The 5 Creepiest Defense Attorney Websites
#2.
Statutory Rape Defense Attorneys
Trial Attorney Richard Allaye Chan doesn't rely on pictures to hawk his services, much to my disappointment. Instead, he opted for a single stock photo of some pillars which are decidedly less engaging than a shot of a malicious and accusing child.
See? See how much better that is, Dick?
To be fair, he has a bigger job to do than advertise his firm: He has to explain to his clients what their conviction means. Statutory is a big word, and Richard Allaye Chan burns 223 words defining it. In fact, his homepage reads more like a Wikipedia post than a proposition for representation.
The Highlight:
"The situation may be a mere case of mistaken identity or the conniving scheme of an underage person to destroy your reputation."
It's a trap!
Statutory rape accusations are the result of one of these two things--they are literally the only options presented on the site. It's startling that anyone ends up in prison for statutory rape in the first place. Lady Justice is indeed blind if she would trust one of these stereotypically "conniving" little beasts enough to convict, or possibly just jealous that the young girls are getting all my attention.
#1.
Domestic Violence Attorneys
Pawuk & Pawuk, P.A., have chosen one of the most questionable photographs possible for a website aimed at people accused of domestic abuse. Assuming the image is supposed to be related to the theme of the site, the message seems to be that sometimes women need to shut their goddamn mouths. It's unclear whether it is her husband's hand over her mouth or the lawyer's hand but the point is, she was talking and someone remedied that situation. The only alternative is that she committed the domestic violence with her extraordinary man hands and is shocked at her own actions, in which case I applaud Pawuk & Pawuk on their willingness to recognize that abuse isn't a one-way gender street.
The Highlight:
"Domestic violence seems to be the arrest of choice for law enforcement these days."
I am a sucker for unsubstantiated declarations. I certainly hope this is true. I like to imagine police officers scrambling to be the first to answer a domestic disturbance call because it's their favorite type of arrest. It would explain the somber eyes all police officers share during traffic stops; there is little chance of a domestic violence arrest without a domicile.
Of all the websites I have chanced upon, this is by far my favorite. A little research reveals that Pawuk & Pawuk are not father and son, or even brothers. They are husband and wife. A husband and wife law team defending domestic abusers. I can't think of anything more perfect and I want to know them, desperately. I want to know if they discuss strategy during sex. I want to know if they discuss sex during those whispering moments between lawyers. I want to know if he has scars and she has man hands. So far, they have not returned any of my calls.
If I was seriously considering the "services" of these fine folk (with the exception of the DUI), I would insist on having the top bunk in my cell while twisting my bed sheets into a noose.
ReplyIf I was a defense attorney, I think I would use a picture of younger white man in a bloody business suit with an incredulous expression on his face while performing the classic "What did I do?" hand gesture with a caption reading, "Cux s**t happens and you know it. Call now!"
Replyi'm surprised you haven't stumbled across websites for bdsm lawyers. yeah, that's a real thing. they specialize in notarizing the contracts between slaves/masters/mistresses, pets/owners, subs/doms/dommes, etc. they also defend you if you get carried away and help you sue if your playmate goes outside the constraints of the aforementioned contract.
Replydon't judge me!
I love how that chick loosened the dude's tie and sent it spinning around his neck... and undid the top button of his shirt with a single punch. But what the hell kind of boxing gloves are those? I can see her fist under there!
Reply#4-I'm worried as to what they mean by doing "whatever it takes" to defend their clients. I'm thinking I probably don't really need to know.
ReplyAnd THIS...
"The situation may be a mere case of mistaken identity or the conniving scheme of an underage person to destroy your reputation."
...wow. I...that... WOW. Same reaction for the domestic violence and sex assault ones, too.
"Creepy" is understating these sites by a truckload.
The picture of the pointing woman for the Innocence legal team is cut from the poster for the 2005 BBC tv version of 'Taming of the Shrew'. Uh...thematically appropriate, I guess?
ReplyYup, and the woman is the actress playing that ghost of a girl who cried in the bathroom in Harry Potter. The world is really a little place these days. Also, should'nt a legal team know better than using a copyrighted pic for their site?
just doing their job. lmao.
ReplyHoly s**t, there a lot of pedophiles in the comments section.
ReplyTerani Law Firm really helped me out when the police discovered my stash of sugar, multivitamins, and a $100 bill.
Replyhahaha
Replydomestic abuse
then the add says "say it with love hearts"
Right under the domestic abuse attorney website, I get an ad for buying wolverine-style claws. How appropriate...
ReplyDid you just refuse to spell Myles with a "y"? Because that would be an understandable reason for the misspellings, despite having the correct version in huge letters at the top of the section and at the top of the article. Because spelling your name with a "y" is ridiculous and is the primary source of my hate for Megyn Kelly.
ReplyYes, but an e or an i is sometimes worse- like in Mitzeee.
my name is Kaylyssa :'(
"Friends don't let friends plead guilty" is officially my new catchphrase.
ReplyI'm going to write that slogan on my thong which I like to wear backwards.
Just so those of you naive enough to believe domestic violence is black and white, evil man versus innocent women, know that there IS a dark exception to these calls. Some women "like" being dominated and abused. Or maybe its that they love the husband/boyfriend unconditionally. Whatever the reason there are instances were women who a few moments earlier could do nothing but take attack after attack suddenly go Anakin Skywalker and full on attack the police officers. Sometimes with knifes or chairs... often with black eyes as well. See enough of these cases, and what is popular knowledge becomes outdated. See a few cases were a women scores one for Feminism by being the abuser, and oh you sexist fools out there, you have NO IDEA. You think any man can take any woman in a fight, you know nothing of fighting, of abuse.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesright my boyfriend readily admits that i could kick his ass even though i never would, and the only guy that ever tried to hit me wound up with a broken arm for the trouble.
That post had so much potential in the first sentence. There are cases of domestic abuse where the woman is the aggressor, but they go under reported because what man wants to admit he's being beaten by a woman in this society?
I thought that what it was going to be about, too; I did an essay on that for my Criminology course, so I could probably dig it up if anyone wanted figures or websites.
and you clearly know nothing of sanity, hon. wipe the foam off your lip and go back to slapping your b***h up. or whatever. nobody is insinuating that only women can be victims. women just come forward more often than men. we know that men can be abused. there's been a lot of attention lately. simmer down, loony, simmer down.
sidenote: there's a diff between being abused and consenting to sadism, which is what i assume you meant when you were ranting about being dominated, which is a completely different kink.
This convicted paedophile in Australia who thinks he's a lawyer has a website dedicated to how much he hates the police and how he thinks he's an expert on "child sexuality". It's fucking creepy, I read about it in Inside Cover (to anyone who isn't sure that IC is,it's a section of a daily newspaper called The West Australian)
ReplyWhile everyone does deserve a defense lawyer, the way these websites are advertising scares me.
ReplyWithout looking down, I predict the comments to be full of MRA types ranting with slightly alarmingly white-edged eyes about how domestic abuse/rape charges are just a conspiracy perpetuated by evil women to rob innocent men of their money and liberty. And money.
ReplyI am fairly certain just going to the sexual abuse website automatically gets you a life time subscription to a government watch list. Good news is I here their parties are crazy.
ReplyEveryones getting all pissy about the rape and domestic violence defense websites, but I would be more upset at the way the drug defense one is portrayed. Why do people seem to think that getting caught with a drug means you are a worthless, hardened criminal who doesn't deserve another chance in society? A drug conviction screws up your chance at many jobs and financial aid for colleges. In the end, it makes it harder for someone who quit doing drugs to have a normal life. I hate this attitude people have of "anyone who has ever been arrested for anything is just a ruthless loser criminal"
ReplyIt really pisses me off that some of you guys think that accused rapists and such don't deserve a defense attorney. Not every person accused of rape is guilty of rape. And statutory rape is a bullshit conviction, anyway. It's just sex between a consenting minor and a consenting adult. Nothing wrong with that. Don't give me the whole "they're too young to think straight" crap. I agree, a 10 year old is not old enough to decide whether or not they would like to have sex with a clear mind about it, because they don't have a clear definition of sex or what it means in a sense of love. But a 14-16 year old does.
Reply Hide All See All 12 RepliesI am going to take this opportunity to point out that sometimes, I don't think the people who want to eliminate anonymity on the internet have the wrong idea.
Evidently you're the kind of client suited to these attorneys..
Doug Hutchison you Lost on here?
I'm not even sure about 14-15, but a friend of mine was 18 and having sex with a 17 y/o, and he got caught and convicted of a felony (Statutory rape). She was only a few months away from her 18th bday too.
Sigh. I got as far as your first sentence and I actually agreed -- of course accused rapists and such deserve a defense attorney, because every accused person deserves a defense attorney. Without this evenhandedness of legal oversight, the justice system would be meaningless.
But then you had to keep on talking about statutory rape and I sadly had to add to the pile of downvotes.
Move to Arkansas, 15 is legal there, perv.
You stay far away from my children, buddy.
You should have stopped with "Not every person accused of rape is guilty of rape."
Why don't you have a seat over there
Dammit! That's what I was going to say... :D
How did that speech work out at your hearing?
I actually agree to a point. In many states it's considered statutory rape between a 16 and 19 year old. Come on, these are kids in high school! Neither should be considered a felon for screwing around. It becomes morally wrong when the age difference expands and you have a child and adult situation on your hands. I wouldn't mind a little reform on the definition of "statutory rape."