The big brass at Cracked have been on me to cover the new Jay Leno Show for a while now. Their argument was that Cracked is a humor site and therefore needed to cover any and everything related to comedy. I agreed sincerely, I just didn’t know what Jay Leno’s new show had to do with that. Words were thrown around. Words like “contractual obligation,” for example and, long story short, I watched a bunch of Jay Leno this week.
Now, if you’re like me, whenever you’re watching something that isn’t A) funny B) porn or C) The Dark Knight, you have no idea what to do with yourself. I mean, the rules for how to watch most comedy shows are pretty simple (”laugh”) but The Jay Leno Show isn’t like most comedies, and it certainly isn’t The Dark Knight, and I’m almost positive it’s not porn. So, if you are for some reason forced to watch The Jay Leno Show, how do you do it? Well, here are a few ways.
The Jay Leno Show Drinking Game
There’s really one rule for The Jay Leno Show Drinking Game.
Honestly I don’t know what could possibly even be in that box, but there you go, it’s a game. I tried it out last Tuesday with the intention of documenting my experience for you, the Cracked audience. I was found by my landlord Wednesday morning, absolutely destroyed by alcohol poisoning (the paramedics said there was more Jameson than blood in my veins). Apparently I passed out around 10:08pm and when I blew into a breathalyzer I got an infinity symbol, even though it was the next morning.
Don’t play The Jay Leno Show Drinking Game, is my point.
The Puppy Torture/Mindwipe Showdown
The Puppy Torture/Mindwipe Showdown is a method I’ve personally employed for a while now. It is, to date, the most effective way to evaluate the merits of jokes, regardless of how unorthodox it may at first seem. The way it works is simple: Consider this puppy.
What a tired little man you are!
Think about that puppy. Really take him in, he’s got a whole life ahead of himself. Hopes, dreams. For the sake of argument, let’s say that he coos when he gets his belly rubbed and that he loves you unconditionally.
Good.
Now, whenever you hear a crappy “joke,” consider what terrible, heinous and previously unthinkable violent crimes you’d commit on that puppy if it meant that you could un-know the joke, as if the joke was wiped from your mind completely. Some jokes are bad, but not so bad that you’d strangle this puppy if it meant un-knowing them. Other jokes, conversely, are. Make sense? Great.
Using the Puppy Torture/Mindwipe Showdown Method during The Jay Leno Show is a nice way to pass the time while you’re not laughing.
Huh. I guess that’s a joke. Sort of calls out Obama for his use of social networking and new technology. Doesn’t totally make me laugh in any way, and it’s particularly disappointing that he gets paid millions of dollars, has a staff of writers and he opened the show with this joke.
I guess I’d probably let that puppy go a day without food, if it meant the mark of that joke was stripped from my memory.
This is such a typical Leno thing to do, and it’s so aggravating. That’s not a joke. It’s not a joke, it’s just an observation, and it isn’t even a sharp observation. Pointing out that people would lie to the DEA about drug use is exactly the observation that any moron off the street would make, that’s the immediate reaction. There’s no effort in that, no work, no thought, no connection is made. The audience is only clapping because Leno’s echoing their immediate, knee-jerk primate response to the set up. They’re just letting their hands shout “I ALSO THOUGHT THAT.”
I might be OK with breaking at least two of that puppy’s legs.
Well that was pretty awful. But something stuck out to me, the whole scene felt very familiar. I thought back to the night before, my most recent run in with near-death with The Jay Leno Drinking Game. Something about this joke felt vaguely reminiscent. So I went to NBC.com and rewatched Tuesday night’s episode. Check out this joke from Tuesday’s monologue.
Same headline, same weak-ass butt jokes. Goddammit, if you’re going to spend two days milking the same freaking news story, at least make decent jokes out of it. I can understand resurrecting a headline for the sake of making an awesome joke, but “Ass Qaeda”? Really? You just had to get that out of your system. You finished Tuesday night’s show and then thought “Oh, shit, I should have said Ass Qaeda. We’ve got to go back!” Your show is on daily. What’s the logic in being out-of-touch and a day behind?
And, Jesus, Kevin, what the hell’s the matter with you? You almost never talk and, when you do, you only want to talk about ass bombs. Seriously, those were like the only times Kevin really wanted to speak up, and those were the only things he said. What the hell, man?
Anyway, that joke was a shithouse. I shaved the puppy bald and shoved it into traffic.
Yeah, give me the gun, or the shovel or a scorpion or whatever. Whatever it takes, I will end that puppy. I’ll make it slow and I will feel nothing.
Speaking of milking a headline, Leno’s crammed a minimum of three Polanski jokes into every single monologue every day this week, and they’re typically just as strong as the one above. My problem with his Polanski jokes is that there’s just no thought to them. It’s like he gets a Google News Alert every time the words “sex offender” are used, reads whatever headline pops up out loud and then mumbles “Roman Polanski,” as if saying two vaguely related things near each other in a sentence is the same as saying a joke.
-”Have you heard this, have you seen this? I read that a convicted pedophile in Detroit hung himself in his cell. I wonder how Roman Polanski feels about that!”
-”Oh this is interesting, true story. The world’s fattest sexual predator was released from prison today. But not the world’s Roman Polanskiest predator!”
-”Mumblemumble child pornography grumblegrumble POLANSKI, amiright?!”
The puppy in this imaginary joke showdown took its own life in the hopes that all of Leno’s Polanksi jokes would be wiped from the world’s memory.
Useless Daydreaming
Oddly enough, the Useless Daydreaming Method of watching The Jay Leno Show is actually more depressing than the puppy torture thing. With Useless Daydreaming, you get to sit back and think about how great it would be if someone else had Jay’s job…
You know who’d make a great talk show host? Norm MacDonald. If someone gave Norm an hour-long talk show every night, I guarantee you he’d make straight-up magic.
No one is more aware of cliches than Norm MacDonald, and no one is better at flipping and deconstructing them. He’d mess with all the stale conventions that modern late night talk show hosts for some reason feel forced to use, he’d have the best guests, because everyone in comedy loves him, and I bet he could put on some decent skits, too. He wouldn’t let a bunch of celebrities pointlessly and heartlessly plug whatever project they were working on, he just wouldn’t allow it, because he can’t even give a shit. So many late night hosts try to ape a late night host of the past, like they’re afraid of doing something new. But Norm MacDonald, man, he would tear shit up. Everyone just think about it, right now, think about what a Norm MacDonald-hosted talk show would be like.
Yeah.
Ooh, also I’d love it if Bob Newhart had a talk show.
Sigh.
Oh, also, speaking of things that are better than Jay Leno, I’d like to point something out. Let’s imagine, for a moment, that The Jay Leno Show always occupied the 10pm-11pm timeslot. Let’s just pretend that, for a second. If NBC had always devoted an hour every weekday at 10:00pm (and this is just a small sample), the following shows would not have aired:
Medium
Life
Law and Order
Law and Order: SVU
Friday Night Lights
ER
Makes you think about what shows today aren’t getting a chance while we make room for Leno.
Watch Something Else
Yo, on Wednesday, they were doing an encore of Dexter’s season premier and even though I already saw it, I totally watched it again instead of Leno. Have you seen it yet? OhmyGodSoGood. There were more shots of John Lithgow’s ass than I think I was really ready to see, but I do feel those shots resolved a lot of questions raised by Harry and the Hendersons.
Speaking of John Lithgow’s ass, the fact that I re-watched the season premier of Dexter instead of Leno is very, very telling. It means that I, as a pop culture-consuming human being, would rather watch a repeat of a show that I already know features gratuitous shots of John Lithgow’s ass than I would a new episode of The Jay Leno Show.
God. Damn.
This entry was posted on Friday, October 2nd, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under I Love Bob Newhart, Jay Leno. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 18th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
I love Norm he doesn’t give a crap…. or does he? duh duh duh…????
November 9th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Whats wrong with me? I found the puppy thing hilarious. I mean, i read it the first time and i was weirded out. but the second time made me burst out laughing.
also, DOB makes much more funnier shit than Leno. in fact, alot of people on cracked are 100 times more hilarious than Leno. which is kind of sad, really.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:17 am
The puppy made me sad even though I’m sure it will be/is very yappy and annoying as an adult, considering how small it looks there.
November 4th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
You made me cry! BRB, going to hold my own little puppies. (You sick bastard.)
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:19 am
Aaaannnddd…now I’m just sad.
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:14 am
The puppy was cute and his lines were hilarious(sad, but sadisticly funny), but now I’m depressed and trying not to cry thinking about suffering/dead puppies.
October 28th, 2009 at 6:28 am
Welcome to join the Millionaire Friends circle: ****WealthyCupid.org*** where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective!http://www.wealthycupid.org/
October 26th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
couldn’t agree more. that’s why i get my news from comedy central.
i like how leno’s head gets bigger with every “joke”
October 24th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
You know I hear the puppy was a pedophile, he also used to belong to Roman Polanski
October 18th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Leno’s jokes are funnier than this whole torture the puppy thing. That is not only not funny but
immoral.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
wtf is with the puppy torture
October 16th, 2009 at 11:58 am
golden.
October 16th, 2009 at 8:09 am
Jay leno is pretty funny when he does the jay walking stuff but other than that… no.. his jokes suck.
October 13th, 2009 at 7:47 am
awwwwww that puppy picture is so cute
October 12th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Sweet Lord Leno’s Head GOT HUGE! haha!
DoB is my Second Favourite Writer on Cracked!!! Soon to be my First! YOU ROCK DUDE!!! .. Im SO Vewwy Hungwy!! HAHAA!
October 11th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Destroying cliches is exactly why Norm McDonald will never have his own show. Television needs cliches more than Detroit needs gasoline.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:23 am
awwwwww poor wittle puppy
October 10th, 2009 at 2:01 am
I dont watch late night tv. However, if Norm MacDonald had a late night show, i would probably watch it religiously.
October 9th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Give Norm a show!
October 9th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
jameson wooooo. you’re the best dob
October 9th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Remember when they DID give Norm MacDonald his own show.. yeah that lasted a long time.. so much it’s worth bringing it up like it never happened.
October 9th, 2009 at 1:20 am
The thought of Norm as a talk show host seriously made me giddy. Thanks for that.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Dear Dan,
when did you get to be the best writer on Cracked?
Hugs and kisses,
The Internet
October 6th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
I fucking love you dan. The article was hilarious and you’re really starting to vie for my favorite writer on the website. Also, the “Dan” who responded to Ellen’s whining (seriously, why the fuck would you do that on a comedy website?) below is a fuckin’ baller.
October 6th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Dammit, Ellen, shut up. He was just kidding about torturing the puppy and it was funny.
Oh, and I’m vegan.
October 6th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
The talking puppy was the highlight for me. Also- I can never tell when you’re kidding, the stuff you make fun of is so ridiculous. I need to check some of this on Youtube…actually, no, if it’s true, I’d rather not know it. If I’ve never actually heard it in Jay Leno’s cringey delivery, maybe I won’t have to torture a puppy.
October 6th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
However, animal cruelty gives me a roaring erection. So there’s that.
October 6th, 2009 at 9:03 am
There is really NOTHING funny about animal cruelty. Sorry, the idea of killing a tiny baby animal because Leno sucks doesn’t do anything for me.
October 6th, 2009 at 12:35 am
That puppy would commit prenatal suicide (and cause master/parent-depression for life) if it was cooked up as a hypothetical ‘cure’ for the Conan O’ Brien Show.
October 5th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
Aww, man Dexter had a great premiere! Trinity is extra fucked up
October 5th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
The puppy was asking for it.
October 5th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
The author’s political bias is pretty obvious since he only complains about the jokes toward liberals as “unfunny”. Therefore, for the sake of bipartisanship, I believe the author needs to mention that Jay Leno’s jokes about conservatives are equally shitty.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
I have always hated Jay Lenos shows.
As a teenager years ago, I thought it must be funny somehow and that I was just too young to understand it.
Years later, I now realize that he is actually shit. And is not funny in any way whatsoever.
I was forced to this conclusion after watching Conan Obrien.
October 5th, 2009 at 5:12 am
hell of “a” closing even… yeesh, this why I don’t write for a living.
October 5th, 2009 at 5:12 am
That was a hell of closing DOB, nice article.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:15 am
DOB writes the best captions of article-enhancing visuals
October 4th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
October 4th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Or another left-wing-is-always-right propaganda show, paul. Granted, that’s almost every show nowadays.
October 4th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Well, if it’s a choice between bad humour and yet another gristly medical show, or right-wing cops-are-always-right propaganda show, or shows that are both (like CSI), or shows glowingly approving psudeoscience and superstition … Jay Leno might be the best of a bad lot.
October 4th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
Yeah i love Norm Macdonald. I’d love to see him have a late night talk show.
But it would be a huge gamble with him. It could tank, or be the greatest thing ever. But i’m glad such a prestigious website like Cracked,com is promoting Norm Macdonald.
October 4th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
I love puppies as much as anyone else. They are cute and cuddly and all that crap. However, this was an IMAGINARY PUPPY, people. Read it again - he said to IMAGINE the puppy, not get an ACTUAL puppy. Sheesh!
October 4th, 2009 at 11:18 am
I know it’s supposed to be just a joke, but torturing puppies isn’t funny. It’s heartless and cruel.
October 4th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Norm McDonald would be such a good host. That guy has the greatest voice in the world.
October 4th, 2009 at 9:44 am
The way I see it the puppy wins, he got to go out on his own terms.
Brave little guy.
October 4th, 2009 at 9:10 am
That was a bit harsh - the Shiite joke was funny, and “Ass Qaeda” sounds like something a Cracked Columnist would say…
October 4th, 2009 at 4:50 am
The article was funny and all, but man, it gave good puppy. That puppy was so cute it had me actually petting my laptop. So squee. With the little toothless yawn and everything. And it looked like it was going to grow up into some sort of pit-fighting mastiff, so you know, ironic cute too.
So yeah, keep it up.
October 3rd, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Im sure all canines would support such a noble cause.
October 3rd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Thank you for this. Jay Leno sucks balls, and I’ve never understood how anyone can find his stuff funny. He’s mindless.
October 3rd, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Ubanks is on heroin. He shows all the classic signs. Plays jazz, check. Moves lethargically, check. Heavily lidded eyes, check. Pale, clammy skin, check. Laughs for no reason, double check.
October 3rd, 2009 at 6:55 pm
No. Don’t hurt the puppy. Bad comedy writer. Change the channel instead.
October 3rd, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Only thing better than Jay’s Garage is this guy beating Arnie at an arm-wrestle this week on TMZ! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ So, he’s to appear on Jay in 2 weeks…. LOL!
October 3rd, 2009 at 6:38 pm
DEXTER is the epitome of good TV writing. Granted, it’s drama and not comedy, but I have laughed more when Dexter is knifing baddies saran-wrapped to a kitchen table than I ever have with Jay Leno. And I used to be on Leno’s side with the Letterman/Leno network duel. I see I backed the wrong horse.
October 3rd, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I love Leno. Shut Up!
- darvell@worldoptions.com.au
October 3rd, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Another option is to move to Australia. No Leno just Dave…
It’s our signal that there isn’t anything on TV and it’s time for bed…
October 3rd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
psht just turn leno off and play with the puppy! problem solved!
October 3rd, 2009 at 10:30 am
I watched Leno last night waiting for Jim Norton to show up. I need to find a good bulk rate for puppies.
DOB rules.
October 3rd, 2009 at 8:43 am
DOB, you’ve done it again. Your writing makes Dante look like… something or other. Also, Norm would make a fantastic talk show host.
October 3rd, 2009 at 7:02 am
Bloody brilliant mate, keep it up!
October 3rd, 2009 at 5:31 am
@jonni I don’t think anyone did… But hey, at least I know to skip this clown’s articles in the future
October 3rd, 2009 at 5:27 am
I thought this article was hilarious! While I am totally obsessed with animals and love them to death, I found the idea that any sane human being would opt to torture and kill something so sweet in order to erase the horrible jokes on this show from their memory, rather amusing. This article has actually opened my eyes to how lame Leno’s jokes really are. I used to watch him alot, and I still watch him occasionally, but after reading some of the jokes posted in this article, I think I’d be better off risking death by alcohol poisoning, than ever sit down and watch another episode. Fantastic article Daniel!
And to all you very sad, pathetic people who complained about this article being not funny or cruel: THIS IS A HUMOUR WEBSITE! Does he really have to put a line at the bottom indicating that no animals were harmed in the making of this article to ease your minds? Please. If you can’t take a joke, perhaps you should spend that little bit of extra time on your hands surfing elsewhere.
October 3rd, 2009 at 5:07 am
I’d still prefer Jay Leno to Twilight though. At least Jay Leno doesn’t sparkle.
October 3rd, 2009 at 4:17 am
I loved the puppy stuff.
DOB>seanbaby>swaim>brockway>the other guy>gladstone
October 3rd, 2009 at 4:09 am
I’m sure Dan has way more fun reading the comments than he does writing the article. keep em coming! doctor chaos, where art thou?
nice article, Mr. O’brien.
October 3rd, 2009 at 4:03 am
Seriously, all you people who don’t like this article andcomplained: could you honestly write anything better?
I thought it was really good, keep it up DOB!
October 3rd, 2009 at 3:57 am
Leaving a comment on a website is like writing some shit in a public bathroom stall, nobody takes it seriously. Peach, cry me a river, MdMA, who said anything about this being the funniest article? And Dave G, although you watch your best friend on tv (Jay Leno) on those lonely week nights, don’t bitch about it when somebody makes fun of the man. Common people, Jay Leno is not funny at all and that puppy was not real!!
…God save humanity from you whiny fuckers
October 3rd, 2009 at 3:52 am
Kinda funny, but it’s in bad taste. The jay leno show wasn’t really that bad. Just good for a chuckle. So was this article.
October 3rd, 2009 at 3:23 am
I was previously your biggest fan; I am now quite disgusted.
The puppy stuff just wasn’t funny - at all.
I used to comment about missing your old stuff, now I don’t want to read you at all.
October 3rd, 2009 at 2:28 am
wow, since when did Cracked turn into a 13 year old bitching? I’m all up for giving kids a chance, but this one has still a looooong road to go to funniness.. 1 advice: Let your daddy read your internet comedy funny before posting
October 3rd, 2009 at 1:59 am
Woaaah sounds like someone is jealous of Dave Chappelle. Even if you had a show like Leno or Chappelle nobody would clap or laugh in expectation of the punchlines. That aside I would kill Leno to have the Chappelle show back, it was stupid and it pandered while relying heavily on Dave’s ethnicity, but goddammit IF it wasn’t original I don’t know who he stole his shit from so that means I don’t give a damn.
October 3rd, 2009 at 1:25 am
Sadly, the only thing less funny in this world than the Jay Leno show, was this article.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Holy crap that puppy was adorable. It’s a shame it had to die so horribly, and all of it could have been prevented if Leno would just retire already. All the people bashing this article are morons. All I see is DOB’s usual brilliance.
Norm on the Saget roast, telling the “for the birds” joke: I peed my pants laughing. It just does not get funnier than that. Anyone who says otherwise probably had a crappy childhood and needs counseling (just saying, these things should be nipped in the bud).
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:45 pm
From what I’ve seen Leno’s probably a great guy but he can’t improvise or work a crowd for shit. He looks and sounds funny but it’s all an illusion, also known as the Dave Coulier Effect.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Fuck yes Norm MacDonald would be an amazing host, I’ve been saying this for years!
I would also vote him for PM of Canada if given the oppurtunity
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:32 pm
You are absolutely right on. I’ve given the Jay Leno show two tries, and each time I wonder why. So incredibly lame.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Honey chil’! I been pitching the Norm Macdonald talk show to drunks and hobos since the turn of the century. It would’ve been epic, but the time when it might’ve happened is long gone.
Nowadays you’d even be laughed out of a Spike TV intern’s workspace for that fool notion. Only awesome people would’ve watched it and that’s just not enough to network tools who have the good enough sense to realize that genial mediocrity is what gets the asses in the seats when it comes to chat shows. Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon being two shimmering turd examples of the fact.
Now I’m putting all hope for a kickass talk show in Zack Galifinakis. Hopefully, it’ll be more two ferns than late world. Norm we’ll continue to be one of the top 3 best talk show guests of all time.
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Sweet Jesus… A Norm MacDonald tonight show….. I… I just Couldn’t deal with the awesome. Why have they not done that yet? WHY?!
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:56 pm
i agree. dexter had way too much john lithgow ass. Too bad hes gonna be the new rival to dex, cuz we’re gonna see his ass too much. But then again he is awesome.
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Yeah, so I giggled a bit at this one, but it wasn’t your usually awesome level of comedy. I like the more ridiculous stories from D.O.B. like his movie plot submission or the interrogation where he leaves with the detective.
This was kinda rank.
And once again, I find myself thinking: “When’s the next Seanbaby article coming out?”
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Dear Cigar,
Please choke to death on a leper’s semen. Thanks.
Signed,
Everyone with Good Taste
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:26 pm
that little puppy was just SO DAMN ADORABLE…and hilarious.
I have to admit though, I did crack up at Kevin’s bubbles, just because they were so unbelievably stupid.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:32 pm
You know, the last few times I’ve seen Norm Macdonald he seemed very out of it and wasn’t really funny at all. I think the guy has lost it.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I think watching Jay Leno sucked all of your funny out - like that time you read too many Garfield comics.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:13 pm
@Cigar
if you dont like the website, you can leave. Otherwise,
GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU PUSSY SON OF A BITCH.
he writes great comedy on the internet and, while it may not appeal to you, you dont need to insult the man who has written so many INCREDIBLE articles over the years.
that was my bit,
go fuck yourself cigar.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Jon Stewart is better than all of them
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Looking at the comments this guy should just stop writing and go back to watching Batman.
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Yeah this article was weeeaaak! Weaker than watching the Jay Leno Show. Enough to end that contract agreement at last. It was not funny at all, and the puppy thing is tasteless honestly. I mean I don’t think the new show is funny either but this article doesn’t belong at Cracked.
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:53 pm
They all have hits and misses, don’t hate on DOB (although Brockway’s been on a roll lately)
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Kinda weak, I mean I’d rather watch Leno than Medium, Friday Night Lights, Life, or ER. But you have a point about Norm Macdonald, gotta love that guy
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Leno CAN be ok, I usually watch when he does the Jay-walking segement and the headlines. Other than that, hell no. I am a Craig Ferguson gal.
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:16 pm
I like the jay leno show.
however, I think D. O’Brien needs to be fired (from a cannon) and then locked up (without food or water). That’s not supposed to be funny. This douche needs to go away or die.
YOU AREN’T FUNNY. YOU SUCK HUGE FUCKING BALLS WITH ALL THE FREE TIME THAT YOU HAVE, APPARENTLY.
I have never liked an article I have read from this fucktard. Why the fuck is he still on cracked?
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:54 pm
cracked is indeed becoming the new home of the assclown
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:51 pm
They don’t even show the Jay Leno show over here in Scotland (as far as I know) but it sounds shite and I’m totally for Norm hosting a chat show. An American friend of mine introduced me to the Norm show and the Howard Stern Show, both awesome.
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I hate the people who post thinking they have some type of knowledge of comedy. “Get better writers” “you’re less good now”. You know what, comedy doesn’t need to adhere to your needs. Anyway, DOB is the funniest writer on Cracked.
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Thanks, but we are still gonna pass on Leno.
Check out the new hilarious http://makefunofmyfriends.com
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:08 pm
to be fair I kinda chuckled at shiite hit the fan
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Norm MacDonald IS funny, So is Dan. If you don’t believe me well, just look at Dan He’s extremely funny looking.
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
This article was off the chain.
I would also like to propose spelling original “origanal”.
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I would love to see Norm Mcdonald have his own talkshow. Did anyone see the roast of bob saget? Every other comedian was funny in their own way, but they had to be vulgar to do it. Norm went up their, didn’t say anything rude and really didn’t ever tell a joke in the conventional sense. However, he managed to get everyone crying and falling out of their seats. There, my friends, is a champion.
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Alan, right-wing sentiment and pointing out the fact that Leno’s jokes aren’t funny in the least are two different things. Two entirely different things. It’s an observation. You’re just digging for a controversy but you won’t find it, because you just made yourself out to be an idiot. Good job.
Anyway, thanks Daniel, for being the one to rip on Leno. I’ve been waiting for someone else to notice.
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
This writer must be smoking the best stuff on the planet if he thinks even for a moment that Norm MacDonald is in some way funny.
Did he not see Norm on Conan a while back? that showed how not only UN-funny Norm was but how he’s basically lost his mind? Norm needs to be put out to pasture…or killed.
Not that he was ever funny in the first place.
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
He’s not that bad…..do I sense a bit of angry right-wing sentiment here?
Leno’s political stance is well known and no bones made about it…let’s take a straw poll….how many of Leno’s haters also dislike Michael Moore?
…….
conan is not funny to me…I chuckle occasionally during his show but rarely actually laugh….same with Kimmel….seems to me most Americans wouldn’t know a funny talkshow host if they hit them in the face! Use the good ol’ inter to look up Jonathon Ross or Graham Norton and then see what you’re missing
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
froobius: Yes, apparently you’re missing something. The article never says Leno told the exact same “Ass Qaeda” joke twice, verbatim, just that he told two very similar jokes, on consecutive nights, both about terrorists putting bombs in their rectums, the “Ass Qaeda” one being the second and the “anus crime” the first.
As to whether or not you are high, that I am not in a position to judge.
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Ugh. Just Ugh. I actually cheered when I first read that NBC was FINALLY replacing Jay with Conan. It was a dream come true. Two birds with one stone. Jay’s unfunny ass is finally off the air and Conan’s witty ass would finally get the spot he deserved. And then the retards at NBC were actually afraid that their network would tank if they lost Jay to another network. So they gave him a prime time show. What the fucking fuck?! How much weed and coke are those dumbfucks using?
Funny article but it just confirms what I already suspected. Jay’s still a waste of space.
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:10 pm
The jokes from the show you put on here sucked balls. Seriously, they’re a paragon of bemusement and befuddlement. If all his jokes are this bad, how the fuck did he get a show of his own?!
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Oh God. Those Leno ‘jokes’ were awful.
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Genius.
This article is gold.
Jay isn’t that funny, and nothing compared to Norm. That idea is gold also.
Note: Connan’s much better….
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:46 pm
This article is about as funny as a Jay Leno joke. That is to say its not funny at all. Cracked is going downhill. Get some decent writers already.
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Do any of you who keep saying Leno is funnier than DOB realize how stupid it is for you to be here? I mean, if you think DOB’s isn’t funny, the fact that you still read his articles despite this makes you the bigger idiot for wasting your time on something you know you wont like, and even more so for then taking the time to comment on it.
Anyway, good article in my opinion (then again almost anything my the Cracked Staff is… except for the political stuff, there are some jewels in there, I just can’t get into them though).
I love the last puppy pic the best.
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:40 pm
If you hurt that puppy O’Brien I will find you ( Swaim told me where you live) and play that same little game with something small, helpless and cute, namely one Danny O’Brien.
Run a disclaimer next time that no actual puppies were hurt in the writing of this article goddammit.
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I really don’t like Leno at all, but I have never really been able to put it into words exactly why.
I think simply because of apathy.
I am glad that you were forced to put it into words by your Cracked captors.
God Bless Cracked.
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Wow, finally someone with enough originality to take a shot at Jay Leno.
Whats next, you gonna start shitting on New Jersey then say something about Clintons dong?
Or, ‘how about them gas prices, eh?’ That one has never been done before, DOB. Do that one in your next article.
Thats why you have the right to make fun of Jay, cause hes so unoriganl and you obviously are hogging it all, you funny funny man.
Actually, i did laugh my ass off. Im just givin you shit. And to all the other commentators, fuck that puppy.
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:21 pm
The only good thing I can think of that came out of Leno moving to an earlier time slot… Is Connan taking his place on “The Tonight show” . Then again Jimmy Fallon took Connan’s… maybe this isn’t such a good thing.
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
I like Jay Leno.
October 2nd, 2009 at 1:59 pm
This article made me sad, as I thought of the po’likkle puppy being tortured in order to erase the memories of the Leno. Then I got the giggles. Then I was sad again. Then I had some scotch. Scotch is good. What were we speaking of?
October 2nd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Yeah, that was a really awesome episode of Dexter, even with John Lithgow’s ass.
a Bob Newhart talk show would be AMAZING.
October 2nd, 2009 at 1:30 pm
It took me a while to notice Leno’s head was growing and his hand was shrinking
October 2nd, 2009 at 1:29 pm
As far as unfunny shows go, I’d much rather watch Jay Leno than Two and a Half Men. Jay is safe and kind of boring, but his whole show isn’t the monologue. I figure if I turn the TV on at 10:something just to wind down and what’s on is a little lighter than Law and Order: Rape Victims, it’s acceptable.
Norm would be legendary though. No doubt about it.
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Thanks, DOB. Your puppy torture just killed my boner.
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Jay Leno is a funny and likable guy.
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
well, now i really want Norm Mcdonald to get his own talk show. that dude is so underrated.
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Jay’s is a generous host in that he’ll make himself look a bit foolish to make his guests look better. What do you think about a Canadian playing Captain America? http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ Jay’s guest next week.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:59 am
Am I missing something? Is there an entire paragraph missing between “I might be OK with breaking at least two of that puppy’s legs….” (the bit about the DEA) and “Well that was pretty awful. But something stuck out to me, the whole scene felt very familiar….” (the bit about asses)? Because the writer of this piece references a deja vu event (same Ass Quaeda joke) without having mentioned it the first time. Either I’m high, or someone fucked up. Or both.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:53 am
Conan SMASH late night tv.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:33 am
I love the fact that there was an ad for the Jay Leno show in the page margin while I was reading this.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:23 am
That puppy thing cracked me the Hell up.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:20 am
I hereby bestow upon you the highest honour of my lands, Companion of Comedy.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:15 am
Sadly, topical humor has a standard format of topic first, joke second. Jay does it for the widest possible audience. There you have it.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:13 am
The Flavor Flav joke was decent. This was the singular time I have ever disagreed with DOB. No, it wasn’t supposed to be a timely shot at Flavor Flav, it was just in the interest of continuing their “White Moments, Black History” thing. It was a shot at Flavor Flav and if you just accept it as a joke instead of intentionally trying to put holes in Leno’s material, it’s pretty funny.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:56 am
Yes, Norm Macdonald is a comedic genius.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:46 am
That puppy is my new hero.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:41 am
Norm Macdonald is a comic genius, and would do an awesome late night show. He’s also just a brilliant man.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:36 am
Good article. This changes the way I see comedy. I will now and forever use the Puppy Torture/Mindwipe Showdown to judge all comedy. In addition I will now carry around a picture of that puppy in my wallet to facilitate my use of the Puppy Torture/Mindwipe Showdown system.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:33 am
The antidote for the Jay Leno show? Bill Hicks’ excellent 1993 stand-up album “Rant In E Minor”. He completely rips apart Leno on one segment and it’s absolutely hilarious.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:33 am
@BWM
You shut your whore mouth when you talk to mister DOB. Cause he’ll fuckin cut ya.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:53 am
One of the commenters suggested to go and watch the letterman interview after norm macdonald got fired from snl… HE GOT FIRED FOR NOT BEING FUNNY!?!?! I had no idea that even happened. SNL stinks so bad - he was like the funniest person that show ever saw.
But if he got his own talk show - i dont think people would get it. thats why snl and leno are so popular cause people i guess don’t really know what good humour is.
To get good comedy you have to go on the internet or look at obscure stand up these days.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:47 am
Umm…all those shows listed suck. Anyway, and I hate to say it, but while I find Jay Leno to be less of a real comedian and more of a headline distributor with commentary, he’s still funnier than, well, everything DOB ever writes. And while I’m at it, all the blogs on Cracked tend to suck. You want Leno to stick with cars? I want you to stick with list-based comedy.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:31 am
Norm MacDonald *would* be an awesome talk-show host, wouldn’t he?
Damn. I want that now.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:28 am
Daniel, this is your doctor. Some of your readers have informed me that you still believe the puppy was in your imagination. This is very concerning. Daniel, you have to face reality. The sooner you do, the sooner you can begin to heal. The one you call “Squeaky Chin-Devil” can’t hurt you anymore.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:24 am
I remember the old show BattleBots had what they called the “Jay Leno ChinBot” or something. Funniest thing I ever saw, but unfortunately it always defeated all comers, even in a 3-on-1 competition.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:20 am
This wasn’t funny. Sorry, DOB.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:20 am
Most unfunny Cracked article ever basically.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:02 am
Great article (as always), but the “The Puppy Torture/Mindwipe Showdown” was easily the greatest part. “I can think of no more noble cause for which to die”, classic.
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:54 am
I love how Jay’s head gets progressively bigger with each picture.
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:51 am
HILARIOUS!
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:35 am
That puppy died for our sins. The dyslexics were right; there is a Dog!
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:25 am
I don’t mind Leno. He’s not hilarious, but he is a likeable guy. However, Norm getting a talk show is a fantastic idea. Can we start a petition?
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:20 am
The worst part about Leno’s notfunnyness is that he won’t drop a joke until he gets a laugh out of it. If (when) most of garbage jokes bomb, he just repeats them until the audience gives him a pity applause. He should have been a mechanic or something, as he certainly loves cars more than comedy. If he even liked comedy a little bit, he would have said at least one funny thing in the last 25 years.
I would do one better than Norm McDonald as Leno’s replacement. I would like to see a talk show hosted by Louis CK. A filthy, hate-filled show where Louis insults every worthless pop sensation that comes on the show until they run off set weeping.
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:04 am
You’re just noticing this now? Leno’s always been like that!
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:02 am
“My life was so short but I saw so much beauty.”
I laughed totally laughed my ass off at this article. I’m in tears. Bravo, Daniel, bravo.
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:01 am
For more Norm-bating go to YouTube and search for Norm on Dennis Miller Live. Unfortunately the best clip was taken down but there are still some great ones. Also Norm’s SNL Monologue that he did right after he was fired from the show for “not being funny.”
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:01 am
Leno’s gradually inflating head really made this work for me
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:52 am
Not being a dick but what comedians do you find funny?
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:45 am
<3 Dexter
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:44 am
PS. What’s up with the Jpeg’s? Some appear just fine when other’s have just the little red x. The sleepy puppy picture was lost after a page refresh.
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:42 am
Holy shit. HOLY SHIT, DOB. This was fantastic. I can’t even pick a fight with you over the imaginary puppy torture. I will personally deliver you three pre-beaten dogs every day if it means we get more articles like this. Wonderful work, don’t ever leave us, I’m late for class.
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:39 am
I saw Norm MacDonald’s bit on CC Roast show. I “got it”. It’s just that he’s never done it for me comedy-wise. Much like marinated & roasted puppy, his humour is more of an acquired taste.
I’d still love to see a program exec. give him a show and put him in the same time slot as that giggly ass-kisser, Jimmy Fallon. That would be genius.
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:32 am
forza NORM , we love you norm
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:27 am
Medium blows! Fuck you, DOB!
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:19 am
I already did love the roast, I was just incredulous that a few commentors before you didn’t appreciate it.
Everything Norm does is hilarious, the man is funny when he is alone
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:18 am
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Seeking your sexy partner ON ===SuGarDaddyHunt.CoM==
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:06 am
Alan, watch it a few more times. I like Norm as a person, he just seems like a guy who’d be enjoyable to be around but I never found him funny until I re-watched him. He has a very different humor than the masses don’t really pick up on without thinking about it.
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:01 am
I was always curious as to why Leno quit doing a late night talk show to do a slightly earlier late night talk show.
I guess the cash is better?
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:51 am
Yo, DOB, Fuck all these haters who aren’t feeling the article, that shit was on point as always. The only thing that detracts from the humor are the actual Jay Leno quotes because the cocksucker is just not funny to anyone, except for maybe senior citizens and people who’ve never seen some great stand-up before. The kind of people that still think Bob Saget’s entire persona is a wholesome TV dad or the AFHV host with a mullet. I grew up on some Richard Pryor shit, man.
For anyone who’s not up-on-game yet,
You gotta be one humorless motherfucker to think JAY LENO is funnier than Norm McDonald and John Lithgow’s ass. You want to see the best of Norm, go on YouTube and check out his various interviews from the Howard Stern show. You’ll see why he’s so respected in the comedy world and why everyone fucking loves his particular style. Plus, he introduced Artie to the show. ‘Nuff said.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:50 am
good article, you and swaim are the only reasons i read this site
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:50 am
That little puppy was so brave. Like a little furry Jesus Christ.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:46 am
Puppies!
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:42 am
Norm Macdonalds Bob Saget roast wasn’t awesome? I know cracked commenters are mouth breathing hopeless retards but still…
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:41 am
Wow Jay Leno ROCKS.
RT
http://www.complete-privacy.net.tc
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:38 am
I actually laughed at the Leno jokes here……
Because I was anticipating what you’d say about such shitty jokes, and the horrible fates that awaited that adorable puppy. And you didn’t disappoint.
Get ready for the spelling/grammar police, though.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:36 am
The best thing about this article was the picture of the puppy; that weird description of torturing it? Not so much.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:35 am
norm would be great, but it’d be canceled so fast your head would spin.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:31 am
I think I did it wrong, I tortured Norm MacDonald… and the whole time he was funnier than Leno.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:29 am
Anyone else get the banner add for watching Leno online right next to the pick of the Leno drinking game?
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:25 am
Yes yes yes yes yes! I’ve never respected Leno as a late night host. His jokes consist of a setup, and then something random he blurts out off the top of his head. He then claims he “has a million of ‘em.” He also has absolutely no report with his guests. He asks a question, then just seems to sit there like a statue until he interrupts them with his next question. Conan at least has more intelligent jokes, and he legitimately listens and interacts with his guests. Norm would be hilarious, but his type of humor would fly over a lot of viewers’ heads and he wouldn’t get the ratings.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:22 am
Watch any clip of Norm on Dave Letterman and you’d agree he’s one of the funniest talk show guests of all time. I almost guarantee when Dave leaves, if he has a choice in the matter, he will leave his show to Norm. That being said, his guests will not be good. Not only was he black balled by Don Eisner (So there goes half of NBC’s guests), but a lot of comedians find him hard to work with because he’s too honest.
Either way, I’d watch.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:19 am
Are there SERIOUSLY peole who didn’t get McDonald’s roast appearance? REALLY?
It was the funniest part of the whole fucking night… seriously, sit down, watch it again…watch it in the context of the roast.
Anyway, article was pretty good, but not the normal DOB solid gold.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:18 am
I’m sorry to say this DOB but you crossed the line with the puppy thing. It just was not funny.
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:12 am
John Lithgow’s ass…..Jay Leno………John Lithgow’s ass…….
Rough week, man. Rough week…..
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:08 am
Leno not funny ??
Hes way more humorous than this stupid blog……..
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:44 am
Waw, this clown sounds like an angry 12year old that has no understanding of the world.
You know, it really boils down to whether you think of Jay Leno as a funny guy… Then it doesn’t really matter what he says… There’s no joke in the world that gets bad once you start analyzing it to death..
And this guy’s been doing it day in day out every day for like the last 40 years or so… This alone proves his merit.
It’s sad and disrespectful trying to be a comedy writer and not respecting the pioneers.
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:37 am
I like Norm MacDonald, but I have to agree with a previous poster, his last appearance on a Comedy Central Roast (I think it was for Bob Saget) was painfully bad. It’s almost like he decided to wing it completely and then say the worst jokes he could think of, in hopes they would get laughs because of how bad they are.
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:31 am
anybody noticed his head getting bigger in each picture ?
decent read over all
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:31 am
I like puppies and Norm MacDonald.
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:29 am
I’ll just say that any website that does a “Classic” or “From the archives” or anything like that just to put an old joke back on their front page really shouldn’t put down a comedian that might recycle a joke. I’m just saying, it’s like the pot calling the kettle black.
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:22 am
1) The puppy-torture shtick was pretty lame.
2) Have you just started watching late night talk shows? They’ve been like that since the time of Saint Johnny. Take a celebrity in the news. Make a stupid, unfunny joke about it. Audience laughs wildly. Back when I was watching Leno and Conan pretty regularly (late 90’s) it got so I could predict the punchline flawlessly. Clinton is horny! Monica is a slut! Oprah is fat! During the last administration “Bush is dumb!” got plenty of play but you went (and still go) to that well quite often too.
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:22 am
Dear Ceveron,
You didn’t get it.
Sincerely,
Everyone who knows why that was the best part of the roast
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:19 am
Wow. Nicely done. The DEA and Polanski parts were particularly awesome.
I like Norm MacDonald but I kinda doubt he’d actually be able to run a funny talk show. I’d love to see him get a try.
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:06 am
Norm Mcdonald? Really? Did you even see him in his last “appearance” on one of those awful comedy central roasts? He looked utterly lost.
Otherwise, even as a Jay Leno fan I found this article funny, even if it will drive the trolls to start screaming and ranting some variation of this article to anyone that tunes in to Leno
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:05 am
Awesome, DOB. Just awesome. This is your classic humor, man, I love it.
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:58 am
I was hoping DOB would save an otherwise mediocre week here, but this article is pretty boring. I have high hopes for next week though.
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:56 am
so true
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:45 am
I miss Norm.
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:45 am
Bob Newhart would be an amazing talk show host. It’d just be Bob sitting at a desk, picking up a phone with no one on the other end, and that would be his interview for the night.
For that matter, if Bob Newhart had a show staring into the cameras for one hour all night, I’d sacrifice friends and family to get to the television in time.
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:34 am
The funniest article written by a cracked columnist, ever! So true though, the joke recycling, Conan does it too sadly. Im with the idea of Norm Macdonald having his own gig for late night, for Christs sake their giving George freakin Lopez his own late night show, and he’s about as funny as ball cancer.
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:29 am
Doesn’t sound any worse than SNL these days.
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:10 am
noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (the aspca is coming for you leno)
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:09 am
pratham!!……..perhaps.