6 Ways Bacteria Will Prevent the Apocalypse
Not all bacteria is of the flesh-eating, "kill it before it kills you" variety. Some of it is actually good for you. Maybe you've seen the commercials where it helps Jamie Lee Curtis poop, for instance.
But even more beneficial than that, there are some strains of bacteria that not only can perform massive, superhero-level feats, but are probably going to be what stands between us and an apocalyptic future. Feats like ...
#6. Controlling the Weather
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If you've ever been unlucky enough to get caught in a hailstorm then you probably know that it's goddamn painful. And while at the time you may have been rhetorically asking the heavens why they were so insistent firing tiny balls of ice at your face, now you have an actual answer: Nearly 85 percent of all hailstones have bacteria at the center.
"I have come here to chew bubblegum and fuck up new cars. And I'm all out of bubblegum."
The bacteria is called Pseudomonas syringae and when it's kicked up into the air, it collects condensation fury, forming water droplets (or in the case of hail, death pellets). Generally the moisture in clouds needs something to cling around in order to create precipitation, and the syringae provide the perfect nucleus.
Howard F. Schwartz
Pseudomonas syringae, seen here biding its time.
So how does this information help us? Well it could allow us to weaponize water, destroying the windshields of our most hated enemies. Or we could use it to stop droughts.
What? How?
We know that this particular bacteria causes water to freeze about 7 degrees Fahrenheit higher than usual, which means it can create snow and ice in slightly warmer temperatures. For that reason, mountain resorts have been using Pseudomonas syringae bacteria to make fake snow since the late '80s. But for anyone who's not jetsetting to Aspen this winter, there are more practical applications as well. Scientists say it's possible that planting crops already infected with these bacteria may help overcome droughts by inducing rain.
Anne Sherwood, New York Times
The scientists assured reporters that they had "no plans for supervillainy" and then
cackled like mad men for 12 solid minutes.
The bacteria is whipped up into the air the same way the pollen of plants would be, except once it climbs high in the atmosphere, the Pseudomonas syringae encourages rain in the area. Even if you're not on board with the idea of genetically engineering plants to be infected with bacteria, researchers think that just planting crops that encourage the bacteria would have a similar effect. And likewise, planting crops that the bacteria doesn't like might encourage droughts. So there might come a day when solving the world's water problems is just a matter of ordering up some manipulative microbes.
And practical jokes are about to take a big step up.
#5. Colonizing Other Planets
Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences
An unspoken rule among party-goers is that anyone left at the end of the night helps to clean up a little, so naturally everybody tries to leave early to avoid dealing with the mess. Well what if we could apply that same lack of accountability to Earth? If we never solve the energy crisis and don't get a handle on greenhouses gases, it may be possible in the future to just leave for another planet. Surely we won't screw that one up, right?
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Second planet's a charm!
Apparently, a bacteria called Deinococcus radiodurans is going to help us along the way.
What? How?
Deinococcus radiodurans, which is nicknamed "Conan the Bacterium" is famous for its ability to not die. It shrugs off an astronomical amount of radioactivity, up to 1.5 million Rads, which is equivalent to 1.5 million Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or 3,000 times more radiation than it takes to kill a human. It's also about 750,000 times more than the maximum daily measured radiation on Mars. See where we're going with this?
How many of these do we have to eat to gain their powers?
You may know that "terraforming" is the process of making another planet, like Mars, more Earth-like before we even get there. Obviously that's difficult if not impossible if the work involves millions of humans in bulky suits and hundreds of ships taking them back and forth. But microbes like Deinococcus radiodurans open up the possibility of sending a bunch of them spilling out onto the Martian surface and letting them do the work for us. For instance, even if Mars had our atmosphere, we couldn't grow plants there because the soil is toxic. But we have decoded the genome of Deinococcus radiodurans, and therefore could one day engineer a version that would change the composition of the Martian soil, making it plant-friendly.
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Apparently Mars needs bacteria, not women.
But there are broader applications; just examining the way the microbe resists damage from radiation tells us a lot about how to engineer other things to do the same (radiation is normally harmful because it damages DNA, and Deinococcus radiodurans has a mechanism for rapidly repairing that damage). We could theoretically do everything from engineering goods to survive the long trip through space to genetically altering the astronauts themselves to be impervious supermen. HOW COULD THAT POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
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"This place is awful. Can't we just go take over Earth?"
#4. Eating Battleships
Emory Kristof, National Geographic
The biggest problem with ships is that when they're old and unusable, there's nowhere to retire them other than the bottom of the ocean. The U.N. estimates that over 3 million ships are located on the ocean floor, with fewer than a thousand that anyone has any plans to clean up. And that's not even covering all the defunct oil rigs down there. As cool as it might be to go exploring sunken battleships on the bottom of the sea in search of treasures and corpses, what we really need is a way to clean up the mess.
Milbi007
Drain cleaner and a Super Soaker?
Enter the Halomonas titanicai, a bacteria that loves eating metal and could do all the cleaning up for us.
What? How?
Before Titanic was a convenient way to see Kate Winslet naked, it was actually a ship. And had anyone known how many movies she would get naked in after Titanic, we probably could have avoided the whole thing. Anyway, the real ship sank in 1912, where it sat undisturbed for over 70 years. Well, "undisturbed" isn't entirely accurate. During that time, a bacteria sprouted colonies all over the vessel and they are eating the Titanic.
James Cameron's Oscar is somewhere in there.
These bacteria adhere to metal, then create rust knobs which appear to be slowly devouring the ship. It's good news for anyone who is mildly interested in ocean health, but sadly, bad news for anyone who was substituting an old cruise ship for an actual relationship.
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"Just knowing they're together now is enough for me."
Because of the great work the bacteria is doing on the Titanic, researchers don't see any reason we can't use the same cultures to clean up other oil rigs and ships. Or, conversely, knowing exactly how the bacteria eats away at metal can inform how we build boats in the future so that they are stronger. By finding a way to prevent this bacteria from colonizing, we can ensure that oil rigs stay structurally sound for a lot longer. Then again, if one of them collapses and it's resistant to the bacteria, then we're right back where we started with steel trash on the floor of the ocean.
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At least this will make a pretty reef.
This seems as good an idea as creating Artificially Intelligent Robots.
ReplyProbably should try to learn more about the how our GI systems work, and cure things like Crohn's disease, before force-feeding strange bacteria into our children. Though I doubt anything like that would ever truly be safe or controllable, anyway.
ReplyThere is little reason to doubt it would be. Cows digest food using bacteria. Our immune systems don't randomly turn on us and eat us alive.
It would definitely be controllable. You just need to understand what hormones to use, the chemical signals used between bacteriums. That is no difficult task for modern science to accomplish.
The Gulf already has a dead zone every year due to the excess nitrogen causing excess algae which kills off fish and other creatures because it sucks all the oxygen out of the water. I don't imagine MORE nitrogen in the gulf would be helpful...
Reply(Psst, psst...CO2 has a logarithmic warming effect. Increasing CO2 levels now would have no appreciable impact on temperature.)
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies(Psst psst...someone missed the point of the entry.)
yeah you're right Wren, some interpretations of the math does seem to show that the more added the less of an effect it has. might as well just throw as much crap into the atmosphere as we want then, right?
and CO2 emissions have increased logarithmically over the last couple centuries, and likely will in the foreseeable future unless measures are taken to prevent it.
It's too bad we couldn't have just thrown some of that bacteria on The Titanic when it was set to leave port. Everybody could have swam to shore and that horribly cheesy movie would never have been made. Seriously, that movie makes me gag. Even the references.
ReplyI fail to see how obesity will bring the apocalypse
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesA bunch of obese people fall into the ocean all at once, causing a world-wide tsunami. A bunch of obese people are attached to powerful weather balloons and block out the sun. I see many possibilities.
The mass of America increases until it collapses into a black hold devouring the galaxy.
hahaahha. I was thinking the same thing.
Well if Americans are the center of the universe, and Americans die from morbid obesity, where does that leave the universe?!
ha-ha, americans are all fat, you so funny.
Someone explain to me how Pseudomonas syringae-induced hail is different from Ice-Nine in _Cat's Cradle_ before I freak out and pee myself. Again.
Reply... because it creates a point for water to collect and drop it doesn't freeze all water it touches.
A troll in a lab coat is still a troll
ReplyWell, OK. Bacteria will save us all. Just.... just make sure our future technology won't be powered by poop and cow farts, please??
ReplyI'm afraid so ...
we need carbon dioxide. too much oxygen in the air and we actually can't breathe it and stay alive. solidifying it all will murder us faster than adding more of it.
Reply Hide All See All 14 RepliesThat's true, I think, but even having CO2 levels reach 1% is lethal to humans, and it wouldn't matter anyway, since air is mostly nitrogen, so decreasing co2 levels wouldn't noticeably increase the proportion of oxygen, much less suffocate us.
The air is 80% Nitrogen and 19% Oxygen, 1% CO2. Saying that CO2 is responsible for making our air breathable is ridiculous.
Zeeky, I'm not sure what you mean by "Saying that CO2 is responsible for making our air breathable is ridiculous." What I believe nagrusD was referring to is the biological process of breathing: one of the functions of breathing is to expel carbon dioxide from the body.
@RorkusFunkster
exactly, we expel C02 we obviously dun need it. and we certainly dun need it to breathe, or we wouldn't expel it. because there is plently of nitrogen and other gasses mixed with our oxygen, we could remove all the C02 from the atmosphere and still be able to breathe it.
however you are right that we need C02. w/o it plants would die, and the earth would freeze over.
however, the current situation is that we have way too much of it
Too bad, the author meant get rid of ALL the CO2 all at once
no he didn't
Again, muffineater? Based on the information I have seen I do not accept that there is too much CO2, as you have stated. Rather than using rhetorical and combative statements in response to several of my comments, can you provide some kind of reference? A name that I may be able to put into a search engine or anything that will not force me to have to dismiss everything you post as 'trolling'? I have name dropped Christopher Monckton several times in this forum as my reference, viewable at scienceandpublicpolicy org. Challenge me with legitimate information if you can because that is the only way that you will sway me.
@Zeeky: The air is not 1% CO2 fool. The CO2 in our atmosphere is counted in parts per million, with 200-300 ppm being average I believe. If our air was 1% CO2 we'd all be chicken-fried in a Venus-like atmosphere. The 1% of our air that's not Nitrogen or Oxygen is a combination of gases.
No shitt, Jouten
@RorkusFunkster, I also mentioned the Intellectual Ventures guys. But muffineater seems to be satisfied with his own ass as source of information.
why is there this whole argument? the proposition calls for turning CO2 from FACTORIES into calcium bicarbonate, not removing all CO2 from the air. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a single PhD who claims we NEED that extra CO2 we're dumping into the atmosphere, even if there are those who say it's not a big deal.
Why wouldn't higher CO2 levels simply lead to more plant growth?
...There can't be this many Cracked readers with IQs in the single digits...
@macsnafu Plants also need water, oxygen, nitrogen and other stuff to grow, the rest aren't increasing so they can't use the extra CO2.
Surprise, more fat hating. Because all fat people are fat for the exact same reasons. Forget genetics, childbearing, and all the other things that can affect it. Nevermind all the skinny people who can sit on their bony asses and eat McD's all the time and not gain an ounce, but still have health problems. Those of us who are FAT are the real problem.
Reply Hide All See All 14 RepliesI'm getting sick of it, especially when I'm damn healthy and still overweight. Perfect blood pressure, cholesterol, and all other levels. I'm fat, so I'm worthless.
U mad fatty?
All you suffer from is a bad... fattitude! Yeah, I WENT there!!
I'm fat, and I'm worthless :(
ahaha Nnoitra good one. Ok but seriously: If you tend to get fatter than other people quicklier, just watch what you eat and do more sports instead. Look there are people born with allergica to strawberries that makes their face swollen and ugly. They won't complain that they're only ugly, because of their disease. They will simply not eat Strawberries and everything is fine. Period. If you blame the world for you being fat, then you deserve being a fat ass.
ahh fat people always have like 5 different excuses for being fat, none of which are in their control..Being fat doesnt make you worthless, but being fat and a chick certainly does. Fat chicks are gross no matter who's fault it is
actually ladyslats (hilarious name btw) he kinda mentioned that
for the record, I am fat because they make twinkies filled with chocolate
and pie, pie is without a doubt a factor
Don't feel bad about it. My mom is conscidered "obese" but she's had three kids and has Multiple sclerosis, so she honestly can't help it. She has trouble standing up half the time. No hating here, it's all right.
Maybe you should eat less and exercise more. Protip: you won't lose weight eating healthy food if you eat too much of it. Cut down the calories and start lifting weights.
MAN THE HARPOONS
The whole genetics thing was mentioned.
Good job making yourself look like an idiot. It helps to read the article before actually saying anything.
There's no fat hate. Also, there is a sizable difference between overweight and obese. There's nothing wrong with being a little chubby. But there is something wrong if you're taking up two seats at the subway. It's just not healthy for you.
Fine I'll be the one to say it: "Being fat is always the fat person's fault." There may be factors that make it harder to stay healthy for one person than another but there is always something you can do.
OK I just thought a situation where that would be wrong. If you're a quadriplegic without even the ability to swallow (or not in this case) then being fat is the fault of whoever is running your feeding tube.
The article does mention that genetics and many other factors play into a propensity for obesity. It was right there in the beginning. If it hadn't I might be in your corner but you really should read the section carefully before ranting about it.
I don't recall the author bashing fat people in any way shape or form. Quit over reacting to insults you imagine.
Thus killing two birds with one chalky stone.
ReplyAwesome.
People who think global warming is a hoax... seriously, what is wrong with you?
Reply Hide All See All 8 Repliesthe sun also just happens to get hotter every once in a while and it last long, like 30 years+ at a time. what's wrong with thinking that there could be crooked politicians trying to trick you to switch to another type of everything while knowing what you're going to switch to (even suggesting it themselves), investing money in it in advance and lying to you to get rich? It's not like it doens't happen in other forms all the time.
I believe the scientific and political community have abandoned calling it 'global warming' because much of the most recent data shows that the planet isn't 'warming' at all; they now use the term 'climate change'. This fact alone should cause any rational person to reconsider the motives of those pressing the solutions to the 'problem'.
@nagrusD really? really? you do realise the earth is supposed to be COOLING DOWN (because on the flip side the sun just happens to get cooler/something to do with the earth's axis having something to do w/ ice ages) right now and instead it's warming up.
seriously wtf do politicians have anything to do with global warming? OPEN YOUR EYES and lookit some numbers. read up on some studies and you'll see the temperature and C02 levels are skyrocketing, and it's to be expected with all the thousands of tons of C02 we dump into the atmosphere every single day. i mean let's be honest, where do you think all the C02 goes? the carbon cycle gets messed up when you introduce thousands to millions of tons of C02 per day into the atmosphere...
>_>
If you have any specific studies in mind, muffineater, then it might be wise to post some links so that the individual you are being aggressive towards can see what you're referring to rather than making yourself appear emotionally unstable; unless you're trolling, in which case I completely understand each of your posts in this forum.
In "SuperFreakonomics", Steve Levitt related his discussion with top scientists at Intellectual Ventures about what is global warming and how to deal with it. Their conclusion were that human made CO2 were close to nothing in term of contribution to global warming.
How about your source of fact muffineater? Your ass is not counted.
Nope, it's not a hoax, but it IS being misused by politicians and environmental activists.
@muffineater I may be wrong but last I heard we were on the warm up side of the ice-age cycle. That's where the "global warming isn't caused by humans" argument comes from. That said reducing greenhouse gasses also helps smog etc so it`s still a good goal even if you don`t think it`s causing global warming.
I'd like to take the time to point out that no climate model we've produced to date has worked.
We've invented models, then put them at some point in the past and had them predict future weather conditions. They all failed.
Anyone claiming the earth is 100% certain to warm up is either misinformed or a liar.
I usually 'LIKE' cracked articles so that they link to facebook but I won't be linking this one because of the mention of CO2/global warming. I've attended a presentation by Christopher Monckton [him calling someone a Nazi doesn't discredit his information, btw] and seen enough data from both sides and don't believe that it's a threat; if you sincerely believe CO2 is a problem then the only logical solution is to reduce the human population as other studies have shown that a woman having 2 children increases her carbon footprint by 40 times but there's no way for big business to make money promoting sodomy. :p
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesthank you for proving that not everyone on the internet is retarded, global warming is just the new fad to jump onto so you can spend money and feel superior. you can even quote me on that, i'll stand by it.
I may be an uneducated, unemployed, UFO conspirator living in my mommy's basement, but one time I read this article by this guy...
lol yah you "don't believe it's a threat"; okey xD well good luck with that.
there is tons and tons of information about global warming, it would do wonders for your ignorance if you read up on some. let's set aside the fact that the earth is supposed to be COOLING DOWN right now (cause of stuff that goes on every few thousand years with the sun and the earth's axises and stuff), okay? if you lookit the global temperatures over the past century, it is blatantly obvious that the earth is slowly (but steadily and exponentially) heating the hell up; what with all the melting ice caps and rising temperatures. it's almost too painful to imagine how obvlivious you have to be to not see that. plain and simple the earth is heating up, when it should be cooling down/having an ice age or something similar.
but for the sake of this "conversation" let's forget all that stuff. why don't we lookit the almost as obvious part of global warming: every *day* we dump (from various sources) thousands to MILLIONS of tons of C02 into the atmosphere, okey dokey? where the hell do you think all that C02 goes? well thanks to plants and carbon sinks like the ocean, nature is able to clean up a hefty percentage of the mess of C02 that is flooding the atmosphere. but it is obviously not keeping up with the ridiculous thousands to millions PER DAY of greenhouse gasses going into the atmosphere. if you don't think it could possibly affect the global temperatures and climate, i don't know what else to tell you.
but of course you don't see it as a threat so what difference does it make to you. you could drive a SUV, and own thousands of powerplants that use oil, and still be all "huh? wuts dis cahben diocside you talkin bou? you cwazy!"
if you continue to remain ignorant and refuse to get the facts straight, i'm afraid there's nothing further we can do to cure your ignorance on this subject.
Sorry, muffineater, but you seem to have made aggressive name calling, labeling and rhetoric a personal crusade against every comment I've placed. Are you trolling?
What I don't see is any specific reference to anything that you've mentioned as proof. I have stated Christopher Monckton as my personal measurement for information. Can you please provide me with some kind of actual reference or is this combative style your preferred way to change the world? Pounding others into submission and being abusive doesn't make your point of view any more legitimate; might does not make right.
Let me reiterate my post below.
First of all, human activities only account for just 2% of all the CO2 produced. That mean, even if you shut down every single power plant and ban every single car, you still get those 98% CO2 adding up. By the nature itself. You think "millions of tons we dump to the atmosphere" is a lot? Nature laugh on your face for that.
Then, there's the fact that CO2 only contribute minuscule amount to greenhouse effect. The lion share go to water vapor, then methane (as in flatulent), which are more potent per mass unit. Again, even if you made your life miserable, your only accomplishment will be a miserable life.
Finally, there's the fact that plants need CO2. The more the better. Scientist have determined that with CO2 level of twice what is now, plants can grow up to 70% bigger. There you go, the future of organic farming is higher CO2 level.
All I know is we are all going to die horribly. Again. And I'm alright with that. Easy come easy go.
i dont think radiation is measured in rads. im pretty sure its measured in curies.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesrads are how much radiation something absorbs. So these bacteria can absorb alot more than most other living things.
It's measured in rads. Haven't you ever played Fallout? Duh.
There are many different measures for radiation.
Just pop some Rad-X and you'll be fine :)
eh, i always juts went with the radaways after the fact
Curies measure the amount of radiation something emits. Rads are actually the absorbed dose in any material, and rem refer to the equivalent dose in living (presumably human) tissue.
I get more reliable science info from freaking Cracked than most other places outside a classroom. Good article.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesa lot of s**t i learned in my classrooms was neither reliable nor useful.
i mean seriously. i have never written anything in cursive excepting my name. and who the f**k needs trigonometry in their every day lives?
granted i don't need this either but it is interesting damnit
I write in cursive and engineers need trigonometry. Please die so you may not corrupt the gene pool.
Yea, if you write like that, I'm sure that means everyone else does then, and $20 madeofhate isnt an engineer, eagle
.
Seriously, I learned a shitton of useful and interesting things from Cracked including but not limited to: how to poop and breathe correctly, how easy it is to be a supervillain and also that my country had a fraking bear in the army! Seriously, a bear. What the fuck, history teacher?!
@madeofhate. Hey don't bash Trigonometry. That's like the most important thing you learn in school. You need it EVERYWHERE.
Also I write everything in cursive...
as awesome as this s**t is, i can't help but be a bit wary of what happens when people mess with nature to create "miracle compounds" and such. i just hope we know what we're doing...
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesWe most assuredly do not.
'miracle compounds' always cause more problems than they solve
NEXT
wasn't heroin a miracle compound?
penicillin was also a miracle guys I don't think you're all being reasonable
Penicillin? The antibiotic? The miracle antibiotic we prescribe to cure any and every disease possible? Which is in turn contributing to the growing number of drug resistant diseases?
Yeah, totally a miracle.
So you prefer to go without antibiotics? Where a simple cut can kill you? Gimme that bong. It's my turn now.
Hey, everyone, look.
stinkywalrus is a moron.
Interesting. If the genes for alkane degradation are being studied, then with time and effort(quite the lot I suspect)we could create a gene cassette for alkane synthesis connected to photosynthetic pathways and splice it into algae and bacteria. It would even be relatively stable loop; alkane fuels burnt will release CO2, CO2 will be taken up by the algae in tanks and converted to alkane (maybe pentane or above). Screw ethanol maize.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesif your idea is to have plants immediately take up the CO2 you haven gotten from burning something thus creating a closed CO2-loop than congratulations: you've just rediscovered biofeuls
I think his point was using a source other than our food crops to make biofuels.
Ahh, clytamnestra, I think I missed a step, the idea was to not use the bacteria/algae themselves as the source of sugars to turn into ethanol as in current biofuels; but to have the organisms sequester CO2, synthesise it directly into alkanes in a pathway using sunlight as a motor but Seperate from normal photosyntheis, and have those alkanes secreted or sequestered into fatty globules which can then be harvested.Ideally we wouldn't touch the organism.
Oh god you had to make a carbon dioxide reference, here come the "scientists" to prove that it has no effect. Good article though
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesBecause Al Gore is totally a scientific mind you can trust.
Because Al Gore is the most scientifically respected man who's defending the Climate Change theory.
He lost all credibility when he claimed the earths mantle has heat measuring in "millions of degrees." Not even the sun's surface is that hot. He's a laughing stock.
I can speak from personal experience, I have taken a class on earth sciences. It was explicitly stated that CO2 is nothing to worry about. If you want something to worry about, look at methane.
good article, but obesity is hardly the apocolypse....wait nevermind
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesThe greatest killer in the US is heart disease. The greatest cause of heart disease in the US is obesity. Take that as you will.
I'll take that with a side of ribs.
You've obviously never sat next to a fatty on an airplane.
Slather those ribs in barbecue sauce and give me a 40oz Cola, a large fry with extra salt, and a chicken salad (I'm trying to watch my weight).
But make sure your soda is diet.
woo rest of the world :D
Obesity kills 300,000 people a year (these numbers are for the US) and drugs kill 20,000. Hmm... My country is retarded. *sigh* Don't think I'm downplaying drug problems, I'm a sober addict. But if we put just a fraction of the resources we use for drugs towards the obesity problem it would do us a lot of good.
I have a solution to the heart disease problem - replace all hearts with robotic ones. BAM! Problem solved :)