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Grossly Inaccurate Review: Star Wars Attack of the Clones - DVD
DVD REVIEW:
by John Cheese (Our review of the original theatrical release is HERE.) Lucasfilm
I almost stood and applauded when those words appeared, but somehow I maintained my composure. Next, the Star Wars logo appeared, and my excitement kicked up another notch. It was like awaiting the birth of my first child, only a thousand times better. I touched the twin Leia-style hair buns I had braided on each side of my head. I found myself literally sitting on the edge of my seat, and the intro wasn't even over yet! Then, those word things that float through space appeared, and like always, I just fast-forwarded through those. Camera pans up to show scattered spaceships heading towards a large planet, and- The remote control smashed against the TV screen with a sharp *pop* that made Carrie jerk in shock. I stood and shouted at the television. "This is fuckin' bullshit! Spaceships don't make noise in space!" "What?" asked my confused wife. "Space is a total vacuum, and you can't have noise in a vacuum. This is fuckin' BULLSHIT!!!" "John," she pleaded, "calm down. Every Star Wars movie starts out like this. George Lucas uses what's called 'suspension of disbelief.' It's where the viewer forgives inaccuracies for the sake of enjoying the-" "Fuckin' BULLSHIT is what it is! Spaceships don't make noise in space. It's impossible, and I don't appreciate him thinking I'm stupid! If I were to punch you in the face while we were floating around in space, and you opened up your mouth to scream, you know what would happen?" "John, please. Please just sit down and wat-" "Nothing, that's what! Because spaceships don't make noise in space! Why ruin a perfectly good movie by putting something stupid in there like noisy spaceships in a total noiseless environment like space? It's a simple matter of mathematics. Space plus noise equals don't happen." "Every single Star Wars has spaceships making noise in space, John. It's not like-" "Then why haven't I noticed it before, harlot? Tell me that. I think I'd notice something as obvious as spaceships shootin' out noise all over a no-noise zone like space! You see, space is a vacuum..." "You never noticed it because you always have 'The Humpty Dance' playing so you can giggle and pretend the music is coming from the cockpit stereos of the ships. You even bring headphones into the theater. This is why I hate watching movies with you." "It's BULLSHIT! And I won't stand for it anymore. If they're gonna treat us like we're morons, then I'm putting on 'The Humpty Dance.'" "I'm going to bed. I don't have the patience for this tonight." "Your boobies better have some patience! Because later tonight I'm gonna be Boobie Fett, intergalactic Boobie Hunter!" "Whatever." I'd have to say that, overall, this movie was a hellish shitstorm of suck. Of course, there were a few redeeming scenes, like when Anakin turned to Amidala and said, "I'm a freak. I like the girls with the booms. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom." Or when Yoda tells his young students, "Yeah, I called ya fat. Look at me; I'm skinny. That never stopped me from gettin' busy." But moments like these are few and far between. I never thought I'd do this, but I'm going to have to give the Star Wars: Attack of the Clones DVD the same rating as the suck-ass theatrical release. Our lowest rating: One star. * 
Posted by vd.nash@verizon.net 12.14.02 - 2:55 PM Subject: george ate the good parts Message: George Lucas is too fat to make a good movie. if he can't make himself look good how can he make a movie look good? I don't even want to talk about this turd. Has anybody seen Chamber of Secrets yet? when's the next chapter of your fanfic coming, mohair? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by mohair 12.14.02 - 3:12 PM Subject: HP fanfic cont. from eyes wide shut forum: Message: Here's the next bit of HP fanfic from yours truly! Hope you like it! Part 6: Snape walked down the hall. He had not seen him. Harry Potter turned to Hermione sitting across the room, and knew it was time for him to tap that ass. He let his robe fall open revealing his manhood rock hard. "Whats that?" asked Hermione. She was pointing at his pants and Harry looked down and saw it was cock sticking out of his pants. He was ashamed because his tool was only nine inches long he pulled out his wand. "Jonnus Holmesus!" Harry's pecker grew to twice its original size. Hermione's face lit up with anticipation. Suddenly, a sound burst in from behind them. "Ron!!" Harry and Hermione turned to the door, where Ron Weasley was standing. Harry was afraid Ron would be angry but he just stood there. Ron and Harry were curious teenage boys and had often wrestled naked in their dorm room. Ron walked toward them, but his robe caught on a nail and it tore away and he was completely naked. He made no effort to cover himself. Harry knew what was coming. Many of the other Hogwarts students had had threesomes and he always felt left out when they told their stories. Harry knew that today he would become a man. Harry's owl, Hedwig, flew in and perched on Harry's erect penis. Harry laughed. "Hedwig, you can't just come and perch on my penis!" Hedwig flew away. (message cropped for length) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by JOJO 12.14.02 - 3:43 PM Subject: mohair rulez!!!! Message: wongs forum wont let long messages pleaz continue!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by johntaylor412@aol.com 12.14.02 - 4:02 PM Subject: yes!!! Message: you are such a good writer! could you get your story published? post the rest i want to know how it turns out!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by mohair 12.14.02 - 4:22 PM Subject: part 6 part 2 Message: WTF???!? I got an error message. anyway: Ron's sister, Ginny, walked into the room. She was also naked. Her enormous breasts blew in the wind. Ron looked down at his penis. He needed no magic to make it long because it was already seventeen inches long. He walked over to where Hermione was tied to the bed. He pulled a bullwhip out of his pocket and a (edited for content by webmaster) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by cremecorn 12.14.02 - 4:38 PM Subject: ARRRGGHHHH!!! Message: dammit wong leave us alone! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!1 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by mohair 12.14.02 - 5:05 PM Subject: censorship Message: oh well. you can read the rest at http://www.slashfic.com/potter/4521_f.php ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by fartre 12.14.02 - 5:18 PM Subject: censorship is right Message: I see that forum members are no longer subject to the rules of common sense or inteligent discorse, but to the mood of David Wong. Reminds me somewhat of Joe Stalin, exept the Checka in this case is Wong's mouse finger. I had a feeling the forum would degrade to this. It is a shame really. Now I know what it's like to live in China. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by dobbie 12.14.02 - 6:03 PM Subject: DAMMIT Message: that was the best one yet, too. i think mohairs stories are better than the original books. UR a great writer!!!! keep it up!! i wonder how it ended? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Posted by neo 12.14.02 - 6:14 PM Subject: picking up the banner Message: I bet they had sex. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- 
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