Top 6 Reasons Harry Potter Isn't For Kids
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Was it always like this, and we just didn't notice? Below, six reasons why the popular children's series has always had its dark side. #6.
Moaning Myrtle: Creepy and Depressing
Moaning Myrtle, a ghost who haunts the Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, is clearly meant to be adorable: She talks in cutesy baby-talk, wears big nerdy glasses and seems to harbor a quiet crush on our hero, Harry Potter. Aww. She's so adorable, in fact, that it's easy to forget that we're talking about the tormented specter of a child who's doomed to exclusively haunt middle school bathrooms. Assuming she's into it, you've got a pubescent dead voyeur watching school-age boys use the toilet. Assuming she's not, you've got a murdered child who's forced to hang out in a smelly-ass bathroom for all eternity. Either way, holy Hell, is that some dark shit. Children who read this book will probably have difficulty using public restrooms for the rest of their lives, forever looking over their shoulders while dropping deuces, fearful that they're being scrutinized by an underage poltergeist with a weird bathroom fetish. Thanks a lot, Rowling. We'll be sending you our psychiatrist bills. #5.
Harry Potter: Bad Role Model
Not to give too much away, but as the Harry Potter series progresses, Harry-our lovable Everyman protagonist-starts dating his best friend's sister. Granted, if our experiences were any judge, it's not like most of the douches you meet in college need J.K. Rowling's approval to start seeing your sister or girlfriend behind your back. Nonetheless, that's a little creepy. It's difficult to imagine wanting to help your best friend defeat Voldemort when you know he'll be celebrating afterwards by casting "Disapearro Clothesimo" on your sister. To her credit, Rowling tries to temper the example set by Harry by teaching us that your best friend's sister is almost always secretly possessed by some manner of dark lord. Still, we're pretty sure there are subtler ways of teaching children who to date than suggesting that a crush on their pal's kid sister involves getting roped into a creepy three-way with a noseless Ralph Fiennes. #4.
Quidditch: The Sport of Sinfulness
Quidditch is a dirty, filthy game that should not be viewed by anyone at all, let alone children. Let's start with the obvious: The game is played by having each player climb on top of a long wooden shaft. Then everyone rides their shafts around, trying to "beat off" the other shafts flying all over the place and chasing balls around the field. There's also something called the golden snatch-excuse us, "snitch." A few talented young boys try to find this special tiny thing, which is hard to find, but makes women squeal with delight when you grab it. What kind of author is J.K. Rowling that she'd try to convince impressionable children that the mythical G-spot actually exists? |
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Err, Auslander? Here in Australia we hear about the KKK ALL THE TIME. Even if you aren't American, a group of fanatical retards who like to burn things and incite racially-based violence is hard to ignore. The KKK is an internationally recognised symbol of intolerance.
So I'm thinking if Australians generally know and care about the KKK, and we are in the middle of nowhere, then the Brits probably have too. Particularly a writer who draws a lot of deliberate parallels to other racially intolerant groups and people. Voldemort and Hitler, for example. Or are you going to tell me she doesn't know or care about Hitler because he is German?
So that only accounts for half of that one section. So because she probably has never heard of the KKk, the similarities between Voldemort and Hitler are erased?
OK, I'll grant you, you may call me functionally retarded, but nevertheless. Rowling's a Brit. The KKK is American, and unlike WWII, pretty much no one outside America cares about it. To accept that any resemblance is intentional, you'd have to visit Mexican humor sites and start believing whatever retarded link an author might come up with regarding the name of the villain in the latest Hollywood summer blockbuster and the name of some infamous gang in Mexico City. After all, if you really think Brits are honestly paying attention to us that much, there's no rational reason to tell Jorge that he's ridiculous for intimating that Michael Bay is really up on Mexico City gang life.
Besides, "mudblood" and "mongrel" have the same first letter, and 2 syllables each. There the similarities end. It's like saying "catfish" and "cutthroat" are similar.
Other than that, though, all good points, in their own way . . . though they're referring to the movies, not the books, so I'm not really sure how the article is supposed to be relevant to them. For instance, in the books, it never says that "Moaning Myrtle" has an irritating giggle that sounds more like a dolphin that's inhaled helium and a voice that makes you want to start kicking the source of the horrible sounds until they stop. Yet somehow, that's what you end up with after . . . wait. Directed by the guy that directed "Home Alone"? Oh, OK, I get it. The director was clinically retarded. Nevermind, it all makes sense now.
Honestly, though, it didn't ruin the article for me, I dug it. But since the article was about 83% accurate and made it fun, the bullshit one sort of stood out a bit.
I'm like one of the biggest Harry Potter nerds out there (really no lie! Even a foreign country and the hospistal couldn't keep me from seeing and reading the book)but I still find this freakin' hilarious!
(almost) All of these reasons are why I'll never be ashamed of reading Harry Potter. Hooray, mature subject matter, mistaken for kids literature!
I would like to point out that JK Rowlings is the most sadistic human on the planet. She starts out with an orphan and then...
SPOILER ALERT!
Gives him a pet, grandfather figure, and godfather.
And then kills them all.
SPOILER ALERT!
That f*****g b***h.
:-)
Holy crap. Some people don't know how to take a joke. Kudos, Cracked.
Seriously if you guys haven't figured out that this site is largely parodies and satire...then you're too stupid to use to the internet.
I'm a HP fan too and even I think this article is pretty funny.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA at first when i read this i thought wow wtf and then i read the comments andd i started cracking up....
i saw all those comments of how overated this is and then i saw "this is a comedy site u know?"
i checked the top and it is comedy....haha u guys are all hilarious
gay
Hello, I'm back again, to continue to destroy this entire article.
In Reason #1 The (Bad) Parent Trap
You say that every child that doesn't have a good home life waits for the day that goblins come and take them away to a world where blah, blah, blah. If you read the books, you would realize that goblins do not take people in JKR's story, they run the bank.
Another thing, you ask why the Wizarding World lets Harry return every summer, and this I can awnser very easily, just as anyone who has read the series can tell you: Harry returns to his Aunt and Uncle's every summer because Dumbledore (your 'old grandfatherly figure) put an enchantment on him to protect him from your KKK/Hitler man named Voldemort. Lighten up will ya? It's fiction after all.
HAHA! I have been searching for a site that has such a closed-minded, rant against HP so that I would have a funny quote for my school project about banned books!
I couldn't have found a better example of people over reacting to a fictional story. Let me ask you one thing man, did you read the books? Moaning Myrtle was NOT supposed to be funny or cute, she is merely a bitter girl who's life was tragically cut short.
Thanks again!
waa waa. lighten up. it's only fiction, irreverent humor does not equal blasphemy. Some of you are gettin yerselves so riled up over this one might think the author was killing puppies whilst simultaneously pissing on a bible and burning a flag. Quirky british humor full of melodramatic magic teenagers caught up in an allegorical good vs. evil story of biblical proportions is sure to be silly enough we can make immature jokes about it when we arent busy exploring the philosopical and social subtext and blogging about how deep it really is.
This sort of doggmatic reverence for the books and the fits of hystrionics when others fail to take the books as seriously as you do; only serves to enhance the notion that that all fans of the series are just as nutty as a pack of klingon speaking trekkies. (in short its embarassing to the rest of the fans that would like to enjoy the work without being labled fruity whack jobs)
Maybe the only reason I feel that this is crap is because I am such a Harry Potter fan, but to me the only way that half of this can seem the way you make it seem is if you think of it in a perverted way. I mean, there was no premarital sex in any of the books involving Ginny and Harry, or any of the other characters. Also, Quidditch wasn't meant to seem perverted either. It was a GAME. The only way it should even seem that way is if you think of it like that.
Also, she may have taken things from history but she made it her own. Is that not what all writers do? They take things from their own experiences and world history and put them in writing. It's called research. It is something that almost everyone does.
No, this story isn't quite like what Disney puts out there. It's not the simplistic fairy tale where everything ends up being perfect. Why? Because the world isn't perfect. If she wrote the perfect ending for Harry it wouldn't have made any sense. This book is more of a preparation that any Disney stories.
Also, the whole Moaning Myrtle is a perverted old ghost who stalks young boys in the bathroom thing is going way to far. You're over thinking it. It was clear in the books that she wanted to be left alone. Not only that but was she not supposed to be in the girls bathroom? Remember book two when they made the potion in there because no one wanted to go in. Why? Because Myrtle liked being alone.
In conclusion, I would like to say that you should think before you post things like this. Also this site was meant for comedy not insulting books. If I have children one day I would be proud to let them read Harry Potter. It's much better than prissy fairy tales that lie and make life seem perfect when its really not. We are humans and all of us make bad decisions at times. Just like Harry. There have been people, like Hitler, who come and try to kill out a race just as Voldemort did, so why is it so horrible to write about something that could actually happen and has before? I would want my children to see that even when things go wrong and they make mistakes and fight against unbelievable odds, they might have a chance just as Harry did.
As for you, I am seriously hoping that you see the error in all of this. It's not right for someone to post things like this. None of that was meant to be taken that way and it just shows your ignorance and perversion when you posted this.
Goodbye.
Please see a psychologist. :]
fairy tales are only bright and happy if you think about disney-ish versions.
"Harry Potter is a better book than prissy fairytails that lies to them and tell them life's perfect, that someone can be pure"
uhm I think you are the stupid one Giles. Haven't you ever heard of the Grimm Fairytales? The original ones? they are nothing like the crap Disney pulls. Maybe you should read them sometime and then you will see that fairy tales aren't exactly full of sunshine and rainbows
Dumbledore did die in the 6th book...
Interesting question, how does one wander in here, read all this, and still not realise it's a comedy site? I think the little zealots google-search "Harry Potter-LOTR-Starwars sucks" and copy-paste these sad posts on every page they find. Ooooh how they ruin our fun... ^_^
Oh the controversy.
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Haha that last point is true, i did die a little inside when i didnt get a special letter on my twelfth birthday inviting me to leave my family for the wizarding world. That was around the time of the fifth book and i actually stopped reading them after that, until about a year or two ago when a friend of mine told me that the last two books were kickass and full of killing :)
I actually find it quite funny that i can now pinpoint the event that ended my childhood...