Did you dream of growing up to be James Bond when you were a kid? Are you still dreaming of it?
Well, lucky for you, becoming a spy doesn't involve getting thrown into a van with a blindfold and driven into an underground headquarters where you're waterboarded until you swear loyalty. No, you can just apply for it online, like any other job.
Let's take a look at your choices before you start your career as a lethal, tuxedo-wearing sex machine:
Of course we start here, with the organization that pays for James Bond's poison dart-firing wristwatches. The foundation for The Secret Intelligence Service began in 1909, when monocled gentlemen needed to keep tabs on an increasingly hostile Germany. And while Bond probably got his job by making his way through some kind of obstacle course where he had to kill a bunch of dudes, today you can just apply via the careers section of the MI 6 website.
Provided you're British, all you have to do is fill out this quick and easy form and you're on your way to telling women just exactly how to make your martinis.
What You'll Be Doing:
You know, driving an Astin Martin, banging women with sexually suggestive names. Oh, and maybe taking part in a propaganda campaign to drum up support for a war. It was MI 6 who implemented Operation Mass Appeal in the years before the invasion of Iraq, planting stories in the news media to play up the threat from Saddam.
That might cause some disillusionment for those of us whose heads are filled with visions of gold-painted women and cat-stroking nemeses, realizing that our hours spent practicing precision coin-flips into the beam of a crotch-searing laser were all for nothing. That feeling may pass when you find out that "Q" was apparently based on a real person. Just show us to our invisible car, baby!
4The National Clandestine Service
The USA's National Clandestine Service is a new branch of the CIA that was officially announced in October of 2005, so you can really get in on the ground floor of this one. They've been eagerly searching for new recruits. Perhaps you've seen the ads on cable.
That's right. The NCS is apparently looking for the average Joe Dirtbiker to serve in a covert group of government spies. According to the ad, it doesn't take much to make the cut. Are you a curious, purposeful patriot? Do the ads for DeVry look like too much reading, and not enough purposeful walking? Then sign on up, brother and we'll have you sitting in a nondescript pizza delivery van outside of Reverend Farrakhan's funeral in no time.
But the CIA isn't only trolling the fertile waters of late night cable audiences. They have a Facebook page too. Astonishingly, the group only has three friends, or at least three friends that you can see.
What You'll Be Doing:
Your new job as an NCS employee may include sexy missions like destroying video tapes depicting Americans "harshly interrogating" prisoners. And if you're really good, you may wind up in the Special Activities Division, sometimes referred to as "The Division of Blowing Shit Up."
They're looking for experts in parachuting, small arms, explosives and hanging off the bottom of helicopters. We believe the first question on the application is, "If you wind up in a life or death situation, and we at the agency disavow your existence, will you try to hunt us down? Y/N (circle one)."