We've already pointed out all the ways working in an office can kill you, but you probably thought you were safe standing at a cash register or handing people their no-whip low-fat iced cafe fartes. Outside of an irate customer throwing whipped cream in your eye, or contracting something nasty from all that filthy money, what's the worst that could happen?
A lot, it turns out. No matter what job you have, there seems to be something out to get you. Such as ...
6 Rotating Shifts Can Give You Cancer And Diabetes (And Cause You To Blow Up Nuclear Plants)
Have you ever heard someone brag that they pack all 40 of their hours into a few long shifts, leaving them four days to do all the cool stuff you don't get to do? Or that they work the night shift so they don't have to deal with all of you awful, disgusting people? Next time you see them, you should tell them they're going to die. That'll show 'em. That'll wipe that smug look right off their face ... unless they fell asleep in the middle of your sentence, which they probably did.
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This actually has nothing to do with this article; all the stock photo models are drunk today.
There are definitely perks to shift work, but the downsides include heart disease, ulcers, obesity, diabetes, and freaking cancer. The problem is that it disrupts your circadian rhythm, which is like your internal clock that tells you when it's time to eat and shit and sleep, like some kind of seriously overinvolved babysitter. This basically putting you in permanent jet lag. That sounds like kind of a wussy complaint, but it fucks you up in short order. It has the same effect as accelerated aging, everyone's least favorite superpower.
Befitting the old person you've become, you even start to lose cognitive ability. Taking your sleep schedule hostage results in a severe case of what is scientifically known as the brain fuzzies. That's annoying enough when you start walking into rooms and forgetting what you went in there for, but it also results in tons of workplace accidents. You know, like this:
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"Everyone who would have fired me is dead, so ... three-day weekend?"
Yeah, they think the Chernobyl disaster was caused by the fatigue of shift work. Maybe consider that when they offer you night shift incentives. And if you work nights, it might be time to get a more traditional 9-to-5 job, but hopefully one that's pretty close to your home, because ...
5 Commuting Increases Depression And Ruins Your Sleep
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Nobody likes sitting in traffic every morning, but it's not the worst thing, right? You take a few deep breaths, put on a good audiobook (or an even better podcast) and let it go. Except you're not. Statistically, you're really super not.
We'll put this delicately: Commuting is turning your life into a living hell. People who travel more than 30 minutes to work report higher anxiety and lower levels of happiness and life satisfaction. Just 10 miles between your bed and your desk is enough to make you more likely to be depressed. Commuters even report a higher likelihood of having "the sense that their daily activities lack meaning." That's fancy talk for an existential fucking crisis. Pretty heavy for just sitting there.
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"Is it too late to go back and get a pump of arsenic instead of vanilla?"
It doesn't end with your broken psyche, either. Commuting also messes with your sleep, and not just because you're sacrificing sleepy time to spend an hour next to a booze-smelling construction worker on the bus -- the sleep you do get is shittier and you wake up more exhausted. It gets worse: Traveling more than 10 miles every morning raises your blood sugar, cholesterol, and blood pressure. Holy shit, commuting is the equivalent of eating a Big Mac and doing a speedball before taking the SATs naked in front of Jennifer Lawrence, every day.
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"Ha! Look how tiny his verbal score is!"
Even the mode of transportation makes a difference, and not the way you'd think. For example, it seems like walking or biking would give you all the feel-happy resulting from endorphins and good old-fashioned fresh air, while traveling in your own car would make you more susceptible to social isolation and other psychological nasties, given all that time you're spending alone with your terrible, terrible self. Well, it turns out fresh air can suck it. People traveling in their own vehicles were better off than anyone else, including walkers, cyclists, and bus riders. So buy a damn car already, you cheap bastard, and start going places with it. But don't get carried away, or you could make things even worse ...