All the major networks (and The CW) unveiled their new fall schedules last week at events known to industry types as the "upfronts." Generally these events are ways for people in the industry to annually hook up and go on day-long benders, but a few insiders will tell you that they also have to do with... advertising rates? Something stupid like that.
Nearly every year, in between all the drinking and fucking, executives usually find a few minutes to talk about the new shows coming to their networks this fall before they're canceled mid-season and replaced by another hour of Deal or No Deal. Here's the shitstorm the networks trotted out this year.
The Bionic Woman
In a move that is shockingly not a joke, the struggling peacock network has decided to bring back this 1970s show about a half-mechanical woman and her shockingly realistic android feathered hair. It's probably a safe bet to say it's been updated to be dark and sinister like the new Battlestar Galactica, but personally I would prefer to see a simple technology update, so that instead of space-age moon-boot gadgetry, she's entirely composed of telecommunications devices, so that we can finally see that old "hold on, I'm getting a fax" joke in a realistic context.
A newspaper reporter suddenly starts traveling through time and helping people. So basically it's Quantum Leap, but instead of helping set things right in the past, the main character just takes notes on things and keeps screaming, "What a scoop!"
A guy who works at a big-box electronics store opens an e-mail that downloads a whole database of government secrets into his brain. Seriously, that's the premise of the show. Stay tuned for the second season, when he gets a disk full of U.N. Ambassadors' home phone numbers stuck in his rectum!
A cop who was falsely imprisoned for years returns to the force with a whole different outlook. A true renegade, he rides around a motorcycle with his Native American sidekick and changes his name to Lorenzo Lamas.
The IT Crowd
It's hilarious hijinks for three IT guys in an office somewhere in America. Finally, audiences can get an extra half hour at home listening to guys sneering at people because they have to do their job and talking about how "actually, Gerard Christopher didn't play Superboy in the first season."
From the author of the book that inspired Sex and the City comes a show that isn't like Sex and the City at all because this one only has three upper-class female main characters and Brooke Shields instead of Sarah Jessica Parker. Completely different.
The Singing Bee
A game show in which contestants will have to accurately sing the lyrics of popular songs. So unfortunately this isn't going to start a trend of shows about anthropomorphic animals doing human jobs like I had hoped. So no pipe-fitting bears. At least not yet.
American Idol black guy Randy Jackson hosts a dance competition
show. Maybe he'll call somebody "dawg!" Wouldn't that be something?
all the hospitals where your favorite Heroes characters were
born! You'll never guess where Hiro's mom gave birth to him! Here's a
hint: It's in Japan!
So wait, you want to make a half-hour show with a season of at least 13 episodes out of those cavemen from the Geico commercials? How can that go wrong?!? And just in case anyone was wondering, I'm going to reveal the premise behind every joke you'll ever see on the show: "See? It's because they're cavemen."
Sam I Am
In the touching television adaptation of the Sean Penn movie of the same name, a retarded guy does things that are really discomforting and make you feel bad. No, I'm just kidding, it's actually a show starring the daughter from Married...With Children that no one's going to watch.
Four guys at different stages in their life ride together to work. Imagine the intense drama of Kevin wondering what kind of donut Jeff is eating. Or if Tim, the driver, is jealous of Hank, who's catching a couple Z's in the back seat. Shit, why did Hank drink all that coffee? Will they ever get out of this traffic jam?!?! Tuesday nights on ABC!
detective discovers that he can touch people and bring them back from
the dead. Which throws his recent necrophilia kick straight to hell, let
me tell you.
Some woman who was on Grey's Anatomy stars in a spinoff of Grey's Anatomy - because nothing makes for better TV than people who are supposed to be spending their day saving lives instead gossiping and giggling like middle schoolers. And now it's taking place in a different city!
Dirty Sexy Money
In the most avant garde new show of the season, ABC devotes an entire hour of airtime a week to nothing but artfully composed shots of 100-dollar bills that have been dropped in a mud puddle and have stick-figure naked women drawn on them. Critics are expected to love it.
dudes are all, like, really rich and head companies or something. Look,
it's a show about douche bags, so watch it if you're into that sort of
Women's Murder Club
known as "marriage." Am I right, fellas? Huh?