4 Your Intestines Grow Outside of Your Body
Anyone who's ever had a hernia or mistaken Taco Bell for food can tell you that when your intestines try to escape your body, it's pretty unpleasant. Which is probably why we've blocked out the memory of that very thing happening to us when we were just 2 months old.
Right around Week 6, a growing human will start to form its intestinal tracts inside the umbilical cord, the gut-tether connecting you to the placenta. That's because an infant's gastrointestinal tract is divided into three main sections: the foregut, which contains everything from your mouth to your stomach; the midgut, which goes from your intestines to the pancreas; and the hindgut, which is everything else right up to your poop chute. Unfortunately, that's a lot of guts to fit into one tiny human body, which at 2 months old decides to save some space by herniating your midgut out through your bellybutton and into a floppy pink sock. Your gut will continue to bore deeper into the umbilical cord and develop there, completely outside of your body, so that you can watch it all with your lidless eyes and scream with your asshole-mouth.
We could give you a closer look at this. Instead, here's a tasteful assortment of butcher's meats.
3You're Covered in Cheese Wax
See that white stuff? No, somebody's not trying to keep a baby from sticking to the table by rolling it in flour. That's called vernix caseosa, and it's found on all babies during the last trimester of the pregnancy. Its name comes from the Latin words vernix (varnish) and caseosa (cheesy), which just goes to show you that you should never go naming gross medical curiosities on an empty stomach.
Try not to empty your stomach until after you've named it.
The white gunk is actually a biofilm, and you can think of it as a sealant for a newborn's skin. Vernix caseosa serves a ton of important functions, like effectively waterproofing us while in the uterus so that we don't come out all wrinkly and looking like Benjamin Button. The varnish also has mutant-like antibiotic properties and helps with heat regulation.
The liquid cellophane usually fades off once your lungs develop and you lose most of your duck-like properties. That's why preterm babies are apparently drenched with the stuff, but full-term babies only have patches of it left. There is one other good side to vernix caseosa, but it's not your boon. Considering that vernix is greasier than the floor at McDonald's, many doctors believe that the slippery coating makes childbirth a little easier for the mom. See, that's why you're naturally covered in cheese varnish -- to lube you out of the vagina with minimal tearing. Childbirth truly is a wonderful thing.
We'd warn against using cream cheese as lube, but you're already headed for the kitchen.