Among the many, many complaints old people have about the modern world, one of the most common is that there are no "real men" anymore. What happened to the rugged tough guys who spent their entire lives drinking, hunting moose and whistling at every pretty girl who passed by their construction site?
Well, science says there might be something to this one. Testosterone levels in America are dropping like there's no tomorrow. Why? Well ...
5Modern Life Deprives Men of the Sun (on Their Dick)
When we think of archetypical manly men, we think of people like John Wayne, or Ernest Hemingway, or even -- if we dare -- Teddy Roosevelt. Despite their vastly different professions and lifestyles, they all had one thing in common: They all enjoyed the rugged outdoorsy lifestyle. Come to think of it -- the occasional Don Draper notwithstanding -- pretty much all of the truly manly characters we can imagine seem to have a healthy boner for the great outdoors.
"Man, it must be this fresh air or something, but ... I'm probably going to fuck this lunch."
It's all about the sun, the celestial body you may know better as that pesky bright thing that keeps shining on your monitor while you're trying to think up rebuttals to YouTube comments. Or rather, it's about vitamin D, which is largely provided to us by said sun. Vitamin D levels correlate with testosterone levels, so the more sun a guy gets, the more man-chemicals his body churns out. That's why everyone's horny during the sunniest months.
The thing is, these days most folks live in cities, or at least work indoors during the majority of the sunny time of day, so all that free vitamin D is left hammering our roofs in naked desperation.
Too ashamed to get a Viagra prescription? Try sitting pantsless under a sunroof.
However, speaking of naked ... there is a way for the modern man to load up on sun in the extra-speedy manner that suits today's hectic life. See, what really needs the sunlight the most is a man's dick. Skipping all that "modesty" and "pants" horse crap and exposing male genitals to direct sunlight is said to increase testosterone levels by a neat 200 percent.
Be warned, though -- there's only one study on this, from 1939, and we don't know that it wasn't just a huge prank. Still, what does a busy modern man in desperate need of that testosterone fix have to lose? Besides his pale complexion and status as a non-sex offender?
"Excuse me while I slip out of something more comfortable."