The 7 Most Questionable 'Haunted' Items on eBay
So, it turns out that eBay is full of "haunted" (or cursed, or possessed) items people are trying to get rid of. These fall into two categories: items being sold by the mentally ill or extremely superstitious (whom we just feel sorry for), and worthless junk being sold by hucksters hoping someone is stupid enough to buy them if they claim it's magic.
These items are the latter. Here are some of this year's braver efforts to profit from the superstitions of idiots.
#7. "MOST HAUNTED MAGIC BABY GIRL DOLL MURDERED BY HER OWN MOTHER SHE IS VERY ACTIVE"
We have so many questions about this one that we're not sure where to begin. Why did the little girl who owned this doll have it painted with weird fake nail polish blood? Did that happen after it became haunted? When your friends ask you why you bought something that looks like a rejected prop from the movie Se7en, and you tell them it's because it's possessed by ghosts, do you expect them to ever talk to you again?
In any event, you better be careful bidding on this one, because it's ONE OF THE MOST HAUNTED POSSESSED ITEMS THEY HAVE EVER INVESTIGATED. And it comes with free shipping.
eBay.com
It'd be downright irresponsible to sell a demon-possessed toy without a warning.
The auction page, adorned with animated spinning pentagram gifs straight off a 1994 Geocities site, tells the story of Reagan, the really seriously haunted and potentially evil murder doll. If you pick this one up, you can expect your home to be filled with electrical disturbances and the screaming and crying of spirits being tortured in hell. Did we mention the free shipping?
Luckily the doll is "manageable" now after the owners have been "working with her for several weeks," whatever that means. So this is a domesticated screaming hellbeast now?
eBay.com
That's the flaming pentagram of quality.
#6. "Very Old White Witch Handcrafted Powerful Item to Rid Insomnia"
How do you make money from a half-broken old pine cone? Stick a couple of craft-store googly eyes onto it, and suddenly it's a "very old" magical ancient sleep charm crafted by a powerful witch.
It's a good thing it's possessed by the ethereal powers of an otherworldly realm, because otherwise there is no way we would ever bring this ass ugly thing into our home.
eBay.com
What a lovely shade of poop mustard.
The auctioneer explains that this "very fragile delicate cute little feller" was made in 1948 from an unnamed "third generational White Witch." They go on to say that it "looks like it has been made from pine cones," but they don't seem too sure.
One can imagine "ghostlyencounter45" is pretty hard up for cash to give up the ability to sleep for such a low low price. But our hearts really go out to the poor fool who actually bought it for $24.95 plus shipping.
eBay.com
Is anyone else uncomfortably reminded of the California Raisins?
#5. "Haunted Doll 'Arson' Ironacally Died in a Fire"
"Arson" is the name of a doll haunted by the ghost of a girl who "ironacally" died in a fire. The description says this one comes with the added bonus that the doll will warn you about any fire hazards in your home.
eBay.com
Such as her hair.
The seller weaves an overly comprehensive and oddly specific tale about a man who named his daughter "Arson" because he thought fire was beautiful. Then one day, the man's boss asked him to set fire to his business so he could collect the insurance money and for some reason the man complied.
But surprise! It all turned out to be an elaborate scheme for the boss to kill his wife, and so Arson's father went to jail for the rest of his life and she was pretty sad about it. Also, on a completely unrelated note, Arson later ironically died in a completely different fire.
If you make it through five paragraphs of a story that turns out to have nothing whatsoever to do with anything, the seller finally explains that Arson's ghost lives inside this doll now. And because she's belatedly wise to the concept of fire safety, she tends to bug people about in-home fire hazards, as "she will pester you until they are fixed and no longer a hazard."
Because that's what you need in your home, a possessed doll who keeps bitching to you about double-stacked adapters.
"Karaoke night just isn't worth it!"
#4. "HAUNTED CHILDS OLD TOY LAMB SEEKS DEAD GIRL"
"Thegallowsofsalem66" is hocking a haunted plush toy that doesn't even resemble a lamb accidentally. If your child came home carrying this thing, you'd probably assume she found it lodged in a sewer grate or behind a trash can, which are the only places it rightfully belongs. But what sets this apart from all the other useless crap in your attic is that it's possessed by the soul of a girl named Cindy who was killed in a hit and run. How is this a selling point? We don't know, either.
eBay.com
The caps lock makes a compelling case.
According to an unreadable red wall of text, you can hear Cindy's voice emanating from the lamb, which "sounds distorted and like an old record playing that will keep skipping." Also there are orbs or something.
Cindy's mother was understandably distraught by all of this, but as luck would have it, she was also an amateur paranormal sleuth who knew an "investigator" who could test the toy for hauntedness. Sure enough, after the lamb cried all over his floor, he concluded that it carries with it the ghost of the little girl.
So what does her mother do when she finds out that she's harboring the ghost of her dead daughter? She sells it on eBay for 20 bucks. Thanks, Mom.
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"We bought Timecop on DVD and some sandwich meat. It's what you would have wanted."
These remind me of the "neonazis" that like to hang around trains stations in Europe; they think being ugly is worth money.
ReplyI'd like to point out that if anything is proven to be haunted, ever it will be a doll. If it's anything else I will call bullshit. Even if it's a creepy old house, with walls that bleed, and the ability to speak, teleport and time travel, I will find a rational explanation.
ReplyBut dolls...fuck, they're almost as bad as clowns
I know I've become desensitized to this kind of bullshit when the thing that bothers me most is that "Ailfrid" is not Gaelic. It's f*****g Old English. Come on, sketchy eBay purveyor of fake haunted goods, do your research!
ReplyAfter the initial schlock shock of #7, which convinced me (if I needed convincing, that is) that there are some seriously serious weirdos outcropping in various places in the USA, the remainder (#6 to #1) just told me that there are more of them than you could shake a magic stick (aka "wand") at.
ReplyWhat haunts me, and I'm a UK citizen so what the hell (with sulpherous flames and pitchforks) it should be doing to US citizens, is that these people presumably have the right to vote and you have a slew of bona fide evilly possessed Republican candidates available (*shudders as icy cold tingle goes up spine*).
I love the sheer bathos of selling anything even vaguely supernatural on eBay.
ReplyI effin' LOVE Timecop.
ReplyI have a haunted box of expired Lucky Charms from 1998. Some say the spirit of its former morbidly obese owner is trapped in there from when he keeled over and died from massive complications from type 2 diabetes and heart disease. Certified haunted by the Atlantic Supernatural Society (A.S.S.)
ReplyZippy was relisted by the seller after nobody wanted him. Of course they chose a close-up of his face as the new article picture, so when you click on the link on ebay it looks like Zippy is jumping out of your computer screen.
ReplyThere was once a haunted doll from New Hampshire,
ReplyPossessed by a girl from a fire.
It vomited fiery chunks,
Smelled like burnt skunks,
And was traded online for spare tires.
The new owners were thrilled with this deal,
no sense of shame nor fear did they feel.
Until they conceived,
And then were bereaved,
When the doll made their daughter its meal.
And now on Ebay an offer awaits,
Those who toy with the future and fate.
A dark leering doll,
Which consumes wayward souls,
At the low price of 12 dollars 98.
THIS IS A HAUNTED KEYBOARD WHEN I PRESS BUTTONS AN ANCIENT NATIVE AMERICAN SPIRIT TRANSMITS IT INTO WORDS!!!! DON'T MISS THIS AMZING 100% HAUNTED DEAL!!!
ReplyI can't believe all but #1 sold for real money....and some for more than $50! I need to get into this racket...
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesI have a FOR REAL LEGIT HAUNTED THERMOS! It's haunted by two different ghosts! I put in hot coffee and the spirit of a dead Native American keeps it warm! But when I put in a cold beverage, the spirit of a dead cowboy keeps it cold!
I must have it! Name your price!!!!
I just can't imagine WHY people would want to buy haunted or evil dolls. They are creepy enough to begin with without the demonic possession....
What if you put something in at room temperature? Is there a ghost for that?
uh .. damn ....
Yeah right, you sheep would all probably drop your life savings on this crap if Cracked wrote an article praising it.
Rayzorblades hasn't got a clue what the definition of sarcasm is nor how to detect it....
I must have that thermos! How about ONE MILLION DOLLARS?!!?
Don't you love how many people on the internet think that all caps makes their post somehow seem more important, when in reality they just look like a complete tool. You also gotta love the whole "You don't wanna miss this guys seriously this thing is so haunted and special!" while it's being sold in a freakin' internet auction.
ReplyI have a 100% guaranteed foolproof elephant repelling stone. Carry this around and you will never have to worry about being attacked by wild rampaging elephants ever again! Starting big of $300. disclaimer: Offer nor valid in Africa or within 5 miles of any zoo or circus.
Replythe #4 unreadable wall of red text was readable to color blind people, just saying
ReplyExcept that completely misses the point?
Kay then, that's totally something that needed just sayin'.
#1 scares the s**t out of me! LOL
ReplyZippy might be PURE EVILNESS, WRETCHED CURSED HEX waiting to be set free from its cellophane prison to wreck havoc on our plane of existence...but he also comes with $1.32 of eBay bucks if I buy him from eBay Canada. Seems like a good deal to me.
Reply-ONE OF A KIND- Mystical Nibiru warding necklace. *SPOOKY* This necklace was haunted by an ancient Aztec priestess, and will prevent the destruction of the whatever planet you happen to be living on when 12/21/12 rolls around. On 12/22/12 when the world hasn't been destroyed everyone will have YOU to thank for winning this auction and saving us all. Starting bid $500.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies$500 for a Nibiru warding necklace!? What do you take me for, a f*****g idiot with cash to spare? I can't believe anyone would fall for that. If you had a Pazuzu warding necklace on the other hand...
What a dumbass. Everyone knows that a mystical Nibiru warding necklace is used for alien sex orgies, not preventing destruction. Wow, do some research for once.
I thought they were for exorcisms..
SOMEONE HELP ME!!! I have a haunted used condom possessed by the ghost of a guy named SEX who ironacally died from an STD while using it. It has been rated GRADE A0 by the Royal Nigerian Paranormal Investigators Of Weirdness And Unusual Spelling, based in Washington DC. I assure you, using it WILL PROTECT YOU FROM CATCHING ANY STDs.
ReplySo wait, the infected guy died while using this condom? So the inside of it is infected with an STD? This sounds dubious at best, unless...
Unless he was infected with Super-AIDS! My Ghost Professor told me Super-AIDS is the cure for normal STD's and STI's! Of course, it's so simple...
Wait, Sven... you're right. He died from an STD while using it... I suppose he presumably had the STD prior to using the condom? I was really hoping that the RNPIOWAUS was going to spell "PENIS" or something but then I realized it didn't. I would've enjoyed that.
But honestly, what the heck is that goopy red stuff on the doll in the first entry? Jam? Melted popsicle? It looks so sticky. Ew.
ReplyI believe it's what allows the doll to be shipped for free....
This seemed like more of a webpage critique then anything.
Reply