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The 10 Best Sci-Fi Films Never Made

By David Wong
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So the news came out that the Half Life movie directed by Quentin Tarantino is destined to join the list of the greatest science fiction movies that were never actually filmed. It has damned good company ...

#10.
The "Real" Alien 3

The most excited I've ever been about a movie was the moment I saw the first Alien 3 "teaser" trailer in 1991 (Teasers are shot well before the movie itself is finished filming.). It's the one that promised the aliens were coming to freaking Earth.

No, I didn't dream it. They really did show that trailer (they even have a copy of it HERE), having sent it to theaters before they had even started production on the movie.

Visions of awesomeness flashed through my head, a Blade Runner-ish Earth with sprawling, filthy buildings, huge, flashing billboards with giant Asian women on them, eat-up flying cars whooshing by and steam always rising from the streets for some reason. Then, the aliens start breeding in the sewers until the creatures come boiling up out of manholes by the hundreds, to be cut to pieces by Marines with pulse rifles and maybe in the climax, the Army has to nuke the city ...

"This movie can't possibly not be awesome!" I said to my little friend John at the time. "This is gonna make Aliens look like ET! I hope it's directed by the guy who will in the future direct Fight Club!"

A year and 30 fucking screenplays later (including this rejected script by William Gibson), they came up with the movie that killed the franchise, then squatted over the face of the corpse and farted.

They had stumbled through concept after concept, built sets, torn them down, filmed scenes, thrown them away, fired directors and fired crew. When Sigourney Weaver held out for more money, they wrote scripts without her, when she came back, they did rewrites to cram her back into the story. Very late in the game, they brought in a young director named David Fincher--whose only experience was with Madonna videos--to start shooting after most of the budget had already been scattered to the wind like parade confetti.

What squeezed out the other end of the development's digestive tract was a movie that, just seconds in, meaninglessly kills off the three characters Ripley spent the last film saving. The hundreds of aliens were replaced with one small alien dog.

The vast, futuristic landscape was replaced by one dim, dirty building. The frantic gunfights were replaced by scenes of identical, bald cast members staring quietly at the wall. The main character commits suicide at the end.

So what happened?
Budget, mostly. My Alien 3 would have cost twice what Aliens did, with its sprawling sets and swarms of animatronic creatures (remember CGI effects were new and still very expensive in 1991). At the end of all that I'd have an R-rated sci-fi film with almost no chance of making back its budget (Aliens only made about $85 million, $150 million if you adjust for inflation).

So, they settled for this stripped-down version on a budget of $50 million, filmed in an abandoned lead factory. Then, they watched as fanboys like me piled into the theater on opening day anyway.

This is why they're rich film executives, and I live in my car.

There was a movie recently that perfectly captured the Douglas Adams experience, the combination of bitter, droll British wit and whale-exploding slapstick that made his novels great. That movie was Shaun of the Dead.

That movie was not, unfortunately, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, a film that floated around Hollywood for about 20 years before it finally appeared in theaters as a flat, lifeless, Americanized lump that was mostly hated by people who liked the book and loathed by people who hated the book.

Why? It wasn't funny. Forget the plot elements left out--you can't squeeze an entire novel into a 120-page screenplay. We'd have forgiven all of that if the movie had made us laugh. But, you knew from the opening musical sequence with the dolphins that things had gone awry. The type of person who would find the singing animals hilarious is not the type who would be on board with Adams' relentless, dark humor.

So what happened?
Comedy is hard. Really freaking hard. I know, I tried it, once. And, in a movie there are 1,000 little things that can ruin it--facial expressions, bad timing, the wrong edit. It takes an expert to do it right. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, meanwhile, was directed by a man (Garth Jennings) who had never previously directed a movie. Or, a TV show. Or, anything having sets or actors reading lines. He had no connection to anything having to do with comedy anywhere on his resume.

Hitchhiker's would have been a tall order for anybody, since most of the comedy was in the narrative language and descriptions, two things that don't come across on film.

No, this project needed a sharp eye, not somebody who would have Mos Def stiffly parroting passages from the book. It needed someone who would take the Douglas Adams attitude and run with it and take the movie we were expecting and give us something 10 times as insane.

Tim Burton maybe could have done it (though I wouldn't have thought so until Willy Wonka), and Terry Gilliam as well. But from the budget of the movie, I'm guessing they couldn't afford either one of those guys.

Me, I would have settled for Shaun of the Dead's Edgar Wright. Hell, he was even on set (playing a bit role as one of Deep Thought's technicians). They should have grabbed him and sat him in the director's chair. At least he had a TV show on his resume.


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123 Comments

Thanks David, I always wondered why the Matrix sequels sucked so much. It's the same thing that happened with Kill Bill. The studio gets the idea that a movie is long so why not split it into two? That logic works with Chico sticks, but not stories. Good article man.

Posted on 5/3/2008 12:05:38 AM

I liked the hitchhicker guide to the galaxy movie, obviously not as much as i liked the novels but i liked it anyways, and i know alot ot ppl who did liked it, i guess it wasnt gread on USA but on other coutries it was great, like that movie about explosions on a tunnel with ppl trapped in it with lots of fire

Posted on 4/20/2008 8:04:27 PM

Hitchhikers was a huge letdown. I tried hard to convince my husband that douglas adams was funny before we saw the movie.

Posted on 4/13/2008 9:29:53 AM

bullshit..that's your opinion..do a search on google.

Posted on 4/3/2008 9:03:10 AM

khaosky

dungeons and dragons was made, with billy from the new adventures of superman. and how long has that been around? movie was as good as you think it is.

Posted on 3/23/2008 12:56:34 PM

cheyenne

hitchhikers guide was the most retarted movies of all time

Posted on 3/14/2008 9:05:31 AM

melody

i love sci fi

Posted on 3/14/2008 9:04:17 AM

Starcraft

I'm a Blizzard fanatic and I can tell you the only way there will ever be a good Starcraft movie. 1) If Blizzard controls it. Not writes it and releases it to some studio. Hollywood must not be involved. At all. 100% Blizzard. 2) if Blizzard takes their dear sweet fucking time like they do with everything to make the motherfucker perfect. 3) If there are no big name actors at all. 4) The CGI will take a fuckton of money. Only Blizzard will be willing to put the money into the movie that it needs. So, in essence it will never be done. I personally don't care. Give me Starcraft 2 and I'll be happy. Hey, guess what Blizzard is making RIGHT NOW! Also: To all the people talking about Starcraft and Starship Troopers. I don't work for Blizzard, I don't know what the development for the original game was like, but Starcraft took exactly 3 ideas from Starship Troopers: Space Marines, "Bugs" (Zerg), and "Skinnies" (Protoss). They then took those things in a radically new direction that is simply amazing. There was no Kerrigan in Starship Troopers, there were no Dark Templar, there were no Zerglings, there were no thick southern hicky accents that make the Terrans hilarious (If you haven't, click on one of the characters with a voice actor. A Vulture, a Seige Tank, a Dragoon. Keep clicking. Keep clicking. Listen. Hear that? That's comic gold.) My points: Starcraft the movie will and should never happen unless Blizzard does it, and they make games, not movies, and Starship Troopers was an influence, but Starcraft took the three races and made them infinitely better, with deep, engrossing storylines and characters that Robert Heinlein never dreamed of.

Posted on 3/12/2008 8:47:16 PM

me

Well you guys can chill about the Starcraft movie. I tell you it will be made. But first we will have a Warcraft movie(and IIRC it has already been confirmed). I'm guessing that a Starcraft movie will depend on the sucess of the Warcraft one. But take this as a friendly warning : unless someone can actualy breed orcs/zerg/protss and build all the robots in starcraft, then both movies will be filled with CGI. On the subject of why they warent made until know, i'l just take a guess and say that they waited for Starcraft 2 to come out and to finaly close the 3d chapter of the Warcraft story(with the new WoW expansion).

Posted on 3/9/2008 11:00:56 AM

And maybe James Cameron was the Michael Bay of the 80s. If that's true, let's all go back to the 80s and stay there. In that topsy-turvy world that is the 1980s, their Michael Bay equivalent was one of the most fascinating, compelling and greatest filmmakers of all time.

Posted on 3/8/2008 12:27:08 PM

Yes, a lot of movies drew their influence from Starship Troopers, but only for the space-age military aspect of those films. I know this because there isn't anything else to the book, really. There are exactly two chapters and a prologue that discuss, in lengthy, boring technical detail, combat with "the Bugs". The rest of that book is nothing more than an in-depth moral and technical evaluation of military and citizenship- in general. Every three chapters or so it drops you a reminder that it's set in space. Apart from that, it's Full Metal Jacket, if Full Metal Jacket was less gritty, less psychologically compelling, less personal, and oh yeah, a manifesto for both a semi-fascist pseudo-Utopian state and why everyone should join the military. If you investigate, you'll find that "Starship Troopers" is on the mandatory reading the list for infinitely more government military groups than film crews. "Aliens" drew inspiration from it, but just the military part. Paul Verhoven said he tried reading the book but gave up. That's why the movie was almost good.

Posted on 3/8/2008 12:21:12 PM

KomradRed

Starcraft, Warhammer 40k, and almost every sci-fi universe ever devised were all heavily influenced by the 1956 Starship Troopers novel. Now, I love Warhammer and I love Starcraft, but to accuse Starcraft of ripping all its content from Warhammer is to deny the fact that Warhammer gets most of its inspiration from Starship Troopers and Dune. Warhammer is nice because it offers us a really fucked up future, a future that is basically a fantasy setting, but with guns. Warhammer has space orks, elves, and magice, but it also has Titans, Predator tanks, and the Intersetaller Imperium. Its a nice almagation of fantasy and Sci-fi. Starcraft, however, offers us its own unique universe. Instead of Warhammer's Byzantinish Imperium of Man, we have a bunch of squabbling human groups that are just trying to survive while being attacked by an absolutely freaky insectoid species and the Protoss, in my opinion the most badass aliens every concieved.

Posted on 3/5/2008 10:11:10 PM

love you

http://www.tvokay.com for free movies and tv shows... check it out, it's worth a bookmark

Posted on 3/3/2008 10:55:56 PM

kudos on your pick of Edgar Wright to direct Hitchhikers, but boo to your secondary pick of Tim Burton. Tim Burton couldn't make even a decent movie without a) Johnny Depp b) Danny Elfman c) a brilliant Stop Motion Animation team.

Posted on 3/3/2008 6:46:00 PM

snowmelter

as far as hhgttg goes, come on...how could anyone expect a movie to do justice to a book that was so full of dry humor that a nice chunk of american audiences would be left scratching their heads in confusion. The brits definitely have the corner on the market for dry humor...in case anyone hasn't noticed, americans like their slapstick. As for Ender's game...one of the least intellectual people I know recommended that book to me and I read it and loved it (even tho I thought a large percentage of the sequels sucked) but seriously...I agree with an earlier poster that the last half of the book is pretty much a kid playing a video game that isn't really a video game. Anyone ever seen The Last Starfighter? It's a cool idea for a book, but in the visual medium...I don't think so. I've sat around and watched my roomies playing video games. It's not exciting, or movie material. Well, maybe youtube video when their COD4 character gets whacked and they throw the controller and a tantrum at the same time.

Posted on 2/23/2008 11:05:44 PM

Eugene

I have to agree on the comment about HHGG. When I heard about a movie version of HHGG, I was torn. I loved the radio series and the books, and thought that the TV series was decent (specifically, the animation was brilliant, and the rest was OK, expecially considering the budget). The TV series was an indication that a visual version of the radio series was at least a possibility. The invention of CGI in the interim should have meant that the more challenging flights of fancy from the series would have been practical to realize. The last thing I would have expected was that whoever wrote the final version of the film would have chucked out most of the best part of it -- Adams' finely honed dialogue. Fortunately, I was forewared by an advance review, and saved my money. I ultimately got the movie out of the library for free, and it was worth exactly what I paid for it. Very sad. I think that a good movie of HHGG is possible, but I doubt I'll ever see it. Listen to the radio series instead.

Posted on 2/23/2008 8:12:49 PM

I like the movies and TV

watch full movies anime tv and cartoons at http://www.tvokay.com it is free for you to stream and download......check it out

Posted on 2/22/2008 6:47:21 PM

the man

Ummm, because Starship Troopers WAS made... and I'm painfully aware of this fact.

Posted on 2/19/2008 8:03:21 PM

DAVIZ0

HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE STARSHIP TROOPERS IN THE LST

Posted on 2/16/2008 3:58:07 AM

Annibal

Er...you most definitely CAN have an opinion of the Hitchhiker's Guide movie without having read the book. There's that funny thing called the brain that allows thought, which typically takes place after experience. So, one can, I repeat, CAN have an opinion. Whether or not the opinion is one anyone should listen to is a different matter. Anyway, the movie was obnoxious on a level only Armageddon has been able to achieve, and I had happily forgotten it's existence before I read this...oh well, at least I laughed. A lot.

Posted on 2/12/2008 10:32:08 PM

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