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A showdown between Rambo, John McClane and the T-800 to determine who is the biggest bad ass of all-time. JOHN RAMBO
Our Hero, Folks In the words of Rambo First Blood Part II's tagline: "They sent him on a mission and set him up to fail. But they made one mistake. They forgot they were dealing with Rambo." In other words, Rambo is a lot like Dr. Dre: you should never, ever forget about him. Similarly, nor should you talk about guns like he ain't got none. (Rambo does have guns.) Level of Hardness But this ends up being the equivalent of a unicorn blowing a rainbow compared to pretty much everything in the sequel, Rambo First Blood Part II, where Rambo is dropped into a Vietnamese jungle to rescue POWs. While there, Rambo manages to kill every single Russian soldier in the occupied country, retroactively winning the Vietnam War for America. Keep in mind this wasn't even his mission: he accomplishes this with the same sort of "Well shoot, as long as I'm here" attitude you or I might adopt while running errands and deciding to pick up some steaks at the butcher's. Apparently because he'd gotten so good at it, in Rambo III our hero's flown to occupied Afghanistan, this time to single-handedly kill the shit out of another Soviet army (he does). While shooting hordes of tank-operating filthy commies, Rambo somehow manages to get shot once. Not a problem: Rambo smartly packs his gunshot wound with gun powder, lights that bitch on fire, then cauterizes the wound with a hot knife. To put the hardness of this into perspective for you: this is a man whose solution to getting shot is to cram explosives into his body and blow up the wound to clean it. Just for the record, that's not just hard--that's actually totally motherfucking insane. Defining Scene Rambo gets captured by evil Communists, who act a lot like Nazis for some reason. The evil Commies force Rambo to use an old HAM radio so they can trick the Americans into coming back to rescue him and walk into a fiendish trap. It would be an impossible situation for anybody but Rambo, who luckily forms a brilliant plan at the last second: he uses the radio to tell Murdock he's going to boot-fuck his slimy ass when he gets back to America, then caves in a dude's skull with the radio, then stabs his way out of the enemy camp with an enormous hunting knife, then grabs a gun the size of a European car and kills every Russian in a fifty mile radius. Seriously-we never would have thought of that. Here we see the culmination of those events, as Rambo arrives home and expresses his frustration with bureaucracy by unloading a couple thousand rounds of ammo into a computer bank, and threatening Murdock with the giant hunting knife. We probably would have just written an strongly worded email in Microsoft Word and never sent it, but this works too.
Mitigating Factors Rating: 9/10 |
now, rambo is most likely the biggest badass on this list, but mcaine is definetly the funniest, and the t-8oo is basically the iphone of the bunch, -mediocre imitations of them.
Burma's a warzone.
Another mitigating factor against Rambo: his latest installment of Rambo: Rambo. His motivation in the movie is to help save p***y missionaries who he repeatedly warned not to enter genocidal Burma, but who did anyway.
and one more thing:
where is jason bourne on this list? He is f*****g AWESOME!!!
also, better people than John McClaine have tried to kill him...
and failed
also, i whole-hartedly agree with this article
who the f**k keeps posting world of warcraft ads and comments that aren't even in english? C'mon, CRACKED, you can do better than not to block these people?
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Prologue: I have a time machine. November 20, 2012. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC. The office of President John McCain. 2:00pm. President John McCain has refused to give int ...
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Elementalblazer
He obviously did that to have an excuse to kill pirates and soldiers.