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Criminal Athlete Fantasy Draft Guide

Nowadays, fantasy sports are as American as apple pie. Fantasy football, basketball, baseball and even NASCAR are mainstays of Americana. We here at CRACKED love ‘em too. We love ‘em so much that we started our own fantasy league, one that honors that time-honored tradition of the American athlete: getting into trouble and breaking the law. We call it the Criminal Athlete Fantasy League and here’s our draft guide for this season.

The Top Picks



If you were lucky enough to get the top pick in your criminal athlete fantasy draft, it is almost impossible to pass up Darryl Strawberry. The most consistent and prolific criminal athlete in modern history, Strawberry is a five-tool crook, able to put up points in all the major stat categories: illegitimate children, domestic abuse, serious drug and alcohol problems, tax evasion, multiple prison terms and suspensions from his sport.

One of his best seasons was in 2001, when he faked his own kidnapping to try to get a $50,000 ransom, claiming he had been “pistol-whipped” while in captivity. Straw also got tossed out of a drug treatment center for having sex with a resident and trading baseballs for cigarettes. There should be some concern for his endurance in a keeper league though. In 2001, he told a judge he lost the will to live. “Life hasn’t been worth living for me, that’s the honest truth…I am not afraid of death.”

 

Mike Tyson should also be at the top of your draft board. Since his 1992 conviction on rape charges that earned him three years in the can, Iron Mike has continued to put up the stats of a top psychopath. His notable accomplishments and accusations include biting Evander Holyfield’s ear off, biting Lennox Lewis’ leg during a press conference scuffle, testing positive for marijuana, lobbing glass Christmas ornaments at journalists in a Havana hotel, brawling outside a Brooklyn hotel, assaulting a topless dancer, and declaring bankruptcy.

“I just want them to keep bringing guys on and I’m going to strip them of their health,” Tyson once declared. “I bring pain, a lot of pain…I’m on the Zoloft to keep me from killing y’all.” When Iron Mike finally does kill someone—and it’s only a matter of time—you’ll want him earning those kill points for your fantasy squad.

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