There are many winding paths a man can follow to greatness. He could build an orphanage, or perhaps write a symphony. But there is only one man in the history of history to have achieved greatness by screaming "yipee-ki-aye-ay motherfucker" and pushing Professor Snape out of a window. That man was this man:
Bruce Willis. Now, as we ease ourselves into yet another unnecessarily detailed Wikipedia article, we find that perhaps this one is not so wonky after all. It's just "Early Life" this, and "Career" that, and it seems, all in all, to be quite unremarkable. That is, at least until we stumble into "Personal Life," and find this little baby:
"In early 2006, Willis, who usually lives in Los Angeles, moved into an apartment located in the Trump Tower in New York City. In 2007 he purchased a condominium at 220 Riverside Boulevard at Trump Place."
Yes, the man's current residence is on Wikipedia, and if that wasn't written be a lonely Bruce Willis, it may be time for him to change the locks. If it was a lonely Bruce, than let's hope it found him some company. Perhaps it does add a nice personal touch, but what's next? Phone numbers? PIN numbers? Will the madness ever stop?
The answer is no. The madness will never stop, because:
"In Tokyo, Japan, Willis was named honorary chief of the cyberterrorism task force by the National Public Safety Commission on June 12, 2007. Kensei Mizote, the head of the commission, told Willis to "lead the world to create a safer society."
This leaves us all a little confused, and more than a little queasy. It seems hard to imagine that the above could be anything other than the rambling writings of Willis himself, after a particularly convincing Die Hard-induced dream. However, if the "cyberterrorism task force" is an actual thing, and Bruce Willis is in charge, we can only assume that his job is to keep an eye on the Internet and beat the living shit out of it, should it get a little ornery. Maybe even throw it out a window.
Yes, just like everyone else on this excruciating list, Bruce Willis has been busy churning out the albums. It all started in the year of 1987, with The Return of Bruno (which included the hit single "Respect Yourself").
Then, there was If It Don't Kill You, It Just Makes You Stronger in 89, and, of course, a greatest hits collection in 2001.
Believe it or not, it's an actual thing.
Really, what is there to say about the Hulkster? A freaking lot, judging by the astounding length of his Wikipedia entry.
Should you, out of curiosity or some other strange compulsion, copy and paste this monstrosity into Microsoft Word, you'll be rewarded with 30 pages of spectacular information that will, under no circumstances, serve you any use whatsoever. Here's a heaping spoonful of knowledge:
" Hogan was portrayed as a real-life superhero while reaching out to young fans. The consummate role model, he was named the most requested celebrity of the 1980s for the Make-a-Wish Foundation children's charity. As a result, Hogan transformed the business into a sports entertainment spectacle that appealed to prime-time audiences of all ages and backgrounds."
Pictured: a real-life superhero.
So, the lesson here is that if you thought Hulk Hogan was just some wrestler, you were stupid. You were really, really stupid, because Hogan is the consummate role model, and he probably healed every one of those dying kids with his bare hands. Yes, we could all take a page from Hulk's book. But not even a superhero of Hogan's might can last forever, as he was eventually defeated (albeit with a little help from a fireball):
"The hard-fought bout came to its close when a "Japanese photographer" (actually a disguised Harvey Wippleman) got on the apron and distracted Hogan, before shooting some sort of fireball out of the camera and into Hogan's face. This was followed by Yokozuna hitting a leg drop on Hogan for the pin. After his victory, Yokozuna proceeded to give Hogan a Banzai Drop amidst the crying children and cursing adults."
We can still taste the tears.
Everyone remembers what they were doing the day Hulk Hogan was tragically defeated before his time, and the author of this piece does a commendable job of setting the scene of that fateful day and hard-fought bout. The crying children. The cursing adults. We may never know the answer as to how exactly Hogan's mustache survived that treacherous fireball-to-the-face, but some knowledge is better left unclaimed.
"Hogan frequently referred to his fans as "Hulkamaniacs" in his interviews and introduced his three "demandments": training, saying prayers, and eating vitamins. Eventually, a fourth demandment (believing in oneself) was added following his feud with Earthquake in the 1990s."
Pictured: Hulk Hogan, believing in himself.
So, we now see that to become a Hulkamaniac is actually a considerable amount of work. But, in the end, following the four demandments always pays off, and who knows? It might just save your life.
"Well, it seems that you have few skills and no experience... but, since you're a Hulkamaniac, welcome aboard!
For more celebrity disgrace, check out The Top 10 Celebrity Sex Videos Nobody Wanted to See. Or check out the batshit actions of your favorite musicians in The 6 Most (Certifiably) Insane Tales of Rock Star Behavior.