As many of you know, I put my Peabody Award Nominated-series Hate By Numbers™ on hiatus a few months ago so I could pursue my screenplay. Since that time, many of my Facebook friends have been hounding me with one question: “G-Stone, what’s your e-mail address? I need to send you pictures of myself in fishnets.”
But a few of them have also asked about the screenplay. The truth is, it’s not going that well. Although I drafted what I believed to be a timely satirical tale about one man’s amusing struggles against corporate America, my agent felt it was just “too smart” for Hollywood. Actually, he described it as “really not funny,” but I think if you’d seen his face, you’d be able to tell “too smart” is what he meant (I’m assuming here. I actually just got his comments scrawled across the title page when he mailed the script back to me).
So I’d pretty much given up hope of selling it when my agent called me last week with an idea:
“Gladstone!” he screamed. “Why don’t you see if that funny columnist over at Cracked.com could help fix up your screenplay?”
“Oh, Ian Cooper?” I asked. “I’d love to, but he doesn’t work here anymore.”
“No, no. The other one.”
“Oh, Ross Wolinsky! Yeah, he’s great, but he’s on sabbatical.”
“Oh, that’s too bad,” he said. “Well, why don’t you take a shot with whoever’s left over there?”
I must confess that, initially, I hated the idea. I hadn’t tried collaborating with someone from Cracked since I wrote that Valentines Day skit with Those Aren’t Muskets. I guess it turned out funny enough, but every time I shot down one of Swaim’s punchlines he would cry for hours until I stroked his hair and swore to him that one day he’d have a clip-based show on Cracked even more popular than Hate By Numbers™. But in this economy, money is money, and if collaborating with my intellectual and comedic inferiors meant getting paid for a script well then, hey, I was up for it.
So last week, I called an emergency meeting at the Cracked House. Everyone was there on time, but only because of the false incentives I had provided: I told Jack O’Brien that the meeting was a rave where prizes would be given out to the partygoer who took the most X. I told Swaim the meeting was a tutorial on hairstyles that do NOT make you look like an 18th Century English lesbian. I told Dan O’Brien that I was giving a lecture on Dan O’Brien. And I told Robert Brockway that I was giving a lecture on Dan O’Brien (Chris Bucholz wasn’t invited. Not because he isn’t nice or funny, but because I’m still not convinced “being Canadian” is not contagious).
“OK, Gentlemen,” I began. “First, I have some bad news. I lied about what we’re here to discuss. I actually just wanted your help writing a movie. Before each of you is an excerpt from my script Working Man Triumphant — my break out comedic performance where I play a man done wrong by the system. In this scene, our protagonist –me– is laid off by his uncaring boss, so he decides to seek revenge by opening up a rival business. Take a look.”
Everyone started thumbing though the pages, except Dan O’Brien who rolled them up into a tube and stuck it in his fly.
“Look,” he said. “Coming at ya! Get it?”
“Yes, Dan,” I said. “You’ve made a penis out of my script. Very clever.”
“Not just,” he protested. “I also made a pun. Coming at ya? Get it?”
“Good stuff, DOB,” Jack said, as he downed some X. “Remember that for the site.”
“Damn it, Jack,” I yelled. “Can you stay focused? I asked you here to get your ideas on my script, not encourage Dan to make penises out of things. It’s not like he needs encouragement anyway. Do you NOT remember how he Photoshopped the Cracked Christmas cards last year?”
“Well, I’m sorry Gladstone,” Jack mumbled, with tears starting to form in his spinning eyes. “It’s just that my forte is really not writing. It’s titling things. So I looked at this scene and I’m thinking instead of Working Man Triumphant, we go with Crappiest Boss Ever!”
“Thanks Jack, but I’m trying to get this movie released in theaters, not Digg.com.”
“Believe me, Gladstone. I get it,” he said. “If you were trying to land on Digg.com I would have already received 27 whiny Digg Me requests from you.”
(I’ll never know how a man can drop so much X and listen to so much vintage Madonna and still make astute observations like that. I guess that’s why Jack’s the boss.)
But this was going nowhere. I started pacing the room. “Does anyone have any ideas for how I can tweak this movie.”
Robert Brockway, the newest Cracked columnist, was eager to please. “Well,” he said, scratching his beard. “I’m thinking that instead of firing him, the boss kills him with a hammer. A bad news hammer!”
“So you’re suggesting we kill the protagonist of the film in the first scene of the film, am I getting you, Robert?”
But Brockway wasn’t paying attention. He had already curled up his script and stuck it in his fly. “Coming at ya!” I heard him scream, as I turned towards Swaim.
“Swaim. You’ve taken classes. Surely, you have some input?”
“Well, Gladstone. Seems to me you’ve written what’s known as satire here.”
“Yes!” I said.
“You have your protagonist–laid off unfairly from a big defense law firm–open up a plaintiff’s shop and then bring a series of nuisance strike suits against all his former bosses. Revenge.”
“Right!”
“And in doing so, he becomes very rich, very sucessful and, ultimately, just like those he despised.”
“Yes, Swaim. Exactly! So any suggestions?”
“Just one. Burn it. People hate satire, Gladstone. Christ, haven’t you noticed that? Seriously, what is wrong with you?”
“But-”
“He’s right G-Balls,” said DOB. “If you wanted to make a revenge flick, you should just have your proctologist –
“Protagonist,” I corrected.
“Right. You should just have him bone all his bosses’ wives. That’s what I’d do.”
“That’s funny,” Swaim said. “And like some of the wives could be hideous, but he still does them anyway because its more about spite than sex.”
“Yeah,” Brockway shouted. “And then after the sex, he kills them all with a bad news hammer!”
Everyone laughed, and Jack shouted, “Great. I’ll call some venture capitalists I met in Thailand during Spring Break ‘01!”
The meeting broke up shortly after that, and I didn’t think much of it until my agent called this morning.
“Gladstone,” he said. “I got the new script and you’re a genius. Beautiful.”
I put down the “Shouts and Murmurs” section of the New York Times. “What are you talking about?”
“Jack O’Brien sent along the new draft this morning. We already got a rough draft of the new poster! Check your e-mail.”
And so I did:
–(this post is dedicated to Gemineye the Great)
This entry was posted on Thursday, March 12th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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September 28th, 2009 at 3:11 am
I want to stroke Swaim’s hair. . .
August 11th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
ROSS WOLINSKY, my hated archnemesis! Or is Ross Wolanksky, I’m thinking of, or it could be Walsh Wolinsky. Either way, he has been my most hated enemy since our first and only, treacherous encounter on Hellgate London, or was it the comments section of some youtube post. Either way, he is my most hated enemy, unless it is Ross Wolansky I’m thinking of, in which case, I have nothing against Ross Wolinsky.
June 1st, 2009 at 10:19 am
Try Pavaline.com maybe they’ll produce your movie. They helped me!
May 26th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Ha!
You would think that they world have OK’d it at the beginning instead of allowing it to go so long without saying a thing and then bringing it back up when it was too late. I don’t understand it at all. VigRX Plus
May 19th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Oh Sweet Jesus…
March 19th, 2009 at 3:00 am
[...] using it for all my needs whether they be updating my Twitter account, Facebook account, or latest Cracked offering. And then I dropped it. Mind you it was closed and only fell about two feet to the carpeted floor, [...]
March 16th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
“Shouts and Murmurs” is in the New Yorker, ain’t it?
March 16th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Excellent site! I am loving it!! Will come back again - taking you feeds also, Thanks.
March 16th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Thank you for posting this =)
March 15th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: These posts about the bloggers are always fantastic, keep doing them.
March 15th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Just when I start thinking you don’t even know I exist, I get a Gladstonan the Barbarian picture.
My shirtless blogging wish has been photoshopically fulfilled.
March 15th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Ah cracked, you need more Internal Affairs internal affairs, yes it’s asian, but someone needs to get shot.
March 14th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Oh no… Oh god no!!!
Oh and Canadianism is spread through water, just don’t share a water bottle with us, and you’ll be fine.
March 14th, 2009 at 4:43 am
Damn G-Stone, that movie poster is going to haunt me for a while.
I don’t even want to know where you put your sword of Conan.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
It’s OK, Caden. Canadianism isn’t transferable via broadband.
March 13th, 2009 at 10:47 am
you guys need to do more of these stories of what happens when the columnists get together. it never gets old.
March 13th, 2009 at 12:42 am
Imagine?
March 12th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Ha ha. Awesome. It’s fun to imagine everyone who works on this website is just a collection of charictures, making bad sex puns and worrying about if there hair looks more or less like a 18th century lesibian.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
@heloooo: are you implying that this didn’t really happen?
March 12th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
but then I got a big satrical frown on my face, like
<— that. I’m Canadian. That’s okay though, I’ll ignore it, I’m in Canada. Can you catch Candian-ism via internet feed? Probably not.
March 12th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Gladstone, I’m not done the article, but I’m tearing up I’m laughing so hard. Like, holy fuck you just epitomized everything I’ve thought for motnhs with this line “I told Swaim the meeting was a tutorial on hairstyles that do NOT make you look like an 18th Century English lesbian”. Swaim, please don’t get me wrong, I love your stuff. But… he has a point. lol
March 12th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
“I’m still not sure being Canadian isn’t contagious.” XD
If he can come up with stuff like that, why did he cancel the show?
March 12th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Recently, I discovered a hot place
http://www.tallchat.com where many hot tall singles and models who like talking about fashion and love there. I’m an open minded girl from US, I also like playing with tall guys on it.
March 12th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
this is hilarious. i lol’d.
also, i hate people who hate on the cracked columnists, because they do it in such an unfunny way that i know that they themselves have zero sense of humor, and thus could not do better at all. fuckers.
March 12th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Actually, I would watch that movie
March 12th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Nice G-Stone. Very nice.
And Cavemen said Re-BUTT-al.
Heh.
March 12th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Brilliant.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I think, (after watching that valentines thing)
that all of you crazy cracked fucks should ALL make a video or write an article TOGETHER.
with ALL of you in it. Maybe Wolinsky too.
If you all aren’t too drugged up, insane, or just plain angry to do it.
Im jus’ say’n. It could be bigger than DOB’s paper penis.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Well, I know what my Christmas card design for next season is!!
Too funny, Gladstone.
Btw that movie poster is really disturbing, even if the tagline is hilarious.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Okay, so Brockway did a hilarious article talking crap about the other columnists, now HBN has done another hilarious one… It’s time for DOB’s rebuttal…
March 12th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Really funny.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
GENIUS, as always, G-spot.
March 12th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
“i told Dan O’Brien that i was giving a lecture on Dan O’Brien.”
hahaha that alone made me crack up. brilliantly written!
March 12th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
So, you are saying that Robert Brockaway copies everything that DOB does or at the very least wants to be DOB…
But in the end…
Doesn’t everyone?
March 12th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
WHY ISNT THIS A FILM YET SOMEBODY CALL PARAMOUNT!!!!!
March 12th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
I would pay at least 9 dollars to see this movie.
I would pay 500 dollars to be in this movie.
I would pay 5000 dollars to be in the Facebook Girl.
March 12th, 2009 at 11:48 am
i thoroughly enjoyed that, as i usually do good sir.
March 12th, 2009 at 11:34 am
oh god that was hilarious,
i almost pissed myself at that picture
March 12th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Every time I read MrChaos (I refuse to believe you have a doctorate simply because you say you’re a Doctor, “Doctor”), it feels familiar. A presence I have not felt since…
No matter. He speaks against Cracked.com at almost every opportunity, but he obviously loves this “shit”.
And he loves Net_Work? What? I mean, I think it’s good, but everyone else here always speaks out against it. Whats up with that, Doc?
By the by, now you sound like an American, the same ones you spoke out against not that long ago.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:38 am
HEY LOOK!!!!! THE FACEBOOK CHIC’S PICTURE WAS IN THIS ARTICLE, man she’s hot.
And yeah Cougar Club, got to remember to check that out.
Also, Doctorchaos, nobody gives a fuck about your Ebert and Roper treatment of every single article on Cracked.com ,so the next time you feel the need to let loose one of your negative “steaming piles of wordcrement” ………Don’t. (wordcrement was pretty funny though)
What else, let’s see…. Oh yeah, Great job Gladstone, really. Just next time find a way to work in murdered people and this article would have been perfect.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:10 am
This movie needs to be made like fucking yesterday already.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:07 am
That could actually be a pretty awesome movie…
March 12th, 2009 at 9:52 am
I hate to burst your bubble, but they’ve already released a movie about getting revenge by doing your boss’ wife:
Cougar Club (2007). Lets just say it didn’t do so well…
March 12th, 2009 at 9:50 am
I hate to burst your bubble
March 12th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Glad I could help.
March 12th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Good stuff!!
**** RichFriends.org ***where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just GO and hook up the sexy singles now! (18+ please)
March 12th, 2009 at 8:46 am
why does everyone make jack crazy and on drugs now in articles?! stop it! it’s funny when he is the victim!
March 12th, 2009 at 8:09 am
After you grow your hair out like that, I will buy you the crown and give you the fitness videos. That is your new life goal.
@Tetsudai
Did you know CollegeHumor got a TV show? … You know what’s after movies, right?
@DoctorChaos
Why is it that whenever you leave a comment, it’s always ‘LOLZ!! I MEEN UNLOLZ CUZ DIS WUZ NOT TEH FUNNE!!’. If you don’t like it, just click ‘back’.
March 12th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Gladstone, Gladstone, Gladstone…
Why are you trying to break into the movie industry? Your place is here, on the internet, contributing to the death of the movie industry as well as other traditional media industries.
March 12th, 2009 at 7:47 am
I laughed so hard that residual awesome came out of my nose.
March 12th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Nice
March 12th, 2009 at 7:07 am
The triumphant return of Gladstone AND the Bad News Hammer… this just made my entire day. Thank you, Cracked
March 12th, 2009 at 7:04 am
who the fuck does DoctorChaos think he is? I hope I’ve just failed to pick up on the sarcastic tone of his comment
March 12th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Should have just added more chainsaws. Chainsaws make everything better.
March 12th, 2009 at 6:32 am
funny shit glad that gladstone is back
u can put this lame joke in your script
March 12th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Yeah, a cracked movie, or serie. I’d be like a mixture of “the office” with an adult version of “the animaniacs”.
March 12th, 2009 at 6:05 am
Also, to Orchid.
Conan The Librarian was briefly featured in a movie called UHF back in 1989. It also had Michael RIchards and Fran Drescher in it, before they got famous obviously.
It was a pretty funny film overall. In some places it was released as “The Vidiot from UHF”
March 12th, 2009 at 6:00 am
Well you did better than SWAIM and whoever the hell wrote that literary shitfest with the pic of the hot chick not actually taking her top off, but I’m sorry man, you lost me about half way through when all the funny leaked out the bottom of my monitor and congealed into another ugly stain on my desk I can’t be bothered removing.
There seems to be a bit of a pattern here. People who make really funny vids, write utter shit. You really gotta stick with what you’re good at. I don’t see the two Mikes from Network ruining their reputations with steaming piles of wordcrement. They know their talent is vids and that’s what they do.
Whenever you do a vid it’s good, damn good, so stick to that and don’t waste our time with barely chuckleworthy scriblings. Either that or make a list based article, those things practically write themselves.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:20 am
One of these days, it would be great to have Jack write an article over all the blogger’s addictions. Just for some perspective you see. . .but X is a hell of a drug to write under.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:19 am
Awww, Thanks buddy! You really just made my year. Let me know when you want to get a drink. I am going to digg the fuck out of you. Cheers G-stone!
March 12th, 2009 at 5:15 am
Wow, the Cracked staff meetings sure seem like drug-addled hilarity. Ecstasy, cocaine, mescaline, drinking (Jack Juice). What’s next - mainlining heroin? You guys are so zany. It’s all so edgy and unconventional. Mainstream comedy writers probably aren’t that radical. You guys must be super talented.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:09 am
Right … now can you finally bring back Hate By Numbers ™?
March 12th, 2009 at 5:05 am
Glad to see your back Gladstone. And ya, Cracked is due for another vid with several writers in it, like The Internet Party.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:02 am
Very good
March 12th, 2009 at 4:56 am
There is absolutely no reason for Cracked not to be in theaters right now. For that matter, I’d settle for a series of short films set in the Cracked workplace, complete with random Jackonyms and DOB bursting into the room. This needs to happen, Cracked. I won’t forgive you if it doesn’t.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:54 am
It’s good to see that all that working out is really paying off though the background sort of says “Conan the Librarian”.
And this was one of your funniest pieces to date. Of course, mining the Cracked staff has a good chance of producing comedy gold since it covers a broad spectrum of easy to make fun of mental disorders.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:51 am
I hope to see more Swaim + Gladstone action… Still can’t decide who is my favourite
March 12th, 2009 at 4:49 am
seemed kind of familiar for some reason
the article was so funny it made me want to put a towel on my bed for some reason
March 12th, 2009 at 4:47 am
ahhh Gladstone. Your humor warms the cockles of my hearts. That’s right, hearts. Four of them. Like cows’ stomachs. I’ve been studied.
I got a bad review from my phd supervisor today so I feel your pain. Something about a ‘lack of focus’ and a ‘need to work on my theory’. Maybe she’s jealous of my extra hearts….can’t say for sure…
March 12th, 2009 at 4:28 am
Unfortunately I seem to understand your agent… because, you see, this article… wasn’t funny.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:24 am
if The Whitest Kids You Know can make a movie, it’s only natrual Cracked’s movie would be better.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:15 am
Good stuff!!
****** Seek Rich. –c om ******where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just sign up and hook up the sexy singles now! (18+ please)
March 12th, 2009 at 4:04 am
Lol!