The 8 Most Disgusting Animal Defenses
#4.
The Spanish Ribbed Newt Takes Shanking to Another Level
Via David Perez
Found in the Iberian Peninsula as well as Morocco, the Spanish ribbed newt is 12 inches of slime-covered terror. They spend their day in cold water, under rocks or in crevices feeding on whatever invertebrate wanders close enough. They could be mistaken for any run-of-the-mill lizard, in fact, until somebody threatens it. At that point, they respond by inflating their ribcage so the poison-tipped ends of the ribs spike through their skin.
Via BBC Earth News
This crazy display is actually a two-step process. For stage 1, the newt weeps. Specifically, it weeps tears of milky poison.
Via BBC Earth News
My tears are like the toxic skin discharges of loneliness.
With that out the way, they're now covered in a nice sheen of deadly slime. Next, they angle their spine, pivoting their barbed ribs outward until they pierce the skin. Once the ribs poke through, they get coated in the sadness secretions, which, incidentally, was the name of their most recent Grammy-winning album. We're guessing at this point most of their predators get weirded out and just leave.
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Um ... OK, I don't want your food that much.
#3.
The Proboscis Monkey's Boner Threat
Named for their distinctive large nose, the proboscis monkey lives on the island of Borneo where it can be found in the mangrove forests, swamps and riparian areas hunting for seeds, leaves and fruits. The monkeys live in communities ranging in size from 10 to 30 members, and if you've ever lived in a dorm or shared a house with several roommates, you understand how quickly such a setup turns into a cold war of pettiness involving piles of other people's dirty dishes and clothes and passive-aggressive notes. This tension is no different for communities of proboscis monkeys. However, they throw down in a much more civilized way:
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With their monkey boners at full strength, they spread their legs, show it to their opponent, and scream and shake the branches. It seems like an odd tactic, but try it the next time somebody rubs you the wrong way. See if they don't back down. Note: THE ERECTION PART IS VERY IMPORTANT. It also helps if you have a penis that is so bright red that you could signal a rescue plane with it while lost at sea.
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This guy is like, three types of endowed.
#2.
The Hoopoe Finds a Use for Anal Leakage
In 2008, the noble hoopoe was voted to become the national bird of Israel. With its beautiful plumage, bold disposition and a fierce loyalty to its family, citizens figured it was the perfect candidate.
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Aw yeah.
It turned out they were wrong. This bird isn't all striking plumage and a distinctive battle cry. No, the hoopoe gained its official non-kosher status by defending itself in an officially non-kosher way. Whenever this little bird feels threatened, it turns its little hoopoe butt to the baddie, bends over and it squirts fecal matter right into the eyes of the predator.
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But look how pretty!
In case a squirt to the eye wasn't enough to dissuade some predators from attempting to make a snack of it, the hoopoe makes itself further unpalatable by covering itself with a foul substance produced by a gland near its anus. Once the bird has bathed in its anal secretions, taking care to cover every feather with enough ass oil to make it shine, the hoopoe comes away from its anal-leakage bath smelling like, well, what anything that had just smeared ass juice all over its body would.
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Boy, it really feels like we should make a reference to The Situation right now.
Aside from making itself too disgusting for predators to eat, it uses these secretions to keep parasites away and to fight off bacterial infection. That's right: The hoopoe's anal juice is so potent that even bacteria won't grow in its presence.
#1.
Whales Use Shit Like Ninjas Use Smoke Bombs
The dwarf and pygmy sperm whales, like their larger cousin the regular sperm whale, do not get their name from the way they look like giant sea dildos. No, whales in this family get their name from the fact that there is a slimy whitish substance inside their heads. Early sailors cut open the whales, discovered the deposit of gooey gunk and thought to themselves, Boy does that look like semen. And the name stuck. That's not why they're on this list, of course.
"What beautiful creatures! Let's murder them and make crude jokes about our semen."
Dwarf and pygmy sperm whales, as their names suggest, are small and thus vulnerable to attack by predators. These little whales lack Monstro's bite size and his unruly disposition, preferring to keep to calm, deep waters, hidden away from danger. But when confronted by dangerous predators such as sharks or dolphins, the dwarf sperm whale secretes anal syrup into the water. It then stirs the water up with its fins making a cloud, and conceals itself within it. Once the danger has passed, the whale leaves its cloud of shit water and continues on its way.
Via Tony Wu Blog
Stay classy, pygmy sperm whale.
The dwarf and pygmy sperm whales are capable of producing enough shit to, well, conceal a whale, but what's truly amazing is that there's more whale crap where that came from. If pursued, a dwarf or pygmy sperm whale can release another cloud of excrement. And then another. One of the rare times when human beings actually had the good fortune to view these elusive whales in the wild, a mother and calf repeatedly hid in clouds of the mother whale's shit whenever passing dolphins got too close.
So does that mean that the dwarf sperm whale carries around copious amounts of extra excrement just in case? Are they vulnerable to attack if they've recently crapped out all the squid they'd eaten that week? No one knows. All we do know is that if you see a dwarf sperm whale in the ocean, you may want to rethink your trajectory.
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The ocean is her own private bidet.
Crystal Beran can be found on her Internet home at crystalberan.com and on Twitter at @cryssfox.
For more reasons we should be wary of animals taking us over, check out The 9 Most Mind-blowing Disguises in the Animal Kingdom and 6 Animals That Just Don't Give A F#@k.
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There's new research that suggests the gilamonster isn't the only venomous monitor lizard, and that in fact the komodo dragon have it's poisons glands secrete threw its jaw into its mouth and coating its teeth, thus applied on bite. While they do have incredily dirty mouths, they dont possess any super bacteria that cant be found in the mouth of a dog, cat, or even human.
ReplyI was going to point out the same thing-- Komodos do in fact have venom.
Would just like to say that in the video for the fulmar chicks, that is an Englishman, no a Scotsman. And as a Scotsman, confusing the English and Scottish is highly offensive! No one likes the English.
ReplyA person from the North of England, to be precise. Like me, and I think Scotsmen are kind of awesome, so...this is awkward.
I've seen people who could outdo the Komodo Dragon's mouth filth.
ReplyBaby Komodo dragons can also climb trees. Their parents can't, however, which is useful when you're a komodo dragon baby, running away from your cannibalistic parents.
ReplyThere was a species of giant monitor lizard related to the Komodo dragon that lived in Australia during the ice age. It grew to the size of a saltwater croc
ReplyWe still get pretty big monitor lizards. The Perentie, a type of Goanna, can get to about 2 metres (over 2 yards) long
It's been discovered that komodo dragons do actually produce venom. They're quite possibly the single thing you least want to be bitten by, since they will kill you in three seperate unpleasant ways at once: not only do they have a f*cking nasty bite anyway, AND give you blood poisoning with their apalling oral hygeine, but they also have a snake-like venom that stops your blood from clotting, which they chew into the wound.
ReplyThe venom also attracts other Komodo dragons to come attack you.
It also sets you on fire.
You see, then venom is a highly reactive compound: moments after the bite occurs, the venom will begin to react with oxygen in the air. The heat generated by the oxidation will in turn generate further oxidation, eventually creating a fire above the wound. The reaction will continue until the venom is burned off; this does not happen slowly, but intsead it will "putter" to a stop, quckly burning out and re-igniting (akin to when you switch off gas to your fire place or stove). Depending on the depth and amount of poision, this can roast your limb anywhere from medium rare to well done (if its very bad, over cooked).
The cooking scale is used instead of the burn classification system for various reasons; 1, because every bite is guaranteed to be a 3rd degree burn (because every bite is a third degree burn, one can no longer determine the specific severity of it); 2, because we currently lack a classification system for flaming lizard bites; and 3, because it's funnier that way.
Seriously. Anyone who is working with or around those monsters better have a damn good sense of humor, or at least be a little bit crazy. You won't make it otherwise.
I don't remember the name of the animal, but I kind of expected to see this aquatic invertebrate that attacks by shooting its innards at potential threats.
ReplyStarfish and corals
And sea cucumbers.
(ones named Amy).
The hoopoe's "ass juice" gland is universal to birds. It's called a preen gland and all birds squeeze preen oil out of it to coat their feathers (for a wide variety of purposes, depending on species). Hawks, ducks, owls, the cute little chickadee on your windowsill, all of them routinely cover themselves in these preening secretions.
ReplyAlso, anyone who has worked with birds can tell you they will all s**t on you. The hoopoe just happens to be capable of projectile s**t, which makes it fancy.
Love Cracked's zoological articles. I always come away with plenty of fascinating (read: disgusting) things to Google.
damn, nature, you're icky
Replythis whole article was fantastic, but i just lost it when they showed that picture of the watery s**t cloud
ReplyThis is the Cracked we love, educational, funny and really interesting. Thanks for this!
ReplyThis was hillarious! Just one little mistake in #1 a whale can not conceal it self from dolphins by s**t-cloud means because dolphins use sonar for orientation not sight.
ReplyExactly. They use sonar for orientation, not hunting. Sonar can't tell you what that thing in the water is; it can only indicate that an object is there at all. The dolphin still relies on its eyes to determine if something is prey.
and to determine if that is indeed a s**t cloud in front of them.
please issue a correction so you don't perpetuate the whole "komodo dragons aren't poisonous" myths.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSo that's all you had to say about it, huh? You don't have a solution to what you think is an error; you just sit there like a pile of s**t, bubbling your disapproval at anyone willing to notice you. That's nice.
Haha! Bubbling pile of s**t! I get it, it's a pygmy sperm whale reference.
Also, don't google image "pygmy sperm poop cloud".
Yeah, that discovery that they are, in fact, poisonous is relatively recent. Give the guy a break, and please do elaborate next time.
Hazl, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
*2 minutes later*
well that was disappointing. I'm thinking you never actually googled that you yourself, as it was decidedly tame.
What about hagfish? They secret suffocation SLIME!
ReplyBut that's relatively well-known.
And in another article.
komodo dragons actually do have venom, in addition to the bacteria.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesalso, newts aren't lizards.
Also, birds don't have anuses.
Also, monkeys dont have penises.
Okay technically they have cloacas.
also cracked writers arent experts on everything they prob just google everything and hope they dont get disgusting ass images
They write with a decidedly colloquial tone that encourages minor errors now and then.
When I finally manage to shake the mental image that accompanies the words "anal syrup", I'm sure I'll manage to say something clever...
ReplyActually, the Komodo Dragon is a member of Toxicofera, a reptilian taxon which produces venom. Their venom delivery system is relatively unique, explaining why the discovery was made relatively recently (~2010).
ReplyProbably been said already, but that wasn't a Scotsman.
ReplyYeah, I was going to say that but I just had to make sure at least someone else had noticed as well.
What was he then? Sure sounded Scottish.
Hey! Komodo Dragon is not from South Pacific! The island is part of Indonesia and Indonesia is in the South East Asia.
Replyyou do understand the world is round don´t you?
The proboscis monkey maneuver works quite well.
Reply"Hey, you kids get off of my lawn!" works sometimes, but just let 'er rip standing at attention on your porch, so to speak, and just WATCH those little bastards run!
Sadly, they typically run to the police station or something, and then it just ruins the whole effect.
But it's YOUR lawn, right? I mean, if they don't want to see your c**k they should stay off your lawn.
"Get off on my la- I mean, get off OF my lawn!"