Sex is something everyone claims to be good at, but very few people actually take the time to research. For a man to be a successful lover, he has to be attentive, fit and focused. As for a woman, she must be awake-ish and attached to her vagina.
There aren’t very many structured ways to learn how to make love. In school, they taught us about sex by showing us pictures of chancres and child birth until crotches were our sworn enemies. And if pornographic movies seem anything remotely close to instruction manuals to you, the girls you’re dating have chancres.
Luckily, I searched through dozens of used book stores to find research done on the art of sexing. Say a silent prayer for the genitals of your future lovers, because you’re about to read some highly advanced, extremely erotic tips that will take your lovemaking to the next level.
#5. How to Make Love with your Clothes On: 101 Ways to Romance your Wife, by David and Anne Frahm
This book is a cry for help. My entry into this week’s description championships is as follows: Reading the introduction to this book is like reading the panicked ramblings of a man with his dick caught in a Bible while his wife is flapping directly at him on leathery wings holding a Bible laser. He and his wife include so much religion in their sex life that Moses is their safe word, and they use it anytime it goes past first base.
Besides a clear message that his wife is out to destroy him, the introduction also included my favorite thing about buying used books–the fact that they’re used. When fixing their sex life, the book’s previous owner saw only one line worth highlighting: “Things are boring, empty and unexciting.” Ha ha ha ha, what an awesome thing to find while searching for something to jerk off to!
If you make it past the intro, the book is 101 tips ranging from the obvious to the religious. And as you may have noticed, this book is CO-written. That means that every now and then, David’s wife will add some “notes” to the page. If you listen closely, you can almost hear her screaming over his shoulder as he types.
You know, there are easier ways to get on a porno mailing list, David Frahm. Problems in the bedroom can’t be solved by throwing your phone number out the window along with proof that you’re desperate. If that worked, my sex life in middle school would have been more than a coupon for control-top panties.
I know women are supposed to be bad with numbers, but I don’t think that’s going to fool her.
I’m no biblical scholar, but when I read this: “Because of the savor of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee.” That means lubricating virgins, right? If you’re so bored that you have to start ritually lubricating virgins as a couple, you’re about one step away from hunting humans for sport.
Did this guy think we needed help figuring out what to do with chick movies? Watch them with women!? That’s literally their only application. What the fuck else would we do with them? If you look right on the back of the box of Bride Wars, it says “Warning: This film is only to be used to exchange for sex with needy women.” Maybe next this fucking genius could write a book called One Thing to do with a Can Opener.
Is his wife a circus clown? Every other piece of sex advice is playing with balloons. And now you want me to come up with seven activities and goodies to put in them? A minute ago, you thought I was so stupid that you had to tell me what a chick movie was for! You know damn well my seven activities and goodies are going to be: new TV, sex with her friend, XBOX 360 Elite, blowjob during Rambo, Twitterring together about how small her ex-boyfriend’s penis is, empty balloon and greeting card. David Frahm, you’re ruining my life!!!
You know where I could find one, asshole? Because the only thing interesting about your book is how it’s trying to make sex extinct.
#4. A Pocket Guide to Loving Sex, by Jane Hertford
I think the Pocket Guide to Loving Sex was written by the author of How to Enjoy Pizza and Why Tits are Better than Watching Cats Die. It’s a very, very illustrated reference guide to every aspect of sex. It’s perfect for beginners, as it treats the reader as if they recently landed on Earth and are piloting the hollowed remains of a strange hu-man shell.
There’s even a helpful index in the back. So if your partner ever pants, “Let’s do parting of the waves!” you can thumb to the page that teaches you how to do it, complete with the warning that she’s probably going to put her finger in your butt. Speaking of, you never really realize how filthy sex is until you see a drawing of a hairy married couple with fingers in each other’s butts.
Undressing, tonguing, boning outside, reverse penetration… it’s all there! And with all the lovingly rendered 70s haircuts, it also acts as an NC-17 handbook for Supercuts employees. You know, if a client ever wants to see how their haircut will look next to, for example, a battery-operated cockring:
#3. How to Make Love, by Hugh Morris
This 32 page pamphlet was printed in 1936, and it was not ahead of its time. Most of it is about how to spot a dame that spends too much of your money, and the rest is the dangers of pre-marital hanky panky. If you bought this book on the day it was released and have been following its instructions, you’ll be getting your first handjob in seven years. Anyone who uses this book’s 250-year plan to getting laid is going to have to devour the heart of their partner just to steal enough life force to smile about it.
This wasn’t what I was expecting from an ancient tome of love making. I figured it would say HOW TO MAKE LOVE STEP ONE: Running Start. STEP TWO: Continue step one for 50 years until scientists invent the female orgasm.
Instead, what I found was confirmation of what I’d always hoped: My grandparents never had sex ever, for any reason.
#2. The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How to Entice, Excite and Enchant Your Lover with Words, by Bonnie Gabriel
This book is 220 pages of dirty talk described with the clinical precision of a research scientist slowly rubbing your nipples between his toes. Moan for him. If they offered a course on erotic talk in college aside from screaming how drunk you are in a fraternity, this would be your text book. Starting from the basics, it shows you how to convince someone to have sex with you, cursing the whole fucking time.
In fact, the sex talk in this book is so erotic, I decided I’d better soften it by presenting it in a less-sexual context.
#1. 400 Creative Ways to Say I Love You, by Alice Chapin
This is another book designed to bring the spark back into a marriage. And as a pastor’s wife, author Alice Chapin has attended many marriage enrichment seminars. If that doesn’t qualify you to drain a reader’s balls, nothing will. She’s a wild woman, and her sex tips are all over the place, like the pieced together memories of a kidnap victim.
It’s bad enough all my money ends up in there, now you want my hair too? What are you, a druid?
Every day? Man, this sex stuff is really going to eat through your bar of soap, lady.
I don’t get it. Is that to find old semen? Because if that’s what I use to get myself in the mood, I hope the next words out of your mouth are “you’re under arrest.”
I’ll give you this one. Sex for fresh pudding is an economy we can believe in.
This one doesn’t seem safe. In fact, I think it explains how years ago, I found this audio tape inside a bear:
I hope I’ve shown you and all your future sexual triumphs the importance of reading.
This entry was posted on Thursday, September 10th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Sex, books. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
2009 Literary Sex Off! 5 Baffling Perspectives on Boning
9 Reasons Iraqis Suck at Jumping Jacks
7 Great Occupations for Horribly Stupid People
If Aquaman Comics Knew How Much Aquaman Sucks
Books I Won’t Be Reading
Vagina Dentata, YouTube Commenters and My Stepdaughter Wants a Pony: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
So Book-like, You’d Think It Was a Book (but it’s not)
Madonna: Fuglier Than A Keebler Elf
An Open Letter To David Duchovny (Incl., Full Resumé)
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
November 19th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Very funny list.
Here’s one I found that had me laughing… but seriously thinking about getting!!!
http://www.longer-lasting-sex.com
November 6th, 2009 at 12:37 am
[...] had me laughing almost in tears, but here it is: the best highlighting of a used book ever, from a story on the five-worst advice books ever. This showed up in a used book shop, in a sex-advice book for married couples, and this was the [...]
November 5th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
My Vagina bees!
They’ve been angered!!!
I almost pissed myself.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:53 am
first time i’ve laughed hard all week. it’s only monday, but still.
October 31st, 2009 at 5:47 pm
Dear god, I got to “…I think it’s from the bear!!” and laughed till I cried…
October 29th, 2009 at 5:19 am
Why is the chubby redhead lauging while the guy is in an extrodanairy amount penis pain?
October 15th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Seanbaby, I sure am glad to see you back on the air!
October 9th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
I’ll just say it because nobody seems to have done so before: “How to Make Love with Your Clothes On” is probably a way to bring back the interest without sex. Not that it’s evil, but it’s probably the first thing you try.
October 9th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
LMAO!
Nice read
October 1st, 2009 at 4:11 pm
LOL ! i was in class while reading this and have to get out just to laugh xD very good article !
September 29th, 2009 at 5:59 am
How to make love with your clothes on? Honestly are they running our of ideas?
September 25th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
the blue light is so you won’t actually see that much of each other (kinda like the red light they use in sex-districts)
September 25th, 2009 at 1:58 am
a good mean
September 24th, 2009 at 12:14 am
stupid books….. ask you mom and dad how to make love…
September 21st, 2009 at 3:18 am
“Pop-pop, why are those words ripping out the insides of my brain?”
September 20th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
*Can’t breath, nuff said*
September 20th, 2009 at 7:38 am
You forgot tying your wife to the bed and letting several uncircumcised, ex-con black men fuck Jesus out of her. Alternately she can tie you to the bed and watch several uncircumcised, ex-con black men do the same for you. Mom said it worked like a charm for her and Dad. Note if you are black this technique is not as potent as it were. Also if you are black please don’t be offended I’m just having a little fun.
September 19th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
I used to read articles from seanbaby.com way back, and stopped reading a few years ago. I had no idea you write for cracked now! Cracked articles always fail to make me laugh, whereas your articles always succeed..so I’m torn by my hatred for cracked and my enjoyment of seanbaby articles.
Oh fuck it, I guess I’ll have to visit cracked now. This is among your best work.
September 19th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
[...] Then for your further amusement, here’s an article that made me laugh, the title is The 5 Most Ridiculous Sex Self-Help books, so definitely NSFW (not safe for work), but funny anyway, http://www.cracked.com/blog/?p=11596 [...]
September 18th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Good list, check out this list of unintentionally funny titles.
http://rare-book.net/unintentionally-funny-book-titles/
September 18th, 2009 at 6:28 am
Damn. I laughed so hard I shit myself.
September 17th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
I haven’t laughed that hard in years! I have tears running down my face.
Thanks - needed that!
September 17th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
I AM NOW DEAD.
September 17th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
the blue light thing works….for some reason it makes people look amazing….the low level of light is just perfect where you can see them but its not that department store bright where you can see every single flaw….its like a motivational light
September 17th, 2009 at 8:44 am
“Oh God, I think it’s from the bear!!!” is so damn funny
September 17th, 2009 at 3:15 am
The bit about vagina bees and “Oh god, I think it’s from the bear!!!” are the funniest things I’ve read in a long while.
September 17th, 2009 at 12:48 am
[...] 5- Top 5 Most Ridiculous Sex Self-Help Books [...]
September 16th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
[...] of selecting the most relevant and effective sex self help books, and conveniently highlighted the Top 5 best Most Ridiculous so that I may spend less time roaming the book racks and more time masturbating making [...]
September 16th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
seanbaby — I must meet you immediately. You are hilarious, and I am filled with bees. Perfect match.
September 15th, 2009 at 8:26 am
That was HILARIOUS! I laughed so hard that I had tears running down my face. I’m forwarding this to all my friends. Awesome…
September 15th, 2009 at 7:29 am
I almost cried at “Oh god, I think it’s from the bear!!!”
Keep up the good work, you hilarious bastard.
September 15th, 2009 at 5:21 am
another hilarious article from seanbaby. always a larff.
September 15th, 2009 at 5:12 am
My friend recommended me a very hot place ___ http://www.diamondsingle.com ___, where you have the opportunity to make friends and chat with rich and cool guys ,hot and sexy girls,supermodels and so on.First i can’t believe and then I signed up there and i’ve got many friends including celebrities there,Finally, I find my perfect match there.It’s exciting. Hope you can find your perfect match.
September 14th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
Ive never laughed that much with an cracked article. its pure gold.
“Oh god. Oh god I think it’s from the bear!!!” priceless.
September 14th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I’m four days late to the party, but this is some top-shelf material.
“Listen here, Hair Oil…”
Seven thumbs up, Seanbaby!
September 14th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I blew slimfast out my nose at the “vagina bees”….
Too funny!!!
September 14th, 2009 at 11:49 am
What a sinsual article! The “just don’t call me late to dinner” part was so funny I remembered to laugh!
September 14th, 2009 at 9:44 am
“Oh god. Oh god, I think it’s from the bear!!!”
And I was so proud at keeping my laughter silent at work until that line. Thanks.
September 14th, 2009 at 6:49 am
i like http://wealthy-cupid.bravehost.com/ most !! so do my friends!! i think u cant miss it!!
September 13th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
[...] The 5 Most Ridiculous Sex Self-Help Books [...]
September 13th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Only on Cracked could you find the quote:
“My vagina bees! They’ve been angered!!!”
Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
September 13th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
ROFLMAO! This is one of the best Cracked articles ever! Too funny! “One thing to do with a can opener”….. Just good material. All of it.
September 13th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Seriously.
September 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
This entire article had me in tears I was laughing so hard! My favorite part was the “vagina bees.” I almost choked to death with laughter!
September 13th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Cartoon parts are brilliant :)) Cheers
September 12th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Thanks to u, I have a new appreciation of the vagaries of sex, Seanbaby
September 12th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I laughed my balls off at this, particularly the sex talk in the context of old comic strips.
Seriously, they went flying across the room and bounced behind the couch. I need a flashlight now.
September 12th, 2009 at 11:06 am
david wayne: the answer is yes. yes you would.
September 12th, 2009 at 6:37 am
I wonder what ever happened to Ali Mcgraw in the original 1970 movie “Love Story?” I wonder if I would want to make love with her today?
September 12th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Seanbaby sucks so bad, NASA could use him on their spacestations to counter the effects of black holes.
September 12th, 2009 at 4:06 am
Great,very funny article
September 12th, 2009 at 12:25 am
haha!
Funny as hell, great writing
September 11th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
Did anybody else notice that book #3 was written by…Hugh Morris? Seriously, Hugh Morris.
September 11th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
I think I vomited in my mouth a little at #2.
September 11th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Wanna find a tall partner???
Here is a very nice place———- Tallfinder.c-o-m ———–It’s where Tall singles looking for someone to enjoy their lifestyle with.You are just seconds away from taking that first step towards the life you have been longing for…
September 11th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
As a senior in high school, I have to go through the intense, pain-in-the-ass process of applying to colleges and finding enough money to pay for it. But everyday I come to this website to read some articles and I leave with a grin, an optimistic determination, and a sharp pain in my mouth form all the laughing. Thank you Cracked.com and every one of the god-damn members who publishes articles in this site!
September 11th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
The only reason I even go on Cracked.com anymore is to read your articles, Seanbaby. This article is one of your best yet. I demand MOAR!!!!!!!!!!
September 11th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Seanbaby, I have been reading your site since your first Superfriends page. I can say without exaggeration that this is one of your funniest articles.
Bravo, sir.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
“Oh god, Oh god, I think it’s from the bear!!!”
I cried.
September 11th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Absolutely dongtacular article. Hilarious all the way through. Almost had a blood vessel pop in my brain I was laughing so hard at the Dennis the Menace comic.
September 11th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
You dick I had to google what chancres were.
September 11th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Fucking awesome Seanbaby.
September 11th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Seanbaby - the way you effortlessly incorporate hilarity into your writing makes me hate you.
Kudos for yet another great article. Jerk.
September 11th, 2009 at 9:15 am
“pole-in-the-hole rumpy pumpy slidy grindy thrust action”
wow.
September 11th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Vagina Bees! Damn scary stuff.
September 11th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Book #5 isn’t supposed to be about sex… it’s about “making love” as in manufacturing affection not “making love” as in pole-in-the-hole rumpy pumpy slidy grindy thrust action.
September 11th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Well, so much for my can opener book idea
September 11th, 2009 at 7:38 am
You just put the final nail in DOB’s coffin (which is full of dicks). Fucking awesome!
September 11th, 2009 at 7:04 am
[...] The 5 Most Ridiculous Sex Self-Help Books [Cracked] [...]
September 11th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Kidnap victims and empty ballons were really good
September 11th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Just. Freaking. Awesome.
September 11th, 2009 at 6:06 am
Requesting sauce on the drawings from Book#2, Plox !
September 11th, 2009 at 5:47 am
That was, without a doubt, your funniest Cracked article yet.
September 11th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Seanbaby + anything = hilarity!
September 11th, 2009 at 4:48 am
Hot Diggity Dog! Im going to go try all these fancy moves out! My marriage is going to be the best with all these wonderful tips!
September 11th, 2009 at 3:22 am
All right, that one was out of the park. The best column in a while from someone who’s always hilarious anyway.
September 11th, 2009 at 2:13 am
Funny article.
September 11th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Awesome stuff. I laughed so hard C’s wife asked me what was up, then I had sex with her. Thanks Sean Baby!
September 11th, 2009 at 1:28 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
FUNNY ARTICLE
September 11th, 2009 at 12:28 am
Ned Kelly: Only Republicans (and some Libertarians) can handle Republican sex. You’d better be prepared if you wanna look into it.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
If so… remember to tell them how much they mean to you:
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=39&sku=E-CD00251
Truly… a sentiment for every occasion.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
I swear to God that The fine art of erotic talk, is one of the recommended readings for a grad school class in human sexuality I’m taking this fall!! And now I’ll read the whole damn thing picturing Denis the Menace, thanks cracked!
September 10th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
@ Ned Kelly: Do you really wish to subject yourself to that kind of terror?
September 10th, 2009 at 11:24 pm
“Oh god. Oh god, I think it’s from the bear!!!”
I won’t lie. I pictured the whole thing, and loled.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
colored light bulbs are fine, but why blue? blue is not a color i usually think of as good with sex: dead people, being cold, blue balls, it’s just not good imagery. but, the pastor’s wife probably finds red too kinky, only whores of satan would fuck with a red bulb in the reading lamp! then again, only whores of satan fuck, everyone else is too busy popping balloons and enjoying not touching.
September 10th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Man, the Dennis the Menace cartoon had me tearing up. From the molestation or uncontrollable laughter, I don’t know. But hell yeah, good stuff.
September 10th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
The blue light bulb was clearly taken from Top Gun.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
The funniest article I think I’ve ever read on this site.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Awesome stuff. I laughed so hard my wife asked me what was up, then I had sex with her. Thanks Sean Baby!
September 10th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Does anyone know where can I get a book on Republican sex?
September 10th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Wow. Even when reading the comments I remember where they came from and was laughing hysterically. That’s how good this article is. And the Dennis the Menace cartoon was the crowning shot. You are indeed the man, Sean.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Best Seanbaby-at-Cracked article yet. Excellent stuff.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
This is the line that got me: “Anyone who uses this book’s 250-year plan to getting laid is going to have to devour the heart of their partner just to steal enough life force to smile about it.”
I fell out of my chair and hit the cat, scaring the shit out of it so hard it hit its head on the well next to the computer
September 10th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Okay. No lie. This was so funny that the gum I was chewing ended up in my nasal cavity. I breathed in and just like you can blow milk out of your nose, gum ended up in there. Except it didn’t come out like a liquid. It just didn’t come out.
Then I stopped laughing. Then I thought I had to go to the hospital.
But, after ten minutes it eventually came out when I blew my nose. SITUATION AVERTED. So congrats Seanbaby, Cracked.com. You’ve finally written an article funny enough to make me get gum stuck in my nose.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Funniest article on Cracked, ever!!!
September 10th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Haha, this shit is brilliant!!
The re-dubbed comics made me laugh out loud!! 
September 10th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Actually, “Making Love” used to be a term for courtship, not sex. So the title of book #3 is entirely accurate by standards of the time.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
That was soooo damn funny! I can’t stop laughing about the Supercuts line! Keep writing more!
September 10th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
page 61 - cook pudding from scratch for him instead of making it from a box.
I’ll give you this one. Sex for fresh pudding is an economy we can believe in.
i can’t stop laughing…
September 10th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Hilarious…..These were all funny! I can’t stop laughing!
September 10th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
LOL @ Dennis the Menace re-caption.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
note from bear made me spit on my monitor.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
The druid line got me, too.
Putting a blue light in the bedroom is a really old thing. Not sure where or how it got started; I just know a blue light means that somebody’s getting pinksocked.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
bees, BEES. they are fucking hysterical, especially when centered in the vaginal area.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Oh my god, this was funny as hell!
September 10th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I liked that 1936 guide to sex the best.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
absolutely amazing article “What are you, a druid?” line of the year 09 haha
September 10th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Aces…I would have shot milk out of my nose if I was, um, drinking milk. I l’ed o l.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Holy mother of god, that was beyond a doubt the funniest Cracked article I’ve ever read.
September 10th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Last pic pissed my pants dry, great article
September 10th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Haha, this was an awesome article! Hats off to you, karate-chop boy. Seriously, one of the best Cracked articles.
September 10th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I give this article a fucking A. one of the funniest things i’ve read so far
September 10th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
For whatever reason, “What are you, a druid?” really got me.
Damn.
September 10th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
I’d happily participate in an economy based on fresh pudding and sex
September 10th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Fing hilarious
September 10th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
“Are you trying to rip the wings off all the angels?!”
September 10th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
That was LITERALLY one of the funniest things I have ever read.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I always save Seanbaby articles until I get home from work, so I can laugh hysterically. And it is always a wise move.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
“….Moses is their safe word.” This made me spew my beer I was laughing so hard. Also,”My vagina bees!” is my new favorite catchphrase.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
My favourite from you so far seanbaby.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Great ending. Bears can be tricky. It may now move in on the guy’s wife.
September 10th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Don’t you SEE?! David Frahm is a looner, and “How to Make Love with your Clothes On” was his secret cry for help! What else could all those balloons mean?! Maybe his wife will catch on sometime… XD
Hilarious article!
September 10th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
go away already
September 10th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Hurry home, I’m waiting for you
September 10th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Three weeks in a row of awesome articles. Keep it up, Seanbaby.
(IFYAKNOWWHATIMEAN)
September 10th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
LOLoLOLLOLOOLL MAKE LOVE TO ME
September 10th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
“…as for a woman she must be awake-ish and attached to her vagina” absolutely the funniest thing I’ve ever read on Cracked.
Another hysterical article, Thank you Seanbaby!
September 10th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
man i can’t remember when I laughed so much:)) you just lightened up my day with this piece, i think it’s safe to assume it could make emos laugh
keep up the great work 
September 10th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
“all this talk of whoopie is burning my muffins”
“Sex for fresh pudding is an economy we can believe in.”
This article was super hilarious…I can’t quote everything I loved about it!
September 10th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
God I think this is one of the funniest things I’ve read. Ever.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
“Can I trouble you to entwine your fingers in mine time and time again, Nancy?”
SOOOO FUNNY!
This whole article is genius… Thank god for website’s like this. Make’s work much more tolerable!
September 10th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
“For a man to be a successful lover, he has to be attentive, fit and focused.”
This one sentence sums up why Chris-chan will never get laid.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Heh. Bees.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Seanbaby is inconsistent. he either sucks hard or is awesome. this was the later, great job
September 10th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I say this almost every time I finish reading one of seanbaby’s articles, but this is honestly the funniest thing i’ve ever read.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Holy crap, I don’t know what was so funny about this article, but it made me laugh out loud more than anything else I’ve seen on Cracked. Well done. And it wasn’t one of the laugh-out-loud parts, but I appreciated that the 1936 sex book was allegedly by “Hugh Morris.”
September 10th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
The most awesome thing about this, is the URL. “How to F like alibrarian”
September 10th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Also ‘Fruits of Joy’.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Goddamn Sean you are the funniest writer alive. We would be good friends IRL.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I think ‘AAAGH!! Why wont I black out!?’ should be nominated as the next best official phrase/word made popular by CRACKED, right after ‘Dongtacular’.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
that bear picture had me laughing out loud
September 10th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
“Sex for fresh pudding is an economy we can believe in.”
Best line ever!
September 10th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Funniest article on here in a while. I can’t stop laughing. “I had a super time too pal!” lmao
September 10th, 2009 at 11:53 am
“Oh God. Oh god, I think it’s from the bear!!!”
I died from laughing.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Thank you, now I can’t get the image of the cat sucking someones cock out of my mind.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Oh good, I’m not the only one with vagina bees
September 10th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Funniest thing ever…that was brilliant.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Oh my god, this was one of the best Cracked articles in a long time. I never knew pudding could be so romantic, and yet, a little sad….
September 10th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Great article as usual Seanbaby. Love your stuff man, keep it up!
September 10th, 2009 at 11:29 am
#3 on this list caught my eye for one particular reason. The author. Hugh Morris is also the ring-name of a particular professional wrestler. This gentleman.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_QPYh2tlcChA/SnzrNThNEoI/AAAAAAAAByQ/87coTi9bheo/s400/hugh.jpg
All things considered, I’d rather not take sexual pointers from that man.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:28 am
seanbaby, normally the sex articles on this site are boring. And after your last article on the Herculoids you had nowhere to go but down. But this article just killed me!
I’m going to put a note in a bottle of beer, shake it up really good, and give it to my girlfriend.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:28 am
I have not laughed this hard, silently, at work, in a long time.
September 10th, 2009 at 11:26 am
“her sex tips are all over the place, like the pieced together memories of a kidnap victim” - LMFAO!
September 10th, 2009 at 11:21 am
get this mofo a goddamn TV show. now.
September 10th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Thanks to you, I’ve discovered that by holding my nose, no one will hear me laugh. That’s good because I’m in class. Please warn people before you start pulling out A-grade stuff like vagina bees.
Oh god. Holding my nose again.
September 10th, 2009 at 10:45 am
2: “Bu-no bullets in here!!! There’s just a note!”
1: “What does it say?”
2: “It says, ‘Hurry home I’m waiting for you’”
1: “Oh god. Oh god, I think it’ from the bear!!!”
LMFAO, brilliant sean. I just got a lot of looks after literally laughing out loud at that during a lecture talking about war.
September 10th, 2009 at 10:40 am
“Sex for fresh pudding” line got a huge laugh from me
September 10th, 2009 at 10:23 am
this was grEeAaT good job
September 10th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I cannot believe how hard this made me laugh! thank you!
September 10th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Seanbaby, THIS is one of your best, most brilliant works, and I can say that even after reading all of your superhero Hostess ads on your site!
All I can say about “vagina bees” is (with apologies to Mr. H. Simpson):
“What are you going to do? Unleash the vaginas? Or the bees? Or the vaginas with bees in them so that when you touch them they shoot bees at you?”
“Blowjob during Rambo” really resonated with me, reminding me of the time my wife and I went to see the awful remake of The Fog. We were the only ones in the theater and the movie was so eye-gougingly boring that only her dedicated handjob skills could keep me awake. Ah, the memories!
September 10th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Pat Sajak tit-fucking Vanna White. Awesome!
September 10th, 2009 at 10:02 am
This was really great stuff. I wish you hadn’t thrown in all the dirty bits at the end. The idea of putting notes in balloons sent me spinning. The next thing I remember is coming to with pieces of latex all over the house and notes written in latex straight on to the wall. By the time I got to the end I was already bored, empty, and unexcited. Write another one, only slower.
September 10th, 2009 at 10:02 am
i havent read anything from this guy in a long time now i know why i wonder how this guy is able to get work
September 10th, 2009 at 10:00 am
For a split second I thought, under the “400 Creative Ways to Say I Love You” section it said “Page 66 - Cock Pudding…” instead of “Page 66 - Cook Pudding” and was amazed by how the book seemingly went from 8mph to Mach 3. Still, f’n hilarious stuff from the always on point Seanbaby.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:59 am
You hit the mark again, SB. These self-help articles are a fucking riot.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:57 am
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1830860
September 10th, 2009 at 9:46 am
You know, I give Seanbaby a lot of shit. Now I feel kind of bad, because this was fricken hilarious.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Bacon in the Moonlight: The True (Love)Life story of Sally Struthers and those Fat Motorcycle Twins.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Never a dull moment with you SB. I love the crazy Cock w/ Eyes dirty talk, who the fuck would say that?!
September 10th, 2009 at 9:32 am
That Dennis the Menace cartoon is killing me! I can’t breathe!
September 10th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Do any of these books give directions to the nearest Chilli’s?
September 10th, 2009 at 9:13 am
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES
September 10th, 2009 at 9:12 am
very amusing
September 10th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Do not google “chancres” at work. The pictures are intense.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:01 am
You forgot to mention “Zapp Brannigan’s Guide to Making Love at a Woman”
September 10th, 2009 at 8:59 am
“and it isn’t ahead of it’s time” is the funniest line I’ve read on Cracked in a while.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Hahaha, one of the best ones I’ve read from ya SB
September 10th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Everyone knows it’s centipedes that belong in vaginas!
September 10th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Excellent as usual.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Amazing.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:39 am
how to make love comics. a step by step tutorial in how to get your dick wet? or just some comic about a guy with a cough syrup addiction?
both. but really probably just the second one.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:30 am
I and 2 of my girlfriends did… it was HOT!!! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ He wore us out!!!
September 10th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Beeeeeeeees! Vagina Beeeeees!
September 10th, 2009 at 8:20 am
For the record on #3, “making love” was the old-fashioned term for “wooing” or “courting”, which are old fashioned terms for “trying to get a wife”. Thus, seanbaby misrepresented the book based on his lack of an historical knowledge of the English language.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:17 am
WE REQUIRE MORE VESPENE GAS
September 10th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Two words; vagina bees.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:16 am
This is glorious, pure unadultered gold. If I had a vagina they would be shooting out wet dirty bees.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:11 am
haha, the whole thing was great, but i lost it laughing at the “Well I had a super time too pal!”
good shit seanbaby, always look forward to your articles
September 10th, 2009 at 8:06 am
“It’s bad enough all my money ends up in there, now you want my hair too? What are you, a druid?”
Awesome! LOL! Damn good stuff.
And I fully agree with Randomname. More sex, less spiders. and if there is story about spider sex, I will help him (or her) dispose of the body.
September 10th, 2009 at 8:02 am
oh yeah, nothing spices up the old sex life like a bible reading.
Why am I picturing a bunch of nun’s hitting high notes in unison?
September 10th, 2009 at 7:58 am
h2mlcomix.blogspot.com
(how to make love comics)
September 10th, 2009 at 7:55 am
good lord, that bear cartoon had me crying I was laughing so hard. thank you!!
September 10th, 2009 at 7:55 am
Dude, you are the king of this site.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:53 am
“I wish you had eyes in your cock so you could see how much I love you and love sucking on you.”
Makes me so hot…
Who the fuck thinks this is good sex advice, I mean, seriously. Though Song of Solomon is debatable, the writer of that talks about groping pretty frankly.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Oh, and this really helped me get over the spiders from hell in the other story up today. YEAH CRACKED! MORE SEX, LESS SPIDERS! (and I swear to god, if the next story is about spider sex I’m ending someone’s life)
September 10th, 2009 at 7:45 am
lololol awesome
September 10th, 2009 at 7:44 am
“Stop! All this talk of whoopie is burning my muffins!!”
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
September 10th, 2009 at 7:40 am
You had me at vagina bees.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:39 am
the erotic chatter from the cat in no’2 just confused me.well,sort of ,i gather the lady loves the junk quite a bit but what her fella must think i dont know.is he blind?is that why she wishes he had eyes on his tool?why not in his eye sockets?is it because she spends all her free time with his junk in her mouth? and to have eyes in the normal place would result in a crooked neck?
September 10th, 2009 at 7:38 am
The bear part was relentlessly awesome.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:35 am
“Oh god oh god, I think it’s from the bear”
made my week.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:33 am
The title of “How To Make Love” is laid out in a way that makes it kind of look like “How Make To Love.”
September 10th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Also, I’ve been watching Twin Peaks lately, so to me that one sex picture looks kind of like Agent Cooper fucking Laura Palmer.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:29 am
Re: the balloon thing in that first book: apparently, inflating and/or popping balloons happens to be a sexual fetish. A for-real, people-get-off-on-this, fetish. It may be a coincidence, but at least one of the Frahms might be telegraphing his/her/their deep, fringy, freaky sexual kinks, thinly disguised as a fun party game for two. It’s like saying, “Take turns writing things you love about each other on index cards. Then pee on them.”
September 10th, 2009 at 7:28 am
I love your writing - you made me laugh throughout! K
September 10th, 2009 at 7:27 am
I just noticed the URL for this article; that’s an added bit of awesomeness on an already great article.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:24 am
songs from the bible, fuck no
September 10th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Oh god, Oh god I think it’s from the bear!!!
THAT made me burst out laughing. Perfection.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:19 am
seanbaby ftw
September 10th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Man, that’s was damn funny. Great article man.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:15 am
“I think it’s from the bear!!!” HA
Made my day.
Oh, and I thought it was so strange you mentioned “blowjob during Rambo”. I’ve done this. I also provided beer right beforehand. Yes, it’s strange to hit your head on the bottle every time you come up for air, but hey…we were making memories.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:14 am
LOL awsome article.
September 10th, 2009 at 7:01 am
I feel evil for laughing my ass off through this entire article…
September 10th, 2009 at 7:00 am
oh seanbaby, sometimes, good sir, you poop out solid gold. this was one of those times.
awesome!!!
September 10th, 2009 at 6:53 am
I laughed so loudly at “all this talk of whoopee is burning my muffins” that my boss glared at me. Whoopsie…
September 10th, 2009 at 6:52 am
Best article I’ve read on here yet! Good show, Seanbaby!
September 10th, 2009 at 6:39 am
That was hilarious man. I don’t usually find you funny, but this is one of those articles that made me lol.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:37 am
The article was great, but the best part was in the comments:
“Hi. I’m not posting here looking for cleverly-written articles, hilarious though they may be. I stumbled across this page looking to hook up with chubby, desperate women. If only I could find… oh hey! there’s something like that about 10 entries down! Thank you Cracked; co-sponsor of BigBeautyDate!”
Awesome. The spambots are evolving genitals and gratitude! Skynet is starting!
September 10th, 2009 at 6:37 am
This article was amazing! My gales of laughter made my wife a bit cranky (she’s back in college and she was trying to do homework) but it’s alright because now I have some great tips on making that wrong right.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:36 am
Wow, excellent tips. I hope people will use them befoe they lose the love like I did.
RT
http://www.anon-tools.vze.com
September 10th, 2009 at 6:36 am
“I know women are supposed to be bad with numbers, but I don’t think that’s going to fool her.” That cracked me the fuck up, as did “Why Tits are Better than Watching Cats Die”.
I laughed so ridiculously through the entire article. Good stuff!
September 10th, 2009 at 6:32 am
This was great! Very funny, especially “vagina bees”.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:30 am
I would like to point out all of the different things in this article that nearly made me laugh my throat out of my mouth…but then I’d have to practically re-write the entire article.
Another hit from Seanbaby.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:20 am
omg i dont know when last i laughed this hard!!!
“my vagina bees have been angered! you knew this would happen father!”
seanbaby i will have your babies!!!!
September 10th, 2009 at 6:17 am
I generally find Seanbabies articles to be hilarious, although never really insightful. But who cares?
Ever notice how none of the other writers at cracked.com never reference him in their articles? What up there?
It’s the name, isnt it?
Having “baby” in your name in 2009 is akin to having “dawg” in it.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Laughed so hard people laughed at me.
Chain laughter.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:13 am
My god! That was one of the funniest things I’ve read, easily.
God bless you Sean, I hope you keep these coming.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:13 am
Can’t . . . stop . . .laughing . . . bear . . . attack . . .too . . . funny!
September 10th, 2009 at 6:12 am
My friend recommended me a very interesting place
________ S e e k R i c h. C O M_________ .It is the best dating club for seeking the rich singles, beauties and even hot celebs..what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one. I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy.______TTTTTTTT_____
September 10th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Vagina bees. Oh my God.
Hysterical.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Holy shit, “blowjob during Rambo”. I’m still laughing myself retarded. Reminds me of the time my wife and I watched Commando on our anniversary. …I’m divorced now but, ah what great memories.
September 10th, 2009 at 6:04 am
Hi. I’m not posting here looking for cleverly-written articles, hilarious though they may be. I stumbled across this page looking to hook up with chubby, desperate women. If only I could find… oh hey! there’s something like that about 10 entries down! Thank you Cracked; co-sponsor of BigBeautyDate!
September 10th, 2009 at 6:02 am
Well thanks a lot Sean, you asshat! I was laughing so hard while reading this that I’m sure to be fired.
Well Done!
September 10th, 2009 at 5:56 am
That last picture made my life worth living.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:53 am
That was doth dongtacular
September 10th, 2009 at 5:41 am
lol I think its from the bear……im crying right now lol
September 10th, 2009 at 5:41 am
Jesus. That was a finely tuned article. Well done. Vagina bees.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Very funny, good job!
September 10th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Now I finally know how to make love, and how to avoid angry vagina bees, thanks Seanbaby! I’m going to go try this ’sex’ thing on one of our receptionists!
September 10th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Your article was extremely Hugh-Morris, Seanbaby.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:11 am
No praise can do this justice.
September 10th, 2009 at 5:05 am
the last picture was fantastic
September 10th, 2009 at 5:05 am
hahaha sex for fresh pudding! Im gunna piss my pants!
September 10th, 2009 at 5:01 am
I think I’m now ready to sex up some lovely lady. Ladies of the world prepair! I’m armed with Seanbaby’s words!
September 10th, 2009 at 4:56 am
I remember Mr. Baby writing a similar article several years ago for the San Francisco/Bay Area-based publication, “The Wave.” (Admittedly, with the exception of one on this list, all the books were different.) It was funny then, it’s funny now.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:53 am
What a great article.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:47 am
I love your face. Thank you.