Liberal Guilt Justified: 6 Creepy Mail Order Bride Websites

No matter how you feel about globalization or free trade, something seems a bit off about importing people. Maybe it's the whole slavery thing or the West's history of colonization. Here are a few websites that might pique your interest, and in turn, rack your soul with guilt.

These ladies from Kiev, Ukraine are seeking eligible bachelors for meaningful relationships (i.e. visa sponsorships). Like many international bride sites, Kiev Connections allows you to either make contact through a translated letter and/or by sending gifts, including flowers, chocolates and teddy bears. All of which will be burnt for heat during the winter.

Sample Profiles:

This is Natasha. She's an accountant, but likes to spend her spare time practicing the art of undoing her pants without breaking overly intense eye contact with you. Also, she has the head-to-body ratio of a bobble head doll.

Here is Tatyana posing next to the tree she hides behind during Cossack raids.

True Love Testimonial:

"I am the luckiest man in the world. I have a wife who unquestionabl[y] loves me. She is the most wonderful lady I have ever known and I am proud to call her my wife. We are also VERY much in love and every minute of every day is spent together."

This comes from Brett, who also happens to be the proprietor of Kiev Connections. He's an American that had bad experiences with other mail-order bride sites before meeting his wife and getting his own pimp on. In other words, he's not just the president of the Former Soviet Harem Club for Men, he's also a client.

From the FAQ:

"Aren't there any decent men in Ukraine?"
"Unfortunately, it is very difficult for a Ukrainian man to provide for his family. There are few well-paying jobs in the Ukraine. How can the men here take pride in themselves if they can not provide for their family[?] The result[:] Ukrainian men bend to peer pressure and drink and drink."

Of the many, many things that cause men of the Ukraine to drink--things like, say, their wife leaving them for a pock-marked IT guy from Kansas City--they go with "peer pressure." Apparently, this devastated nation is just a few Saved by the Bell-message-episodes away from getting back on the right track.

Chances of Finding Everlasting Love:
A perusal of the profiles reveals that many of these women don't speak English and are attracted to qualities like "independence," "self-sufficiency" and "financial loaded-ness." If you're rich and don't mind spending months to years in an uncomfortable silence, and are not totally devastated by the stiflingly depressing idea of buying a poor man's wife away from him, by all means give it a go.

This introduction and tour service claims to represent over 20,000 beautiful women that have the potential to bear children who are good at math. It's boasted that members can meet between 500 to 2,000 of these ladies while on one of their tours, meaning there's a good chance your special someone has already been passed over by numerous other clients.

Sample Profiles:

Hailing from Shenzhen, China is Ximei. She can shot-put the hell out of pretty much any kind of fruit, if you're into that sort of thing.

True Love Testimonial:

"It was refreshing to meet women who are actually looking for real love, not just a penis with a wallet. And the best thing is they are much more beautiful and younger than the women I meet in America. I only wish I had discovered this 20 years ago." --Robert L 2006

Robert is pretty up front about who he is: an old man who uses Asia like it's MySpace. By saying he wished he discovered this 20 years ago, Robert really means he would've liked to erase two decades of unconvincing penis and wallet-touting pick-up lines.

From the FAQ:

"Do they use the metric system?"
"Yes. The metric system is in use."

Matchmaking should be facilitated, but perhaps the site should examine whether those who ask this common inquiry should be allowed procreate or, at the very least, represent the United States overseas.

Chances of Finding Everlasting Love:
Testimonials remark about the number of beautiful women met, but few describe meeting a more permanent mate. With tour packages running from $3,000 to $7,500, it sounds a bit pricey for a surrogate spring break.

On the other hand, they do offer a fiancée visa tutorial if you want to take one home with you. And remember guys, the tutorial specifically recommends you refrain from using the term "concubine" when describing your situation to immigration officials.

This site offers thousands of profiles of Latinas looking for long-term partners in the US, and does its best to remove any guilt by mentioning that many of the women are English-speaking professionals who already have visas. These corporate types often show up in profiles wearing bikinis and flaunting heaving tanned cleavage. Apparently, office dress codes are not nearly as stringent in Latin America.

Sample Profiles:
This is Kelly from Columbia in SOTB's models section. She is looking for a generous man to pay 25 bucks to send her email she will never return.

Here we have Vilma from Brazil. She is 5'2", Catholic and on loan from a Godard film.

True Love Testimonial:

"I will be leaving for Peru in May as a result of the Personal Ad you placed for me in South America. Thanks!!! This may be the one. What I would like to know is how do I get her to Texas?" D.B. - Texas

This testimony was particularly attention-grabbing due to D.B.'s question. Hopefully, SOTB responded by telling him, "Invite her." Other options for getting Peruvian women to Texas, including "by coercion" or "by llama," seem troublesome and possibly illegal.

From the FAQ:

"Are these members looking to escape economic conditions in their country?"
"No. Many of these members are very well educated, have good jobs or careers and some even own their own businesses. They also have extremely close family ties, which is a strong part of the Latin culture."

Gotcha. As long as it's not for financial reasons, it's all good that they're leaving their culture, businesses and family to go marry some random American that thought they looked hot in a two-piece.

Chances of Finding Everlasting Love:
Going "South of the Border" is usually associated with blinding intoxication and encounters with low-cost prostitutes in Tijuana. In this case, it's something entirely different. There's implicitly no booze and the women involved are possible mates rather than prostitutes. That being said, we'd like to remind interested parties that the original meaning can usually be handled with simple antibiotics.