6 New Anti-Pervert Technologies (We Really Shouldn't Need)

Technology is the endgame of humanity, the culmination of man's eternal drive to improve, and the embodiment of his cunning. But for the most part, it's really only there to help people put their dongs into other people, or to prevent others from getting unwanted dongs put into them. This eternal technological sex conflict is called the Great Pervert War, and here are the latest weapons:

The Perversion:

The groping of asses in crowded spaces like trains and subways. Now, this isn't a phenomenon particular to Japan -- it's just a bigger problem there because of the nonconfrontational culture. A quick "Fuck off, pervert" might get the job done on an American subway, but the Japanese often find it difficult to draw any kind of public attention to themselves through conflict, no matter how justified. Unfortunately, this makes the groper's trade pretty easy to ply.

These are basically subsonic rape bullets.

The Counter:

A cell phone application designed to confront gropers directly when the actual person is unable or unwilling. The anti-groping app starts out slow, giving perverts a chance to back off. "Excuse me, did you just grope me?" it asks, via bolded words on a cell phone screen accompanied by an "angry" buzzing sound to get the groper's attention. If this doesn't throw off a pervert, the app ratchets up the pressure: "Groping is a crime." Just in case the guy doing the unsolicited touching didn't know ...

Even though there are seriously signs everywhere ...

Finally, if the groper just isn't getting the message, perhaps wondering why this uppity phone keeps telling him to back off when he hasn't even touched the damn thing, on account of he's got his hands full of its owner's ass -- the app goes for the throat: "Shall we head to the police?"

Now, you might think that's not a great tactic -- attempting to dissuade a sex offender with the power of passive aggressiveness -- but that's not what the sales suggest: In 2007, it became one of the most downloaded cell phone applications ever. It reached seventh place on a Top 10 of All Time list, presumably trailing only slightly behind the pro-groping app, which answered all of the anti-groping app's questions with "Yes," "Yes it is" and "I'd rather keep groping you instead."

One glorious day, the cell phones will do the molesting.

The Perversion:

Upskirt shots. It's gotten so bad that, in Japan, they openly sell instructions for modifying your camera so you can take see-through upskirt shots.

Actual poster. Not a photoshop.

The Counter:

But not all the tech is pro-perv: Remember, it's a sex offender Cold War out there. When one side makes a move, the other always checks it. So on the one hand, we've got all these randy men armed with their silent IR cameras and their camcorders built into shoes, and now, on the other, we've got a special panty fabric engineered to repel infrared rays. It doesn't prevent all upskirt shots, of course; we haven't invented clothing that's impossible to photograph. It just leaves the tech-savvy upskirter with a boringly normal snap of a schoolgirl's panties, instead of the graphic, medical-quality image he was hoping for.

Just use your damned imagination. Pervert.

The Perversion:

Groping again. We told you, it's a problem.

The Counter:

Chastity gloves.

These gloves use plastic plates to essentially hobble the hands of the guy wearing them, thus preserving the virtue of potentially wandering fingers while still leaving the thumbs free for other activities, like opening doors and mocking lesser species with your opposable digits. They're actually meant mostly for the benefit of the accused groper, to ensure that he's never wrongly accused of groping. They sell separately for $18 per glove. You know, in case you want only half an alibi.