The 7 Most Useless Transformers Ever
Ah, the '80s. They gave us so much: Reagan, crack, AIDS, cocaine, Huey Lewis-the list goes on. But most importantly, the '80s gave us poorly designed cartoons that inspired us to become Dino-Riders, travel through the Spiral Zone or try and defy God's natural order and transform into a semi truck. To make sure we'd know exactly what to be angry at Michael Bay about, we went back to the cartoon to polish up on our Transformers chops. We were surprised to find that, just like dad, not all of the Transformers were as badass as we'd thought when we were younger. In fact, some of them were downright useless. Below is a rundown of the most pointless of them all.
#7.
Soundwave
Transforms into: A cassette player
Why is he useless?
Soundwave looks like he should be 100 percent badass, until you get to know him. He can read minds, intercept and block radio transmissions and is one of the strongest Transformers around; no easy task when all of your peers are enormous robots.
You stop liking/fearing/respecting Soundwave, however, when you realize that he uses all of his robot powers for the sole purpose of spying on his fellow Decepticons to detect mutiny. Seriously, he quietly hangs around his evil pals, waits for them to take issue with one of Megatron's orders and then records the shit out of it.
The other downside to Soundwave is that, when he's not out being a giant robo-narc, he's a motherfucking cassette player. We stopped needing a cassette player in like the early '90s. Can you even name a single person who owns a cassette tape anymore? If we want some tunes, we can just use the mp3 player on our niece's camera phone.
Did you hear that, Soundwave? Our 7-year-old niece's camera phone is a more impressive Transformer than you.
#6.
Wheelie
Transforms into: A "Cybertron" car
Why is he useless?
If the above insane Japanese animation is any indication, Wheelie's special robot powers lie in his ability to drink too much and pal around with young boys. We had a Transformer just like him at our old middle school. He was a janitor and he paid us in Yodels, because we were good at keeping secrets.
Don't think for a second that Wheelie's only job is to get out-drunk by a 10-year-old boy, though. He also speaks in rhyme! So ... there's that.
uh #1 is an insectacon . and you got two different insectacons. the top is a wasp(i think) and the other is the beetle. they came out about the same time as the dino-bots did if i remember right
ReplyTch! Of course Computron's motto is whatever-it-is. He's a ROBOT. They talk about data all the time, they like it cos it's so robotic. Didn't you have a TV in the 80s?
ReplyHey I had Perceptor and he was pretty cool! When in robot form the microscope turned into a shoulder cannon and he could look at things that were really small and...and...fuck I can't do this. You're right he was pretty lame.
ReplyUm, Nightbeat is incognito BECAUSE he's a car. Hello?
ReplyAlso, I'm not sure Repugnus even belongs on this list. Just because nobody can figure out exactly what he turns into, that doesn't make him useless. In fact, if I remember correctly, he was supposed to be totally badass, just like the other Monsterbots (the sub-group he was a member of).
Soundwave is awesome because he only makes sense in the 1980s, and is therefore spared the fate of becoming a partially digested corn kernel in the festering stool of Michael Bay like so many other fallen comrades.
ReplyRepugnus looks like a bug, and not a cool one like the Insecticons.
ReplyI would like to point out that the alternate form for Repugnus appears to actually be a recolor of Buzzclaw from the Beast Wars Fuzors line.
ReplyExcept Beast Wars didn't exist back then.
Soundwave was my fav tranny from the 80's, Cracked can SUCK IT!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSW f*****g RULZ!!!
P.S. ,Michael Bay should burn in hell for turning cool transformers into stupid looking crapo-junk-bots (can't tell one from the other by looking at them) who jump around like spazztic crackheads when they're not just standing around in the friggin background while Shia La'pue or whatever his name is acts like a spazztic friggin crackhead through all three movies!!
P.P.S. , Yes I know I said "tranny" :)
you said suck it and tranny in the same sentence. lol @ outting yourself. SW sucks. GO-BOTS RULE. infidel.
As a kid I traded my origional Megatron for a handful of Go-Bots.... D'OH!!!
What the hell was I thinking???
What a digital dummy!
I know, comedy, but Soundwave was badass, had a kickass voice and also controlled minions, each with abilities of their own.
ReplyAstrotrain would be pointless if the train he transformed in did need tracks. Which it didn't.
Nightbeat was a Porsche (959 I think), not a Honda...I have the toy .and he had these three ridiculous mounted guns. One on the roof and two on either side of the hood. He was also a Headmaster but I don't remember what the little guy was called.
ReplyActually they have Soundwave MP3 players
ReplyWait, I'm confused about Soundwave and the Microscope guy; if they were giant robots like the rest of the Transformers, wouldn't they also be a massive cassette player and microscope? Or were they ordinary sized in their machine form and comically tiny in their robot form?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesShush!!!! You keep your logic to yourself
Same goes for Megatron. He conveniently changed into a handheld pistol, usually for Starscream. Physics be damned, I guess.
It was never explained in the plot, but Transformers were capable of size change in their transformed state. Blaster and Soundwave would both turn into gigantic tape decks when they were at base, but normal ones when they were spying on humans. Megatron could be a gun big enough to wield by another decepticon, but also sized for a human if he needed. The insecticons were huge bugs when they needed to wreck shit, but small when they needed to...yes, mind-control people.
Not saying it isn't dumb ("extra-dimensional matter shunting" is the explanation I like) but it is what it is.
At least one thing Bey did was make the size problem more believable (i.e. the gigantic room filling cube transformed at Bumblees touch to a small one that could easily be carried by Sam.)
Turning into a cassette wasn't useless in the era in which Soundwave was created. That's like saying a saddle in 1880 was useless because of cars. "What's this a*****e doing buying a saddle? Doesn't he know that in 40 years after an industrialist in Michigan produces the Model T, cars will be everywhere?"
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIn the 1880's a German called Carl Benz had already applied for the patent to the motor car, 40 years before Ford. Various forms of steam- and motor-powered transport had been used since the 1870's in Europe so over here, yeah, a saddle would be pretty outdated.
All right nit-picker, just because his date might be wrong doesn't mean his explanation is invalid. Let's try another one: turning into a rotary phone in 1975 would make sense, but not in 2011. Happy?
Because applying for a patent means the road is filled with cars.
To an idiot anyways.
Soundwave should not be on this list. He was probably the successful Decepticons having infiltrated the Ark at least once an episode. Hell he once even ended up in Ironhides boot without the Autobot knowing. That is not a failure
ReplyI can understand why you would call Perceptor a useless Autobot, since he can't really fight. However he did make the dinobots. That on its' own should make him the best transformer ever. Fuckin' Grimlock - the dude made Grimlock!
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesActually, that was Wheeljack.
Perceptor had nothing to do with the Dinobots, in the cartoon they were built by wheeljack and in the comic they were the autobot black ops team.
I don't remember Perceptor even being around when the Dinobots were created.
Do those two racist twins from the ROTF film count?
ReplySoundwave was cool simply for that awesome voice he had.
ReplySoundwave was badass!!! Shut yo mouf fool! Back in the day, that cassette player was top technology. (That apparently futuristic robotic aliens ALSO thought was top technology - but then again, they WERE trying to blend into 80's Earth and not be noticed.)
ReplyBesides, Soundwave has hipster cred: retro '80s _and_ outdated tech to be used ironically.
The cool thing about Soundwave was that he could push his eject button and launch out a cassette that turned into a mini-transformer. One was a little guy, one was a pterodactyl, and I can't remember the other thing.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI think it was a jaguar
Please stop, both of you. They were Laserbeak, Rumble, Ravage, Frenzy (and sometimes Ratbat).
Also Buzzsaw, lazerbeaks different coloured twin.
Also Buzzsaw, Slugfest, Overkill, Squawktalk, and Beastbox
Analog recording technology is more durable than digital. Soundwave's snitchin' will endure to annoy the decepticons for years to come. I think having your tape turn into a pterodactyl might void the warranty somewhat though
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesExcept that magnetic tape is one of the least durable media of all.
Is it live or is it Memor-aAAAAAAAAH!
When that media is stored inside a hulking 30' robot, I fail to see how that truly matters.