Ah, the '80s. They gave us so much: Reagan, crack, AIDS, cocaine, Huey Lewis-the list goes on. But most importantly, the '80s gave us poorly designed cartoons that inspired us to become Dino-Riders, travel through the Spiral Zone or try and defy God's natural order and transform into a semi truck. To make sure we'd know exactly what to be angry at Michael Bay about, we went back to the cartoon to polish up on our Transformers chops. We were surprised to find that, just like dad, not all of the Transformers were as badass as we'd thought when we were younger. In fact, some of them were downright useless. Below is a rundown of the most pointless of them all.
Transforms into: A cassette player
Why is he useless?
Soundwave looks like he should be 100 percent badass, until you get to know him. He can read minds, intercept and block radio transmissions and is one of the strongest Transformers around; no easy task when all of your peers are enormous robots.
You stop liking/fearing/respecting Soundwave, however, when you realize that he uses all of his robot powers for the sole purpose of spying on his fellow Decepticons to detect mutiny. Seriously, he quietly hangs around his evil pals, waits for them to take issue with one of Megatron's orders and then records the shit out of it.
The other downside to Soundwave is that, when he's not out being a giant robo-narc, he's a motherfucking cassette player. We stopped needing a cassette player in like the early '90s. Can you even name a single person who owns a cassette tape anymore? If we want some tunes, we can just use the mp3 player on our niece's camera phone.
Did you hear that, Soundwave? Our 7-year-old niece's camera phone is a more impressive Transformer than you.
Transforms into: A "Cybertron" car
Why is he useless?
If the above insane Japanese animation is any indication, Wheelie's special robot powers lie in his ability to drink too much and pal around with young boys. We had a Transformer just like him at our old middle school. He was a janitor and he paid us in Yodels, because we were good at keeping secrets.
Don't think for a second that Wheelie's only job is to get out-drunk by a 10-year-old boy, though. He also speaks in rhyme! So ... there's that.