5Contra: Hard Corps: Beat the Disco Robot, Become a Prehistoric Monkey King
Contra games are usually pretty straightforward: You walk in the same direction, shooting everything that crosses your path until you get to the boss. Contra: Hard Corps for Sega Genesis, however, lets you take a small detour from the main game if you find the hidden man in the top hat, who offers you a chance to partake in something called the Battle Arena.
"All you have to do is put on this thong and ..."
If you accept, you find yourself in a secret room where you have to fight a disco-boots-wearing, Afro-having robot with cool shades who attacks you with a whip and shoots fish pastries at you.
Really should have seen this coming.
When beaten, the Disco Robot will erupt into fish pastries and explode.
This is how all video game bosses should die, always.
Your next opponent is a giant zombie in a dress pushing around her baby slime monster in a carriage with a turret on the front ... but you know what, this still makes more sense than the previous guy.
This is precisely why you say no to men with top hats.
And finally, the third opponent is a robot who warps around the room by ripping holes in the fabric of space, and who manages to look really out of place here by at least resembling a normal Contra enemy. So then you go back to the normal game, right? Nope: Defeating it will cause your character to get sucked into one of its portals ...
... and get sent back to the Cretaceous Period, where he'll find himself surrounded by freaked out monkeys and a really thrilled Apatosaurus.
At this point, we're not even surprised that the monkeys have glasses.
Cut to several years later: Your character is now king of the monkeys, for lack of anything better to do.
Those monkeys are livid that he got the sexiest monkey wife.
The motherfucking end. Credits start rolling, and it's over. Oh, what's that? You wanted to return to the normal game? Then we hope you remembered to save before you walked into this insanity, buddy.
4Perfect Dark: The Hidden Cheese Wedges
Perfect Dark was the spiritual successor to GoldenEye 007 on the Nintendo 64, only instead of being James Bond, shooting Russians in the crotch, you're Joanna Dark, fighting an alien conspiracy at Area 51. But, as you go through the game, you may stumble across a different, far more insidious conspiracy: There is a single piece of cheese hidden in every level. For some reason.
Seriously. You can find them behind grates ...
Air vents: Not just for hiding serial killer blood slides.
... on shelves ...
... in the toilet ...
It's that or a really big piece of corn.
... and so on. There are 22 pieces in all, but you can't pick them up or photograph them or even eat them -- the game gives you absolutely nothing for finding them all, other than the depressing feeling that you've wasted a significant portion of your life tracking down and looking at pixelated cheese.
And it's not like they're a piece of cake to find: You have to go through some absurd measures to find some of them. A couple require you to complete little challenges, like not being seen or not taking damage for the first part of the level, while others require you to look through the sniper scope to catch a fleeting glimpse of them.
Who was the first person to find this, and what went wrong in their lives?
We can only speculate on why the game's creators did this. Maybe Area 51 has a mouse problem and the cheese is poisoned. Maybe the pieces of cheese are remnants of a more complex feature that the company scrapped during production. Or maybe they're just fucking with us. We'll never know (but it's definitely the last one).