, some of it not so great. To answer some of the questions I get regularly, and to make my job easier, I’m going to list all the important steps to writing great Erotic Fiction, everything that separates the un-publishable from the publishable. Follow these instructions and, in no time, you’ll write something so great it’ll make The Way of a Man with a Maid look like The Lustful Turk!
Be Original, People!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve rejected the same, stale Erotic Fiction premises (EroFicPre). A pizza delivery guy enters and seduces with a housewife. A rich prince sweeps a poor, delicate woman off of her feet and into his bed. A painter is so overcome with the beauty of his model that he abruptly stops his work and romances her/masturbates in front of her. A vampire and the twins from that Harry Potter movie fuck in a cave, somewhere. A stale premise won’t get your foot in the door, which is why originality is the single most important part of Erotic Fiction.
The Erotic Fiction Community (EroFicCom) is overrun with these premises. Surprise us! Show us something we haven’t seen before, or your Erotic Fiction will live at the bottom of the bargain bucket with the rest of the literary world’s excrement. It’s easy and lazy to say that all of the good premises have been taken. True, the remaining premises don’t immediately lend themselves to Erotic Fiction, but with some creativity, I’m confident that you can make anything sexy!
At the zoo!
Pizza REMOVAL Guy!
(What a twist!)
Erotic Historical Fiction
Erotic SCIENCE Fiction?
Wish Fulfillment
When people buy Erotic Fiction, they’re doing so to live out their sexual fantasies, the kind of fantasies they’re too nervous to ask their real-life partner about. This bears repeating: Erotic Fiction is what the reader cannot get in real life. Understanding this is the key to unlocking success in the publishing world and is, without a doubt, the most important part of Erotic Fiction. So don’t give them what they can get at home, give them something fantastical and amazing, fulfill all of their wildest desires. In the following sample (Autobiography: My Life in Six Butts), we see what, according to my best guess, every average woman craves but doesn’t get at home.
Sample:
Details, People!
While it’s stupid to deny that Erotic Fiction is chiefly about fornicating, it would be dismissive -not to mention detrimental to your writing- to say that it is only about fornicating. Think of Erotic Fiction as a Tootsie Pop. Fornicating is certainly the rich chocolate center that everyone craves, but we still need that thick, delicious shell of candy that accompanies the chocolate/fornicating. And what hides in that shell? Details.
Nobody wants to read about just “two bodies fucking,” they want to know that those two fucking-bodies are attached to fucking-people with hearts and souls (that fuck each other). The reader wants their characters to be real and human which is why details are, hands down, the most important part of Erotic Fiction. Give your characters lives. Who are they? What do they look like? How do they dress? There are only two and a half ways to have sex, and there’s nothing you can do about that. It is in the details where you can get creative and separate your piece of Erotic Fiction from all other competing titles.
Dialogue, People!
Dialogue is the most important part of Erotic Fiction. I know, you want to just rush into the fornicating, but dialogue helps round out your characters and establish the mood. Also, don’t miss an opportunity to have fun! Dialogue is your chance to get creative, get silly, get naughty.
I’ve included several samples from my own work. What follows are a number of lines of dialogue for which I’ve received much critical praise.
“Did somebody order a boner?”
-From A Fistful of Seduction
“Is it me or did it just get boner in here?”
-From The Thunder Strikes 12 at Midnight
“Boner? I barely know her! And, yes, I have a boner.”
-From The Great Gatsby II: Gats ta Git Dat Booty
“On your mark. Bone set. Boner!”
-From Fucked at the Olympics!
“…Yeah? More like ‘Bonercane Katrina,’ and instead of your house I’m going to utterly destroy that vag!”
-From Love in the Time of Post-Disaster New Orleans: A Memoir
Also, let double entendres be your friend. A Double Entendre is when you say one thing but you really mean fucking. Double entendre-laden dialogue, in fiction and in life, is like verbal foreplay and an excellent way to build sexual tension in Erotic Fiction (SexTenEroFic). In the below example from A Sex Day at the Fuck Races, see how Mary and Bort, two relative strangers, speak indirectly about sex through the use of running-themed double entendres.
When In Doubt, Just Write About Two Bodies Fucking
That’s honestly all people want. It’s both the most important and the only essential part of Erotic Fiction.
Sample:
This entry was posted on Friday, October 16th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Genius or Insane? 8 Rejected Cracked Photoshop Entries
Disney to Reboot Mickey Mouse, Internet to Make Fun of Them
My Brief Time as Encyclopedia Brown's Partner
So You Need to Disarm A Chimpanzee
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
November 19th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
I love this, if only all erotic fiction was written this way
November 18th, 2009 at 1:55 am
I liked all the 5 Steps to Writing Successful Erotic Fiction. And the thing is, you’re not that bad at writing.
November 17th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
ahahahahaa tyler, me too. i was just about to say, you don’t even KNOW.
November 17th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
“And they fucked right on the track for a few hours before the police-…”
I lol’d so hard.
November 16th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
two bodies entered and fucked and you loved it.
damn hell i did. LOL kidding what about the usual missing details besides using things like lady juice? sounds more like women piss.
November 15th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
Verily.
November 14th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
4cha /b/ excels at this look at them
November 7th, 2009 at 9:26 am
well it’s hard to think of something original when all the ideas are taken, next youre about the details, sometimes you have the perfect love scene in mind the problem is how are you going to continue it, it’s hard to get a mental block when you have a good idea but you don’t know how to finish it
November 4th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Welcome to Shopping ======== http://www.itemscool.com
Best quality, Best reputation , Best services
With our advanced manufacturing, production lines and well-organized sales networks, we can provide many products, such as apparel, shoes, caps, handbags, etc.
Our goal is “the best quality, best reputation and best services”. Your satisfaction is our main pursue. You can find the best products from us, meeting your different needs.
HOT SELL Product Brand is below:
Nike Air Jordan(1-25)/Jordan Six Ring/Jordan Fusion/Nike Shox/Air Max/AF1/Dunk: $32
Polo/Ed Hardy/Lacoste/Ca/A&F ……T-shirt:
Coach /Gucci/Lv/Ed Hardy/D&G/Fendi ……Handbag:$35
Christian Louboutin/Lv/Ed Hardy/Gucci/Coach/Lacoste/ Timbland……Shoe :$35
True Religion/Coogi/Evisu/Ed Hardy/Prada ……Jeans:$30
New era/Gucci/Ed hardy ……cap : $13
Okely/Coach/D&G/Fendi/Gucci/Armani ……sunglass : $15
Nike shoes: 32 $, True Religion jeans: 30 $, Ed Hardy, t-shirts: 12 $, NFL Jersey: 20 $, Boots UGG: 50 $
November 4th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Tears. Tears of joy and passion flowed down my cheeks as I read about two bodies fucking.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Verily hilarious, as always.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 am
*Ass Laser Sounds*
frikkin’ killed me!
nice going, this helped a lot.
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:31 am
“-From Love in the Time of Post-Disaster New Orleans: A Memoir”
you kill me dude.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Man, you kill me every time!!! Somewhere between erotic science fiction and dialogue, my fucking lungs collapsed from all the laughing (it’s 5:26 am, and you can hear me like 4 blocks away). And the thing is, you’re not that bad at writing shit (serious fiction) AND you’re funny as hell! You should totally go all the way through with some book, and publish the shit out of it! It could be a big fucking hit, you never now…
October 28th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
wanna watch free adults movies or naked pics?? pls check out for
free__ClassyMingle.c o m__ . Wanna find your sexy partner easier and more
effective?? Check out for free: –ClassyMingle.c o m–where you can meet
the wealthy singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs. What are you
waiting for? Find your sexy partner and hot movies NOW ! You will love it!
October 26th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
[...] excerpt (From Cracked) [...]
October 25th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
raw shameless mustard
I love you DOB!
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:57 am
“and then they fucked right on the track for a few hours before the police”
Epic.
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:16 pm
the historical fiction was fucking epic. O’Brien you are amazing. Anybody who hasn’t read his “bartender” blog: read it. Read the fuck out of it.
http://obrienfiction.blogspot.com/2007/04/prologue.html
October 22nd, 2009 at 11:35 am
I liked “A Sex Day at the Fuck Races”, and liked it even more when I realized that Bort is a horse and Mary a woman.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:17 am
Yeah? More like Bonercane Katrina, and instead of your house, I’m gonna destroy that vag.
Hands down the funniest thing Ive ever heard. hahahaha
October 21st, 2009 at 5:54 pm
It’s the “and you loved it” part that made the last bit make me piss myself.
October 20th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
‘Two bodies entered and fucked and you loved it.’
Best erotic fiction story EVER.
October 20th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I laughed until I cried. Best thing I’ve read all year!
October 20th, 2009 at 11:45 am
“and then they fucked right on the track for a few hours before the police”
died right about there
October 20th, 2009 at 4:08 am
DOB…do me. Right now.
October 20th, 2009 at 12:29 am
__ClassyMingle.com__ is the best and largest online personals site dedicated to men and women seeking a higher caliber online dating experience.
Our clients include CEOs, Professional Athletes, Doctors, Lawyers, Investors, Entrepreneurs, Beauty Queens, Fitness Models, and Hollywood Celebrities,
just to name a few .Everyone is welcome here. You don’t have to be wealthy or famous.
October 19th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Here’s the deal DOB, I would like to have chimpanzee sex with you and your amazing penis, what steps do I need to take to make that happen? (Here’s where something funny goes, but dammit all if I’m just not to distracted by the thought of dancing boners…)
October 19th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
You (by which I mean Cracked) could write an article about famous people who have, in their time, written erotic novels. Bob Monkhouse did it, but I doubt you’ve heard of him given that he’s an English comedian who was famous roughly between 1955 and 1975. I think there was another one, though. As you can see, this is why I’m not rushing to write this article myself. By the way, A Sex Day At The Fuck Races and The Great Gatsby II: Gats To Git Dat Booty are both fantastic names.
October 19th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Tell me the guy was named Bort after Itchy and Scratchy Land. “Emergency, need more Bort license plates!”
October 19th, 2009 at 9:22 am
lmao, and then they fucked for a few hours until the police…
we are all out of bort licence plates, i repeat, we are all out of bort licence plates!
October 19th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Playboy! YES!!! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
I’m gonna stick those pages together my friends!!!
October 18th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
God, I love this guy…
October 18th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
ROFL @ Bort. I see what you did thar.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:22 am
before the police what?? Why’re you leaving us out like that?! Damn, that was excellent advice Mr. Dan, especially about the detail. It’s all about the DETAIL… and the author referring to readers as ‘you guys’ hahaha brilliant.
October 18th, 2009 at 8:25 am
The GREAT GATSBY 2? Gats to git dat booty?? really?
October 18th, 2009 at 6:43 am
…Weird.
October 18th, 2009 at 12:55 am
[...] I Helped Richard Heene Plan a Balloon Hoax 22 Versions Of The Super Mario Bros. Theme 5 Steps to Writing Successful Erotic Fiction 25 Amazing Ancient Beasts 8 Breathtaking Cloud Formations The 22 Least Necessary Monopoly Special [...]
October 18th, 2009 at 12:12 am
Dan, I loved your book, The DaVinci Code. Especially the chapter with the nuns and the pizza delivery boy.
October 17th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
Great story! I’m still laughing!
October 17th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
[...] has a funny post about the art of writing erotic fiction. Same rules apply for softcore films and [...]
October 17th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
I loved the historical erotic fiction. Because Thomas Jefferson was exactly like that! You captured him perfectly.
October 17th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
the bort part had me laughing so hard i was actually crying. i can’t remember that happening before
October 17th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
I haven’t laughed so hard in a while! Thanks for that, Dan!
October 17th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __ AgelessFriends.com __ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 17th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
lol Dan’s always good - this made me giggle. esp since i sadly read so many of these writing slef-help thingers.
Bravo
October 17th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
DOB’s Erotic Fiction FTW (DanOBrEroFicForTheWin)
October 17th, 2009 at 9:29 am
meh
October 17th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Wanna find a tall partner???
Here is a very nice community ——– Tallfinder (com) ———It’s where Tall people looking for someone to enjoy their lifestyle with. Come in and stay a while. Complete your profile. Post a message, a picture of yourself and check out the photo galleries. You will find someone you like here…
October 17th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Dan is my favorite columnist! i know youre out there dan! i will find youuuuuu!
October 17th, 2009 at 6:49 am
What does an ass laser sound like?! I NEED TO KNOW!
October 17th, 2009 at 4:16 am
O’Brien & “Sons” Erotic Fiction Publishing House?!
Does that mean Enter the Dragon is really going to happen?
October 17th, 2009 at 3:33 am
DOB, I love you. Seriously. You are a genius.
October 17th, 2009 at 2:54 am
–>“Is it me or did it just get boner in here?”<–
This made me lol so hard I inhaled some peanut bits from my candied apple right into my trachea. I have a friend in the hospital who says he’s going to use that line the next time the pharmacist comes into his room. I can’t wait to hear the results.
October 17th, 2009 at 1:29 am
This was seriously the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. And I wish I’d studied ‘Gats To Git Dat Booty’ instead of the original Gatsby. You think you could fill in that gap in the first one for me and prevent the education system from cramming it down our throats as clever writing?
LOVE YOU DOB
October 17th, 2009 at 1:06 am
OMG, that passage about him and the girl in the dark jeans had me LMAO with tears… great article.
October 17th, 2009 at 12:45 am
I could hear the ass laser sounds right off. That’s vivid writing.
October 16th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Am I the only one that when reading about Bort initially thought it was a story about horses?
October 16th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Really guys, like this article was great. Like, you don’t even know. And it’s weird because you think you know, but you don’t know that DOB is awesome.
October 16th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
hotnanny.blogstpot.com
October 16th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
“… before the police”
haha, just that part. great article.
October 16th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Genius article.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
There were many instances of me crying with laughter at that. Bravo, DOB.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
My dream is to write a successful piece of erotic fiction for women that focuses on anal.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
I’m as horny as a squid on tuesday!
October 16th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
dammit. Now I really want pizza…
October 16th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
SO much win, I’m literally wiping piles of win off my keyboard. The pictures KILL, as they always do.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Haha.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
There was a soft knock on the door, as if the person who was knocking had painful knuckles and so couldn’t knock very hard in case it hurt to much. Then came a much harder knock on the door, as if the person had a huge boner and used the boner to knock because his knuckles hurt to much.
“Come it,” Pizzacat called out, in a voice that was a mad mixture of dying cat and stale pizza. She could have gotten up to answer the door, I mean the couch she was sitting on was only 5 feet from the door, but she was on probation from trying to break the law of gravity.
With a creaking sound that only rusty door hinges and hungry babies can make, the door swung open. Standing in the doorway was a god of gods! It was the pizza and pet supplies delivery man and he had a massively big boner that made the front of his pants bulge out like an ant hill, not the small ant hills you see in your front yard, but those really fucking big ones you see in the movies. Except it was a boner hill and their was no ants, however there could have been some crabs.
“I am here,” he said in a sexy voice that sounding a bit like Darth Vader and a bit like DOB, “to make a delivery, with my penis.”
Pizzacat gasped like a fish out of water who was about to be eaten by a collage frat guy who had to many beers. “I want the pizza and the pet supplies, but get that boner away from me! I AM NOT A SEX OBJECT!!”
October 16th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Pizzacat is just bitter that I never called her the next day.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
You just fucking rock DOB. Don’t stop man.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
I was just thinking the same thing about the overuse of “you don’t even know, guys”
but other than that, DOB, I so love you.
October 16th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
This was fucking amazing. Hands down you are my favorite writer on this site.
October 16th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
this shit is money.
Man DOB usually hits about a 7
(whereas SeanBaby avgs 6,
Swaim 9,
and D Wong 10)
but this shit was thoroughly humorous
October 16th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Pizzacat’s back? I thought I told you to get back in the kitchen.
October 16th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
This is beyond awesome. DOB is the greatest.
I laughed so hard at the “And then they fucked right on the track for a few hours before the police….”
October 16th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I was literally rofl even before Steven suggested that Mary was a horse.
Too many awesome lines to quote one.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Hey pizzacat, that’s all you women are. Go keep that pussy warm for the superior sex you stupid cow. If it was up to me, women wouldn’t be allowed to do anything except cook, clean and fuck, maybe a combination of the 3, but that’s it. Now go make me a sex sandwich and clean you useless sex object.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
“Raw, shameless mustard”. I literally laughed out loud.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
We should totally have a cracked Written Eroticathon! I’d love to read the twisted stuff that my fellow Crackpots would come up with
October 16th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Well done. Now to sexy up my memoires.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Thia is great advise for the Calvin/Hobbes lemon I’m writing.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Pizzacat, you do realise this article treats men like sex objects aswell, don’t you?
October 16th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
6. Write it about Pizzacat, just to see what happens
October 16th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Aww, that was really good. I enjoyed it as much as that article seanbaby did yesterday about men’s magazines.
You two must fight now to win the title of King of Cracked.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
DOB, i want our bodies to fuck.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
The punchline was a killer one. Good job DOB.
October 16th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Pizzacat, I will support you and your dumb out of place argument when you support DOB and my boner.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Hi Dan.
I’m a big fan, and you can do whatever you want with your articles obviously, but the “you don’t even know” thing is going to get stale very soon. I do think it’s funny, but you’ve used it several times recently. If it’s going to retain any impact for people who read all your articles, you’ll have to excercise some restraint.
Your friend,
Swaimfan.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
I think what kills me about this one — even more than the ridiculously funny samples — is how much *good* advice is in here. That’s. Well, that’s actually terrifying! *heart*
October 16th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Well, there’s finally something from DOB I can say I liked all the way through, and that’s a surprise.
Still, this one, while a bit unnecessarily crude in a couple of places, was largely creative and humorous. There were a few places that I actually laughed at. Such as the George Washington/Thomas Jefferson bit. Now that was amusing.
I also liked the last thing, the “Two bodies” part.
about pizzacat: She has a good intention, but, like most people who attempt to display their causes politically, she misapplies it. Also she largely is just annoying without actually being helpful, one of those idiots who think if they scream loudly enough and hear nothing, we’ll eventually agree with them, like Rush Limbaugh.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
George Washington EroFic… DOB, I love you.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
effin sweet
October 16th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I always found the most hilarious erotic fiction to be the Slash stuff, which if memory serves started with the K/S fic of the late seventies, which in turn was an acronym for “Kirk” / “Spock” in which Kirk and Spock would always get it on. I think pretty you can pretty much find slash lit for any fandom now; Harry Potter, BSG, Lost, etc.. Ironically, I’m sure you can find Slash fiction for the new Star Trek movie. I wonder if they’ve updated it for the new actors (”Spock, who looked like the guy from lost grabbed Kirk, who looked like Matt Damon’s stand in from behind…”). I suppose the ultimate slash fiction would be some Disney slash… oh wait. That’s been done. http://bit.ly/2Wn6JY
October 16th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
What if I write a piece of erotic fiction that ends with a scorpion toss? (Ooh, flashback humor!)
Also, I am keeping the JPG of the “two bodies entered” excerpt forever.
October 16th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
PizzaCat says: “lets all treat women like sex objects…”
I can live with that.
October 16th, 2009 at 11:56 am
All amusing, but I actually snorted out loud when I read this title:
The Great Gatsby II: Gats ta Git Dat Booty
October 16th, 2009 at 11:54 am
I gots a funny boner.
October 16th, 2009 at 11:42 am
“Before the race even starts” hahaha
October 16th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Grand Finale.
October 16th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Ehh, it was alright. I loved the last line.
October 16th, 2009 at 11:11 am
“…and his junk was, like, so big you guys, I swear to God, like, you don’t even know.”
Awesome
October 16th, 2009 at 11:01 am
[EroFicGen]
October 16th, 2009 at 10:51 am
ass laser sounds.
fuck. yes.
October 16th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Genius!
October 16th, 2009 at 10:48 am
“…Yeah? More like ‘Bonercane Katrina,’ and instead of your house I’m going to utterly destroy that vag!”
“Yo” Jefferson said.
This is why I love you, D.O.B. So, so much.
Lmfao fucking awesome article man
October 16th, 2009 at 10:25 am
“Not at all”…”but im ok with dropping out of the race after about two laps and still calling it a personal victory. By that time, i wont care if your still running, or if you even finish, for that matter.” Bahahahahah!
Great article, loved it!
October 16th, 2009 at 10:24 am
“The Great Gatsby II: Gats ta Git Dat Booty”
Pure fucking gold.
October 16th, 2009 at 10:09 am
“Boner? I barely know her! And, yes, I have a boner.”
-From The Great Gatsby II: Gats ta Git Dat Booty
the lulz just keep on coming
October 16th, 2009 at 10:03 am
oh… my… god… i’m in the library at school, and it was ALL I COULD DO to keep from convulsing with laughter. pure gold, and in so many places, too. i thought i had reached the high point with the washington/jefferson thing, but it only got even better. verily.
October 16th, 2009 at 9:58 am
I like how pizzacat has replaced doctorchaos as the new perennial troll on here.
October 16th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Not all that funny. Seems like you’re trying too hard and your articles are just too samey.
October 16th, 2009 at 9:38 am
DOB, this maybe your best one yet. Or, should I say, “This maybe your best BONER yet!”?
October 16th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Amazing! Laughing out loud at work is bad though for me….can I get a job there at Cracked? That seems like a good place to laugh at work.
October 16th, 2009 at 9:23 am
ahahahaha i am trying my best to share this with the world right now
October 16th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Funny as hell
@ Steven - I thought the same about the one-sided convo, had to re-read it. “Bort smirked…” should’ve been on a new line, indented…but grammarnazi would know more about that than me.
October 16th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
October 16th, 2009 at 9:10 am
pizzacat, your attempt to start an argument as a comment troll fails. All the women depicted are NOT REAL. Get over yourself as a “slightly overweight lesbian” and take a good long hard look at reality.
Women have a sexual urge too, you know, I should know, being one. Just because you don’t feel that strong sexual urge and your hatred towards men turned you to the softness of a woman’s more sensitive love doesn’t mean you have to rush to every ‘helpless sexually objectified’ woman’s rescue.
ALOT women DO have sex because they want to, and these erotic fictions are PRIMARY bought and read by WOMEN.
My mother has TONS. Which I have enjoyed as well. So shut it.
October 16th, 2009 at 9:02 am
ass laser sounds… awesome
October 16th, 2009 at 8:49 am
Dan, you’ve always been one of my faves on here, and this is the best work you’ve done since I witnessed the great Chuck Noirish. Keep the good stuff coming.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:38 am
SOO funny, the ‘muumuu’ thing was hilarious xD
haha! nice work
October 16th, 2009 at 8:30 am
I LOOOVED this! So far best Cracked article ….I can’t stop laughing …I actually want to read one of these …eroticas
Win!
October 16th, 2009 at 8:25 am
[...] 5 Steps to Writing Successful Erotic Fiction [...]
October 16th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Yeah I have to say, A Sex Day at the Fuck Races is making me cry right now.
I also really got a kick out of “her boobs were in all the right places” LOL, yes!
October 16th, 2009 at 8:18 am
I laughed until I shot sticky humor-goo all over my keyboard. Seriously, it’s everywhere. Well, some would call it “snot,” but regardless, there it is.
“Three-to-four minutes of solid under-the-sheets fornicating” for the win.
Oh, and Pizzacat? You really need to relax. Not ALL humor is a thinly veiled plot to subjugate women.
Really, I’d say it’s more like 50 percent - 65, tops.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:10 am
@pizzacat
????
You mean they can do other things too!?!
October 16th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Make a $500 a DAY. NO BS.
Learn for FREE. Yes! FREE!
Just enter some informations,Email address Livechat and quality suggestion.
Visit ___Sugarloves-C O M
October 16th, 2009 at 7:58 am
She rose at half-time, yet it was ALL time; the turf opened up and a pedestal of glazzing, reflective
glass caught laserbeam lights from the Budweiser Blimp and infinite popping camera flashes from the roaring sea of the football grandstands.
Only seconds before she had been on the couch beside hubby wearing an uber-sized potato chip bowl upon his dome shaped belly. Electical impulses emanated from the extra-wide television caressing her toes, washing her ankles in a come-hither delight. Her eyes relaxed and she scoped through eyelashes that were silhouetted against tinseltown luminescence, the throbbing light pulsations beckoning hypnotically to bring forth her own fantasy images.
And here she was. The pedestal rose and her garments were sheer. A warm waft of air penetrated all around and she felt free, she was open, she was beautiful and the crowd loved her.
She threw out a Marilyn Monroe kiss and her arms opened up to the sky as if to gather the world to her bosom. She was beautiful, she was free, she was open.
The crowd roared and could not get enough. They flashed and their cameras popped.
From a cavern at one end of the stadium, a triumphal entrance. All the major hottie quarterbacks came
charging with their boundless wild stallion energy. There was Tom Brady and Tony Romo, followed by…Tom Brady and Tony Romo AGAIN. Tom and Tony, Tony and Tom - a whole chorus line. From the other end of the stadium - more (!) fantasy! Her mind was free to imagine, it ran free with the stallions.
The crowd cheered even LOUDER, it was tooooo much! She was beautiful, she was free, she was open and
her imagination was mounted upon wild running stallions! From the other end of the stadium came every conceivable mascot! There was Big Red, Sir Purr, Rowdy and Roary… Some jumped as they ran upon the field, some tumbled, some waddled. They were furry and feathery, hard and soft, cuddly and strong and
they danced as they ran towards her. She was worshipped, and everyone cheered and roared. Which would she choose? To the left was the line of Toms and Tonys, to her right were the prancing mascots. Which would she…
Her hubby stood up from the couch, two large potato chips clung to his tee shirt like the last of balding feathers. “I’m going upstairs for a brew. What do you want?”
October 16th, 2009 at 7:54 am
The historical fiction sample was, to use a cliche, made of solid win. Good one.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:51 am
I lost it at “A Sex Day at the Fuck Races”…still laughing as I am typing it in here.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:42 am
DOB -
I pray to you every night and every morning. You are God.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:40 am
I fell out of my chair reading the George Washington letter. Funniest thing I’ve read all week.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:38 am
“and then they fucked right on the track for a few hours before the police…”
Just awesome
October 16th, 2009 at 7:34 am
[...] 5 Steps To Writing Successful Erotic Fiction. [...]
October 16th, 2009 at 7:32 am
pizzacat… from girl to girl, my sister: You can go fornicate yourself with that stick you need to pull out of your ass.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:22 am
shit.
… most important *ingredient* for…
October 16th, 2009 at 7:21 am
“Great Gatsby 2: Gats Ta Git Dat Booty” is one of the greatest things ever conceived. What an epic, epic win. Congratulations on that.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Dan, I can’t believe you forgot the most important for writing Cracked Erotic Fiction (CrackEroFic).
The lengthy, detailed description of your rock hard abs!
Friggin’ tease.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:09 am
“A Double Entendre is when you say one thing but you really mean fucking”- finally a definition of this word that I can understand.
October 16th, 2009 at 7:00 am
Lol at Bort. One of the best Simpsons jokes ever.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:56 am
I masturbated while I was reading this article.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Fuck You Pizzacat!
October 16th, 2009 at 6:44 am
It’s like a more in depth Peterotica devoid of Fox censors. Nj.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:36 am
“Two bodies entered and fucked and you loved it.”
Laughed so hard I spat coffee!
October 16th, 2009 at 6:31 am
I thought your day job was Shia LaBeouf look a like.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:23 am
“The Great Gatsby 2: Gats ta Git Dat Booty”
WIN.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:22 am
I CAME!
October 16th, 2009 at 6:09 am
Not enough pictures; needs more visual aids.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:09 am
I can’t be the only one who thought Mary was a horse, right? Also, Bort seems to have a one-sided conversation… I can’t figure out if this is intentional or just typos… my head hurts.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Dan,
You owe me a new laptop keyboard. My old one didn’t much appreciate the Long Island iced tea I just sprayed on it from my nose.
October 16th, 2009 at 6:07 am
“and then they fucked right on the track for a few hours before the police…”
before the police did what o’brien?
October 16th, 2009 at 6:01 am
I am sweaty with arousal
October 16th, 2009 at 5:56 am
“From The Great Gatsby II: Gats ta Git Dat Booty”
Fucking brilliant
October 16th, 2009 at 5:43 am
“two bodies entered and fucked and you loved it”
that’s all i need
October 16th, 2009 at 5:37 am
is it very silly to point out that it’s even funnier to me because the short for fiction “fic” is exactly the pronounciation of the german word for “fuck”…? all the abbreviations just get extremely hilarious if i say them out loud.
October 16th, 2009 at 5:37 am
Sorry, Dan, but punctuation always goes inside the quotation mark unless there’s a parenthetical citation.
October 16th, 2009 at 5:33 am
yeah let’s all treat women like sex object…
October 16th, 2009 at 5:32 am
And also, for the love of Christ, put your punctuation outside of your quotes.
October 16th, 2009 at 5:32 am
I stopped breathing at “The Great Gatsby 2: Gats ta Git Dat Booty”
October 16th, 2009 at 4:56 am
great gatsby II, huh? i think fitzgerald would have wanted it that way. good stuff.
October 16th, 2009 at 4:42 am
From The Great Gatsby II: Gats ta Git Dat Booty
*dead*
October 16th, 2009 at 4:41 am
Considering I’m trying to write more mature stories for my fanfic fans…I think I’ll use some of this, but the majority will come from what I’ve observed in other popular stories.
October 16th, 2009 at 4:40 am
…and then I fucked Dan O’Brien and lo, it was good
October 16th, 2009 at 4:37 am
For fuck sake man TEACH ME!!!
October 16th, 2009 at 4:35 am
DOB wrote some erotic fiction (EroFic). shit was so cash.
October 16th, 2009 at 4:26 am
wanna recognize more hot girls, you can log on _____Meet Wealthy com_____ where you can meet many hot friends including some celebrities, talking with them online, you cant expect more, where amazing happen!! awesome_-
October 16th, 2009 at 4:23 am
Ass laser sounds!
October 16th, 2009 at 4:21 am
lemmie have a go.
“there was two people. and they totally fucked, in all kinda of ways. I mean seriously. Then one of them grew a tentacle. (this is Japanese, i should have warned. sorry) and some tentacles went in places.
oh and you loved it, you masturbated to it. so did you mum.”
I can has check now?
October 16th, 2009 at 4:14 am
I laughed.
Hard.
All way long.
Rrrrrr
October 16th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Awesome.
October 16th, 2009 at 3:51 am
At the bottom of the dialogue.
“And then they fucked right on the track for a few hours before the police…”
I want to hear the rest of that sentence. Joined in? Tased the fuck out of them?