Liberal Guilt Justified: 6 Creepy Mail Order Bride Websites
No matter how you feel about globalization or free trade, something seems a bit off about importing people. Maybe it's the whole slavery thing or the West's history of colonization. Here are a few websites that might pique your interest, and in turn, rack your soul with guilt.
#6.
KievConnections.com
These ladies from Kiev, Ukraine are seeking eligible bachelors for meaningful relationships (i.e. visa sponsorships). Like many international bride sites, Kiev Connections allows you to either make contact through a translated letter and/or by sending gifts, including flowers, chocolates and teddy bears. All of which will be burnt for heat during the winter.
Sample Profiles:
This is Natasha. She's an accountant, but likes to spend her spare time practicing the art of undoing her pants without breaking overly intense eye contact with you. Also, she has the head-to-body ratio of a bobble head doll.
Here is Tatyana posing next to the tree she hides behind during Cossack raids.
True Love Testimonial:
"I am the luckiest man in the world. I have a wife who unquestionabl[y] loves me. She is the most wonderful lady I have ever known and I am proud to call her my wife. We are also VERY much in love and every minute of every day is spent together."
This comes from Brett, who also happens to be the proprietor of Kiev Connections. He's an American that had bad experiences with other mail-order bride sites before meeting his wife and getting his own pimp on. In other words, he's not just the president of the Former Soviet Harem Club for Men, he's also a client.
From the FAQ:
"Aren't there any decent men in Ukraine?"
"Unfortunately, it is very difficult for a Ukrainian man to provide for his family. There are few well-paying jobs in the Ukraine. How can the men here take pride in themselves if they can not provide for their family[?] The result[:] Ukrainian men bend to peer pressure and drink and drink."
Of the many, many things that cause men of the Ukraine to drink--things like, say, their wife leaving them for a pock-marked IT guy from Kansas City--they go with "peer pressure." Apparently, this devastated nation is just a few Saved by the Bell-message-episodes away from getting back on the right track.
Chances of Finding Everlasting Love:
A perusal of the profiles reveals that many of these women don't speak English and are attracted to qualities like "independence," "self-sufficiency" and "financial loaded-ness." If you're rich and don't mind spending months to years in an uncomfortable silence, and are not totally devastated by the stiflingly depressing idea of buying a poor man's wife away from him, by all means give it a go.
#5.
AsianBridesOnline.com
This introduction and tour service claims to represent over 20,000 beautiful women that have the potential to bear children who are good at math. It's boasted that members can meet between 500 to 2,000 of these ladies while on one of their tours, meaning there's a good chance your special someone has already been passed over by numerous other clients.
Sample Profiles:
Hailing from Shenzhen, China is Ximei. She can shot-put the hell out of pretty much any kind of fruit, if you're into that sort of thing.
True Love Testimonial:
"It was refreshing to meet women who are actually looking for real love, not just a penis with a wallet. And the best thing is they are much more beautiful and younger than the women I meet in America. I only wish I had discovered this 20 years ago." --Robert L 2006
Robert is pretty up front about who he is: an old man who uses Asia like it's MySpace. By saying he wished he discovered this 20 years ago, Robert really means he would've liked to erase two decades of unconvincing penis and wallet-touting pick-up lines.
From the FAQ:
"Do they use the metric system?"
"Yes. The metric system is in use."
Matchmaking should be facilitated, but perhaps the site should examine whether those who ask this common inquiry should be allowed procreate or, at the very least, represent the United States overseas.
Chances of Finding Everlasting Love:
Testimonials remark about the number of beautiful women met, but few describe meeting a more permanent mate. With tour packages running from $3,000 to $7,500, it sounds a bit pricey for a surrogate spring break.
On the other hand, they do offer a fiancée visa tutorial if you want to take one home with you. And remember guys, the tutorial specifically recommends you refrain from using the term "concubine" when describing your situation to immigration officials.
#4.
South of the Border Introductions (SOTB.com)
This site offers thousands of profiles of Latinas looking for long-term partners in the US, and does its best to remove any guilt by mentioning that many of the women are English-speaking professionals who already have visas. These corporate types often show up in profiles wearing bikinis and flaunting heaving tanned cleavage. Apparently, office dress codes are not nearly as stringent in Latin America.
Sample Profiles:
This is Kelly from Columbia in SOTB's models section. She is looking for a generous man to pay 25 bucks to send her email she will never return.
Here we have Vilma from Brazil. She is 5'2", Catholic and on loan from a Godard film.
True Love Testimonial:
"I will be leaving for Peru in May as a result of the Personal Ad you placed for me in South America. Thanks!!! This may be the one. What I would like to know is how do I get her to Texas?" D.B. - Texas
This testimony was particularly attention-grabbing due to D.B.'s question. Hopefully, SOTB responded by telling him, "Invite her." Other options for getting Peruvian women to Texas, including "by coercion" or "by llama," seem troublesome and possibly illegal.
From the FAQ:
"Are these members looking to escape economic conditions in their country?"
"No. Many of these members are very well educated, have good jobs or careers and some even own their own businesses. They also have extremely close family ties, which is a strong part of the Latin culture."
Gotcha. As long as it's not for financial reasons, it's all good that they're leaving their culture, businesses and family to go marry some random American that thought they looked hot in a two-piece.
Chances of Finding Everlasting Love:
Going "South of the Border" is usually associated with blinding intoxication and encounters with low-cost prostitutes in Tijuana. In this case, it's something entirely different. There's implicitly no booze and the women involved are possible mates rather than prostitutes. That being said, we'd like to remind interested parties that the original meaning can usually be handled with simple antibiotics.
No, just no. That first pic there with the Natasha chick is not physiologically possible. Her neck would snap if she bumped her head on something. That's just...can't be possible.
ReplyWhat I'm really hoping is that someone was really terrible at altering photos and made her head comically huge. Either that or the woman seriously deserves to be in some sort of record book, because she looks like a hot air balloon attached to a stick.
These sites look like they're a front for human trafficking.. Highly unlikely that all these women are on there out of their own free will..
ReplyYes, because no woman in a third world country would ever leave voluntarily.
Yeah, dj is about right. Apparently you've never seen some of the conditions people live in...
What's pathetic is how so many of these naive,clueless American men actually believe that a woman they had to buy like a slave and who prostituted herself online really and truly loves and is devoted to him.It never registers in their mind that the woman only wanted two things:to escape impoverished conditions and become a US citizen,after which she'll likely dump ol' Texas Jerry for someone younger and more attractive.These kind of men have such a deep-seated hatred of American women that they'll buy into and believe anything.
ReplyMeh, I think that while perhaps in a few cases you're right, I'm guessing in the places many of these women come from chances are they value men who can provide for them an awful lot, probably more so than they value looks. If they come here and whoever...erm...'ordered' them provides for them well, I'm willing to bet that it probably isn't that uncommon for the girls to stick with em.
And ok, how is she going to meet these men? What's she going to do, go out to bars she has never seen before during the day when whoever brought her over is at work and chat up these men with her likely not-so-great english and complete lack of money, praying to god whoever her provider is doesn't find out and kick her out on the street? I think I can say with a fair bit of confidence that while many a-young male would screw these women, that's a way, WAY different thing than providing for them. WAY different. Looks are probably close to last on many of these women's lists.
So let's tally this up; she likely doesn't speak english well, she has basically nothing to her name, while I'm not sure how the whole citizenship thing works she's either not a citizen yet or is newly a citizen and is probably afraid of getting deported since she probably doesn't understand how the whole process works, she doesn't know this country very well, she likely came from a place where women are viewed as not as valuable and as such maybe isn't used to the freedom women have in the U.S., she probably knows either absolutely nobody or close to nobody here and has no one else to go to and may well be out on the street if she gets caught fishing for other men...and with the guy who brought her over she's got a place to live, is being provided for, is probably being treated at least pretty nicely (and again probably pretty damn well compared to how women are treated in some countries), doesn't have to worry about supporting herself or getting thrown out on her ass, is safe and protected, is with someone who she'll probably grow comfortable being around and who will understand her language and cultural incongruities (it may be akin to stockholm syndrome, but it won't be in her head. This guy saved her from whatever her conditions were and gave her all the things I mentioned...to someone who may never have had anything close to just those amenities that would probably seem like a really, really big deal)...
and you're saying that she'd go on ahead and risk all these things that she's gained with this guy, and whatever comfort and understanding she gains with him, and probably have to deal with divorce or other obstacles, just so that she can find someone more attractive?
You must be out of your god damn mind.
How the guy who brought her over looks would most likely be nothing in comparison to her view of him as a provider and as a pinnacle of comfort and familiarity in a scary, unknown place where she has no one else.
I think you aren't really thinking about the women we're talking about and what kinds of positions they're in. Also, I'm not sure what would give you the idea that hating American women would have anything to do with why someone goes with a mail order bride, but I'm pretty sure that is not one of the more common reasons. Actually, I'm guessing it is more likely because some older men want nice, attractive young wives and most normal young American women are looking for men their own age and want nothing to do with overweight old dudes. I'm not sure where you come from or how old you are, but your view seems a bit warped here...
@ Uberpenguin
Dude, you went on for a majorly long time, but well said.
Granted, these sort of sites tend to attract the creepier individuals who seek foreign brides, but they exist for a reason: women (and often men) overseas are eager to escape their living conditions. Americans tend to be breathtakingly ignorant of how most of the rest of the world lives. For example, take the country known as the "Bridebasket of Europe": Ukraine. The average monthly income is around $100. That's $3 a goddamn day. Just think about that for a minute, in comparison to what even a f*****g McDonald's employee here in America makes. A HUGE number of things we take for granted simply don't exist there. An example: manhole covers. Yeah, it sounds ridiculous to us, but people fall down them all the time at night because they're always getting stolen for scrap (along with anything else metal, including roadsigns). I can go on and on, but it gets tedious after a while listing the horrible conditions that are normal elsewhere.
ReplyTLDR: don't blame the girls for wanting out of living like that.
Ever heard of human trafficking? Do you really think that all these women are on there because of free will? Highly unlikely..
I don't understand how someone could be okay with having to BUY someone to love them. Thats just sad & desperate!
ReplyI wonder why there are no African sites?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMaybe African women have more self respect?
The men who "shop" at these sites are typically older,white,conservative men with money...do the math.
That, and all of these women are presumed to be there willingly. When someone talks about taking women out of Africa, it's usually in a sex slavery trade and they know this.
Having '.co.uk' at the end of my email used to annoy me but now, thanks to sites like those, I can wave it around like a massive Union Jack coloured dong that ejaculates visa'.
ReplyIt's sexy time! Get your visa' here, get 'em while they're all British and repressed, limited time special offer on hot Russian twins (involves gluing you together and claiming you're conjoined).
What?! If you have a penis you were thinking it...And if you have a penis and you weren't then why the hell not. This is Cracked, we're all too cutting edge, balls out, living life to have morals. No? Just me then?
Edit: They all want "financially stable" and like I said "this is Cracked"..
Colombia not Columbia.
ReplyCEO meets an attractive American woman who finds the security and opportunity he offers her appealing. They marry. Normal.
ReplyMid-level manager meets an attractive Russian woman who finds the security and opportunity he offers her appealing. They marry. Creepy.
Yeah, that makes sense.
I'm not sure what the source of the humor is here...that attractive women are willing to marry less attractive men for financial reasons? I mean, of course. No shit. That happens all the time. Finances are a factor in MOST long-term relationships.
Not impressed.
Sad, pathetic, socially inept 55 y/o man who wants to fcuk a woman young enough to be his daughter, who is either a fake profile on a scammer's site or woman willing to have sex with a stranger in order to get her green card? Nothing creepy about that.
And yeah, finances are factors in most long term relationships. But I don't think paying for an INTRODUCTION via cyber pimp is quite the same thing.
Cracked reader completely misses the point and the context of an article. Normal.
Natasha, in the first picture, seriously looks like her head was photo shopped on. Maybe it isn't but damn. She is either really tiny or has a huge head. It's really bothering me haha.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAnd Odessa from Ukraine looks kinda like a man. Or maybe it's just bad plastic surgery...
At the very least, if you get Odessa, when you're done with her, you can sucker her to a window with those lips for storage.
I was thinking the same thing! She's like Angelina Jolie with a deadly bee allergy and she just tried to steal honey, face first.
"Her" name is Irina and "she" hails from Odessa, Ukraine.
Guys are always talking about women who are "too hot" to want "a guy like you".
ReplySo getting lucky enough to have a slightly more desirable facial structure also alters a woman's personality to only want men who also have desirable facial structures? And I suppose EVERYONE'S taste is the same?
I mean, I consider Tom Cruise to be SUPER attractive.
But many think that he is not only unattractive, but UGLY.
What accounts for this massive difference in opinion?
I guess it does allow these women an escape from possibly terrible life circ*mstances. Look, I'm trying to find a silver lining here, don't judge me!
ReplyI had thought the silver lining was when they had sex with you to do so?
I was afraid to look at the comments because Cracked readers can be seriously creepy sometimes, but I was pleasantly surprised! Maybe it was because the trolls were discouraged by the smaller number of views this article received, which I don't understand at all - it is hilarious (if very sad) and I'm currently going through all of Anthony Layser's stuff and it's really good!
ReplyIs Scarlett Johansson really hot? I've never really thought so, myself.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAlso, the guy who has Svetlana, yeah, that's what they'll usually end up with. That or the mouth-breather nerd in any comedy.
I second that opinion.
What?? Scarlett not hot? I've honestly never heard I dude say that. I think she's gorgeous. I mean... holy shit. She has great boobs, nice curves (she's not a stick) and a gorgeous face. Do you think any women are hot? lol
It's cool bro, I always thought SJ was more or less only hot for her set of humongous gazongas...now granted, there's nothing wrong with gigantic melons, I'm as big a fan as the next guy, but plenty of famous women can bring far more to the table than huge cans, regardless of how exceptional her hooters may be.
And yes, I was trying to use as many euphemisms for knockers as possible. There was another one.
Headlights.
Another.
...
I can't stop myself, help me.
Actually if she's Russian there is no language barrier. They start english in grade school there. Or at least they did in 88 when I was there.
ReplyI thought "going south of the border" usually involved oral sex? Not actually travelling somewhere?
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesya i've only ever heard of it for oral sex. i had no idea there was an alternative meaning
Funny, I'd only ever heard it as going to Mexico or points south. Never heard of it for oral sex until fairly recently.
It originally referred to Tijuana donkey shows, you see, and then split into those two different definitions.
Whatever happened to the good old tradition of just getting wasting in a bar and meeting someone there. Or go to church. Or the gym?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesReally, these sites only really serves to promote human trafficking.
The men who frequent these sites aren't interested in a woman who's going to expect them to do things like talk to them, or take an interest in them, or maybe do things they want to do. They're interested in someone who will do what they want, when they want, no back-talk. Can't get that from a woman in a bar.
That's a bit cynical. Some guys are the opposite, I think; very shy, or maybe just very unlucky, who either are naive enough to think these tend to work as claimed, or who know better but still hope they wind up as one of the unique few that actually hit it off. Some guys need to start with an advantage, I think, just for confidence, even if they'd never actually abuse it.
I think that when I...men I mean, yes, are looking for someone, they're primarily looking for a woman that has tender flesh, a beautifully shaped skull and who has no one to report them missing. Thus, these sites provide ladies that serve our dining...erm, romantic needs perfectly...so...very perfectly...
the last site is just amusing...
Replyseriously, I had to look at it after this article.
is there any possible way that all of those photos are genuine unedited pictures of the women there? seriously, most look like they were done professionally, and professional photographers cost a lot of money.
When buying from eBay, you can ask for a refund based on the grounds that the item is "significanly not as described." Meaning they posted a great looking photo of an item while the one actually sent to you is a busted up piece of crap.
Elana is really 50ish, wears a babushka, is grossly overweight, and gets violent when hitting the vodka. That just does not sell like a tall redhead with firm boobs.
What amuses me the most about this is the ad that keeps showing up at the end of this article. What is is, you ask? Russian Love Match.
Reply Hide All See All 10 RepliesYup. Google sure knows how to advertise by matching content...
On my case I got the ad for a dating site for Muslim women who are looking for Muslim husbands...go figure
I got Thai women
i got a rock.
I got cheap eating in nyc
hah, the one on the first page was russian love match..for the second page i got ukraine date..
I got "Date Wealthy Men." And American Family Insurance. Apparently, it knows I'm female.
I got Adblock Plus for Firefox. I forgot what ads are.
Dammit, mine didn't know I was female. I got Russian Love Match too.
Don't they have guys in Russia suagr?
i got Christian Mingle. at least skim my history and figure out what im into- pre-op tentacled furries.
LOVE the last line
Replyit usually gets me down, oh right, the article..