The 7 Most Ingenious (And Insane) Smuggling Techniques
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When you combine contraband, poverty, desperation and lots of spare time, you get the bizarre world of the smuggler. Everything from cocaine to human beings is waiting to cross tight borders into lands where they're not welcome. And wherever you find them, you find an army of smugglers using every ounce of their creativity to get them through. Also, it appears quite a few of them are insane. #7.
Mini Subs
Smuggling drugs in completely safe and structurally sound factory-made vehicles is for cowards. Real smugglers climb into leaky, rusty homemade submarines to bootleg their cocaine.
These things aren't just a couple of steel drums welded together, though. They've found subs in Colombia and Mexico big enough to carry up to 11 tons of drugs. The cops seized a partially-built sub that had hydraulic tubing, a protected propeller, a double hull and the ability to dive below 300 feet. It makes mom's attempts to smuggle opium in her wooden leg look sad by comparison. Costing from a few hundred thousand to millions of dollars, the subs are usually crewed by small teams, have ranges of around 5,000 nautical miles and generally carry several hundred million dollars worth of drugs per trip. If you're wondering how you convince a drug mule to get inside one of those things, we're guessing they figure that with 11 tons of drugs in there nobody will notice if, at the end of the trip, a little comes up missing.
#6.
The Lady in the Dashboard
Of course smuggling human beings across borders is a whole different ballgame. After all, it's not like you can just stuff a whole person in the glovebox.
We stand corrected. A few years ago, customs officials at the US-Mexico border stopped a car and requested to see the registration. Being trained in the fine arts of observations, officials noticed something suspicious: a fully grown, 135lb woman jammed in the dashboard, looking out through the glove box. Arguably more stupid, there's also photographic evidence of a man who inserted himself into a car's upholstery in an attempt to disguise himself as a captain's chair. Another passenger was sitting in the seat and the entire car was hoping today was the day customs officials were holding their annual "Bring A Retard To Work Day."
Elsewhere in the universe, some people have attempted to smuggle humans--specifically a woman and her 3 year old daughter--in the gas tank of a Dodge Caravan. If you've never been in a gas tank of a Dodge Caravan you may be surprised to learn it's exactly as uncomfortable as it sounds, which is to say: still better than public transit. #5.
The Vodka Pipeline
Easily half of the Cracked audience is too young to remember prohibition. These days we're lucky enough to wake up and pour Southern Comfort on our Lucky Charms before shitting ourselves and passing out in the kitchen until sundown. But in some countries folks still have to rely on the kindness of smugglers to get their blinding fix. Police recently discovered a vodka pipeline connecting Russia to Estonia, indicating at least one Russian thought the Beer Baron episode of the Simpsons was a reasonable basis for a business endeavor.
The pipe, over a mile long, ran under a reservoir and pumped somewhere in the neighborhood of 1,600 gallons, some of which was confiscated by officials in Estonia (where vodka is far more expensive than in Russia).
The booze pirates managed to avoid paying $72,000 in excise duty before they got caught, which they probably just spent on fuzzy hats and borscht. #4.
Coke-Filled Corpses
You know how sometimes when you're freebasing vaseline and cloves and you think to yourself "Man, if only this had some kind of rotten vitriol from the insides of a corpse on it, this would be way better"? Other people have thought that too. And so they've saved the day by jamming dead bodies full of cocaine so you can get both high and gangrene at the same time.
In Africa, a handful of people were arrested for shipping a couple pounds of cocaine inside the stomach of a corpse they said was a body being returned home for burial. It seems like a more clever excuse would have been to claim that the coke was part of their traditional burial ritual, in which no man is sent into the afterlife without enough blow to get him through the boredom of eternity.
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Wed., Dec. 3, 2008 - World's oldest marijuana stash totally busted
Two pounds of still-green weed found in a 2,700-year-old Gobi Desert grave
Stash for the afterlife: A photograph of a stash of cannabis found in the 2,700-year-old grave of a man in the Gobi Desert. Scientists are unsure if the marijuana was grown for more spiritual or medical purposes, but it's evident that the man was buried with a lot of it.
Nearly two pounds of still-green plant material found in a 2,700-year-old grave in the Gobi Desert has just been identified as the world's oldest marijuana stash, according to a paper in the latest issue of the Journal of Experimental Botany.
A barrage of tests proves the marijuana possessed potent psychoactive properties and casts doubt on the theory that the ancients only grew the plant for hemp in order to make clothing, rope and other objects.
They apparently were getting high too
lol! No joke http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28034925/
And no this is not spam...
Apparently, saying in your will that you want to be burried with it would only work 'til someone digs it up...
Ah yes, Prohibition. That worked REEEEEALLY well, didn't it? Ban a drug people want to take, and all that happens is that greasy gangsters (and Jew-hating fascist philanderers...I'm looking right at you, Joe Kennedy Snr, you despicable pile of s**t) get insanely rich through the huge black market that immediately springs up. Which was the opposite of what's supposed to happen. The people who banned it musta known that'd be the result, which leads one to conclude it was a HUGE SCAM.
Prohibition was like legality, only with the police wasting time harrassing you for NO GOOD REASON, vastly higher prices, and the risk of drinking floor polish flavoured with arsenic instead of bathtub Teacher's.
Hmmmm, should we sink a trillion dollars into curing cancer...or should we waste it keeping pot illegal? Well, banning booze was a raging success, so let's go for the latter. Oh, and at the same time let's use the CIA to run hard drugs in Central America while we have that Muppet Reagan bleat 'Just say no' every ten seconds. Morons. Hypocrites.
Oh, er, this was a funny article and so on, too.
Cocaine Jesus could be a great band name...
You dump him. You deserve anyone beter enough, here is one place for you ----W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M-----
where you can find celebrities and millionaires. Good luck.
alicehuang002As of today, I shall be known as Nova_NIN the cocaine jesus.
You dump him. You deserve anyone beter enough, here is one place for you ----W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M-----
where you can find celebrities and millionaires. Good luck.
alicehuang001Wasn't #1 a plot in Ghost in the Shell, except with animal figurines?
Ingenious? Nah. Those who are best at smuggling have never been caught (Like many on this list.)
If these were "ingenious" then we wouldn't have ever heard about them.
I know some guys who went to Amsterdam, bought a load of pot, and then taped said bags of pot to the back of their balls before getting on the plane home. Except for one of them, who was so high already that he forgot, and just waltzed through with the pot in his coat pocket. And that should tell you something about the level of security at Liverpool John Lennon Airport.
I wonder how hard it is to smuggle illegals back into Mexico...
Plastic Cocaine? That doesn't sound very health.
How could you omit the women who carry heroin in their vaginas? (The tiniest tear in the bag will cause instant death)
man if i had a dollar for every time i tried to smuggle cocaine in the image of jesus...in fact, i think i'm going to name my eighth born child Cocaine Jesus...people could call them Coco Christ as a nickname
ah gay lube had me lawling
my years in thailand say theres nothing more thai thn calling something like that gay lube.
hell ull probably see more gays and trannies there than straight people
Cocaine Jesus would make a great name for a metal band.
Boy, you would have thought that the Pentagon would have at least ONE looker in the biulding to act as "anchorwoman" for their channel. What a waste of tax dollars.
seriousely, i liked the submarine one the most
"You know how sometimes when you're freebasing vaseline and cloves and you think to yourself "Man, if only this had some kind of rotten vitriol from the insides of a corpse on it, this would be way better"?"
I KNEW I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE!!!
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Ahhhh, Everyone is right...Cocaine Jesus would be an awesome name for a band.... "Tonight only 'Cocaine Jesus' and opening for them 'Methadone Moses'...." :)