The 6 Most Absurd Moments from Superhero Movies
Superman: The Movie
After Lois Lane is killed during an earthquake, Superman throws a hissy fit and flies around the planet at such furious speeds that the Earth actually begins rotating in the opposite direction. The actual result of flying around the world really fast would be that you might see some satellites going about the same speed as you. However, the result in Superman is a special effects extravaganza in which falling boulders and collapsing bridges are shown (gasp) in reverse. As you watch this, your first thought will be to get pissed off at how ridiculous a concept this is, and your second thought will be to get even more pissed of at the fact that the Earth, in her infinite wisdom, had decided to swallow Margot Kidder whole, and Superman had to go and fuck everything up.
X2: X-Men United
Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) gets into a fight with some Asian chick who has claws just like him. It's supposed to be some big, exciting one-on-one battle, but it's basically just a girl and a slightly more manly girl (the Asian chick) trying to scratch each other's eyes out. It should be noted that Jackman was in a catfight with Rebecca Romijn in the first X-Men movie. Together with Russell Crowe in LA Confidential, it' starting to look like "Australian guy hits woman" might replace "black dude cracks wise" as Hollywood' new go-to ethnic stereotype.
Batman
The Joker is going to kill everyone in Gotham City by releasing some big sinister balloons, or something. Batman swoops in with his Bat-plane and uses a Bat-mechanical balloon-grabbing hand to snatch the deadly balloons and carry them away to where they'll harm people who deserve it more. A resentful Jack Nicholson then shoots Batman out of the sky with a handgun (yes he shoots a plane out of the sky with a handgun) that doubles as an enormous phallic symbol. A lot of stair climbing ensues, followed by audiences turning the DVD off feeling ashamed for having liked the movie.
Batman and Robin
Someone convinced Arnold Schwarzenegger to abandon his unintelligible "real" accent in favor of an unintelligible "fake" accent. Or maybe, since this was his first bad guy role where he didn't play himself, he wasn't even attempting an accent and was just trying to sound evil. We can't see how it matters either way, as this is quite possibly the worst movie that has ever been made. (On a side note, isn't it part of an actor' job to at least try to affect the same accent that their character might have? Is there any other actor who has gotten away with not even trying to hide his accent in roles in which the accent doesn't make any sense? For instance, why does the American spy have an Austrian accent in True Lies? Why does a robot from the future that is made by a company in California have an Austrian accent in Terminator? Is there any possible reason other than that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a terrible actor? Sure Jude Law' Southern accent is pretty painful, but at least he' trying.)
Hulk
Every time Bruce Banner gets angry he turns into a giant, dumb, stomping CGI cartoon version of Shrek that can jump for miles and toss around tanks, which also happen to be cartoons. Everyone in the audience knows the big green guy isn't really there, but they pretend to believe because they know how many thousands of man-hours it took for the CGI nerds to make all of this fake-looking crap.
Spider-Man 2
A spark (or maybe it's a bug) touches Spider-Man's mask, so like a complete idiot, he takes it off in front of a subway car full of extras. This is implausible enough, but soon after, all these people are promising to keep Spiderman's identity a secret instead of blackmailing him for all he's worth, which in New York City, is about as likely as a bus full of eyewitnesses agreeing not to tell Page Six that they just saw George Clooney fellate a homeless man, just out of sheer good will.
Also, we don't buy that a scientist named Dr. Otto Octavius just happens to grow eight mechanical arms so he can become known as "Dr. Octopus," thus retaining his pre-freakish-villain nickname: Doc Oc. A bit too convenient if you ask us. If Dr. Munroe Feldspar had turned into an evil octopus, we might have bought it.
The name Doctor Octopus came AFTER the arms, he didn't start calling himself Doc Ock BEFORE getting the arms. And there were only 4. The other 4 arms in the scenario are his natural human limbs.
ReplyDoctor Octopus created the arms when he was a normal scientist. But then he became evil.
ReplyI like to think Doc. Oc created the arms and just said: "what now? I know! I'll f**k s**t up! Ooh! Ooh! And kidnap that Parker kids girlfriend! I saw they way she was looking at me."
". . . CGI cartoon version of Shrek" Unlike the real life version of Shrek?
ReplyThe bit where the guy got super powers from a spider bite was believable but the rest was just ridiculous
ReplyAnd the point was, that only the Joker could have made such a crazy shot pay off.
ReplyAnd in Superman 3, Robert Vaughn's Evil Corporate Villain decides to make Richard Pryor's copmuter hacker prodigy take control of the US weather sattelite in order to control the weather on the Earth and extort protection money from the member nations. However, weather sattelites don't actually control the weather. They just predict it
Replyyou're mad at cgi? then it's a good thing that you missed Sky Captain and the World of Tommorrow. Or the last few Star Trek or Star Wars movies. Or Young Sherlock Holmes. Or the Lord of the Rings!
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesGranted those aren't superhero movies. But really? Hulk CGi is the best that you can rip on from the Hulk? What about Bruce's Dad being an all new villain on the scale of a cross between Onslaught and the Absorbing Man? Or the silly death of Cyclops in X3? Or the whole US military is behind everything and it has a "secret base" in a very visible dam in Canada? Or how Doom became an evil corporate head in the FF? Or those silly biological web shooters in Spidey? Or how the Sandman killed Uncle Ben?
I think that CGI is a gift that is abused too often. While it looks great in Star Wars: Episode III, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, every Disney Pixar movie, Captain America: The First Avenger, and Star Trek, just take one look at The Green Lantern or Clash of the Titans and you will see that with great power comes great responsibility. When a director chooses to abstain from using CGI it is usually for the better, as exemplified by the new Batman movies. I think the Hulk in general is just a bad character- he's just a dork who turns into a big green idiot.
Anyone who (incredibly ignorantly) tries to claim that the Lord of the Rings CG is bad is clearly dangerously unstable and retarded.
Hollywood has developed a *really* bad habit of CGI = magic wand; throw enough computer effects at the movie, and *somehow* audiences won't notice: bad plot, bad writing, bad acting, total change from source material, total ignorance of what the audience *wants*, etc.
CGI is like any other special effect: Used judiciously and with judgement, it can be used pull off some truly awesome scenes. But it's not a cure-all; it can increase a movie's effectiveness, but it can't be the movie.
No! Curse my thumb! I tried to upvote and missed, please ignore the down vote (unless I figure out how to remove it...)
Shouldn't you kind of have a basic understanding of comics before you make a list of superhero absurdities?
ReplyMOVIES. I love comics, and I'm an avid reader. But Jesus Christ, I'm tired of seeing that f*****g line used all over the internet. If you're making a list about movies, I don't give a goddamn about comic books, even if that's where the character originated.
You don't believe that Dr Octavius could become Doc Oc, but Dr Fries (pronouced Freeze...no seriously) becoming Mr Freeze, or E. Nigma becoming the Riddler makes sense?
ReplyAlso in reply to the not bothering to fake an accent thing, Kevin Costner in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. That one even warranted a joke in a Mel Brooks movie. lol.
Sean Connery playing a Russian sub commander who has a Scottish accent. Or the Highlander having a Belgian accent when he's supposed to be Scottish
"a giant, dumb, stomping CGI cartoon version of Shrek"
ReplySo, the original Shrek was real?
Less fake, anyway.
Doc Oc had eight arms? That's kind of fucked up.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWell, if one wanted to be an a*****e, and I do, they could point out that Doc Oc only had 6 arms and 2 legs. On another note, they actually comment on that in the movie. Also, the subway full of people agreeing not to reveal spidey's identity is feasible for two reasons 1) he just kinda saved all their asses, gratitude is in order. 2)Do any of them know who the f**k Peter Parker even is?
if i was on that subway i'd have pulled out my cameraphone and snapped a shot of him while he was still unconcious
@ScoundrelKurt - The second reason makes sense, but that first one means nothing. When has gratitude ever stopped everyone in a crowd of generalized beneficiaries from engaging in self-serving behavior?
Even with the picture people probably wouldn't believe you, What Peter Parker? That nerd? No way man, just some geek wanna be dressing up as him.
Or ever popular "FAKE/shopped"
Ugh. If you want absurdity from Spider-Man 2, you don't have to make it up. Just point out that Peter learns the location of Doc Ock's hideout from Harry Osborn...WHO HAS NO IDEA WHERE IT IS.
ReplyThis is the point in the discussion where Butthurt McFanbaby will shriek between sobs, "But but but! There's probably a deleted scene where..." NO. When you ambush somebody and threaten their life, you don't tell them where to send the cops, even if you're cutting a shady deal with them a few minutes later. Ock made a point of telling Osborn that OCK would be in touch with Osborn, not arranging to meet Doc at Ock's Docks. HERE's your deleted scene:
Peter: "Octavius has Mary Jane! Tell me where to find him!"
Harry: "I...I don't know! WHY would I know?"
Peter: "Oh, s***."
CUT TO: New York City being enveloped in CGI firestorm
THE END
Also, Peter loses his mask, what, three or four times in the movie? AND decides to test his on-again-off-again powers by pitching himself off of a building? Psh!
"why does the American spy have an Austrian accent in True Lies"
ReplyIndeed, and why does an American governor have an Austrian accent in...
haha
RE: Superman. I remember thinking that I would rather have seen Superman saving Lois from being tied to the railroad tracks. At least that would have made sense.
ReplyIn Spider-Man 2, an electrical panel explodes in Peter's face, setting his mask on fire and blinding him, which is why he takes it off. He doesn't do this in front of the passengers, and he's on an elevated train, not a subway.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesAs to why the passengers don't reveal his identity, as pointed out by others, first, none of them know him, and second, he just saved their lives by risking his own and being very nearly killed in the process.
still man it's new york
Several subway lines go elevated at some point. We still call them subways. Even if that weren't true, why include that in your analysis? I don't see how it's relevant at all.
In the age of the camera phone, no superhero should ever take off his mask where he might be seen. And if it is a 'on-fire' situation, he should at least turn his back as fast as he can. And carry a spare, even if it's a bandanna with holes for his eyes.
1) the train scene was filmed in Chicago (pretty irrelevant)
2) The same thing happened with Kick Ass, there were other people who dressed up like him so most cynical new yorkers would probably laugh it off as a joke
It's funny that they call the subway a subway even though it goes aboveground sometimes - in Vancouver we have a Skytrain that spends half its time belowground.
.....on the plus side, Cracked lists have grown exceptionally well in quality after 6 years.
Reply"Is there any other actor who has gotten away with not even trying to hide his accent in roles in which the accent doesn't make any sense?"
ReplyJean Claude Van Damme, obviously.
Ralph Gamelli, I now hate you for trash talking Hugh Jackman.
ReplySean Connery could accompany Schwarzenegger. Since when do Soviet sub captains have Scottish accents?
Replyworst cracked article i have ever read. short, boring and pointless.
Reply0/10
It's from 200-fucking-6.
for real dude, how did you not know that good articles hadn't been invented until 2007?