If Movie Characters Didn't Make Horrible Decisions
If you lived in a universe of movie characters you would probably be bored to tears by the daily monster attacks and underdog miracles and high speed chases (though on the plus side, Social Security and pension funds wouldn't be in crisis because nobody ever reaches retirement).
This begs the question: Since people go to the movies to escape their ordinary lives, what kind of movies would movie characters want to watch? What crazy stories would boggle their minds?
#9.
Disciplinary Action
When supersoldier Joseph Ramirez is sent alone on a special mission to take down the entire Iranian army, he is mowed down in a hail of gunfire. His superiors are forced to face an outraged nation and scores of disciplinary hearings asking them why on earth they thought this would be a good idea.
#8.
Magic Doesn't Work
Lacey was everything to Brian. When a car accident takes her life, he vows to bring her back, risking his life to discover a forbidden occult ritual that will bring her back from the dead. He is warned that tampering with the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead could bring great evil into the world, and that what comes back to him will no longer be his wife. When nothing actually happens, Brian is at a loss, until he remembers magic doesn't exist. Realizing he has let his grief make him stupid, he finally accepts Lacey's death, enabling him to get on with his life.
#7.
The Downward Spirals
When washed-up ex-con Harry Stedman is brought in to manage a Little League team of misfits and outcasts, nobody thinks they'll get anywhere, which turns out to be a pretty reasonable assumption. They lose every game of the season, becoming more and more demoralized as teammates quit one by one and Stedman relapses into alcoholism.
#6.
Steady Justice
Terence Barnes had everything: a perfect job, a lovely wife and two happy, healthy children. When they are brutally murdered, as families often are, Barnes refuses to rest until he has gone to the police, given a statement and fully cooperated with police and prosecutors.
In an unexpected twist ending, the murderers are caught and convicted, due to an overwhelming amount of evidence.
#5.
Routine Flight Delay
When an ordinary flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles is delayed due to bad weather, the passengers find themselves trapped together in the cabin with no end in sight. As passengers' find their possessions mysteriously disappearing, suspicion grows that one of them is up to no good.
Later, they discover that their things had rolled under one of the seats, because the floor is uneven.
As the passengers wait out the delay, they began to discover disturbing things about each other. For example, Lindsay appears to be an ordinary flight attendant, but her plastic smile and distant behavior gradually lead passengers to suspect she is in fact an ordinary flight attendant.
HAHAHAHAH cllllaasssic!
ReplyI like cracked's sometimes-recurring theme of the difference between real life and movies. It really makes you think. Thanks for this article.
ReplyTitle was a bit misleading no? Was funny though
ReplyThis was excellent.
ReplyCompletely random title.
ReplySome of the ideas were funny, though.
this should have been a photoplasty
ReplyI thought the same thing, the photos would have told enough story on their own, and there would have been more of them.
"The Dark Lord Akron stood on the brink of victory when a prophecy told of his destruction. When the great wizard Gandorlin heard of this prophecy, he gathered the brightest minds of the realm. Together they deciphered every possible meaning of the prophecy so the Chosen One would stand for any surprises. "
ReplyI propose a movie called, "Responsible Parenting." This family is prepared for an emergency. When disaster strikes, everyone under the age of 14 is strapped to a child leash and forced to stay with the adults. Little Bobby and Emily cannot be easily distracted and wander off, thus saving the mother a panic attack and screaming, "Wait! Where is Bobby/Emily?! You have to save my child!" No love interest is forced to sacrifice his life to rescue the little "darling" and the entire party is able to escape the earthquake/sinking ship/erupting volcano/burning building/zombie attack/alien invasion/hungry T-Rex/apocalypse/killer clowns all safe and sound.
ReplyYou get a thumbs up for the Killer Clowns reference.
The title of this article is really misleading. It should be "If Movies Were Realistic" or something along those lines. "If Movie Characters Didn't Make Horrible Decisions" sounds much more comedic and should be full of stuff like Hans Gruber not having shot Holly's boss in Die Hard...
ReplyI would pay real money just to know that The Painted Box existed in real life.
ReplyI'd pay Monopoly money to see Steady Justice and Disciplinary Action.
Perhaps the conflict in "The Painted Box" could come from others hearing rumors about the box and the protagonists' attempts to keep said others from opening it.
It was all pretty funny. I'd actually like to see these in real life. XD
ReplyThis is soo close to funny. Really its kind of sweet.
ReplySteady Justice is the funniest.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIndeed. I think that's because revenge movies usually involve the system failing to convict the murderers. Thus, a conviction would actually be a twist ending.
I'm under the impression that Steady Justice was already adapted into a television series called Law & Order.
You know that would be one of Bruce Wayne's favorite movies.
I pictured Zooey Deschansel (or however the f**k you spell it) as the female version of #1, with the title being, "It's Not 'Quirky', It's Annoying"
ReplyThat would be a movie I'd pay to see. ^_^
This is what the photoplasty articles should be.
ReplyActually #7 was already made in the form of The Bad News Bears. What saves the team from the downward spirals is, of course, a girl *nods*
ReplyThey still lose the final.
"Jack met Jill at the coffee shop and they hit it off. He had a great evening together with her until he tried to hand her a piece of paper with his phone number and it blew away. Jill then told him that this is fate trying to tell her something and that the only way for them to meet would be for her to write her name and address in a book, and for him to write it on a 5 dollar bill and if they find it it's meant to be. She then gives him one last chance, by going into an elevator and having him guess the correct floor she pressed on the neighboring one. Realizing that she is probably emotionally disturbed Jack heads off home instead of into the other elevator and later marries a charming well-adjusted woman that just rang his cell phone number when it was time for them to exchange information."
Reply“Lacey was everything to Brian. When a car accident takes her life, he vows to bring her back, risking his life to discover a forbidden occult ritual that will bring her back from the dead. He is warned that tampering with the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead could bring great evil into the world, and that what comes back to him will no longer be his wife. When nothing actually happens, Brian is at a loss, until he remembers magic doesn't exist. Realizing he has let his grief make him stupid, he finally accepts Lacey's death, enabling him to get on with his life.”
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesActually, this would make a great movie!
you could even do it in a documentary style, go to all the "magic practitioners" (not david blaine, gothic immature people that are semi-retarded) and film them not casting magic.
then go to the shamans in peru and drink ayahuasca and trip f*****g balls.....
yeah..
i like that..
it gets off topic and wacky with the hallucinogens towards the end.
see if we can't get this pitch greenlit by some cracked/hollywood executive producers.
I...I would see this movie. I'm not even sure why. Curiosity, maybe? Fund it.
Yeah, that might actually make for a good movie-
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..... YOUR NAME'S JUMPINJACKFLASH??!! Man, I should've thought of that. YOU'RE A MAD GENIUS!!!
Existential angst, sudden realizations of painful truth, LOVE IT!!!
One of the best articles on the site. "Just Stop It, Jim" and "Disciplinary Action" make me laugh so f**king hard every time I see them.
ReplyI was thinking that this is the worst article on the site.
Oh, just plain objectively not true. :) There are plenty of reader-submitted ones that aren't even finished.
(You're supposed to put a little more effort into trolling)
I usually like Christina's articles and I like this one.
ReplySometimes I think maybe people are right about her articles, but then I can't decide. It's like I don't know.