Sincere Answers to Common Spam Mail

Every day I open my e-mail inbox in the hopes that a big-breasted Eastern European woman between the ages of 18 and 24 has discovered that she's in love with humor bloggers who go by their initials or that a relative of mine who I never knew about died and left me millions of dollars.

Instead, I generally get a whole bunch of mail from big-breasted Eastern European women who want to sell me penis enlargement cream and Nigerian princes who want to give me millions of dollars if I just sent them 50 grand. Which is almost as good. But the problem is I get thousands and thousands of them, and every time I try to respond all I usually get is more messages with the same offers.

So here, I answer six, in the hopes that I'll be inundated with money and penis cream immediately.

First off, name's Matt, not Helmuth. A common mistake, considering the obvious similarities in spelling and pronunciation.

Secondly, your name's Nastena? For serious? Sure it's not Grosabeth? Or Disgusandy? Maybe Revoltingnancy?

I shouldn't be so mean to only half a woman, though. Where is your "second half," anyway? It's in Pittsburgh, isn't it? Is it Pittsburgh? Yeah, I wouldn't go there to get my torso either.

Anyway, to answer your questions, no, I'm not looking for a wife (or half of one, in your case) to create a happy family with. I'm finding life without a soulmate to be more taupe and marginally tolerable than grey and unhappy. And I can live with that.

Well, you know, I do what I can. You know, sometimes I just sit around and think to myself, hey, what's up with my mortgage rate? I mean, my mortgage and my home is so important to my life"¦

Hey! Wait a second!

I am an internet humorist! I don't have a mortgage! I don't even have money!

I've got my fuckin' eye on you, buddy. Watch yourself. I bet your quotes are loaded with hassle. That's how much I don't trust you now.

You might just have a point there, youko, but consider this: If they re-made Weekend at Bernie's with a real-live dead guy, how would they get him to dance?

How?!?!

Also, you can't mess with a classic, no matter how much red and pink text you use or how many musical notes you end your e-mails with.

Okay, pastafina, but how much will this cost me?

I kid.

But seriously, would you advertise any service, business or skill for free? You mean you wouldn't charge if my talent was being able to eat a whole sleeve of Ritz crackers in under a minute? Or my skill was being able to jack off a muskrat to orgasm? Or my business was somehow doing both at the same time?

What if my social/neighborhood event had something to do with burning Sandra Bullock in effigy? How many Sandra Bullocks would I be allowed to burn? Could I throw in some Keanus for good measure?

What if my service was making fun of your e-mails? I bet you'd charge for that.

And an additional question: If I decide to use the word "free" in my ad, would it have to be in all caps?

Oh man, that's a lot of questions, CBS (or NBC, it's hard to tell). Better take these one at a time.

Why does Opra Winfrey endorse/promote this product?

I don't know, why does she? Oh, this sounds like a good one!

Why does 60 minutes say there are no side effects at all?

I don't know! Tell me!

Why does CBS think it's the best solution out there ever?

Haha, I'm laughing already! Why?

Why? Isn't it time you got the answers and made the jump to a new healthy life you deserve? You can & you will with a simple all-natural pill. Read all about it on this website.

Hm.

That is, without a doubt, the worst punchline after three set-up questions I have ever heard. And I've watched Two and a Half Men .

Oh snap, CBS!

Agggh! Jesus God!

What the hell is that? Just"¦gaaagh! How does it even talk?

Whatever it is, I don't want to cuddle with it. Just get it out of my goddamn sight.

If having to look at that is the result of having a gigantic penis, we'll stick with our happy nub, thank you very much.

Christing! That shit is going to haunt my fucking dreams! You're an asshole, Private Messaging Service!

_____

If you turn Matt Wilson's initials upside down and then reverse them, you get the letters that make up the title of The MW Blog . If you'd like to send him some spam, which he so loves to receive, do so here .