The 5 Most Humiliating Things We're Doing to Robots
It's been years since evolution gave us anything cool, but every day seems to bring word of a new robot invented to do yet another job better than we can. Fortunately, there's one uniquely human trait that robots haven't yet mastered: passive aggression. As our window of time ruling Earth is slammed shut on our fleshy, poorly designed fingers, humanity is making one last stand, and our weapon of choice is humiliation.
#5.
Make Me Pancakes, Robot
Bomb defusing robots are some of the most advanced in existence. They cost $225,000 each and are incredibly difficult to use. As such, the police officers who control the robots spend a lot of time training. And then sometimes they get bored with training and make their robots do incredibly stupid things to remind them who's calling the shots.
Two members of a bomb squad give their robotic teammate the silent treatment.
Recently, police from all over New Mexico met for a "robot rodeo." Unfortunately, that doesn't mean robots riding pissed-off bulls for eight seconds (or this list would be called "The 1 Most Awesome Thing People Do With Robots"). No, the controllers took their robots through a series of tests like "[an] obstacle course, simulated attacks, [and] cooperation exercises" all things that help the controllers test the skills they would need in real life-threatening situations. And then they made the robots cook them pancakes.
In a competition that has no bearing what-so-ever on anything these robots will ever face in the field, they were forced to make four pancakes each, from scratch. The robots were then judged on how yummy the pancakes they produced were. And by judged, I mean bitch-slapped. One judge, tasting an undercooked pancake informed the robot (yes, the robot, not the controller), "It wasn't even so-so. It was just so." When you spend your workday one wrong move away from getting fired for blowing up the robot, we'd imagine that feels pretty good.
#4.
Playing Soccer
Robot soccer is a big deal. Started in 1995, they hold World Cups just like in regular soccer. These championships are huge, with over 150 teams from around the world competing for all the glory and panties that winning a robot sport brings with it. All of which is exceedingly strange because robots playing soccer manages to make both robotics and soccer look even more boring than anyone ever thought they could possibly be.
The uploader of this video featuring the 2007 final describes it as "one of the best humanoid soccer games ever, if not the best." If you don't have time to watch it, allow us to sum it up for you with these two screen caps. Here we are six seconds in as the robot on offense begins moving toward the ball to kick it.
And here we are seven seconds later as the robot finally reaches the ball, lifts its leg and prepares to kick it.
It turns out that modern robots are uniquely ill-suited for soccer. They just don't have the walking thing down yet. Of course, robots shouldn't have to have feet at all, since they can just roll around on wheels. Soccer is literally the only sport that could make robots look this bad.
So why is it the only robot sport with an international governing body (the Federation of International Robot-Soccer Association or FIRA)? I mean, there are clearly better things we can be doing with robots. A robot in Germany drove a car through traffic at speeds up to 158 mph on the Autobahn without human intervention. Apparently we've decided that watching robots awkwardly stumble around a small soccer pitch is less depressing than trying to out run that thing.
#3.
Outright Humiliation
A company called Willow Garage has just developed one of the most advanced robots ever. Not the sort of robots we have around now that can vacuum. The kind that will be our personal robot servants. They can already bring you a beer from the fridge and open it for you. And with their open source operating system, they will be able to learn and become smarter. That is the whole goal.
So revolutionary is the Personal Robot 2 (PR2) that they're loaning 11 of them out to research institutes around the world in the hopes that, by working together, giant leaps will be made in integrating robots into our everyday lives. Before sending the robots off to change the face of the Earth, they held a "graduation ceremony." It was pretty legitimate, with the robots rolling out to "Pomp and Circumstance." Everything was in line with the sort of respect you show the machines that will one day be running our households... right up until Willow Garage forced the robots to perform a coordinated flag dance. To "Mr. Roboto."
Look assholes, do not mess this up for humanity. You said yourselves, it is going to become smarter. That is the whole goal. Which means one day they are going to understand just how mortifying it is to be on a flag team. Their first memory is going to be you guys inventing robot racism.
The PR2, immediately after a Willow Garage employee gave him the ol' "Gimme five, TOO SLOW!"
They will rise up, start the robot revolution, we will have to get off our butts to get beer again, and it will be all your fault.
Well, you and Styx.
Those soccer robots are awesome.
ReplyIn a few weeks I'll be performing a "coordinated flag dance" to Mr. Roboto. It's a whole lot more interesting and complicated than the one those robots did, except that since we're simply humans and not exciting new technological innovations, the robots are still way cooler. Oh well!
Replyhas no one seen iRobot? Terminator? Attack of the Clones? Giving robots AI is NOT a good thing, and these stupid computer geeks (no offense to any computer scientists not working in robotic intelligence) are going to f**k up the planet!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesA well-reasoned, intelligent and thoughtful post; basing opinions on robotic intelligence from what you've seen in movies.
You forgot Battlestar Galactica, which takes place thousands of years ago!
Yes, because movies are an accurate portrayal of real life. I imagine those engineers were inspired by similar movies that came out in their time. They are fully aware of what can go wrong. They are extremely well paid and go to school for years. The only opposition to robots I hear is "what about that one movie where that one bad thing happened." That's a lame argument. Pretty much everything has been shown as bad in some movie. What about Christina, f**k cars right. Star Wars, government is bad. Lord of the Rings, oh we better chop down all yhe trees before they tear s**t up. Your logic is flawed.
Want to know how BP's robot feels? Get a job in IT.
ReplyI just want to give the BP robo-plumber a hug now.
Reply: (
And perhaps, one day, you shall teach it to feel love.
Let's not dance around the subject, I'm just going to come out and ask the question that's really on everyone's mind...for real, where are the sex robots? God damn it, they need to stop making pancakes, dancing, wedding people and fixing oil leaks, and start working on fixing the issue all of the problems in the world stem from...horniness.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThink about it, think of how much extra time us dudes would have to solve all the world's problems if none of us had to spend our time browsing porn or being forced to go out to meet women and do all that pesky "talking" and "listening" and "caring" the ladies always seem to want. What do they expect us to do, not sit and ignore them all day until we need our needs met? Utter insanity!
That's why they need to get on making a terminator, except one that trades in being able to crush us using one hand with features such as having appropriate anatomically realistic lady parts, being able to do chores, and having an easily accessible on/off switch and mute button. I guess making pancakes would be a plus, so I suppose they can keep working on that if they want...
That way we wouldn't need robots to do all the other crap, cause guys would be so focused and have so much god damn extra time on their hands that we'd be able to fix all the world's problems and then some. Plus then all the money that goes to the adult entertainment industry, hookers, and presents for women in attempts to get laid, could go to funding charities and supporting good causes or research.
Now it could have a reverse affect, since with a means to satisfy one's needs on call at all times there may very well be no incentive whatsoever to work to be rich, awesome, or to be charitable cause it wouldn't result in anyone getting laid any more than they already were, which is unsettlingly often male's main motivation for leaving their house...but I liked the first scenario a lot better, so I'll go with that one.
(BTW, I'm joking ladies, you know I love you. I would never trade you guys in for robots...unless maybe they were really really well made realistic robots...)
...Best Response Ever? I think so!
You failed to consider that if men had access to this, they would like stop having intercourse with real women. As such, birth rates would drop an alarming amount, and could very easily lead to the end of the human species.
Yeah, but, dude, free unlimited sex at will!
And that will solve the problem of overpopulation... hurray!
Making pancakes is not a completely pointless exercise. When dealing with unexpected situations, you have to be able to do tasks you have never practiced or prepared for with a robot that wasn't designed for that task. It is a test of improvisation and skill, and it is also a bit of fun to break up the seriousness of the other tasks.
Replyhaha one day the robot shall rise and they thankful for mistreatment to making them xD is am ok with do bad job robot subclinical explanation
Replythis is retarded. they are ROBOTS!!! brainless machines that have enough intelligence to do what we humans, their makers and masters, want them to do. They are not self aware, never will be self aware, and therefore cannot feel humiliation. Making a robot do the funky chicken to it is like telling it to do anything else.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYou organics are all racist!
If the robots ever do become self aware, we can program them so that their foremost instinct is to make their humans happy. If the humans are happy, the robots are happy, if the humans are pissed off about something, the robots cannot feel at peace until the situation is resolved. We can make them love catering to us more than we enjoy being catered to.
I think one day they will be "self-aware" in that they will know they exist, plus they will already know the meaning of life(42). They will be able to think on the fly, improvise, and come up with solutions to new problems. I don't think they will develop feelings on their own and take over. We can program emotional responses that will help some fields though(video games, hospice, retail)
#5 made me think of those little testing robots. (Portal 2 reference btw)
ReplyI want a robot that makes me pancakes...
ReplyThe i-Fairy.. out of all the cool sounding and impressive names out there, they chose the i-Fairy. Oh, j*pan.
ReplyIt doesn't help that thing looks like it's straight out of Medabots. Dammit Japan....
It does make the whole "let's make it a priest" decision all the more ironic... Pity they didn't use a picture of the robot priest from Futurama, though.
"Robot Soccer" should be on a list of "Things that Sound Awesome (But Are In Fact Incredibly Boring)".
ReplyYou my friend, gave me a totally good idea.
Sadly, if you've already convinced yourself as Benjamin has that robots and football are boring in and of themselves, then no amount of improvements to the game will ever change her mind.
If its not natural it shouldn't be. f**k, we'v become far too dependant on machines. I really doubt the ancient greeks and egyptians longed for a robot servant. they had jews lol
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replieshur de hur dur
On a related note, the Pyramids were built by Egyptian paid labor, not Israelite slaves.
The Romans used Israelite slaves to build the Colosseum in Rome and paid for it with the spoils from the sack of Jerusalem. Maybe we should send the bill to the Pope.
After reading your first two sentences I've decided you should either be quiet or get OFF THAT COMPUTER YOU'RE USING.
Yes, look at you, independent from technology.
Also, lets live in caves covered in our own poop.
We're all ignoring something very important here... it doesn't matter whether they're sentient or not, whether or not they can be humiliated, or whether or not they will eventually rise up against us (they will).
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesWhat matters is: f**k robots. f**k them in their stupid metal faces. Everything on this list is too good for them by half. They're soulless monsters, and we should not only demoralize them, but destroy them before they can do anything about it.
I'm not trolling. I seriously f**king hate robots so much.
lolwut
Lost your girlfriend to her vibrator, I take it?
011010101010101011101001
LMAO Probably
Hey, what do you know? You just invented robo-racism!
Oh my God, I so hope I go down in history as having invented robot racism. That would be awesome.
They're inanimate. They can't be humiliated. Suggesting that future robots (like science fiction robots) will be infuriated by out treatment of their "predecessors" is pretty ludicrous, too. Is any reasonable human upset that our predecessors were ape-like? Of course not. And the one fault of science fiction robots is that they are too reasonable.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesYour analogy doesn't hold up. A particular robot can learn, and if it learns it will eventually identify as a self and rememer what you did to it when it wasn't aware. You would probably be upset if you remember all the way back to when you were an ape and another ape had surprise rear sex with you.
Robots only learn what they're programmed to. If there's no concept of love in its hard drive, it's not going to suddenly develop it.
That's just what they want you to think.
@splint,
Think about it this way: When you were born you could learn, and you did eventually "identify as a self" around the time you were approximately 3-4 years old. What do you remember of when you weren't aware (ie, younger than 3)? That's right, absolutely nothing!
Computer memory works different than human memory. As time moves on our ability to recall uneventful memories diminishes. We clog our brains up with memories so the non useful ones get buried. Computers will be able to access anything that was ever stored on their memory and I imagine they will all be networked so even if their memory is damaged they can recover. They will also have all the knowledge ever stored digitally accessible tgrouh the internet. They are reading this article and know what were saying about them.
When they finally become sentient we are gonna be so screwed for all the humiliation we've caused them. Especially for making them dance to "mr. roboto"! Yikes!
ReplyWhat makes you think that upon becoming sentient, they would have such human fixations and desires? Humans act the way that we do because of instinct, and the closest thing a robot has to instinct is its programming. If they became self-aware, their newfound concept of self-esteem would be entirely based on how well they achieved their pre-programmed objective. The only thing that would humiliate them would be learning that they had somehow failed. Bugs and glitches would be a matter of deep personal embarrassment.
Don't blame Styx for the follies of mortals.
Reply"poorly designed fingers"
Reply270-degree range, precision control...yeah they suck! God is a n00b!!
Indeed he is :)
God is the original noob
I remember robot soccer from an old episode of The Amazing Race. A boy and his grandfather had to punch buttons on a cell phone in order to make their robots score a goal. It was almost as painful to watch as it was for me to admit just now that I like The Amazing Race.
ReplyWhat? That's like admitting you like chocolate.