The 7 Most Insane Moments from Cable Access TV

#1. The Merrill Howard Kalin Show

The Story: What would you do if you worked at a public access television station and a mentally retarded person walked in and said he wanted to do a cooking show? Would you let him do it? Would you help him out with it? Would you say no, fearing that he would be ridiculed? You know what? It doesn't matter, because someone in Palatine, Illinois said "whatever" and now Merrill is a television and internet sensation, worshipped by literally tens of people around the world. The Merrill Howard Kalin show will teach you how to make salad, jello molds, chicken, and stuffing. It was also teach you how to fuck up every single one of those dishes, how to get salmonella, and how to do impersonations of everyone from Raquel Welch to Porky Pig... poorly.

Why It Rules: This video is the holy grail brain bomb of public access television. So much so that you need to watch it all in complete silence, possibly more than once, to really pick up on every subtle and bizarre nuance. It could use a commentary track, really. Every dish he tries to make is a disaster, every prep technique he uses is either wrong or flat-out dangerous, and then, just when the ship really starts sinking, he starts in with the impersonations. You can rationalize laughing at this video by saying you're laughing WITH him, but remember: no matter how you justify it, if you laugh at this video you are going to hell.

Ross Wolinsky writes occasionally at Hypocritical Mass, but usually he just lazily posts links to stupid shit he finds on the internet.

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