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Why is this? I believe it's because "society" frowns upon this form of intercourse, even though 9 out of 10 women prefer it. (Like most other facts in my book, I just made that up.) Why do I put "society" in quotation marks? Because what is "society?" It's you and me, and the only way we are going to change "society" is by taking an active role in dispensing with the embarrassment and shame of putting your wiener in some chick's butt. How do we do this? As loving men, how do we approach the sensitive question: Anal? There are a couple of different methods. The most common is what I call "the accidental method." Simply put, you wait until you are about to have intercourse. Then, you "accidentally" put it in her rear end. When she says, "That's the wrong hole," you say, "There's nothing wrong about it." From that point, it should be obvious how she wants you to proceed.
I don't recommend this approach because it catches the lady off guard and, if for some reason, she does not want to proceed in the prescribed manner, it necessitates you either cleaning yourself off or "double dipping," which is not a good idea for hygienic reasons. Another approach is the "finger twaddle." I call it that because "twaddle" is a very funny word. This is a multi-stage process. First, during foreplay, spend some time fondling her tush. If she responds positively, insert your pointer finger, a maneuver I call "the twaddle." Twaddle around in there a little. She likey? Great. Now, as you twaddle, whisper the following in her ear. "Roll over, baby." The rest should take care of itself.
Maybe you're one of those guys who likes to lay down the rules of the road before the evening progresses to coitus. As I mentioned before, simply posing the question in a straightforward manner rarely achieves the desired result. Instead, try asking in an indirect way. Perhaps you've just enjoyed a romantic dinner together (I suggest Red Lobster). The evening is going well, and you suspect the two of you might end up in bed together later in the evening. Great. Here's what you do: Order dessert. (If you take my suggestion of Red Lobster, I further suggest "The Chocolate Wave.") When your Chocolate Wave arrives, spoon some of that gooey concoction into her mouth, and say, "I wish this gooey concoction was my wang, and I wish your mouth was your butt." If she says, "I wish that, too," you'll know where you stand. If she says, "That's disgusting," you can easily say, "I was just kidding." Or, less convincingly, you could try, "I think you misunderstood me." But that's not the kind of thing that's easily misunderstood.
If this is still too direct, take her on a long walk through a nature conservancy or arboretum. While strolling among the flora and fauna, take her hand in yours and say something like, "I'm having a great time. I'd like to know everything about you." Women love to hear that. Next, ask her a series of utterly meaningless questions: "What are your hopes and dreams?" "Have you ever been in love?" "What's the worst tragedy that's ever befallen you?" Etc., etc. As you are "listening," slowly wrap your arm around her waist, and slide your hand down to the small of her back. Continue talking until you decide the moment is right for an "over-the-pant finger twaddle." This is accomplished by lightly caressing her anus in a "sympathetic manner." How do you caress somebody's anus sympathetically? Brother, if I have to tell you that, you need more help than I can offer.
Another tactic I have found helpful in the past is the tried and true, "I have a friend who ... " scenario. The way this works is pretty self-explanatory. While talking, mention that you have a friend who would like to fuck her in the ass. If she asks who, say "You don't know him," then quickly follow up with, "Isn't that so funny?" If she says anything other than, "That's disgusting," then I think you can safely assume that she will respond positively to those three magic words, "Roll over, baby." As you can see, there is no one way to deal with this perpetually vexing situation. Instead, try a variety of the techniques outlined above. Trust your intuition. And if, by chance, you find yourself with a woman who doesn't like it in the rear, don't despair. While anal sex is an important consideration when considering a mate, it's important to remember that it's not the only consideration. Remember, over time, even the tightest tush will wear out, but a warm heart never will.
*I confined this essay to the heterosexual community, as I don't know the protocols for the other half, although I suspect the conversation usually goes something like this:
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my boyfriend asked me straight up, "do you like to get fucked in the ass"...lmao. and no, and he was so sad. so effing sad indeed...:)
I tip my hat (ehr...twaddle wipe) to you sir.
OH MY GOD DUDE YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SHOW!!!....AGAIN!!!
another ex thinks im gay-curious if i just mention anal sex to her.
Did MIB write these essays in high school?
hilarious, while i think anal is cool im too mortified by the fact that any man would want to put his baby maker in anyones butt to try it.
i love this guy. he is so funny
Excellent work sir.
i just ruined the fact that this was 69 comments.
One of my friends was banging his girl one time and was feeling adventurous, so he decided to slip it in her butthole unannounced. Having no idea what was going on, the girl said, "Get off me!" My friend misheard and thought she said, "Get Awesome!" and raised his hands triumphantly, still butt-fucking her and yelling out, "Yeah! Get Awesome!"
Poo is gross.
Micheal Ian Black
you sir are a genius!
Bring Stella back!
They are the greatest couple.
well, not always frigid, just uninformed or they had someone try the first tactic he mentioned
also, MIB got a book offer? i guess the publisher has never read these shitty articles
I think anal, and this article, are awesome !! girls just have to get over it, it's a great experience. :-D people who refuse it are just frigid !. :-D x
Amazing.
I think I have had a number of these "let me put it in your butt" techniques tried on me.
Response:
Sorry Moby Dick!
Or:
I don't perfer anal with a horse, good day!
I see anal sex as God's consolation prize to guys with little dingers. Salami in your pants? Good for you, but no. Cocktail weiner? Gimme some chocolates and a day at the spa and we'll talk.
The use of the word wiener is terrible, it comes across as childish and emasculating. The entire premise of the article seems to be feigned embarrassment about a time-honored sexual practice. Also, using two first names sounds elitist and inconsistent coming from someone who pretends to be white trashy. I hope your book is abhorred, Michael Ian.
I love Micheal Ian Black, and was very sad to see he was married when I checked IMDB. I swear I cried for an hour...then I got over it when I realized someone as cool as him wouldn't care about a nameless Cracked poster. Anyway, that second technique my last bf used and it got me liking anal.teeheehee... I shall buy the book, if it's similar to this article, it shall make for fun reading!
No, not the ones that make silly gag gifts. The ones that look like torture devices from a post-Apocalyptic future.
Weird, even for fanfiction.
The Bible: The Poor Man's Hustler.
Everything can be traced back to "weiner."
Can't wait to read the comments on this article.
Grrr! Let's play Barbies.
Some great presidents acted like super villains.
Mr. Duchovny, It has recently come to my attention (as well as the attention of everyone else) that you are in rehab for Sex Addiction. First off, let me say congratulations; that's super great. Pr ...
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cgigurl
I had anal before vaginal sex, and I thought it was great! I don"t see what the big deal is with women here in the US
I Actually prefer it sometimes