What Your Favorite Drink Says About You
Like your clothes, your job, or your strict adherence to Megan's Law, the cocktail you order at your local bar/restaurant/key party tells people a great deal about your personality. "What does it say, exactly?" you're probably wondering. Nothing good, we promise you. Use this handy guide to determine what kind of message you want your drink order to send to that overweight, sexless Target employee you're hoping to bump uglies with tonight. And remember, kids: Drink as much as you can, as fast as you can. (This message brought to you by the staff at CRACKED.)
COSMOPOLITAN
Probable Hobby:
Looking at yourself in the mirror for long periods of time, then going directly back to the gym.
What Your Drink Says:
"I'm totally just out with my girlfriends right now, totally just dancing and having fun, but tomorrow, I will totally weep quietly at brunch through my Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses as I repeat the phrase, 'so cute' as may times as I can."
PINA COLADA
Probable Hobby:
Playing Jimmy Buffet tapes at a reasonable volume on your back porch in the suburbs.
What Your Drink Says:
"Why, yes, I did get these jeans at Wal-Mart."
SEX ON THE BEACH
Probable Hobby:
Very literally, having sex on beaches.
What Your Drink Says:
"I am [between the ages of 18 and 20/40 and 45], and I order drinks with provocative names because I haven't experienced sex [ever/in a while]. I am under the mistaken belief that potential sexual partners will [be turned on/take pity on me] upon hearing the word 'sex' in conjunction with my drink order. I am [very/extremely/mind bogglingly] lonely."
MARTINI
Probable Hobby:
Standing next to German cars that aren't yours, having fake cell phone conversations about the strength of your nonexistent portfolio, and carrying around a tennis racket you have no intention of ever using on a court.
What Your Drink Says:
"Ah, yes. Gore Vidal. The Masters. Mercedes-Benz. Ha, ha! What's that, old chap? How dare you accuse me of stringing together random words associated with the upper class? I went to Yale School, you rapscallion!"
APPLETINI
Probable Hobby:
You may be employed at Applebee's, but you also enjoy hanging out there with your other single, high school-educated friends in their mid-30s after your shift's over.
What Your Drink Says:
"I don't actually like drinking, I just like the idea of drinking. Similar, in other words, to my feelings for that new guy I'm blowing."
WHITE WINE
Probable Hobby:
Buying important-looking books at Barnes & Noble, placing them on your bookshelf, never reading them.
What Your Drink Says:
"Not only do I think I'm better than you and therefore too good to drink anything other than this '98 Pinot at a crowded sports bar, but I would also prefer it if you and your $20 shirt would quietly eat your Jalapeño Poppers and return to the middle-class suburb from whence you came."
MARGARITA
Probable Hobby:
Attending outdoor summer concerts of ass-awful, washed-up bands like Van Halen and REO Speedwagon. Also, you wear jean shorts there.
What Your Drink Says:
"I don't have any issues with drinking during the day or experimenting with anal sex."
BLOODY MARY
Probable Hobby:
Drinking heavily as early in the morning as possible. Also, drinking cold soup out of a glass.
What Your Drink Says:
"I have trouble sitting through late breakfasts and early lunches with other people on account of my crippling dependence on alcohol. Luckily tomato juice-based drinks exist that allow me to get shitfaced as early in the morning as possible."
RUM & COKE
Probable Hobby:
Lifting weights and, more importantly, doing that "big arms" walk around the gym.
What Your Drink Says:
"I mean, I tried steroids back in college a few times, but now I'm more into cardio. Speaking of which, how about some oral with the Pec-Master [flexes]?"
MOJITO
Probable Hobby:
Despite being 100 percent Irish, you wear organic-chic clothing and talk frequently about world politics. Because, after all, you took a semester each of poli-sci and beginning Spanish at your mid-tier state university.
What Your Drink Says:
"I really feel that the Latina (pronounced La-thi-ah!) population has been underrepresented in Los Angeles (pronounced hah- Loth Ah-hey-leath!)."
LONG ISLAND ICED TEA
Probable Hobby:
Reckless behavior that endangers yourself and others, and is therefore hilarious. Like remember that time Smitty got all fucked up and drove Toddy's Pontiac around on the highway and shit, and you were like "Duder!" because you couldn't even believe it? Sick!
What Your Drink Says:
"So, wait-you're saying that my date-rape conviction is a turn-off? Come on, that was, like, four months ago. I'm real different now, baby. Hey, hey, hey-where do you think you're going in such a hurry?"
PBR CAN
Probable Hobby:
Looking for change in your couch, reading catalogs, using pay phones.
What Your Drink Says:
"My career is going exceptionally well. So well, if fact, that I've made the move from ramen noodles to spaghetti with butter. Can I offer you a handful of these unsalted generic-brand peanuts, m'lady?"
ANYTHING WITH GREY GOOSE
Probable Hobby:
Tip-frosting parties with your Men's Health-reading buddies from ab class, pointing at people with gun-hands while you dance to Justin Timberlake music, explaining why you totally didn't want to bang that skank anyway.
What Your Drink Says:
"My penis doesn't function correctly, and I believe, against all evidence available to me, that 50 Cent is a talented and versatile musical artist."
JAGER SHOT
Probable Hobby:
Punching people in the face.
What Your Drink Says :
"Man, I could really punch someone in the face right about now."
TAP WATER
Probable Hobby:
Going to the bar, getting so ass-faced that the mere sight of a beer will bring your dinner back with a vengeance. Also of note: you have a great deal of self-control when it comes to choosing sexual partners.
What Your Drink Says:
"Wait, wait, wait. I'm gonna puke. Seriously, I'm gonna fucking puke… [Unintelligible] … Ugh… hold on, hold on. Lemme talk. That girl/guy with the face rash is kinda hot."
Keystone Beer:
Reply"What do you mean you don't accept food stamps for beer?"
You can always judge a gal by her taste in tampons and the brand of mace she sprays in your face for asking in a bar.
ReplyWhen I was little my cousins had a bunch of jello shots in the refrigerator. I was having a sleep over. me and my little nine year old friend got shitfaced when we were NINE because we played a game of high stakes truth or dare and anyone who chickened out had to eat the nasty jello.
ReplyNo single malt whisky?
ReplyNo Guinness?
No Absinthe?
WHAT YOUR DRINKS SAY: "I'm so snotty and pretentious that my friends have to be shitfaced to tolerate the waves of pomposity that roll off me like stank rolls off the beach at low tide. That, and I never buy my own drinks."
Ha! My mom likes Rum&Coke. Suffice to say, the description doesn't exactly fit.
ReplyThe only alcohol I've tried is cherry wine but when I'm old enough to drink I'm gonna try everything on the list but the Bloody Mary, which looks kind of gross
ReplyI've had every one of these drinks. Not all at one time though.
ReplyI am now ashamed to leave the condo.
I only drink kumis. What does that say about me?
ReplyIt says you like to live in a yurt and conquer half of Asia
When I was little my Dad used to give me Hennessey when I had a toothache.
ReplyGift of God, that stuff.
Now excuse me while I have another 'toothache'.
I drink Gin, nothing with Gin is mentioned here.
ReplyMead
ReplyProbable Hobby: Going to ren fairs dressed as Frodo Baggins or Gandalf. LARPing. Living in your parents house.
What your drink says about you: I like to go to ren fairs dressed as Frodo Baggins or Gandalf. I enjoy LARPing. Also, I live in my parents house.
Not fair, these all analyze guys not girls! Sexist cracked. At least do two charts!
Reply11/14
Probable Hobby: You like to consider yourself to be a wild sexy and interesting, parties, gossiping about those who are equal a like and you are convinced that you are indeed the prettiest girl in the prom, most likely aren't a virgin, hitting guys in a bar in order to get free drinks, random emotinal break downs about small things.
What your drink says about you: you are feminine and innocent, and your eyes tell to buy you another drink so you can proceed to the next guy. And no, they don't really stand a chance, even if you make them feel like they would, but that's just because you want that drink.
Jager shot
Probable Hobbies: Ripping throats of your victims wide open with your teeth.
What your drink says about you: "Do you know what happened to the last guy who dared to try?"
no whisky? i'll just have to assume its the same as my other drink... white wine. now i'm off to find my golden tiara :P
Replyno vodka? I conclude then that vodka is awesome!
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesumm... Grey Goose...?
I conclude then that you've never drunk alcohol if you don't know that Grey Goose is vodka
Grey Goose should not be considered vodka due to its lack of body and flavor. It's alcohol for people who don't like the taste of alcohol
I'm a Jameson and Absolut girl. My older sister loves her some Hennessey. Where the christ do we stand?
ReplyDownwind, preferably.
the sick fires....THEY BURN.
What no scotch? Mmm scotch. Scotchy scotch scotch scotch.
ReplyProbable hobby: defending yourself from sexual harrassment lawsuits.
What your drink says: "I watch Mad Men and think that makes me a cultured individual. Now how 'bout whereing something a little more sexy to work tomorrow? Thanks, babe!"
I like Bloody Marys... but I hardly ever drink.
Replyas a bartender i've noticed that if someone asks for jager than i should 100% of the time ask for their id. cause jager say to me "Hi, I'm not 21 and even if i have an id, it is probably fake or not mine."
ReplyAs an ex-night club manager, who has done a little bar tending.... let me just say, "That I dig 'most' of your powers of personal drink observations."
ReplyHowever, your PINA COLADA reference is way off base. Actually, it was Rupert Holmes who sang about PINA COLADA's and it was Jimmy Buffet that sang about Margarita's. This matters to me because, I'm not only a big Jimmy Buffet fan, I'm also a Margarita fan as well. And, I've never attended a Van Halen or REO Speedwagon concert, in the outdoors, indoors, dressed in any type of long or short jeans. But, I do listen to Jimmy Buffet singing, "Wasting away in Margarita-ville", as I'm wasting away in Margarita-ville.(so you might want to re-edit your list?)
Also, you didn't include the type of people that drink tequila or vodka shots. Which, I understand, because it's pretty much the same people who drink Jager shots. But still, throw us a bone at least by just mentioning "Tequila Shots: See Jager Shots"
im certain this matters to someone somewhere
I'm the exception so this is automatically wrong
Not trying to be invasive or anything but nothing screams "I'm American!" than drinks list composed only from mixed drinks, and lacking pure wodka.
ReplyAnd in case You're wondering - Jager is NOT wodka.
Grey Goose is vodka. Enjoy your frosted tips party.
In case everyone is wondering, here we have another dumb kid who thinks he's tough because he drinks vodka cruisers