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The 6 Most Inappropriate Porn-Character Occupations
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Every Saturday we have our favorite writers fill in for us. Once again, we have Mike Sacks, who has written for Esquire, GQ, The New Yorker, Time, Vanity Fair and other magazines. He works at Vanity Fair and used to write Radar Magazine's top 100 lists. Today, he shows us why we should be glad that porn characters generally stick to cable installer and pizza delivery boy. #6.
Environmental inspector for the local government, specializing in sewage runoff in areas with highly dissolved oxygen rates.
Sample Dialogue:
WOMAN May I sit on your lap as you show me what you do? MAN Yes. Yes you may. WOMAN What is this gauge for? MAN This gauge is for testing the fecal matter in underground storage facilities that have a tendency to pool beyond the acceptable runoff rate of 23 PCMs per cubic yard of arable soil. WOMAN And this stick? MAN This stick? Or this stick? WOMAN The shorter stick. MAN This stick I use to insert into holes. WOMAN Deep holes? MAN Sometimes. And other times not so deep. It really depends on how much fecal matter is evident in the runoff drains according to county regulation #354-a. But sometimes other runoff is also evident. Like raw sewage caused by the dead animals that clog storm drains. WOMAN Would you like to eat a slice of my freshly baked pie? MAN Yes, ma'am. Lovemaking ensues #5.
A urologist
Sample Dialogue: MAN Ooooh. You are squeezing hard. I like that. What kind of doctor did you say you were? WOMAN I am a urologist. MAN Is that all you do? WOMAN Yes, but I also have a sub-specialty. MAN Oh yeah? I think I'm going to like that too. WOMAN My sub-specialty involves diseases of the bladder and urethra track, such as renal parenchymal disease. MAN I see. WOMAN In addition, I treat sexually transmitted diseases and the ramifications they might cause on the neuromuscular system if they are not dealt with immediately. Like herpes, chlamydia, and penis warts. MAN That sounds sexy. Could you treat me immediately? WOMAN I can try. Lovemaking ensues #4.
Illegal alien specializing in jobs that no one else wants, such as assisting farm vets in shaving down horses
Sample Dialogue: WOMAN Do you work without your shirt? MAN Sometimes. And sometimes not. Yesterday I worked without my shirt when I helped trim the hair around a horse's testicles in order to tattoo an I.D. number for security purposes. WOMAN Like this here horse? All high and mighty and strong? This horse that I ride like a bucking bronco? MAN Yes, little lady. WOMAN What else do you do? MAN Lift large objects onto the backs of other illegal aliens. Clean spittoon buckets. Hose down blood. Sometimes vomit. Sometimes the innards of butchered animals. Masturbate pigs. Other things, too. WOMAN I bet you have a large penis. MAN Yes, my penis is large. WOMAN Large penises are nice. MAN Thank you. WOMAN And that's a plus. Because I bet your job requires a very large penis. MAN Not really, no. WOMAN Will you help me down from this horse? MAN Yes, m'lady. Please step upon this spittoon bucket. Lovemaking ensues #3.
A non-licensed installer of hot-tubs and other household appliances
Sample Dialogue: MAN Hello. I have a report that your hot tub is broken.
WOMAN Where have you been? I've been waiting and waiting for you to arrive to fix my hot tub. I am cold and need to be warmed up. Nothing else will suffice but my hot-tub! MAN Then let's have a look at it. Uh huh. WOMAN Do you know how to fix it? MAN I do not. WOMAN Then why are you here? MAN To fix this. WOMAN Ahhhh. MAN And this. WOMAN Oooh. MAN And that. WOMAN But seriously, you can't fix my hot tub? MAN No, ma'am. I have no proper hot-tub license. I merely have a tremendously hairless scrotum and a bleached anus and an eagerness to rip off lonely housewives. I'll do anything to cheat them out of money, even if it means making love to them and wrongly installing their hot-tubs. WOMAN I see. Lovemaking ensues #2.
Elderly black bathroom attendant at a fancy strip club
Sample Dialogue: WOMAN I've never noticed you before? Have you worked here long? MAN Twelve years. WOMAN What do you do all day? MAN Smell shit and piss. Pump this here soap dispenser. WOMAN May I help you pump that? MAN Yes. WOMAN Does it always smell this bad? MAN My pump? WOMAN This bathroom. MAN Sometimes more. Sometimes less. Depends on what's being served at the buffet. Seafood's bad. Chinese is also bad. WOMAN I understand. Lovemaking ensues #1.
Charles Manson
Sample Dialogue: CHARLES In the House of the Devil, she who rides on bareback must lick the wind! WOMAN Do you come around often? CHARLES The devil comes and spits in your face! WOMAN Would you spit in my face? CHARLES She who believes in hell, must believe in me! WOMAN Do you believe that I'm sexy? CHARLES I believe that the Lord knows that I'm his slave! WOMAN Would you allow me to be your slave? CHARLES I allow you to touch the crest of the wave which I ride! WOMAN May I ride you? CHARLES Yes.
Lovemaking ensues
Check out more from Mike at mikesacks.com
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load of s**t
Not funny? f**k that, I couldn't stop laughing at #6.
Just the first one.
I thought it was quite funny when I thought that these were actual porn films or something... I mean an ACTUAL porn film with that Dialogue would just be hilarious! But since it wasnt, thats kinda weak...
NOT FUNNY :\
.................
That wasn't as funny as I though it would be. I agree with someone who stated it before:
That was weak.
how about the guy who sifts through piles of manure for mushrooms??? wouldn't wanna smell / get aroused by that!!!
Just saw this topic: The 5 Most Ill-Advised Dating Sites on the Web: " Perhaps you've heard of ____Tallmingle.com ? "
Funny ....Seems Tallmingle.com is back now .....
If you don't believe in ghosts, then what the HELL is happening here?! I'd really love to know myself, not just douchebag spamming...
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=1b78d8b44a984bab0dd0&page=3&viewtype=&category=mr
Yeah, there's some sick s**t on the internet, all it takes is a quick Google search.
Truthiness, I'm betting somebody out there has already made that prono. There are some people with fetishes that are just... wrong.
Ha ha-They oughtta make a list top 5-9 reasons why fan fic writers should be forced to go to college!!!
Fan Fic...It's a punch line just by definition!
LOL!!!!!! Twisted saw is a f*****g tool. HAHAHAHAHA his comment is way better than the article.
PLEASE read my Saw FanFiction!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4637854/1/Saws_End_A_Dangerous_Burden
"Saw's End: A Dangerous Burden," by TwistedSaw55
http :// www .fan fiction. net/s/4637854/1/Saws_End_A_Dangerous_Burden
Having learned that Hoffman is Jigsaw’s apprentice, Jill Tuck is on his trail. Will Hoffman escape yet again, or will the games finally come to an end? Either way, their lives will be forever changed when they learn the truth of Jigsaw's ultimate plan! Nothing is as it seems!
htt p ://www .fan fiction. net/s/4637854/1/Saws_End_A_Dangerous_Burden
UPS would be an especially inappropriate porn character occupation when you consider their slogan "What can brown do for you?".
ch!xX0r: I thought the same thing as you, but it was still a little bit amusing
This one was weak. The title implied the list would be going through actual porn that made unfortunate occupation choices, which would have been funnier. Even discounting that aspect, the jokes were repetitive and flat.
Very interesting, but inappropriate depends on the persons point of view I guess. But this is pretty wild stuff no mention of lingerieOasis here.
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hahahaha lol
excuse me it's just when I read the articles I can't stop laughing
XD